Central Snark

I resolve to not make any stupid resolutions for 2008.

There. Done. Bam!

Ok, this is probably going to come off just a little negative, but I can’t honestly say I’ve ever met anyone who has kept a major new year’s resolution commitment. And you wanna know why? Easy. It’s because most people pick things that are too insanely impossible in the first place.

Oh right…
“I currently chain-smoke 3 packs a day but I’m going to quit smoking cold turkey on Tuesday.”
“I’m going to train all winter and run my first marathon this spring!”
“I’M going to eat nothing but organic vegetables grown within 2 miles of my house!”

Shut up. Just shut up. You’ll never last a week and you’ll be more miserable for trying when you fail. So why even bother?

I say if you HAVE to make a resolution - which you don’t - then make it something you can actually follow through on.

For example - stop picking your nose in your car at intersections. Or start leaving money in the basket for the donuts you eat at church on Sunday. Or give up watching SpongeBob SquarePants for the first 4 hours of every Saturday (ok, that one’s not as easy as it sounds). Little things like that. Little things that make you feel good about yourself. Little things that make you say “Hey - I’m not a total loser!”

So that’s my advice to you as this new year rolls on in. Keep it easy, keep it light, and most of all keep it to yourself. Because I really don’t want to have to pretend I’m going to support you in your unrealistic attempt to better yourself when I know you’re not going to last past January 2nd in the first place. But that’s only because years ago I vowed to be the most open and honest person I can be at all times. See, the good resolutions DO stick!

And now on a related note, I’m going to leave you with a little pencil sketch I made when I was touring as a mere youngster on the road - just after I had returned from playing some small islands in the South Pacific with the USO. I guess I was fascinated by the concept of desert islands at the time and the thought of being stranded on one was on my mind. Of course I’ve updated the caption to reference this next year instead.

Happy New Year everyone! I hope you have a fabulous and resolution-free holiday!

~ Jeff

The ONLY resolution you should make is to stop by Humor-blogs.com!

I really do wish I had the time to devote to a proper year end post.  You know, expertly toss off my TopTen and point out a few faves from this past year right here in our own little corner of the Blogosphere.  But that would require being prepared for class today. 

I will however just jump on NPR’s band-wagon and feature some of their year end best-ofs.  Some music I have featured, some I’ve been meaning to and some that I eventually will.  So let’s roll em: 

 Listeners’ Picks from All Songs Considered:  The People Have Voted

The Year in Review from All Songs Considered:  According to the reviewers at All Songs Considered - a review of music from the past year (not all glowing).

Songs of the Year/2007 Best Music:  Their picks for Best

It is the end of the year and I feel that I should have something profound to wrap up the year, or should I?

CHUCK PROPHET really deserves a proper spin of his own as he is fast becoming one of my faves of 2007.  But since we’re priming up for New Years (which is oh so rockin - not, in the Lampsha Household), I thought something to kick it off would be nice and so here’s Chuck:

Above song is Freckle Song from Chuck’s release Soap and Water.  You can hear a few more tunes over on his MySpace and check out more about him at Chuck Prophet.com. 

So a year’s gone by in the blink of an eye, and a few spins later here I am wishing you all a Happy New Year.  I hope it brings good health, success and happiness to all.  If those things elude you, meet me here next Saturday.  Happy New Year!

~ DJ LAMPSHA

PS:  Somebody’s balls are dropping at Humor-blogs.com! 

EVERY stinking time we hear (and/or say) that line we totally crack up. Because, let’s face it, one can put a “sexual” spin on just about any phrase. Unfortunately, this post has nothing to do with spins — sexual or otherwise* — for we’re guessing NO one wants to take a ride on the Dirty Sex Express after viewing Waldo’s wrinkled wares, yesterday, but that’s beside the point. The point, which almost made us blind when we saw it dangling between Waldo’s skinny legs, is that women say stupid shit leading things all the time. Naturally and/or (apparently) confusingly, what a woman wants and what comes out of her mouth aren’t always the same thing. (that’s what he said) At least that’s what one of our friends told us — the same friend who insists upon sending us silliness after silliness via e-mail.**. What? You didn’t think we ever bothered to read our Many and Often Annoying Electronic Messages? Well listen up — despite our reticence to answer everyone’s notes, we actually DO check our in-box from time to time, just to make sure it’s still working. (that’s what she said)

What She Says v. What She Means

(a tutorial for Men)

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she’s getting dressed, this means a half an hour. If she’s shopping, it means 3 hours. “Five minutes” is only 5 minutes if you’ve been given time to watch the game before cleaning out the garage and/or doing the dishes.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. “Nothing” means “f*cking huge and/or horrific”. Interestingly, arguments that begin with “nothing” often end in “fine”.

