Central Snark

RUH-ROH. Imagine our surprise, chagrin, and/or utter embarrassment when — thanks to a less than subtle “nudge-nudge” from our very dear friend, TAN LUCY PEZ — we were reminded that today, of ALL the days in all the months of each and every stinking year is our pal DOUG‘S 40TH BIRTHDAY!!! (that’s, like, 280 in dog years… you know, old)

WEA (in our heads, that’s plural for “mea”) culpa, you CRUSTY CURMUDGEON, you. That said, surely you can recall the fact that some of us DID see fit to wish you a Happy Happy Joy Joy this time LAST YEAR, Shirley — and in a rather grand fasion, at that. Or is it difficult to remember stuff like that at your age? (careful boy, say word one about our own “advanced” years, and we will hurt you… we may be older, but we also carry bigger sticks)

~red-faced snuppy

A gooey multi-layered cake sporting trick candles awaits ALL Friends of Bierce over at Humor-blogs.com. Everyone else can eat bread.

PS: a more resourceful blog would hang on to the post we did earlier in order to use it later this week. We, however, are too lazy to do that. (our way of saying please read it, because our son took all of 3 minutes out of his not-so-busy day to find/send us that video, and we think it’s really cute)

OH woe is us!! Last night before tucking ourselves in bed, we sneaked a peek into the Snarky queueueue (que who?) and could have sworn we saw one of CRUMMY (tho SO not) JOEL’s hilarious and perfectly wonderful posts in there, but now it’s gone. Gone we tell ya, GONE! And with it, all our hopes for not having to write a post of our own.

Naturally, had we bothered to also sneak a peek at our email (253 “messages” and counting), we’d have found Crummy(ish)Joel’s crummy(er) note sitting right next to an offer for DryerBalls (which we believe we will be ordering, if only to say we have them). But, as we’re so often wont to do when thinking about Unfortunate Product names, we digress. The point, which came thisclose to being rolled over by a fluffy and oh-so-dry ball, is that our good friend did send us an email, which read a little something like this:

Hey Snuppy.

I’m sick today, my seventh graders gave me something respiratory and nasty. (those sneaky/snot-filled bastards)

I’m afraid I’m gonna be in no conscious state to write any sort of coherent (the Snark is coherent?) post for tomorrow. Unless you don’t mind me just pimping the fact that it’s the last day to preorder my book. (Joel, you clever whore)

Anyhow, if you want something funny and snarky tomorrow, I’m afraid I’m not your guy. And I even have a topic, just not a state of mind to write it. (is it about sneaky/snot filled bastards? and/or their f*cky parents who send ‘em to school in hopes of infecting their math teacher in order to prevent him from writing an award winning post instead of pimping his book?)

Sorry (not as sorry as you will be we are)

~Feeling Crummy, Crummy Joel

~snuppy

BE sure to visit Humor-blogs.com, where only the humor is sick — and EVERYONE can order CrummyJoel’s Crummy Book.

THE bad news: our boy was in a terrible car accident.

THE good news: he’ll be okay.

THE very bad news: he broke his back

THE very good news: his surgeon is one of the best in the tri-state area.

THE scary news: his vertebra was shattered, his left leg numb, and his hip, fractured.

THE reassuring news: in a few months he’ll be walking without the aid of leg braces and crutches.

THE terrifying news: that surgery lasted over 5 nerve-wracking hours.

THE comforting news: he came through with flying colors.

THE annoying news: he’ll be in the hospital for at least a week, and physical therapy for months.

THE awesome/silver-lining news: he has to quit smoking, otherwise his bones will never heal.

JUST a wee bit o’ silliness to thank you all for your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes. So sorry to be a bother, and so comforted and humbled by everyone’s kindness. We (in this case, BoBo & Snuppy) are grateful to have such caring friends, even tho’ some are, but, “virtual”. Trust us, that’s merely a detail, and doesn’t make you any less “real” in our eyes and/or hearts. The Snark will get back to some semblance of regular posting when it gets back to some semblance of regular posting. In other words, eventually. What… doesn’t that make sense? Well, not to sound too snarky and/or yippy, but not much about today has. (made sense, that is)

also, many thanks to the delicious Miz BoheMia (aka Catty Yummy Mummy) for pitch hitting so deftly and delightfully on Thursday. That said, so, amiga, this is what it takes to pull you out of Snarky retirement?? Yikes. (kidding, we kid)

~snuppy

Laughter is no accident on Humor-blogs.com. (which happens to be a grand place to grab a smile, especially when they’re in short order, elsewhere.)

