Central Snark


Big Guy by Snuppy
Friday, 15 June 2007, 10:26am
Filed under: Sex, Ed?

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. ~Red Buttons

happy guyIN light of the fact that this Sunday is Father’s Day, we thought we might chat about barbecue and/or golf today. But then we realized those things are boring. At least in our minds they are. Besides, neither of those things scream “sexy” to us — unless, of course, our husband happens to be wearing nothing but a “kiss the chef” apron, while whacking the ball with his wood somewhere out on the back 9. Sadly, he’s not doing that right now, so we’ve got to get our “sexy” kicks some other way. Remember, we’re all about the “sexy” on Fridays. Or we will be until we can come up with something better to feature at the end of the week. But that’s beside the point. The point, which was hiding under our husband’s apron only moments ago, is that we could think of no more apropos subject for this week’s sex-related post than… penises.

NOT just penises, mind you, but big penises. Why? Because, size matters. Hahaha. We’re guessing more than a couple of guys just passed out, for surely that’s not what you’ve been told over the years, Shirley. Oh come on, get over yourselves, we’re kidding. We kid. Size doesn’t matter… unless, of course, you think it does.

THOSE of you who’ve been around for more than a minute, know we have a veryverysmart sister, Dr. Terri, who wrote a veryveryfunny-yet-informative book a few years ago, about private parts. As you might imagine, one of the largest (heh) and/or most popular chapters involves the subject of “size”. Those of you who’ve been around for more than a day know we’re nothing, if not lazy, which is why we planned to take a few excerpts straight out of this book, in order to avoiding writing more sentences of our own. But then we realized it would take us a long time to copy all that information, and did we mention we’re lazy? Well, we are, more than any of you can possibly imagine. Besides, we have places to go, manicurists to see, and a Starbucks run to make. So, despite the “theme” of today’s post, we’ve decided to skip the dull “how big is big” stuff and head (heh) straight for the juicy “dear and/or departed” celebrity-related anecdotal stuff (may all these men rest with their respective pieces). Then, just for fun, we figure we’ll let you watch a particularly hilarious clip from a 1957 Sex Ed. film entitiled: As Boys Grow (heh) in order to keep this post… short.

FUN FACTS ABOUT BIG DICKS:

    1. Richard Nixon didn’t have one. Not that we know of, anyway. Hahaha. Again with the kidding. In our heads, leading off with a big dick named “Dick” seemed funny. On the other hand, and speaking of dead dicks and/or presidents…
    2. Lyndon Baines Johnson did have a big dick. One he used to flaunt, for intimidation purposes, during informal cabinet meetings. LBJ named his not-so-little friend Jumbo. That’s right, Jumbo. Speaking of “jumbos”…
    3. Charlie Chaplain used to swing more than that jumbo-sized cane he was so famous for using in his film “The Little Tramp”. The highly prolific lover used to refer to his own 12 inch member as “the 8th Wonder of the World”. Imagine that. Speaking of well-hung funny men…
    4. Groucho Marx, a man known for smoking really big cigars, apparently had something even bigger stored in his pants. Marx was certainly known as the master of sexual innuendo, and references throughout his films to his own sizable “cigar” popped up (heh) often. The “elephant in my pajamas” line, was one meant to allude to his own big trunk, we suspect. More obvious, perhaps, was something Groucho quipped in a scene of “A Night at the Opera” — when, while shredding paper to a certain size, he says “Mine’s a 12 1/2″. ba-dump-bump. Speaking of big bumps…
    5. A number of famous leading ladies reported Gary Cooper was so well endowed, they could feel him swell up with, um, pride during love scenes, even through heavy skirts. Actress Clara Bow (his first lover of note) once of Coop, and we quote, “He was hung like a horse and could go all night“. Yowie. Speaking of horses
    6. Milton Berle, aka “Mr. Television”, may not have been the most attractive celebrity, but as the man dubbed “King Cock of Hollywood”, it didn’t matter. Rumor has it Berle — who was certainly not shy about his “gift” — once offered it up as a “stand in” when the lead actor in a porn flick had a “performance issue”. Berle used to gleefully tell the story of how he was once confronted by a guy in a steam bath locker room who believed his own penis was bigger, and tried to goad Uncle Miltie into a bet. After a few minutes of pestering, Berle’s friend, who was in the room, too, said “Go ahead, Milton, just take out enough to win.” Whoa.