4. Go ahead and/or Do it: Both are dares, NOT words of permission. Do Not, under any circumstances, “go ahead” and/or “do it”.

5. Loud sigh: Not so much a “word” as a non-verbal statement frequently misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you’re an idiot and wonders why she’s wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about “nothing”. [see #3]

6. That’s OK: This phrase is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. “That’s OK” means she wants to think long and hard (heh) before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. Because you will pay for your mistake. Oh yes, you. will. pay.

7. Whatever: This is a woman’s way of saying “fuck you”.

8. Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, which loosely translated means: “Are you deaf, dumb… and blind? Do you want me to break a nail? Mother was right, you are an idiot.” This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response, refer back to #3.

9. I’ll think about it: Not in this lifetime, asshole.

And, finally…

10. Does this make me look fat?: Only a complete moron with a death wish would actually answer this question. Trust us, she doesn’t want to know if “this” makes her look “fat”, she wants to know if you’re still attracted to her. And not in a way that means she’s horny, so forget taking off your pants when you tell her she looks “nice”.

NOW we know what you’re thinking (those of you currently scratching your heads and/or balls, depending upon your “equipment”): is there a reason women process information differently from men? According to the following (completely hilarious) clip, there is:

AS always, we feel obliged to mention who’s behind the material we’re sharing. (that’s what he said) In this case, the sketch is the brainchild of British comedian, HARRY ENFIELD, a man, far as we can tell, who’s utterly hilarious from top to bottom. (that’s what she said)

~snuppy

Yes, you idiot, the girls are funny on HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.

*Speaking of spins (which we were) DJ LAMPSHA will surely come to the rescue with another Award Winning Spin, tomorrow, Shirley.

**Once we finally DID read our e-mail, we found a note from our favorite bloggoddess, MIZ BOHEMIA, who, as it happens, has a new post up for your enjoyment and/or perusal. Ours, too. Oh, and take your time, she’s not known for brevity, but, well worth the time/effort it takes to read her many words and/or watch her in glorious action!

WISH YOU WERE HERE!!!

Family Reunion in the Bahamas: $5,000

Memorable Christmas cards featuring Reunion Photo: $100

Stamps for sending Reunion Photo Christmas Card to everyone: $82

NOT noticing sunbather over Cousin Dodie’s left shoulder:

~PRICELESS~

~snuppy

PS: Since this is a “family(ish)” blog, we elected to spare you all the nuts and/or bolts of this charming (real) holiday greeting. That being said, we naturally wouldn’t want to deny anyone the opportunity to check out Waldo, the wanton sun-worshipper in the privacy of their own office and/or bathroom, if they so desired — which is why we included a link to the full picture, accessible by one click of the mouse (the one next to your computer and/or in your pocket, depending upon your persuasion).

Franks ‘n beans are on the menu at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM.

CALL us crazy, but we think this may be the BEST Christmas card, ever. And we’re not just saying that because A) it was sent to us via e-mail by our beloved cane-totin’ son, in lieu of giving us an Actual Card and/or Gift, B) speaking of gifts, we have many (from people who are NOT our son) we need to exchange, and are freaking out at thoughts of attempting to do so on the Busiest Freakin’ Shopping Day of the Whole Freakin’ Year, C) it’s Boxing Day in Canada, which means, uh, something, D) following 38 back-to-back viewings of our Favorite Christmas Movie, we want to shoot our eye out, and D) we ate so much Delicious Holiday Food for dinner last night we almost puked.

ALSO, we never quite got around to mailing out any of our Actual Christmas Cards to any of our Actual Friends, of which there are very few. And we’re not talking about the folks who saw fit to send US Actual Christmas Cards, like, say, our Landscape Service People, the Staff at Starbucks, and/or Lenny, the Bug Guy. These people are quite nice and certainly appreciate our business, but we know what a “friend” is, and Lenny? Just because we’ve listened to you ramble about that “girlfriend” you’ve been stalking and/or your “issues” with her need for “time off” (it’s been 2 years Lenny, let it go) don’t think for one minute we consider you a “friend”. You creep us out, Lenny, and we think you know that — or you will the moment you pull off those “if I can get her alone for a few weeks I know I can make her love me” blinders. But, as too often happens when we’re wondering how to get Lenny out of our lives and/or bending over the toilet in order to relieve ourselves of too much figgy pudding, we digress. We were telling you about the cards we didn’t mail, which are currently stacked neatly on the counter, next to all the gifts we plan to list on ebay return, after the first of the year. Ho Ho Woe...

