Central Snark

Let’s fasten our sheet belt, ‘cause it will be a dark and stormy night. Halloween is here.
Well … more there than here, we don’t have pumpkins you know!
And I can’t help being worried for you. All the young children actively engage in dayscare and your teenage daughter turns into a witch and all of a sudden takes spelling very serious.

I feel it is my duty to warn you and give you some survival tips:

1. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out. This tip is also useful to all secondary characters in any horror movie.

2. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here:

Amityville
Elm Street
Transylvania
Nilbog (you’re in trouble if you recognize this one),
the Bermuda Triangle
Any small town in Maine.

3.Extending a friendly hand to something suspiciously smelling of recombinant DNA technology, is never wise.

4. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Ask Faust! Oh you can’t, he’s dead!

Just remember, you have taken Halloween too far when all the skeletons in your closet have names.

There is a flicker of light in all of this though:
If a skeleton chases you down the road, just cross it. It can’t follow you…it doesn’t have the guts, you know!

Happy Halloween, everybody!

~ Penguin out!

Hi, neighbor.  You may recall that the last time I ranted in your direction, it was about the number, frequency, timing, and volume of the fireworks you were shooting off. I now come on bended knee, begging you to bring the fireworks back out of retirement.

But only, of course, if you point them directly at the enormous holiday-themed inflatable thingies that you insist on sticking in your front lawn. Please. Let’s light off a whole ream of bottle rockets right into the center of each and every one of them.

Don’t get me wrong: I love a good holiday. I’ve got a great costume planned for Halloween. I do not, however, feel the need to stick a 25-foot tall inflatable Frankenstein in my front lawn to celebrate the occasion. Have you ever tried to sleep in the shadow of a 25-foot Frankenstein? What am I saying: Of course you have, he’s in your yard. Here’s a better question: HOW THE HELL CAN YOU POSSIBLY GET ANY SLEEP IN THE SHADOW OF A 25-FOOT FRANKENSTEIN?!?

I’m sitting here leafing through my neighborhood by-laws. You realize that I can’t have a permanent basketball hoop attached to my garage because of “aesthetic reasons”? Yet these same bylaws allow you to employ a constant rotation of monstrous vinyl creations filled with more hot air than Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter combined?!? I might not feel the need for this letter if the madness were to end at Frankenstein. But no: he’ll quickly be followed up by a huge inflatable Turkey (or Pilgrim), then a gigantic Santa Claus (or Frosty the Snowman), then Cupid, then an Easter Bunny, then….heck, I don’t know…Queen Victoria or some such insanity. Somehow all that’s OK, but if I wanted to play one-on-one in my driveway I’m committing a violation?!?!

You might have noticed that my other neighbor’s house is up for sale. I saw a car full of real estate agents drive past yesterday pointing and laughing at the poor guy’s place while snapping pictures of Frankenstein. The driver nearly veered off the road, and I’m pretty sure the woman who was riding shotgun wet herself from laughing so hard. Your vinyl fetish has single-handedly demolished the entire real estate market in a 5-block radius. Somehow fresh coats of paint, new laminate hardwood flooring and stainless steel appliances are no matches for a glowing, undead zombie hovering menacingly above the neighborhood. Go figure.

Look, celebrate whatever holidays you want as enthusiastically as you want. Put up lights and banners and flags and streamers and give out candy and put out a landing strip for Santa and host an Easter Egg hunt and plant a tree on Arbor Day…whatever, that’s fine!! But certainly even you can see that something the size of the Goodyear Blimp just might encroach on the goodwill of the neighborhood (not to mention common sense) (and good taste).

If you don’t agree with me, might I suggest something? Perhaps you can put ALL of your hot air inflatables out at the same time, just to really tick me off. Make sure you tie one to each corner. Then tie a couple to your roof, just for good measure. That’ll show me.

Meanwhile I’ll be over here, praying for a stiff wind and some good luck.

CrummyJoel

PS: Humor-blogs.com wanted to point out that the inflatable you have to celebrate Labor Day is very inappropriate. It’s about workforce labor, not child birth.

from my friends. 

Well, it’s lonely here without Snuppy.  Can’t deny it.  Can’t say that I’m having these posts rolling out like an assembly line.  Can’t say that I wasn’t up until about 1:00 am putting the finishing touches on an Africa project  for my daughter.  Oh, go ahead - judge me.  How will the child learn anything?  How will she be accountable?  What will she learn from that?  She’ll learn that she would have gotten a better grade on her own and maybe she’ll learn to pace herself and plan out her project a little better timewise.  That’s what she’ll learn.   Screw that.  She’s my daughter.  It’s genetic and hopefully we can help her avoid the ways of the procrastinator.  

