Central Snark

THERE’S nothing we hate more than being sick. Okay, that’s kind of a lie from the pits of hell, because we actually hate a few things more. For instance, we hate war. We also hate social injustice and racism. And we hate that crud that builds up around our bottle of taco sauce after a few uses. But aside from those things — and maybe a handful of others — we hate being sick.

SADLY, sick is exactly what we’ve been for the past few days, and sick is what we are of being sick. That’s right, we’re sick of being sick. Don’t ask us to elaborate, we’re sick — which means we can’t and/or don’t want to.

EVEN as we find ourselves mad as hell because we feel like shit, we’re laughing at the following bit o’ spam that almost found it’s way into our comment section, because it’s not so much “spam”, as it is a public service announcement disguised as spam. Clever.

Ben: Four out of five people wash their hands after using the rest room. Now - finally - we have a series of vignettes about the fifth guy. Really. You can watch it on YouTube. Anyone out there know this dude?:

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AFTER watching, two things race to our feverish frontal lobes for processing:

1. In Florida they’re so desperate to remind people how important it is to wash hands they have to resort to SPAM? Because that’s just lame.

2. Is Mr. Bungle the reason we’re sick? If so, where can we find him? That asshole cost us a perfectly good long weekend, and he owes us, big time.

~snuppy

LATER in the day it will come to our attention that we inadvertantly slipped in a silly “educational” video from the ’50’s instead of the PSA (Public Spam Announcement) offered by our so-called pal, Ben. And we’ll laugh and laugh and laugh, because that’s just funny. Then we’ll lay back down on the couch, because, dammit, we’ll still feel like shit, and, to make matters worse, we’ll begin to think we’re allergic to the antibiotic the doctor prescribed for us yesterday. Or we’ll realize that perhaps our face has always been this blotchy, red, and swollen, and we’ve simply been too preoccupied with other things — like social injustice, racism, and/or taco crud — to notice and/or care.

You’ll laugh ’til you’re blue in the face at Humor-blogs.com.

A long weekend for a Penguin usually means some warm socks to keep her flippers warm and off she flies to the countryside. I love that time away from the city. I don´t really need a watch to catch every minute and obsess about where to be on time. Nothing gets you back on the ground like a long day spent outside with some old-fashioned hard labor that makes you sleep like a baby afterwards. Minus the smells that can clog up your nose, or the indignant looks your horse gives you when the hey is a bit late.

Spring is the best time though. The countryside is filled with new arrivals every day now. Lambs, puppies and foals, even pigs run about the barn as if they´ve always been there. So this Wednesday I thought I give you a few photos of the life I am fortunate to get to live outside of Reykjavik.

There is a pig on our farm again. We had one two years ago. It didn´t know it was a pig back then either. It thought it was a dog and ran after the horses with the other dogs. This time around, our pig thinks it belongs to the species of sheep. Here you see it with its best friend taking a nap. And you always thought sheep were stupid, I am here to tell you that if you can have a psychotic illness such as delusion and identity crisis, few things distinguish you from the top of the food chain.

Here you see our very own Penguin, feeding the pig … probably salmon in a delicious lemon sauce topped with parsley to go with its sophistication.

There are always horses where I am. And those of you who have known me for a bit, know that the white horse is Pocahontas, aka Monika. Magnificient creatures. Careful though, beneath that graceful exterior is a mule waiting to get out and kick something, preferably human limbs.

I am sorry for the squeaky voice following this, but look how cute he is. Two weeks old, of a poodlish persuasion. Loves to crawl up to my neck area and sleep under my chin. Fits into the palm of my hands. Tried to wrap him around my little finger, didn´t work! It´s more like the other way around.

And just in case you have been wondering about our little lamb a few weeks back, which I aptly named “Against all Odds”. Allow me to introduce you to Ofeigur. He is alive, healthy and kicking, too. And although he drags his leg a bit, he is the toughest lamb I ever knew. And my affection belongs entirely to him, with a bit of a soft spot for this one:

which I aptly called Bambi. I am so good at naming things, don´t you think?

~Penguin out!

now: for different kinds of animal behavior go to Humorblogs and monkey around over there!