According to our Ungrateful Son, the above festive/charming e-card was found on [adult swim]– home to many fine and/or disturbing programs.

~snuppy

Next year, everyone’s getting a subscription to Humor-blogs.com.

(This article compiled from various wire reports)

HEAVEN (AP): Jesus Christ, longtime namesake of the holiday “Christmas”, has issued a statement through heaven’s lone lawyer, asking that His Name be completely removed from the aforementioned holiday.

Said Christ, “Many of My followers get uptight when people use X-mas to remove my name from the holiday. But quite frankly, I prefer it that way. Seriously…have you even seen what happens leading up to this day?!?”

Christ, known during his time on earth as an advocate for the poor and downtrodden, continued: “Riots in shopping malls? Fistfights over video game systems? Spending exorbitant amounts of money on people who already have everything they could possibly ask for? Does that sound like something I’d like to be involved in? Pick one of those other pretend deities and name this holiday after them. I’m through with it. Besides, I was very likely born in the springtime.”

In His statement, Christ produced graphs and documentation that the Christmas holiday has suffered a sharp downward moral spiral over the past few decades. While gifts to the poor have increased over this time, they have not increased at the same rate as greed, gluttony, self-centeredness, and violent temper tantrums as a result of not getting a Wii that I asked for TWO WHOLE YEARS IN A ROW.

“Look, I’m all for the large amounts of time spent with the family during the holidays,” Christ continued. “That part I can get behind. However, I already created a time when families are supposed to get together and think about Me. It’s called ‘Sunday‘. Perhaps this X-mas time would be less stressful for everyone if you took advantage of the 52 other times during the year when you’re supposed to be together.”

Christ refused to lay all of the blame at the feet of secular commercialism: “My children are the cause of a lot of My consternation…as usual. I mean, have you seen how eager they are to nail me to a cross? These days, you can’t get through an X-mas message without hanging Me out to dry by the end of it. They’re trying to kill me quicker than Herod did when I was born for real the first time! For My sakes, can you not let the Son of Man live His 33 years before killing Him?!? Do they not realize that without those 33 perfect years, that cross didn’t mean diddly-squat?” Such strong language only emphasizes Christ’s seriousness regarding this issue.

When asked for a reaction to Christ’s statement, most of the world’s Christians had their mouths too full of mashed potatoes and/or stuffing to understand what they were saying. At the time of this printing, no other deities had offered to attach their name to the holiday in Christ’s stead.

Christ completed his statement by admitting that the entire idea of Christmas was not entirely unsalvageable. “Look, I’m a forgiving guy. It’s kinda my shtick. Can we just get back to the basics of this holiday? Let’s focus on giving, let’s focus on the most downtrodden, let’s focus on children and widows and the needy. Even crazier, let’s focus on the sinful. In short, let’s focus on the people whom I focused on while I was here on earth. Please?!?”

For the Associated Press, I’m CrummyJoel. Further information on this story can be found at humor-blogs.com

The other night I was innocently flipping through the channels and landed on a rerun of Jay Leno, just before he was about to introduce the musical guest for the night.

Since I didn’t know who he had booked, I stayed tuned, eager to enjoy another quality musical guest. But imagine my surprise when camera panned over to the stage and instead found…

THIS GUY!

GAH!I thought these guys were long dead. I guess that explains why Dee Snider looks like he’s been exhumed.

Last year Twisted Sister celebrated their 30th anniversary as a band, and to cap it off they released this new holiday album called… you guessed it - “A Twisted Christmas“.

And so the other night I watched them play their very twisted version of O Come All Ye Faithful which (cleverly?) superimposes the words directly over the same melody as We’re Not Gonna Take It.

Hmm, he didn’t figure that out until now? I remember thinking that was a rip-off 23 years ago when that song first came out.

Anyway, the act was entertaining - in a “it’s really hard to not watch a train wreck” kind of way. The poor band looks exactly like a weather-beaten version of the original, except for the “please just shoot me now” expressions they now wear on their faces.

Here’s the video of their version of O Come All Ye Faithful.

As I’m sure you discovered right away, having actual acting skills were not as much a prerequisite for this gig as much as having large breasts and the ability to shake your hair around.

Of course I’m quite sure you weren’t surprised to find they managed to add a sexy “video chick” to a classic Christmas song such as O Come All Ye Faithful. But then again isn’t that their job?

I mean duh - this IS Twisted Sister!!!

~ Jeff

Ye faithful always come to Humor-blogs.com for truly twisted humor!

It’s not that I’m lazy and the thought of a post just writing itself isn’t ever so appealing.  Not at all.   It’s just that some traditions are worth preserving - sort of like Fruitcake, right Frogster?  So it is with this in mind that I reprise an old Christmas Chestnut played here last December in the following post.  