So, I’m a bit cranky.  There’s no post.  And, and the video that I saved in here disappeared and my office has done something with our mail systems over the weekend so that I can’t seem to open two windows at once and can’t save the video in here.   Okay, never mind that last part, but I left it in for the purpose of sharing my anxiety.  A little free floating anxiety for a Monday never hurt anybody.

On to the video.  I’ll work in a musical opposites/cheap laugh (MOCL) if it’s the last thing I do today (and judging by my mood, it just may be).  Our wonderfully talented and charming DJ LAMPSHA - oh, heh heh, that’s me (deep blush), I was just following Snuppy’s MOCL post template.  Well I featured The Hold Steady in this weekend’s Spin.  I really like them.  But I would be politically correct and that would just be bad, if I didn’t point out the lead singer, Craig Finn’s, how shall I say?  Exuberance! Yes, exuberance behind the mike.  His twisting and straining reminded me of a certain singer who on his own (and I do love him) is almost a parody, but then add John Belushi in…well, take a look.

Some of you may be too young to remember this airing originally - screw you too on a Monday.  Some of you, may be in league with me - put on your reading glasses and turn up the tunes: 

Head on over to Humor-blogs.com, where Parody means never having to say I’m sorry.  Or something. 

I don’t know why I haven’t featured The Hold Steady before.  Really, it’s one of those unexplained things of the Universe.  It’s not like I haven’t been enjoying their music over this past year.  Their debut album, Boys and Girls in America was released in October 2006 and you may well have heard their music on your radios.  NPR has described them as “America’s Bar Band” - sounds good to me.  So grab a beer and pack yourself into a crowded space and check em out:

Here’s a link to their MySpace and I’m eyeing their tour dates because I wouldn’t mind checking them out when they come to NYC in November.  I think I can even get Scissors to go.  Our musical tastes don’t always mesh but he’s a sucker for live music and I’m betting they’ll deliver.  Oh and I imagine, everything you ever wanted to know about them can be found HERE.

Now I’m off to hold steady and get my kids to music school. 

Have a great weekend!

~ DJ LAMPSHA

PSST:  They’re holding steady and rolling in the aisles at Humor-blogs.com! 

We are all products of how we were raised and well how we were informed about life and how life comes to be formed.  Last week as my daughter was getting ready for school some “facts-of-lifey” type of statement was raised.  My husband answered, “You’ll learn that in Biology in 7th Grade.”  I scowled at him and said to Tali, “You know Daddy’s a bit old school.  He learned about the facts of life in the stone ages when it was taught like this:

CaveMan:  Ummmm pretty cave woman.  Me like.

Drag by hair.  Boom Boom.  We make baby.  Me hunt.”

The facts of life.  The End.  

I assured her that I would do my best to give her a better talk than that when she wasn’t ready to hop on the school bus.  Time passes.  Fast forward to a day later as Tali sat doing her homework.

Tali:  “What’s an X rated movie?”

Me:   “Where did you hear about an x rated movie?”

After a small amount of prodding (that included nothing sharp):  “Well, on the bus, Daniella said that when she walked in the hallway past her mother’s bedroom she was watching an x rated movie.”

Me:  “Tali, maybe it wasn’t x-rated, maybe people were kissing, blah, blah, blah…”

 So I start to explain the facts in a slightly more evolved manner than the caveman example.  “When two people love….” Tali’s eyes are bursting over trying not to laugh.  So I do the mature thing any mother would do trying to make her daughter feel comfortable about her body and sexuality and setting the tone for comfort with herself for years to come - I burst out laughing.  Then she did too. 

I asked her when she was discussing this moment with someone, say someone taking notes, in the years to come to please let her memory be kind.  Of course Mommy wasn’t laughing at her, just well maybe a little at her -  but mostly with her as she laughed at Mommy. 

I wish I had had the benefit of this film to review prior to our talk.  It certainly makes it all so understandable:

So see, my kids could certainly have done a lot worse when it comes to straightforward talk about the facts of life. 

That’s it,  short and sweet.  The truth is I send my kids over to Humor-blogs.com for the facts of life. 

Posted by:  Lampsha (a/k/a G of Simply Said)

What the hell did you do to our template? I know you never really liked the creepy chick pictures, but you can’t just go changing the template whenever you want. Why oh why did we ever set you up as an admin?

What is that supposed to be anyway? Oh, I get it. It’s a parody of that 1942 painting by Edward Hopper, “Nighthawks.”

Yeah, because that’s never been done before. Perhaps you’re not familiar with Gottfried Helnwein’s takeoff, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams.” Were you even aware that the version with James Dean, Marylin Monroe, Humphrey Bogart and Elvis wasn’t the original? Uh huh. Sure you were.