Lately I’ve been blogging a lot about blogging, which may be an indication that I’m spending too much time blogging. In fact, I used the word “blogging” three times in that first sentence, which until recent years was a sure sign of mental illness. I’ve been known to make fun of people who blog about their pets or what they had for lunch (Sadly, I have yet to read about somebody eating their pet for lunch), but here I am blogging about blogging. At least the pet-bloggers and lunch-bloggers get out of the house to go to Appleby’s or pick up dogshit once in a while.

It occurred to me that somebody should put together a list of warning signs that one is spending too much time blogging. And then it occurred to me that only somebody who is spending too much time blogging would think of something like that, so that pretty much makes me an expert in this area.

Signs You Are Spending Too Much Time Blogging

1. You think to yourself, “Am I spending too much time blogging?” And then you blog about it.

2. Your wife’s lawyer serves you with divorce papers by leaving a comment on your blog.

3. Your mom finds out about your son breaking his arm by reading your blog. (Sorry, mom).

4. You find yourself thinking, “I can’t wait to blog about this,” and you’re flossing.

5. You sometimes have nightmares about posting in front of a large group of people in a standard Blogger template.

6. You start a caption contest so you don’t have to spend as much time writing, and then you get mad when one of your 20 captions doesn’t win.

7. You’ve stopped using the terms “blogger friends” and “real-life friends” because you no longer have any of the latter.

8. While skimming a particularly long post you find yourself thinking, “Man, will this guy ever shut up about his family?” and then you remember you’re reading Deuteronomy.

9. You can only keep track of which day it is by which blog you’re guest-posting at.

10. You’re putting off going to bed with your pretty blond wife so that you can think of number ten on this list.

Fortunately, only nine of these have happened to me, although I’m getting dangerously close to ten. We’ll see how things go tonight. Ooh, that gives me a great idea for a post tomorrow!

~Diesel

10.5 ~ despite your desire to cut back on blogging, you still link every post to Humor-blogs.com, because, dammit, it would just be wrong not to.

*AS fans of long weekends and DJ Lampsha’s fabulous Saturday Spins, we’re of the mind to leave this particular fabulous spin up for the balance of this particular long weekend, in hopes one and all will A) have the time to take a listen to FEIST and B) get out and enjoy the last day of the, um, long weekend. With luck and/or possible prodding, we’ll be back with our regularly scheduled blogging tomorrow. Which means, of course, a post by DIESEL (oh please let it mean that) followed by a post by TEH PENGUIN (oh please oh please let it mean that). ~Snuppy

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The lazy hazy days of summer are upon us. The official kickoff - Memorial Day Weekend. A great weekend to head into the city (which for me is Manhattan) as everyone has left it for parts east and wherever - leaving it to the  remaining schlubs (like me) who love the city in the summer for its emptiness. The sailors are in town with their ahem tall ships this weekend, so it’s fun to just go look around. I mentioned to Tali that we might go in and look at the ships and stroll about and she said “that’s boring”. Just get dressed kid, we’ll go swimming somewhere tomorrow.

Okay, none of that has anything to do with today’s post, just warming up. Today’s artist is FEIST who was born Leslie Feist in Calgary, Canada, but simply goes by Feist. She’s a singer/guitarist/fronts her own band and she’s “big in Europe” (except maybe Spain, Theresa and of course, MIZ B, they seem to be late in the curve). I believe she’s on her way here in the US too. She presently hails from Toronto after spending some time in Paris (that’s the short version of the story). The following video just cracks me up in the choreographed non-choreographed style it depicts (a slight nod to her punk band beginnings I suspect). 

Check out her MySpace page here and the link above under FEIST, both have much more of her music, videos and fun facts.  And much of this  music can be found on her new album THE REMINDER, which is her 2nd or 3rd and is out in stores now. I think she’ll grow on you. Hey, I heard that Diesel, fungus isn’t as much fun to listen to, though.

But if you’d like to hear jokes about fungus and tall ships, head on over to HUMOR-BLOGS.COM where they’re sure to be yukking it up as we spin.

Have a great Memorial Day Weekend. Remember our soldiers, past and present. 

