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I heard yesterday that Stephen Colbert is running for president. Surprise, surprise.
First he copies me in being a tall, skinny kind-of-geeky-but- in-a-not-unattractive-way humorist. Then he copies me in devising a humorous persona who is an obnoxious blowhard to cover the fact that in real life he is, in fact, an obnoxious blowhard. And now he has announced that he is running for president, much as a certain someone else did a few months ago.
We’re not in direct competition, because I’m running for the 2020 election, but this is totally going to ruin my chances to build momentum over the next 13 years. My plan was to double my number of supporters every week until the election, so that by 2020 I’ll have (13 x 52) squared people in the Diesel for President organization. You’re probably wondering, “Why so many squared people? Why not round people or trapezoidal people?” Well, I am a Republican, after all. Squared people is all we have.
Colbert, that weasel, hasn’t declared a party affiliation, but I’m guessing he’s a card carrying member of the Stupid Copycat Party. Colbert can’t do anything original. He even copies himself. He actually has two Wikipedia entries: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Colbert and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stephen_Colbert_(character). That’s right, Stephen Colbert he has a whole Wikipedia entry devoted to a character he has created named Stephen Colbert.
Here’s an idea, Steve. Can I call you Steve? Why don’t you create another character called Stephen Colbert and make him your running mate? Maybe we can call him Steve. Every presidential ticket should have at least one person named Steve. That way, when you don’t know the answer to a question, you can say, “I’m not 100% sure on that, but I’ll check with Steve.” Come to think of it, you could probably do that with other names too.
Steve even copied me in writing a book. Mine is called Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police. His is called I Am America (And So Can You!). They are basically the same book, except that mine has a title that makes sense. Sort of. His also has more pages, but I have it on good authority that they are filled with racial epithets and bees.
Also, someone* once said the following about MY book:
All work and no job makes Diesel something something. Really funny? Why yes! That’s exactly what I was trying to say, in my own pathetic-yet-well-meaning fashion! And thank you for filling in those blanks.
In truth, I’m guessing it will be significantly easier to write a review for this book after I’ve actually read it, but, since I’ve had the pleasure of reading at least ONE draft (maybe two?) I know “Antisocial Commentary” is filled with many words, most of them spelled correctly, and all of them in complete sentences. The fact that these “words” are well crafted, and often laugh-out-loud hilarious is but a bonus, but that’s beside the point. The point, which is working its way through my fragile little mind, even as I type, is that Diesel is that rare author, who manages to find humor in just about anything. And not just “regular” humor, but the much more difficult/rare Oh My God I’m About To Wet My Pants Because I’m Laughing So Hard, Help Me Jeebus! variety. You know, the really good kind. The kind you’d expect to find in a book written by someone like, say Dave Barry, a Pulitzer Prize winning author and close personal friend of yours truly. Now THERE’S a humorist… but I digress.
Buy this book, not just because it’s completely hilarious, but because Diesel is a decent fellow, who laughs every time I make a “diesel fitter” joke, even tho’ he has NO idea why it’s supposed to be funny. I’m almost positive most folks will enjoy each and every fun-filled page — and I have no doubt “Antisocial Commentary” will be that rare volume that finds a permanent spot in most households right next to the toilet. Yep, it’s just that good. Did I say “good”? I meant to say Brillaint. ; )
Take that, Steve!
*Our beloved Snuppy, if you couldn’t tell by the rambling-yet-infectious writing style. What, she steals stuff from me.
Humor-Blogs.com something something something.
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That’s it! I’m naming my new dog Steven Colbert. Where’s a light sabor when I need one? Throws gloves down after smacking Diesel across the face - How could you denounce Steven Colbert the first chance you got when Snuppy wasn’t here? And as if that weren’t enough - posting her glowing review of your book to magnify her esteem and affection for you as if to say “Steven who?” That’s just…brilliant! Brilliant, I say and Snuppy would too if she were here and well, someone’s got to kick off the commenting.
Okay, where do I join your campaign? More roundish, than square but you know not like I haven’t crossed party lines before
Comment by Lampsha Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 11:00amYou know if he picks you for V.P. it would greatly increase your chances of winning POTUS in 2020.
Comment by JACC Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 12:02pmYes! Having himself as a running mate is genius! Quick copyright it and sell it to him!
Can you do that?
Comment by Howard Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 12:34pmComparing yourself to Stephen Colbert, now that’s funny!
Um…isn’t Pink Floyd an English rock band? I’m thinking the American Flag has you beat Diesel.
This post is just stupid, but I guess that is the point.
Comment by Patty Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 12:35pmLampsha - Actually, I have no idea if he’s an obnoxious blowhard. I just assumed that he is, because I am. Actually, reading his wikipedia entry, it seems we have quite a lot in common, except for him being WAY more successful. But then, he’s also older.