So not exactly an original idea, except that you’ve replaced the characters with famous comedians. Looks like Groucho Marx, Lucille Ball, Steve Martin… and is that Jon Stewart behind the counter? Kind of an odd group, isn’t it? I guess you were going for sort of a “wisecrackers through the decades” theme. You’ve got Groucho for the 30s and 40s, Lucille Ball for the 50s and 60s, Steve Martin for the 70s and 80s, and Jon Stewart for the 90s and the naughties.* Interesting. Steve Martin doesn’t really fit, though, does he? Chevy Chase would make more sense. Yeah, I guess his career kind of peaked with Fletch, didn’t it? Hmmm. Letterman? But then you’d have two talk show hosts. Woody Allen? Clearly a genius, but a little too creepy. And his career peaked about the same time as Chevy’s. I guess Steve Martin is a pretty solid choice, Cheaper By the Dozen notwithstanding.

Still, you can’t just change the template like that, without even telling anybody. Oh, you thought it would be a nice surprise for Snuppy? Yeah, good thinking. How would you like me to redecorate your house with a Holly Hobby theme the next time you leave town? You’d better hope that she likes it, pal, because you’re on your own with this one.

And that tagline, “Where everybody knows you’re lame”? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Huh? No, that’s completely different. Everybody knew that was a joke. Besides, you can’t bite someone over the internet. Yours is just mean. It alienates people right off the bat. Maybe that kind of gratuitous cruelty flies over at the Mattress Police, but we try to be a little nicer over here.

What do you mean, you think you can put the old template back? Don’t you have a backup somewhere? Good lord, man, this is the Snark you’re messing with. You’ve got some cajones, I’ll give you that much.

Well, I guess we’ll see what the commenters think. You’d better hope they like it.

*This still might catch on.

Psst:  You wanna talk about cajones?!  Head on over to Humor-blogs.com. ~ Lampsha

and apparently easy to cross. So what do you think, is it easy to tell the sane from the fruitcakes, the mentally stable from the gaga?

I used to think you could spot them from a mile away. Over the last week I have been visiting a “looney bin” in relations to my studies and talked to a few of the people in there. One guy was particularly interesting and he gave me this research I am reading right now and have to share with you:

In 1973 a psychology graduate student and 7 others, presented themselves at 12 different hospitals and complained about hearing voices. When prompted upon those voices they said that they were unfamiliar, of the same gender as the speaker and they used words like “empty”, “hollow” and “thud” in their descriptions.

What a high percentage of those 8 do you think got diagnosed as bonkers and offered a bed next to another cuckoo?

All 8 of them got admitted straight away. Seven of them with the diagnosis of acute scizophrenia. Who would have thought it? Now, the rules where that they had to get themselves into the ward and get themselves out of there. They had to present their true history, family trees and everything. The only things they were allowed to change was their names, their employment and vocation. All these showed that there was no history of mental illness in the family for generations, that the person had never suffered from any oddities before and so on.

How long do you think it took the staff to finally realize they made a diagnostic mistake?

They never did. Upon arrival, our pseudopatients acted totally normal, mentioned that all unusual auditory sensations had stopped and they felt just fine. During their stay they took notes obsessively for the research, none of the staff bothered checking what in the name of wacky were they doing. Hospitalization lasted from 7-52 days and they were discharged with a diagnosis of scizophrenia “in remission”.

Who do you think noticed their fakeness?

Yep, the real patients. Almost upon arrival, patients were saying things like:”You’re not crazy. You are a journalist, or a professor[referring to the continual note-taking]. You’re checking up on the hospital.” Conversations overheard by the nursing staff and smiled at.
The report of the nurses showed that the behaviour of our pseudopatients was co-operational, calm and clear from the get go. But, once a person is labeled as abnormal, all of his other behaviors and characteristics are colored by that label.

What are you to take from this?

Nothing or something. Whatever you choose. I for one, went home thinking that the sane are not “sane” all the time. We lose our tempers, we get depressed and anxious and on occasion find it difficult to get along with this or that person. All for no good reason. Likewise, the “insane” are not always insane. Research clearly shows that their insanity occupies a minimal portion of the day.

I stopped and smiled this morning as I went upstairs into the kitchen for the 5th time to check if I had not absolutely switched off the coffee machine.

~Penguin out!

Head over to humor-blogs, where the line is no longer visible.

“So, CrummyJoel, let me get this straight…you started guest blogging over here (just like Diesel did), you created an alternate internet persona (just like Diesel did), and now….you wrote a book (just like Diesel did) too?!?!“

Well, in short… yes. What can I say? He’s a heck of a guy to emulate.

Anyhow, today all over the World Wide Web, we are celebrating the release of the second book from Humor-Blogs.com, my very own Crummy Church Signs Volume 1 (2004-2007).