Speaking of hilarious locker room discussions and/or info about who’s big and who’s not

SO much to be said about that clip… so little time. Oh, and speaking of “so little time”, be sure you find enough to A) come back here tomorrow, in order to enjoy the latest and greatest musical “find” by our greatest and always timely DJ LAMPSHA, a man in his apron. life is good.and B) remember to call your Dad on Sunday (assuming you can and/or want to) and wish him a happy happy day. That said, resist the urge to buy him a “Kiss the Chef” apron. Your mom called, and she says his other one will be good as new, as soon as she gets out a few more of those grass stains.

~snuppy

It’s a good bet you’ll laugh long and hard at Humor-blogs.com.

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24 Comments so far
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pretty sure this needs proof-reading, extra links, and, more pictures — but i am SO out of time. having problems with my computer connection did not help my ability to post this morning.

so apologies for this incomplete look at all things “big” (all things “penis”, that is)… i’ll fix all the stuff that needs fixin’ when i get back from taking my son to the doctor!
:smile: xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Are you sure the video wasn’t a handout from NAMBLA? Creepy coach who had those drawings at the ready just a bit too quickly don’t ya think? Yikes!

Comment by BoBo

By the way…where did you dig up that old picture of me?

Comment by BoBo

Does this mean I have a career in LaLa Land? I must be in the wrong line of work.

I must have missed the memo, but when did the Snark Park become all sex, all the time?

Hope you have a great weekend swinging, err… chopping the wood, maybe hide the banana? Have fun. :P

Comment by Brian

Yet nobody wants to be called a big dick – one of those things to ponder.

Another infomative film – with the inevitable err shortcomings exposed in the locker room. Yet hilarious as always.

Now will those new photos you post later include Bobo in an apron?

Comment by LAMPSHA

“whacking the ball with his wood somewhere” Somehow this sounds vaguely obscene. Is it just me, or does everyone have sex on the brain on Fridays? I typed “biggest penis in hollywood” into Google and this is what came up:

After the eventual passing of comedian Milton Berle — long rumored to have the largest penis in Hollywood — several celebrities are said to be lobbying for the much-heralded title of “Entertainment’s Biggest Member,” including actor James Woods, comic Bob Newhart and singer Wayne Newton.

Berle died at the age of 93, but his age never appeared to be a factor in the long-running rumors that he possessed the largest penis in the entertainment industry. Now that he has passed away, many celebs are positioning themselves to overtake Berle’s title.

“I have great respect for Mr. Berle, but now that he is no longer living, I am not ashamed to tell the world that I have an enormous tallywacker,” said Woods, best known for his role in “Against All Odds.” “I think it’s important for the world to know that I am gifted and proud of it.”

Newhart begs to differ with Woods’ assessment of himself. “I have lived in Milton Berle’s shadow for far too long,” he said. “You ask any woman — including my wife and Susanne Plushette — and they will tell you that I am hung like a horse. I might look unassuming on the surface, but my 10-inch piece of meat takes a backseat to nobody, especially James Woods.”

Newton, meanwhile, said he is prepared to put his package head-to-head with anybody. “Milton stayed at the top because he had both length and girth,” the famous Las Vegas performer said. “That’s what I bring to the table as well. Most guys here in Sin City are just banging showgirls, but I feel like my Johnson is too good for them. I am very selective with whom I share The Big Harley.”

So who gets to decide? That distinct honor goes to a small non-profit group in Beverly Hills called Personalities Receiving Infinite Cock Kudos (PRICK). “Anybody wanting to lay claim to this prestigious title must come to our office in person and have themselves measured by our staff,” said Dick Judge, president of PRICK. “To be honest, we’ve never had to do this before, because nobody came close to beating Mr. Berle. If you’ll pardon the pun, we are excited over the prospect of having a new pole bearer.

Now, it may be just a cock…oops, I meant crock, but it sure is funny.

So, that’s the video they showed the boys in school, while we girls were watching one about periods, I always wondered…”nocturnal emissions”, good grief, what a term -sounds almost toxic. “Gee, I gotta go have a tune up, been havin’ those nocturnal emissions again”

Thanks for yet another hilarious post, I’ll be laughing all weekend.

Comment by Theresa

Wow, yesterday and today, the Snark’s been all about “measuring up,” hasn’t it?

