Central Snark


The Saturday Confesssional by Snuppy
Saturday, 22 July 2006, 4:22am
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps

Buenos dias Snarksters! Catty Yummy Mummy here trying to give my fellow Lady Snarksters a break by actually contributing a little to the dialogue. Snuppy my dear one, it being Saturday, you need a much deserved rest, although I do admit to being in awe to how you are always able to come up with brilliant posts and ideas! Dios mio! What is an uninspired bohemian to do? WHAT?

Do I really want to do this? Help? Fo sho! Rise to the challenge? YES! Fall flat on my face? HAH! Although…

How about we go with that? Being quite brilliant at clutzy ways I refuse, REFUSE I SAY, to believe that I am the only one who, when in an attempt to seductively walk towards my man, is more likely to literally fall flat on her face than make it over to complete the job with much feline-like movements… yeah, clumsy. That’s me. Loverboy will surely attest to that fact. You would too if your woman kneed you repeatedly in the crotch when trying to slide up and lie in your arms! When his package is actually safe and escapes an encounter with the bony joint that is the knee well, then it is his armpit who gets a good, painful bumping into by my shoulder. And do not get me started on how dressing up in an attempt to feel sexy and remove yourself from the “mom” label for a bit is just spoiled for good when a big, noisy and oh-my-god-so-damn-stinky-one escapes your, um, grips?, right in front of, yes, you guessed it, the Loverboy. *sigh*

And it doesn’t stop there, oh no! My clumsiness is not limited to physical actions but includes words as well. You see, the Farsi word for “flower”, a common term of endearment, is GOL, whereas the term for “shit”, yes you heard right, is GOH. Let us just say there was no way to deny it, escape it, change it when, in the first month of our relationship, I told my new lover, “Oh baby, you are such a GOH!” Yeah, it takes a real man to be called a SHIT and still love it up with you! Dios mio fo sho!

And believe you me that my clumsy ways are just not reserved for moments of romance. Oh no! There is more that I simply cannot remember at the moment but will reserve, for when memory serves me right, to funk it up with y’all in the comments soooo… come on! Reassure a bohemian and your fellow Snarksters and ‘fess up! Are you really as debonaire, sleek, chic and oh-so-graceful as you would have us believe or is there a clumsy skeleton or two in that tightly shut closet? Hmmm?

Bohemian and snarking minds want to know!

And with that, I bid you all a great Saturday, a big beso and good morning and oh, here is your TGSNWM dearest Neva and Joel… Gina, do you take tea or coffee? And for everyone else, you dear fellow Snarksters, we have Neva’s fab cookies, some cake, donuts, coffee, tea and fresh fruit juice galore! So live it up and come on, let the gabbing begin!

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23 Comments so far
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I.

Am.

FIRST!!!

Oh I’m totally debonaire, sleek, chic and oh-so-graceful.

I am! I AM!!! No, I did NOT stub my toe on leg of my bed frame earlier this evening then collapse on the bed as I writhed in pain. That wasn’t me. Nope. Wasn’t me.

I am graceful damn it! GRACEFUL!!

jenna -in utter denial

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Hahahahahaha!! CYM, your seduction “techniques” floor me. I must emulate. You are Goddess. I humbly bow 😉

I have never claimed to be a graceful swan. I can turn any grace-required situation into a night of kltuz and bruises. Hmmm. Bruises. Hmmm.. He did like tho..Erm. Where was I??

Recent memory reminds me of hot tea spilled over dress, a stick-on bra falling from chest to my knees as I yelped in shock at tea spillage, dangling there like 2 strange lumps of jelly much to the delight of my unsympathetic friends. I must think on this one. M pandora’s box of clumsy events overfloweth.

GG xox

Comment by good girl

Ooh delish things are pouring in! I am loving it! I still have to think on more things myself!

For now, Snuppy, I noticed the suggestion page is not working as it was before but I will be on that later on in the day and figure out a way to fix the problem or to perhaps open a new page that is functional for that! So if y’all have suggestions, email us for now or sit tight for that will be fixed, IT WILL I DO DECLARE! Fo sho!

Ok, let them confessions keep pouring in!

And yes, Jenna and G, methinks you guys are long lost sistahs of mine! Mon Dieu! And Jenna, I do recall some posts of some specific Ladee falling in the rain and being hit in the head and the like? Hmmm… Maybe some linkage is in order! YEAH BABY YEAH!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Hey girls! I think we’re going to have to call GG ahem double G so as to avoid any confusion. I’ve got my own clumsiness to recount. I don’t know if I am clumsy so much as not smooth. How’s that? Oh thank you, I have a latte working (homemade by Scissors) and it’s his Birthday! So I will have to fo sho come up with a smooth move or two. For now I just picture myself to be the toe stubbing, too much to schlepp lugging #@%$&&^! Lampshade Lady.

Oh and so nice to see you here with all the baked goods out and coffee/tea ~ hostess with the mostess fo sho! Be back later…

Comment by lampshadelady

Oh! My bad! Meant GG but typed only one G and so Aaaaah! See? Clumsy fo sho! FO SHO!

OH! Woe is me!

Yeah, bohemians can get all Shakesperean like that!

Oooh! Your man’s birthday? I would flub that up for mine fo sho! Just breathe and eyes wide open as you walk wih care! I can see it now, bug eyed and snail paced! Can we say sexay? Ow! ;-P

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Happy Birthday, Scissors!!