JACC - Maybe I’ll pick HIM! Or something.
Howard - I’ll bet he copies me. Wanker.
Patty - Pink Floyd is a ROCK BAND? Holy crap, I thought he was one of the original signers of the Declaration of Independence. My bad.
Comment by Diesel Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 12:45pmDiesel: I’ve told you hundreds of times I CAN’T be your running mate, since I wasn’t born in this country. So please stop emailing me. I would be proud to be your secretary of education, however.
Also, I thought Pink Floyd played for the Muppets Band.
Comment by crummyjoel Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 1:01pmCrummy Joel, you’re thinking of Animal! Ooh, so I guess Grundir would be out as well under the not born here issue.
Comment by Lampsha Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 2:20pmWell, you do have Stephen beat in the looks department by a long shot!
Comment by Patty Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 3:01pmPatty - And I think that’s what we really care about in a president, isn’t it?
Comment by Diesel Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 5:32pmOh good, I thought it was just me who didn’t think the title of his book didn’t make sense.
Comment by Jeff Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 7:36pmI like Stephen Colbert…all two shows I saw…Snuppy made me watch them!
I don’t know yet the inside of your book, but the cover alone persuades me more than the other one.
You are certainly displaying political tendencies already today, patting yourself on teh shoulder, advertising every chance you get and stripping opposition down to their knickers…
*ponders what kind of knickers Mr. Colbert wears and shutters*
Comment by Penguin Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 9:08pmIt’s just plain criminal to compare Diesel to Dave Barry! Diesel is way funnier.
Comment by Fiar Thursday, 18 October 2007 @ 10:54pmI will vote for you… never mind I’m in a different country, its not important, what counts is my intent. And that you have a far better beard than pooey Mr Colbert.
Comment by Pope Terry Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 2:21amI’ll vote for you…so, does that make me square? I’ve always thought of myself as being more on the rectangular side, but I’ll do my best to be square. I don’t much like bees, so I’ll stick with Antisocial Commentary for my bathroom reading.
Comment by Theresa Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 5:10amFor the record, Floyd was in the Muppet band with Animal. How people forget these things is beyond me!
Based on my first reading of Diesel’s book, I’d vote for him. Although it might get me arrested as I’m not a citizen or resident or such of the U.S. More, unwelcome occasional visitor, really. But absentee ballets are pretty simple to get. Especially by 2020.
I think the best compromise is for Mr. Colbert (hey, is that French!?!) to run as Diesel’s V.P. If they put in a serious race people would be too distracted by Colbert to notice that Diesel has no political experience.
Dave Barry humour makes people say things like,” Hmmm, yes, that is a rather whitty point.” Diesel humour is more like,” Ha ha, Hahaha, HA! Hahahaha, Hehe, HA HA HA… oops, I peed.”
Comment by IDiveAtNight Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 5:49amA Californian Republican? Ahhh, the last of a dying breed that not even a Ronald Reagan Fund To Help Near-Extinct Animals could help.
Comment by elasticwaistbandlady Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 8:24amelasticwaistbandlady- They don’t go down quietly do they?
Comment by Patty Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 10:38am[...] guest posted at Central Snark this week and had a funny commentary about how Stephen Colbert is getting all his good ideas from the poor, pitiful, self-promoting [...]
Pingback by The Web Pen Blog » Blog Archive » Roundup - Week Of Oct 12 Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 12:13pmJeff - Yeah, he’s not much of a “writer.”
Penguin - Actually, I think he’s a genius. Something else we have in common…
Fiar - Well, we’ll see if I’m still this funny in 30 years.
Pope Terry - I think it makes me look like “one of the people.”
Theresa - And they aren’t the nice little honey bees either. They’re like, African killer bees. With tattoos and rabies.
IDiveAtNight - I had no idea you even ordered the book. Aren’t you in the Netherlands? I didn’t send any copies there. Do you have a bootleg copy of my book? Fess up! Also, thank you very much.
Elasticwaistbandlady - Actually I’ve let my membership lapse. I’ve become more and more disgusted with the R’s. Although I like Arnold ok.
Patty - Hey, how I go down is none of your beeswax!
Comment by Diesel Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 12:31pmAs soon as I heard he was trying to run, I rolled my eyes. What a biter. Seriously.
Comment by Lisa Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 2:14pmI think you’re still safe Diesel. I think you’ve got 2020 in your pocket.
Comment by rjlight Friday, 19 October 2007 @ 4:59pmI know you don’t want to hear it, but Colbert’s bit on registering for the primaries in South Carolina was pretty damn funny the other night.
Comment by Chris C Saturday, 20 October 2007 @ 1:04am