BELIEVE it, or not, we’re working on a shiny new post, even as we type this crappy little notice. Unfortunately, due to a minor wrinkle in our schedule, we’re running late. Stay tuned… we promise we’ll be sexing it up in here, any minute now. Just give us a moment to catch our breath. (that’s what she said)

THAT said, is it wrong to complain about having to do our own freaking housework because Not-Hazel informed us upon her arrival that she had to leave “early” today — then spent 2 hours telling us details about her latest family woes, before skipping off to clean someone else’s house — only after stopping off, first, to deposit our check? Or are we, like DIESEL, merely a tragic fucktard dingleberry on the Tree of Our Own Life? (don’t answer that)

~snuppy

Every post is shiny and/or new on Humor-blogs.com.

Dear Crazy Aunt Bea, a/k/a, Snuppy,

I know I told you I’d write a clever and/or hilarious post for the Snark this week, but, what with my new “BOOK” coming out, and that house I have to “build”, and, um, my own clever and/or hilarious blog, I’m afraid I just don’t have enough time. You know how it is… all work and no beer makes Homer something something, and all that rot. Still, I hope you’re not too depressed by the fact you may actually have to write something yourself. Ha ha. Oh, I realize that whatever YOU put together won’t be nearly as hilarious and/or clever as the posts I make up while I’m pouring cement and/or stopped by the side of the road taking a piss, but give it a shot. Maybe you’ll luck out ‘n hit on something worth a chuckle or two. Probably not, but at least you’ll have tried. And isn’t that what counts? Actually, no, but that’s beside the point. The point, which I accidentally dumped into my cement mix, is that I simply have NO time to write a post for the Snark this week. Clever and/or Hilarious… and/or otherwise.

I feel real bad. Not bad enough to write something, mind you, but bad, nonetheless.

~Your Very Good, Clever and/or Hilarious Friend, DIESEL

PS: Remember, you may not always have me to pump up the “reader” volume around here, but you’ll always have Pumaman (a lá MST3K). So, you know, that and a bag of popcorn and/or peanut M&M’s might make you happy for a minute or 8.

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NO, this isn’t a verbatim reprint of the e-mail we received. But it’s close, and could have been exactly what he wrote, had we demanded to get something outta that ungrateful young whippersnapper we took under our, um, sidebar a few months ago. That said, the following video IS one he sent last week — along with a similar e-mail — in hopes of lifting our spirits and/or getting off the posting hook. That Diesel… Kind of hard to stay annoyed with someone when they’re A) so nice, B) so funny, C) so sure to do a clever and/or hilarious post for us… any day now. Hey, we bought no fewer than 8 copies of his “book” (our sister bought a couple, too, which surely means we’re responsible for at least 10, Shirley) We’re thinkin’ he owes us… BIG TIME. At least in our heads he does. In real life? Probably not so much.

*That’s right, your eyes don’t lie… we can be (sort of) clever and/or (almost) hilarious, too. Witness our efforts to turn Diesel’s “Simpsonized” picture into an “avatar” for the purposes of “pimping” A) his clever blog, B) his “hilarious book“, and C) the fact that we’re in the running for this week’s clever and/or hilarious caption contest, and, dammit, to date we’ve managed to garner a pathetic 3% of the votes. Not that we’re bitter, mind you, but would it be asking too freaking much of our one or two Very Good Friends to throw us a couple of stinkin’ “vote bones”? So help us Jeebus, we’d do the same for them (and/or you), unless, of course, they (and/or you) were in the running, too.

~Crazy Aunt Bea (a/k/a Snuppy)

The d’oh!s always open at Humor-blogs.com.

DOUBLE D’OH!!!: It’s Snuppy and Bobo’s Anniversary today! So wish ‘em all the happiness in your comments. They make marriage look like a walk in the park (without mosquito bites). LOVELOVELOVE to them both.

ON US??? Say it ain’t so, DIESEL. Say it ain’t so.