Fade in… 

Here’s my Christmas Carol offering, bringing Joyem to the Goyem if you will (Billy, you’ll forgive my swiping that one). This is a fine Christmas song and I’m sure the lyrics “You drunkard, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot” have nothing to do with my partiality. Makes you want to curl up in front of the Yule Log — that or pogo ’round the Christmas tree, or throw the yule log through a window.

Either way, tighten your seatbelts for as fine a Christmas song as I can recall from the band THE POGUES and the late Kirsty MacColl — in Fairytale of New York,  deemed THE BEST CHRISTMAS SONG EVER in a VH1 UK poll. I think I may just have to agree. But you know, call someone an “old slut on junk” over the sweet sounds of a penny whistle and I tend to wax poetic.

Warning: listening to this song may bring a subliminal desire to hoist pints at the pub.  We do not endorse or want that to be the outcome of this (unless you’d like to), but damn if they don’t make you recall a time when it wouldn’t be so far fetched. Is that so wrong?  At the very least, you may just tap a toe.

Listen up mates and enjoy. And, should the spirit move ye in true Irish tradition, feel free to join in on the singing at the pub:

~DJ O’Lampsha

fade out…

Have yourselves a wonderful weekend.  I hope it is not spent shopping for last minute gifts unless of course, you choose to spend your free time being crammed in with less than perfect strangers fighting over cashmere sweaters.  But truly have yourselves a Merry Christmas and may peace and good health be yours in the New Year. 

PS:  Peace, good health and drunkards (not necessarily in that order) can all be found at Humor-blogs.com!

HEH HEH, we said “doody”.

AW. We know the following clip won’t bring back any memories for most of you, but for those of us who grew up in front of black & white TV (literally, and what was up with that, Mom?) this is pretty sweet. Or incredibly scary. For once again we’re struck with the surreal and bizarre knowledge that we were charmed by another — in a series of — pathetic, crappy and/or poorly produced television shows deemed appropriate for kids, back when the term applied to us. While there were many we enjoyed more than we’d care to admit, one of our particular favorites originated from a place called Doodyville, and featured a ridiculous (possibly retarded) clown called “Clarabell”, a happy-go-lucky pedophile? guy named “Buffalo Bob”, and a goofy, freckle-faced boy/marionette known to those yearning to sit in the peanut gallery as: HOWDY DOODY

QUESTIONS: Buttered popcorn on a Christmas tree? Is it just us, or does the scent of a rancid congealed milk product NOT conjure up warm, fuzzy memories of Christmases past? Also, how does someone residing in the town of Doodyville come to possess a space ship? That said, Buffalo Bill’s rocket (heh) did remind us of the one commandeered by Flash Gordon back in 1936, so that was actually kind of cool. Mind you, we weren’t around in ‘36, but the wasted hours we spent drooling in front of the TV allowed us to view all forms of questionable shows, including, but not limited to, reruns of movie shorts cleverly repackaged as Quality Children’s Programming.

NEEDLESS to say, our lost youth is completely beside the point. The point, which was kissing Mommy underneath the mistletoe, is that The Howdy Doody Show was kind of lame — never more so than when in Holiday Special Mode. Seriously, some humbug wanted us to believe Santa Claus — expected to drop through our own filthy chimneys later that night — got trapped inside his own crappy house? St. Nick — magical bearer of gifts — was rendered helpless by a “kidnapper” so stupid he named himself Ugly Sam? Kris Kringle — normally surrounded by elves and/or reindeer — was unable to move an inch until a ridiculous cowboy, a retarded clown, and a red-headed puppet showed up to save the day? What kind of message is that to send to a bunch of gullible kids? Ya better watch out, ya better not cry, Santa Claus sucks… blah blah blah blah??

OH, and PS, after that dumb chase in the “dark” and finally catching up with the aforementioned Ugly Sam, why did Buffalo Bob sit on his face?

DEAR MOM: we want our childhood back.

~snuppy

Tra-la-la-LAUGH-all-day from the peanut gallery at Humor-blogs.com.