~ DJ LAMPSHA
  spinning out of control for a while

SOME of us may be older than some of you, but that doesn’t mean we don’t continue to enjoy the occasional romp in the hay. Wait, that’s a lie from the pits of hell. Or the haystack in the barn, because we don’t enjoy the occasional romp in the hay — mostly, we suppose, because we don’t have any in our house. Fortunately, feather beds are nice, too, and ours is as good as any we’ve romped upon throughout our sexually active lives. But that’s not what we’re here to discuss today. Or is it?

SEVERAL years ago, one of us worked as a television news producer. Because we’ve never been like all the other kids on the playground and/or in the news room, we often tried to do stuff that wouldn’t be found on anyone else’s stations. Or in their personal video library at home. The fact that we have a veryverysmart sister who is an Actual Doctor (or is that a phake doctor, we forget) and university professor who taught a number of courses the subject of *gasp* sex, we thought it might be fun to exploit her looks knowledge in order to garner a few extra viewers and/or *gasp* an emmy or two.

JUST SO we’re clear, Hot Sex has everything to do with Safe Sex, which became a very big concern in the 80’s, once AIDS poked its ugly nose into the sex lives of millions around the world. When this video was produced (in the early 90’s), folks were still operating under a number of misconceptions about the disease — which is why we felt the series was necessary, and more than a little timely. Dr. Terri had just wrapped up a comprehensive lecture series on the subject, and was pleased to note it was one of the most widely attended and successful the California university she worked for had ever sponsored. AIDS was — and is — scary. It changed the way many looked at sex. It changed the way many look at potential sex partners. It changed the way many talk to their kids about sex. On the other hand, maybe that’s a good thing, because it opened up a dialogue that needed to be opened. And needs to stay open. Of course, that’s easy for us to say, since some of us have been in a satisfying monogamous relationship for over 23 years.

WHATEVER. We just wanted to show this to you in hopes it might spark a debate about sex, safety, and/or acceptable television programming. The fact that we continue to be proud of our work, and think this is one kick-ass video is beside the point. The point, for we’ll be damned if you don’t make us come up with one every freaking time we open our mouths, is that, um, Sex can be hot — not to mention fun. Save it for someone you love and/or trust.

Do we need to point out the fact that this might not be suitable for everyone?

PS: is the woman in the picture at the top of the page dreaming of Hot Sex? Maybe. Or maybe she’s trying to remember one of the silly lines from that hilarious Spicy Pony Head sketch DIESEL shared yesterday. Or imagining that picture of TEH PENGUIN cuddling up with her adorable niece. Or fantasizing about a tasty short story by the LITTLE BLUE PILL. Or yearning to see more videos of CATTY YUMMY MUMMY’S funkified-yet-enchanting foray into all parts Spain. And maybe, just maybe, she’s thinking: “Golly… this is a long weekend. Mmmm. I’ve got 3 whole days to spend time with my family and/or myself. Oooh, and DJ LAMPSHA will be doing a Saturday Spin tomorrow, which means I’ll get to listen to some fabulous music by another artist I’ve probably never heard of! Life is good. Yes indeedy, Life is Good.” 

Or maybe she’s just savoring a piece of chocolate.

~snuppy

If sex with you is a big joke, chances are someone’s noticed and is mocking you rightthisminute on Humor-blogs.com.

I’m cheating today. I told our beloved Snuppy that I’d try really hard to come up with a post today, since I totally flaked on Tuesday, but I’ve basically got nothing. Nothing except THIS, that is. What is THIS? THIS is my secret weapon.

Yes, ordinarily I would present to you a stunningly brilliant original post wrapped up with a bow, and topped off with some sort of garnish. Why? Because that’s how I roll. Do kids still say “that’s how I roll”? Well, I do, because that’s how I roll.

Anyway, I’m a blogging snob. I don’t do YouTube posts and audio clips, because I think I’m too good for that. But you know what? I’m not. I’m almost too good, but I’m not quite. And I’m definitely not too good to post THIS. Certainly not when I’m completely out of material. I think, in fact, that I might be too dumb to post it using WordPress, but maybe not. Let’s find out.

This is something that I heard pretty much by accident on NPR a while back. It’s a sketch by a San Francisco-based comedy group called Kasper Hauser, and it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard. Hopefully it will play when you click this:

Spicy Pony Head

And then you’ll know the joy that is Spicy Pony Head. Enjoy it with someone you love.