SADLY, it is so. Young Diesel’s been too busy to favor us with a post for the past few weeks, yet he somehow managed to scratch out a moderately amusing paragraph OVER HERE. Bastard. Good thing we didn’t see that last week when we were A) scrambling for something to put up here, B) heading up to Boston with TEH PENGUIN, even as we worried about what we were about to put up here, and/or C) worrying while we were walking the Freedom Trail in 153 degree heat, because we wrote something really pathetic and feared no one would leave a comment, or even worse, bother to come back when we eventually had something better to offer (LAMPSHA’S Saturday Spins notwithstanding, because, let’s face it, those are always fabulous. And, of course, CRUMMYJOEL’S hilarious weekly offerings have been anything but crummy, and continue to get more hilarious with each passing week. But, as we’re wont to do when thinking about our faithful and/or talented contributors, we digress*).

ONCE we wiped the sweat from all that worry and/or heat off our furrowed brow, we managed to have a great time in Boston (until we got sick, that is), but that’s beside the point. The point, which is as obvious as the fakey smile on our face, (just above our fevered brow), is that Diesel cheated on us, and we’re beside ourselves with dismay. Fortunately, it’s now August, and “dis” May has come and gone, and we’re moving on with our lives, or, at the very least, dis post. More or less. (mostly less)

WHAT can we say? We’re buying his stupid shirts. We’re pimping his stupid book. Heck, we were so desperate to get him back, we even offered to babysit for free should he ever decide to take his beautiful (and, we suspect, faithful) wife on a proper trip. What the hell does a blog have to do to win back the other man in it’s life? We’ll tell you what: nothing. That’s right, we’re not gonna do anything. Let him have his flings. Let him dazzle other blogs with his wit and/or weirdness. We’ll wait. He’ll come back, eventually. They always do.

~snuppy

*Speaking of “talented and/or faithful” — not to mention fabulous — contributors, we should note that the delicious and/or funkified CATTY YUMMY MUMMY naturally gets a “posting pass”, thanks to her recent cross-continental move. That said, we highly suggest watching her most recent videos, because they are nothing short of brilliant. And we’re certain the precocious and/or highly acclaimed author of steamy novels, THE LITTLE BLUE PILL, will see fit to favor us with another of her clever/hilarious sex-related posts any day now, as soon as she can pry her head out of the clouds. That said, who can blame her for being up there in the first place, after receiving such a fabulous review? (well done, girlfriend, well done!)

Nothing but guilt-free good times at Humor-blogs.com.

…you feel like a post. Sometimes you feel like a post-it. Sometimes you feel like a Post Toastie — but only after spending copious amounts of time outside, under the hot hot sun. And sometimes, you feel like ramming your head into a post. Especially when you’ve got nothing to post.

Sometimes you feel like a ghost. Then you look in the mirror and wonder why your hips don’t disappear. HAHAHA.

~snuppy

Pick up a FREE box of Cheerios at Humor-blogs.com.

AS many of you know, some of us are big fans of Mexican take-out. Not just “big” fans, mind you, but MUY GRANDE fans. We love it, and we don’t care who knows… unless it happens to be some poor schmuck standing behind us shortly after we’ve had a particularly tasty bean burríto. But we digress, as so often happens when we start reminiscing about bean burrítos and/or that guy we “inadvertently” offended the other day.

THE fact that we really hate cooking helps to explain our passion for take-out. Fortunately, we happen to like many different kinds of cuisine: Mexican, for sure, but we also adore Chinese, Thai, and Italian, to name but a few ethnic variants. Oh, and if someone delivers it, chances are pretty damn good it’s gonna wind up in our house and/or on our dinner plate at some point in time. But our real passion is for Mexican comida (that’s food for those of you who no habla Español). Black beans, rice, corn and/or flour tortillas, salsa picante… mmm. Makes our mouths water just thinkin’ about it. As you might imagine, there are a number of Mexican restaurants in the area that we enjoy, but only a couple we’re especially fond of. One that’s poco un más (a little more) basic and one that’s poco un más, um, gourmet. Not fansíco schmansíco gourmet, mind you, but definitely more upscale than, say, el mucho más basic Taco Bell.