<– Click picture to purchase a copy 

Those of you who frequent my blog might remember that I recently celebrated my third bloggoversary. Over that time I have collected some 700+ rotten church signs and reviewed them with snark and snarl. Often the contributors provide the snark, but the blog always has the best (worst?) that crummy church signs around the globe have to offer.

Well, I decided that after 3 years it was time to collect my blog into a “Best Of..” (or “Worst Of…”) collection. And that collection gets unleashed upon the unsuspecting public today.

What do you get? 178 pages of unmitigated church sign tripe, complete with snarky commentary. The absolute worst offenders, the absolute funniest reviews, all categorized for your convenience. This coffee-table sized book (no, smartass, the book isn’t the size of a coffee table…it’s the size of a coffee-table book) is sure to crack up Christians and non-Christians alike with its scathing attacks on lame puns, poor theology, outdated pop culture references, and general stupidity.

Starting today, the book is only $10.99 when ordered through the humor-blogs.com store! That includes FREE SHIPPING, and I will sign your copy of the book as well! Order soon, because on November 6 (2 weeks), the price goes up to $12.99 PLUS shipping (and no signature…. ).

The best part: Since church signs have inflicted such evil on the world recently, it’s time for them to do some good. I am donating 100% of my proceeds for this book to Compassion, a charitable organization that pairs up underprivileged kids from around the world with sponsors who help pay for food, shelter, and education. That’s right, I’m not making a dime off of this. Humor-blogs.com has graciously decided to donate it’s share of the sales as well. The only entity taking a “cut” off of the sales is the printer. So not only can you laugh at the hilarity in the book, you can feel swell knowing that a large percentage of your money went to a great cause!

What are you waiting for?!? Go buy a copy today! Heck, get your Christmas shopping done early and buy one for your whole list!

As a special note to my friends here at the Snark, my book’s page on Lulu.com is desperately seeking positive reviews. Please note that you DO NOT want to purchase the book from there…it’s $12.99 PLUS shipping from them. To get the special deal, order from the humor-blogs store. But I would love to have a high review on Lulu so I could maybe get some sales from there too, from people who don’t know the wonders of Humor-Blogs.com. So please go write me a positive review over there! You need a username and password and the like, but it only takes a few seconds….please?!?

I have a nice set of topics for upcoming Crummy Letters, and there will for sure be a new Crummy Letter next Tuesday (maybe sooner, if I can take care of the other 647 things I have going on right now).

CrummyJoel out!

PS: BUY A COPY OF MY BOOK!

Or, was I supposed to nail down who was posting today?  Was it me?  Oy vey, whatever you do, please don’t let Snuppy know that it took me absolutely no time at all to let  Central Snark slide right off the Humor-blogs.com map.  Oh sure, people will say, “Remember that blog?  Kind of scary yet intriguing header?  Wacky woman posting, sort of reminded you of your crazy Aunt Bea?  Pretty funny?”  Yeah, uh - don’t remember it.  And faster than Snuppy could say, “oh look - something shiny!” The Snark will have slid out of everyone’s hearts and memories. 

The demise will be traced back to this exact moment when people came a calling for a little light hearted Monday humor or Snuppy’s not-yet-copyrighted Musical Opposites Cheap Laughs (MOCL) posts and EEEK - Saturday Spin?  It’s freaking Monday!  So we won’t get into who exactly was lining up blog posts and who exactly let the ball go rolling onto an eight lane highway only to be splattered by an oncoming eighteen wheeler.  We won’t. 

Instead, we’ll just sing along with The Boomtown Rats because it was musical and it was in Snuppy’s archives which read “In case of emergency, break glass”.  So I did.  Not that the Boomtown Rats qualify as a cheap laugh, but I’m hoping someone can come up with a good joke in the comments to get me off the hook here.

Now then, I am at my office where I get paid to actually work.  More than this I couldn’t come up with on such short notice to myself.  Hey give me a break, didn’t you see my new family member whom I had to leave this morning?  This cursed working for a living existence!

Screw this, head on over to Humor-blogs.com where the highways are all traffic-free!

I was looking for something else on YouTube and the following song caught my ear/eye.  It’s a song of the Corrs, “When the Stars Go Blue” sung with Bono of U2.  In that moment, I remembered why even if I haven’t listened to anything by U2 in ages, they’re still a fave.

It’s been a tough week for someone quite near and dear to us and her family.   I just wasn’t feeling a new spin for today.  I’ll be back next week, once again spinning out of control, but for today we’ll rest. 

Have a great weekend.

~ DJ LAMPSHA

To answer the Corrs question, “Where do you go when you’re lonely?”  - why to Humor-blogs.com, of course.

PS:  If you’d like to meet my new family member who looks suspiciously like this guy, by all means drop by SimplySaid.  And Kalfu’ur - he’s not a Yorkshire Terrier, got it?