Central Snark

No.

No, I do not want to “3nlaarge my Peni5″. Thank you for caring enough to email me about it no less than three hundred and fifty-six thousand four hundred and twenty-one times, but I’ve had quite a number of opportunities to mull it over and I think that I’m going to stay with the current downstairs configuration. Thanks, though. And by all means, you can stop sending the offer to my wife. She’s not interested at all.

I’m gonna have to go with the same response when it comes to the discount software, too. I know the brand new “Windows V1sta” for $1.99 (plus shipping) seems too good a deal to pass up, but I gotta tell you that I’m a little worried that the “plus shipping” is going to add up to oh, I dunno, $461.83, or possibly my firstborn child’s kidney or something. Perhaps if you actually knew how to spell the product that you were trying to sell me I might be instilled with a little more confidence, but as it stands now I am going to have to stick with my tried-and-true XP. And, were I still using Windows 3.1, I would have to stick with that as well.

You also seem to be mistakenly under the impression that I might begin pursuing a Master’s degree soon. Not to mention the mistaken impression that were I to pursue a Master’s degree that I would want to pursue it from a University I have never heard of located in some foreign country I have never been to. Along this same thread of mistaken impressions about a Master’s degree lies your mistaken impression that your own personal testimony of the Master’s degree you received from said University in said unvisited foreign country will positively persuade me. If the Master’s degree worked out as well for you as you claim it did, perhaps you wouldn’t have to spend twenty-two and a half hours per day emailing me about this Master’s degree that you claim you have and mistakenly believe that I am in the market for. If you get the impression from this paragraph that you are mistaken about a lot of things regarding my desire for a Master’s degree, then you are not at all mistaken.

Finally, I would just love to help you out with that wire transfer. Really, I would. I have this personal policy, though, about paying out ridiculous sums of money to receive an even more ridiculous sum of money. I don’t play the lottery, I don’t gamble on the NBA, and I don’t send money to complete strangers in Nigeria. Call me crazy, and perhaps I am missing my gravy train, but that’s my strictest of policies. Not to say that I don’t trust you, but my guess is that if someone were actually a member of a royal African family, they could probably land an email account from some place other than “Yahoo!”. Oh, and they would probably learn how to spell, too.

Sorry to disappoint you! It looks like all the time spent emailing me today will prove fruitless. What a shame that truly is. Now I will say this…if someone could land me a large wire transfer AND a Master’s degree, all as a plug in to Windows Vista that at the same time enlarges my…..well, you get the idea. I might be interested then.

CrummyJoel

PS: Humor-blogs.com just asked about the enlargement process…I’ll forward them your email.