THIS restaurant — let’s call it Ole Mole, because that’s its name — happens to be our Very Favorite. But the other one is muy delicioso, too, so we order from them often, as well. In fact, we laugh nervously whenever we head out to pick up food from this “other” restaurant, because it’s practically next door to Ole Mole, which means there’s a chance we could get caught. Sometimes we duck in the car while speeding past our beloved Favorite, in hopes the owners and/or staff don’t catch a glimpse of us, and realize we’re getting ready to “cheat” on them, by feasting on some other chef’s tasty fare. Needless to say, by the time we sit down to eat, our mouths are happy, but our nerves are frayed.

IMAGINE our surprise, then, when we called our “other” favorite Mexican restaurant the other day, and ordered our “other” favorite dishes — dishes that are not available at Ole Mole — and were told they weren’t on the menu. Imagine our confusion, when we argued over the phone with Señorita Order-taker, by saying something like “What the hell? We order this at least once a week”, and were told “Is it a special order? Because we don’t offer plain enchiladas, only enchilada suizas, with chicken.” Imagine our embarrassment, when — because we were, by then, very frustrated and hungry — we angrily demanded to speak with the manager, who recognized our voice and asked us point blank “Since when do you eat enchiladas? What happened to verdura tacos, arroz con frijoles, y empañadas?”

GULP. That’s when it occurred to us that putting our two favorite restaurants’ numbers next to each other on speed dial was a huge mistake. HUGE mistake.

SADLY, that’s not the end of this pathetic tale. Imagine our utter and/or total humiliation when we tried to order from our favorite Thai restaurant the very next week, and were told “Pad Thai? ¿Usted ha ido loco? PAD THAI??” and then got cussed out mucho más en Español. That’s right, we did it again. Suffice it to say, our favorite restaurant tried to break up with us after that incident, but we’re hoping to win it back by showing we can — and will — remain faithful. As far as Gabriella y/o Rosíta are concerned, anything we’re eating these days that’s NOT on their menu, is being lovingly prepared at home, by our own two hands. And we’ll do our very best to stay true, because we’re not food sluts, dammit. Still, we do get pretty hungry. And we don’t like to cook. Thank goodness Taco Bell is on the other side of town, otherwise, at any given dinner time on any given night, we’d be up Río Shíto without a burríto.

~snuppy

¿Dónde podemos encontrar Humor-blogs.com? ¡Necesitamos reír, pronto!

“Are you a shining example for the huge collection of wingtips and loafers that must be lodged up your lower bowel?”

                                             ~Dr. Melfi (Lorraine Bracco), The Sopranos

TRUST US, we know we complain a lot (a lot) about the fact that we never have anything to write about, but this time we’re not kidding. No, really. We have NOTHING to say. No funny jokes to tell, no hilarious musical opposites to offer, no lame-ass video to share. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.

THAT’S not to say we didn’t mull over a few potential topics we thought might be snark-worthy, because we did. But nothing “grabbed” us, and if it didn’t grab us, we felt sure as hell it wouldn’t grab you. That said, and in light of our current uninspired state of empty-mindedness, we’re willing to share a few of the fleeting “creative questions” we asked ourselves — that ultimately caused our eyes to glaze over as we stared at the empty screen in front of us, we hasten to add — in order to give you something to read:

1. Is it just us, or is David Chase telling us to all screw ourselves instead of thanking us for being loyal viewers and watching 85 freaking episodes of The Sopranos? Because that’s how we feel at the moment, screwed. And that asshole didn’t even take us out to dinner before having his way with us and/or dragging us into this one-sided relationship in which we give and we give and we give, and in return we’re forced to watch every single character die like a rat in cement boots before our very eyes. What’s up with that?

2. Would it be too disgusting to mention that the second antibiotic the doctor prescribed — after the first one caused our face to swell up, not to mention turn a freakish shade of red — “upset” the delicate bacterial balance in our even more delicate digestive tract, causing us to have the worst case of diarrhea in the history of mankind? Also, was it a mistake to eat delicious-yet-incredibly-spicy Mexican food two nights in a row?