~Diesel

Would you like humor-blogs.com with your spicy pony head?

On Monday at 11.29 my latest niece was born. Mother and child are doing fine and the dad (my brother) is beginning to calm down a bit. It is their first child and they really don´t know what they are about to embrace. I asked; the child did not come with an instruction manual and the first time I called my sister-in-law, the little baby girl started to cry so the mother had to put down the phone, stop talking to me and focus on the little attention stealer. Good luck, parents! I mean that.

This little baby girl, was ready to greet this world and give it the benefit of the doubt, way back in March. The doctor stopped it and sorta pushed her right back in. My sister-in-law was due over a week ago and I guess little baby girl simply felt rejected and started to wallpaper the inside of the womb, ready to ignore the birth canal and create her own religion, when the doctor decided to induce labor. Two hours later she was there, 53 cm and equipped with my brother´s ears and mouth…or so I am told. I really hope she got some of her mother´s features ,too… ‘cause that nose on a girl…

Now, I am the oldest of my siblings. We are seven. Five grandchildren have been awarded to my mother as of today. Neither one of them from me. I used to get all sorts of crab from my mother about the lack of reproduction at an age she deemed appropriate. Finally my younger sister started to multiply and I thought that would be the end of the pressure from aforementioned grandma. Little did I know. There are three sides attacking me now…and you used to wonder why I moved to Iceland of all places. It´s nothing to do with the rotten shark meat, it´s the frozen phone lines that make my life easier.

As an excited aunt, I of course, inquired about the name. Caroline. Ok…I can make my peace with that. Any middle name you care to announce, like anything in direction of Monika? Nope, no middle name. Let me get this straight: I have 4 nieces now…neither of which carries a reference to the great family patriarch that is me? Upon illuminating my brother on his oversight, he just laughed. Was it something I said?

I can´t wait to see her in the beginning of July, though. Hold her, smell her hair and discuss with her the levels of “googlegoo”, “yum yums” and “beddie byes” that we deem appropriate. Make thousands of pictures, trying to capture her first smile and gently, but convincingly, make her sign a contract to stay away from guys until the age of 19. When we get to the situation of an “oopsie-daisy!” , however, I´ll pass her on to the nearest-by standing parent and announce: “ I´m outta here!”

At the end of my conversation with my brother I left him with these little jokes, and assured him, it´ll get easier with the next one or the one after that…either one of which he should feel free to name Monika, if proper gender applies. Otherwise, I just call Godmother!

Parenting

“Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

—————

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

—————

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

—————

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

—————

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

—————

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

—————

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

—————

Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!! “

~ and on that happy note, Auntie Penguin… OUT!

Treat your own inner child to a few laughs at Humor-Blogs.com.

Dear Snuppy,

I couldn’t get a post done for you tonight. I ate dinner and then sat down to do it and then remembered I had a meeting at church. After that the lovely Mrs. Diesel and I had to pick the caption finalists.  And now it’s 10:37.

So…  I suck.

You can blame me and everybody can have a laugh at my expense.  How about I do a post for you on Thursday instead?  ~Diesel

*JUST so you kids know, not only did young Diesel NOT do a post for the Snark (waaaaah) he DID do a series of his own extremely funny captions for his own — extremely funny — contest (hahaha). Let’s take a look, so that we may all feel less clever and/or inclined to participate in his crummy contest the next time around:

“And if I press right here, POW! The arms fly out!”

Sadly, Diesel’s dream of a web development partnership ended with an unexpected crash on Wall Street.

“Let me tell you, Spidey sense is no substitute for fashion sense. These tights are so last year!”

“See, you pull back like this and candy comes out of the neck.”

“Goodness, you’re carrying a lot of tension in your upper back.”

“Dammit, no matter how I adjust your head I can’t get the lighting to match my face.”

“Hey Spidey, am I bugging you? Get it, ‘bug’? Hey Spidey, pull my finger.”

And just like that, he was no longer a Spider-Boy. He had become a Spider-Man.

It was only when Diesel looked down that he realized how badly his roleplaying with Mrs. Diesel had gotten out of hand.

“Hey Spidey, remember when you said that from way up here I looked like a tiny little bug and you just wanted to wrap me up in a web and suck my guts out? Where are we going, by the way?”