Good one today, Snuppy! Although, on Father’s Day, it’s worth noting that becoming one has less to do with length and girth than with charm and persistence — and, now and then, a little booze.

____________________________

You’ll laugh yourself silly at the boners on humor-blogs.

Comment by al

Nowadays, no coach in his right mind would have an informal discussion about puberty with boys in the locker room! Times have sure changed…

Comment by claire

Bobo: i know — creepy, huh? somethin’ about that coach just ain’t right. *shudders* as for the picture? heh… i thought you might like that! :smile: xox

Brian: “all sex/all the time”? nooooo… we just thought it might be fun to create a forum in which to discuss things of a “sexual” nature. nothing smarmy and/or too explicit, mind you — we’re shootin’ (heh) for good clean fun! (in truth, i just wanted an excuse to show a couple of news reports i produced a few years ago…) :wink:

Lampsha: i know! go figure. i think the thing i lovelovelove the most about those old “educational videos” is the fact that they’re hilarious in and of themselves. this may come as a surprise, but i can’t seem to find even one picture of my beloved Bobo in his apron! i’ll keep looking, tho’, i’m sure i have one somewhere:roll: xox

Theresa: that was FANTASTIC! believe it or not, i knew about James Woods — Dr. Terri’s book contained a section on a few “big talents” that are alive and well and living it, um, up in Hollywood, but she decided to take it out because it seemed too… gratuitous. i don’t recall reading about Newhart and/or Newton, but Dennis Quaid is on that list, along with Steve Martin and Eddie Murphy. oh, and speaking of Milton Berle, along with Forrest Tucker, he established the “Long Schlong Club of Bel Air”, which had a “standing” rule that members be at least 10 inches, or more, in order to join. yikes! :smile:

Al: believe me when i say i didn’t set out with that particular “size/measuring up” theme in mind! d’oh! and now i’m laughing at your contention re: Father’s Day — guessing you may be right, on ALL counts! ALSO laughing at your continued hilarious one-liners regarding Humor-blogs.com. thinking one of these days i may have to do a post featuring those and a few others i’ve seen that are funny, too! (you know me, always looking for fodder) :wink:

Comment by snuppy

Claire: i’m guessing a few have tried — and are now unemployed and/or sitting in jail. yoiks. :wink:

Comment by snuppy

Well, I go into this weekend much wiser. That movie was a creepfest, though. I knew when I saw the cast as a coach and boys from the Boys Clubs of San Francisco that sinister things would come to mind.

Theresa, that was a funny addition.

Comment by Doug

Great video – I didn’t know ANY of those things! But I didn’t like the ending. I hate cliff hangers!

Comment by Jeff

Doug: San Francisco was a dead give-away, wasn’t it? :wink: xox

Jeff: sorry, heh heh… didn’t mean to leave you guys hanging. guess i’ll have to post part 2 next week. :roll: xox

Comment by snuppy

Well, Frisco suggested it would be gay, “Coach” meant “creepy”

Comment by Doug

Doug: not that there’s anything wrong with that. the “gay” part, i mean…not the “creepy coach” part. :wink: xox

Comment by snuppy

AIEEEEEE! i had no idea i made so many stinkin’ mistakes on this stupid post this morning. i mean, half of it doesn’t even make SENSE! oy… that’s what i get for trying to whip (heh) out something fast, in order to go do something else.

sorry about that. :oops:

Comment by snuppy

Well, that was hard to sit through without squirming… yousa ouch! Why did all the little guys around that age talk like the Beaver? I was looking for Wally.

Comment by Terry

Terry: hahahaha. yeah, me too! still, if memory serves (and who says it does?) Wally was almost as lame as the rest of his pals. just a lot cuter. :wink: xox

Comment by snuppy

I just learned that Mars has a Tharsis Bulge which is the size of the North America. Now that’s a bulge.

Comment by nessa

Nessa: that’s hysterical! talk about “ba-dump-bump“… HAHAHA. :wink: xox

Comment by snuppy

I knew it!

i have always wondered if guys get taken aside in school and introduced to the world of appropriate and non-appropriate noctural emissions.

the locker room, of course!

Milton Berle was mentioned in “Friends” and I always used to wonder…

size matters if you think it does…is a very wise sentence that should be put in bold!

nice post, snuppy…I have to say it surprises me that such a discussion and competition has not occured in Iceland yet!

Comment by Penguin

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