WHAT’S green and red and white and green and red and white and green and red and white? A Christmas Frog in a Blender! Get it? Frog? Santa hat? Blender? Okay, so maybe we’re the only ones who think we’re funny, but guess what? We don’t care, because we’re the only ones writing this intro. But, that, of course, is beside the point. The point, which just ran off with your sense of humor, is that The Holidays bring out the best and worst in us. So forget what we just said about Christmas Frogs — in blenders or otherwise — and join us in welcoming our Very Good and Funny Friend, THE FROGSTER, who has seen fit to bless us with a Holiday Themed Post. That said, we could care less if YOU actually enjoy what he’s written, because WE did, and as you know by now, that’s all that matters. That said, trust us, The Frogster is a wonderfully clever writer — and we Strongly Urge you all to take a peek at his blog, if you’ve yet to do so. We can’t say for sure, but we’re guessing there’s a fruitcake in it for you, if you DON’T. ~snuppy

A FRUITCAKE SAVED MY CHRISTMAS TONIGHT

The Frogster here. I hope everyone is enjoying the last few weeks of 2007. Beth and I had a bit of a tiff when she discovered a piece of tinsel on my shirt and accused me of having an affair with a Christmas Fairy, but we seem to have put that behind us.

The holidays. A time for cheer and good wishes and generosity and kindness and volunteering and love and peace and singing and companionship. Fine and wonderful things. The holiday season, however, also has a horrible dark side. This dark side is the unseemly yet pervasive attitude running rampant through our culture that it is okay to take all of our holiday stress out on that most misunderstood and unappreciated of holiday confections. That’s right, I’m talking about the Manna of Midwinter, the Delicacy of December, the Wonder of the Winter Solstice. Fruit cake. Fruit cake is as vital to the survival of our holiday traditions as the blazing Christmas light show that our neighbors leave on all night with accompanying carols coming out of a speaker turned to the “Sonic Boom” volume setting.

It is my fondest hope that my neighbors’ speaker gets ice in it and explodes. It is my second fondest hope that, with a little illumination, I can help you to understand why you must stop this unjustified campaign of terror against The Almighty Fruit Cake.

Now, your might think your History of Christmas trivia is up to snuff with regard to the tradition of Kris Kringle, due to the TV special “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” (Interestingly, the first Christmas had to be cancelled due to a clerical error when Kris spent all night thinking he was supposed to come to “Twon” and couldn’t find it). The special left out a few critical details, however, due to the need to tighten it up in order to fit it into the allotted time slot, which I will now pass along to you in an effort to make the world a better place.

Way back when, during the reign of the evil Burgermeister Meisterburger, a kindly old soul named Kris Kringle wanted to spread a little cheer during the dark days of deepest winter. We all know this. One of Kris’ more popular gifts was fruit, due to the fact that the only place that grew fruit back in those dark times was Italy, and the Mafia controlled the exportation of fruit with a bronze fist (this was before the secrets of iron working were revealed by Louis Casting). So only Kris, with his supersonic sled, could sneak in and retrieve the fruit.

After the “Twon” typo was corrected, the tradition went on just fine for a couple of years until Burgermeister Meisterburger discovered Kris’ treachery and hired fruit bats to patrol the sky on Christmas Eve (all this was in the original TV special but was later cut). When Kris would get close, the bats would descend on him like, well, like fruit bats after fruit. The fruit bats would decimate Kris’ sled and the children would be unhappy for the whole year. Mrs. Kringle, the grandmother of contraband, realized that if the fruit was encased in something the bats wouldn’t be able to detect it. So she baked some cakes and stuck the fruit inside. This worked well, though Kris had to make seven or eight trips, due to the fact that he could only fit so many cakes on his sled. Then one year, Mrs. Kringle remembered too late that she had run out of yeast. She made the cakes anyway, and it was an unexpected success. Kris could fit all the unrisen cakes on his sled and deliver every last bit of the fruit in one trip.

A rather underreported fact is that since all of the fruit had to be cut up to fit it into the slimmer cakes, the children’s fathers had to stay up all night putting the little pieces of fruit back together, thus starting another holiday tradition that continues to this day.

So, without the mighty fruit cake, there would be no such thing as Christmas. I hope that, armed with this knowledge, we can stop the rampant fruit cake bashing that makes for so much mean-spirited holiday cheer at this time of year. In fact, I’d like to institute National Fruit Cake Day, celebrated on December 29th, in rememberance of a missing cake ingredient leading to the glorious triumph over The Burgermeister’s army of Grinchlike Fruit Bats.

In preparation for National Fruit Cake Day, I’d like you all to go enjoy a piece of fruit cake today. I already have. In case you do not have any samples of this most delicious of holiday confections, due to your fruitcake prejudices, be sure you have some for next year. You can buy some after the holidays in the discount section of your local Mega Mart. Don’t worry, it will keep. In the meantime, I’ll have another piece, just to make up the difference. Happy Holidays!

I like my fruit cake with a little humor-blogs.com in it.

fruit cake Burgermeister Meisterburger holiday traditions to smuggle home to your loved ones