3. Are we stupid for watching mindless shows like, say, CSI: MIAMI, which is as inane as anything we’ve ever watched in our lives, just because the visuals are spectacular? Also, has David Caruso always been such a lame actor? Wasn’t he good for a minute back in the days of NYPD Blue? And, what’s up with his need to look at anything and/or everything but the person he’s talking to at any given moment of any given scene? Are we wrong to think it’s hilarious? Should we let people know we engage in such behavior?

4. Speaking of decisions to watch reallyreally bad and/or stupid stuff on TV — besides, we mean, the Sopranos, which will be dead to us as soon as Chase kills off Tony, which is where the finale seems to be headed, whether we like it or not — would our friends walk away in disgust if they knew about the dumb movies we find ourselves watching every single time they show up on cable TV? Movies like Pirates of the Caribbean? Or The Philadelphia Story? Or The Fifth Element? Or — and some of us are very loathe to admit this one — The Big Bounce? Are we nuts?

5. If we don’t clean before Not-Hazel gets here to clean, will our house get clean? Could Not-Hazel write a post for us, instead? If so, would we have to not-write it, first?

6. Did everyone enjoy DJ LAMPSHA’S Saturday Spin as much as we did over the weekend? Also, will everyone show up tomorrow if we promise they’ll find something completely hilarious and read-worthy, even if it was written by another favorite Snarker, who’s name is not DIESEL? How ’bout Wednesday, when TEH PENGUIN pops her beautiful head in? How ’bout Thursday, when we’ll have ANOTHER surprise guest post, by another favorite blogger?? How ’bout Friday, when we will finally be able to share part two of that TV news series we did several years ago – that features our veryverysmart sister – and involves a little something we fondly refer to as HOT SEX? 

7. Do we have enough toilet paper to get us through the day?

~snuppy

Would it be funny to not-write a funny post for Humor-blogs.com?

Dear Snuppy,

I couldn’t get a post done for you tonight. I ate dinner and then sat down to do it and then remembered I had a meeting at church. After that the lovely Mrs. Diesel and I had to pick the caption finalists.  And now it’s 10:37.

So…  I suck.

You can blame me and everybody can have a laugh at my expense.  How about I do a post for you on Thursday instead?  ~Diesel

*JUST so you kids know, not only did young Diesel NOT do a post for the Snark (waaaaah) he DID do a series of his own extremely funny captions for his own — extremely funny — contest (hahaha). Let’s take a look, so that we may all feel less clever and/or inclined to participate in his crummy contest the next time around:

“And if I press right here, POW! The arms fly out!”

Sadly, Diesel’s dream of a web development partnership ended with an unexpected crash on Wall Street.

“Let me tell you, Spidey sense is no substitute for fashion sense. These tights are so last year!”

“See, you pull back like this and candy comes out of the neck.”

“Goodness, you’re carrying a lot of tension in your upper back.”

“Dammit, no matter how I adjust your head I can’t get the lighting to match my face.”

“Hey Spidey, am I bugging you? Get it, ‘bug’? Hey Spidey, pull my finger.”

And just like that, he was no longer a Spider-Boy. He had become a Spider-Man.

It was only when Diesel looked down that he realized how badly his roleplaying with Mrs. Diesel had gotten out of hand.

“Hey Spidey, remember when you said that from way up here I looked like a tiny little bug and you just wanted to wrap me up in a web and suck my guts out? Where are we going, by the way?”

“Hey, is that hair gel? Oh, ewwwww.”

“Giddyup, Seabiscuit!”

“It gives us the ring, nasty hobbitssssss!”

“Diesel, is that a pumpkin bomb or are you just happy to see me?”

“Look at me, I’m the scary black costume trying to take your soul! Mwuhahahahahahaha!!!”

“Can you believe nobody noticed this is the same outfit Kevin Costner wore in Robin Hood? I’m also doing the accent.”

“This is the best Macy’s parade EVER!”

“Sorry, Spider-Man. I have to take you in. There are no tags on your mattresses.”

“Dude, I’m telling you, turn around. This plasma TV behind us is INCREDIBLE.”

Spider-man’s spider-sense tingled as he sensed the arrival of his most dangerous foe, the Digital Manipulator.

*          *          *          *          *

FOR some strange reason, we’re bettin’ Diesel won’t forget to link his newest post to Humor-Blogs.com. That Diesel…

~Snuppy (who’s not bitter, but will pretend to be so for the rest of the day)