“Hey, is that hair gel? Oh, ewwwww.”

“Giddyup, Seabiscuit!”

“It gives us the ring, nasty hobbitssssss!”

“Diesel, is that a pumpkin bomb or are you just happy to see me?”

“Look at me, I’m the scary black costume trying to take your soul! Mwuhahahahahahaha!!!”

“Can you believe nobody noticed this is the same outfit Kevin Costner wore in Robin Hood? I’m also doing the accent.”

“This is the best Macy’s parade EVER!”

“Sorry, Spider-Man. I have to take you in. There are no tags on your mattresses.”

“Dude, I’m telling you, turn around. This plasma TV behind us is INCREDIBLE.”

Spider-man’s spider-sense tingled as he sensed the arrival of his most dangerous foe, the Digital Manipulator.

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FOR some strange reason, we’re bettin’ Diesel won’t forget to link his newest post to Humor-Blogs.com. That Diesel…

~Snuppy (who’s not bitter, but will pretend to be so for the rest of the day)

ONE of the best parts about weekends is that they give us a chance to kick back, relax, eat a lot of Mexican food, and, um, not blog. One of the worst parts about weekends is that they give YOU a chance to do the same. Sadly, when that happens, A) we don’t bother to write a post for Monday until the last possible minute (i.e., Monday morning), and find ourselves scrambling for something to write about, and B) you don’t bother visiting us until the last possible minute (i.e. Monday morning), and find yourselves scrambling to hear what Fabulous Saturday Spin you’ve missed out on. Damn us all anyway! What the hell were we thinking?

WAIT, we know what we were thinking. We were thinking we’d magically construct a post in our heads while we slept, as is so often the case. You, on the other hand, were thinking DJ LAMPSHA wouldn’t notice the fact that you didn’t come by, because she’d be too busy with her own version of weekend kicking back/relaxing/eating/not blogging. And you may be right, because we have no idea whether or not she didn’t notice the rather pathetic turnout over the past two days, but guess what? We did. And we have to say we’re disappointed in some of you. Not all, but some. That said, we’re grateful to you for giving us the opportunity to chide you for not showing your sorry faces (those of you who didn’t, and you know who you are). Especially since we couldn’t sleep a wink last night, which meant we didn’t get to wake up with our highly anticipated magical inspiration for blog writing this morning. Oy.

STILL, we realize we’d be remiss if we failed to provide you with our usual “musical opposites for those coveted cheap laughs” to Lampsha’s Saturday Spinning fabulousness on this fine Monday morning, and so we humbly offer up something that will appeal to the, um, animal lover in you all. Or the Nordic lover. Or the Led Zeplin lover. Whatever. We have places to go, therapists to see, and naps to take.

YES, we promise DIESEL will be here tomorrow to help you forget you ever saw that. And TEH PENGUIN will be here on Wednesday, to remind you why you kind of liked it in the first place.

~snuppy

Viking kittens run amuck on Humor-Blogs.com.

Are you ready for a little riddim? 

Well then let’s check out Balkan Beat Box. I have heard about this band for some time, but have not had the opportunity to listen to their music . Then I see they have a new album, Nu Med out now, so I think it’s time to get a taste. 

The band was founded by Israelis, Tamir Uskat and Ori Kaplan, who left Israel, toured around and settled in New York City (Brooklyn to be exact) for the past 10 years or so.  They wanted to try to erase political borders with their music which judging by that alone, would appear  successful as they have a mix of Spanish, Moroccan, Palestinian and Bulgarian musicians playing with them. Their vibe is Mediterranean with a Klezmer beat and described as techno fusion and their live shows as circus-like.  So get ready for a mix of belly dancing and the hora.  Check out their MySpace page to warm up and if you’re interested in a little interview, listen here to their NPR spot.

And here’s a little view of Balkan Beat Box live: 

Now I’m going to check out the links as well.  Actually first I’m going to go to bed and then tomorrow I’m going to take Tali (which is an Israeli name) to violin and then we’re going to come back and give a serious listen.  As it is, I have their song Hermetico in my head now -

“here we go go, you better listen…”

~ DJ LAMPSHA
  spinning out of control since 2006