2 x G
GG xox

Comment by good girl

To steal from a favorite movie, Serenity, “I am a leaf that floats gently upon the wind.”

Damn it! I am that leaf!! You can’t make me not be that leaf!… I fell in the rain? Really? I know I got my ass handed to me by a door on the train. Err, ahh, hmm…I’m a swan! Damn it, a swan!!

I have 2 hours of sleep in me. It wasn’t even excessively hot last night, just a humble 19C, but it would NOT cool down. I slept on the couch. It FEELS like a slept on the couch. And now I’m off to the farmer’s market with my sister-in-law because, damn it, I want fresh pita bread.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

ah… well where shall i start? you already know of my stage and/or top slippages… i could regale you with tales of accidentally ironing my chest as i tried to smooth out the wrinkles of a blouse while i was wearing it…

in my youth i was once dashing through the airport, because i was late for a flight (no shock there), and, since i was meeting a guy at the other end of that flight, i was wearing a sun dress and high heels. unfortunatly, in my haste, i tripped on the escalator a few steps from the bottom… causing me to fly off the escalator, land on my hands and knees, dumping out the contents of my purse. oh, i still made the flight, but let’s just say i made less than a dramatic/picture perfect/charming exit off the plane. dirty/scraped hands and knees, broken strap on the shoe, tear in the dress. not pretty. and i lost my favorite lipstick, to boot. sigh. good times.

i have more… perhaps i’ll share later. FABULOUS Saturday post Miz B!! YOU? worried about NOT having something worthwhile to say?? Sacrilege! xoxox

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Scissorhands!! XOXOX

Comment by snuppy

oh goodness, this is a day in my life. i own no shirt that does not have a giant stain right on the boobs, if i set the hose down it triggers the nozzle and i get squirted in the face, i step in the dogs water dish, drop things in the toilet, leave spoons in the cuisinart, had to buy multiple sets of the same glasses because everytime i unpacked them i broke one. you do not even want to know what it was like when i was smoking. yes, me, and open flame. frightening, isn’t it?

Comment by FirstNations

I believe that every t-shirt/sweatshrit I own has food stains on the front. We typically eat dinner in the family room, watching TV (yes, yes I know…we should have a family dinner at the table but why change now?)and a portion of it always ends up on my shirt.

Also have to share a joint BoBo/Snuppy experience. A number of years ago we were having dinner with friends in San Diego and Snuppy was in the process of giving me a portion of her entree so I could taste it. Somewhere during the transfer said entree (with lots of gravy on it as I recall) slipped off her fork and landed square in my lap…did I mention I was wearing very light khaki pants?

Comment by BoBo

not gravy, Bobo… barbeque sauce! and it was a mess! (that speaks to MY clumsiness, tho’, right? sigh) remember how i dumped a whole glass on water on the table the first time we had dinner with your boss in Miami? (yes, i know how to impress) xoxo

Comment by snuppy

I can certainly declare to feel at home with all you fellow clutzes now! I threw up at the very entrance of a supermarket I got a job at as a cashier when 19, on my very first day there, almost at the foot of a customer… and I miraculously did not get fired!

Once when skiing with my fave cousin A back when I was 12 and she was 8, we got down from the tallest peak of the Sierra Nevada mountain range in Granada and she said something funny and I well, I could not contain my laughter, practically peed on myself while skiing at god knows what speed and since I could not cross my legs to prevent said leakage I lost control of my legs from laughing which opened up almost into the splits as I fell flat on my face in the snow, laughing, choking on snow and freshly wet in the pants! Sizzlin’!

I am seriously beginning to wonder what that Loverboy sees in me! Weird man that he is! 😉

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

i was once skiing with my best friend, and we were acting like hot dogs coming down an especially difficult run, when i caught an edge and slid down the last portion of the hill on my ass. which was *right* in front of the lodge. did i mention i was wearing a newish pair of jeans at the time? can anyone say “long blue streak in the snow”? (it was embarrassing. but hilarious… which is why my friend and i sat in the blue snow and laughed hysterically while everyone sitting out on the deck of the lodge laughed at us!) xox

Comment by snuppy

When I was 7, which is when I first learned to ski, our teacher Caesar let us (I was with my brother and stepbrother) go down the mountain on our own. I had been too lazy to learn how to stop so I decided to crash into a group of people to stop. At a soaring speed, I did just that and for the first time in my life heard the F-word as I had crashed into a group of British people who yelled at me “Fuck you little girl!”… so from then on I would just plop myself sideways unto the snow to stop.

Then when I was 12, the first couple of days my mom got us a teacher as I hadn’t skied since I was 7. He was totally hot and wanting to impress him I bragged that I had not fallen once that day just as we made it down the tallest peak for the first time since taking classes with him and as soon as I said that, while standing and not skiing, my feet, god knows how, gave way from under me as I fell down in the clutziest way possible, sprawled awkwardly at the feet of said HOT instructor! *sigh*

And you should have seen how Cousin A and I were dressed to begin with! How that hottie didn’t have a fit of laughter lord only knows! We were decked in super thick ski clothes from toe to neck and on the head we had those ski masks were only the eyes are exposed, ear muffs and huge ski goggles and with me there were huge tufts of frizzy haird sticking out from under the ski mask!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

By the way dear and oh-so-funny-cause-you-have-me-laughing-my-head-off Snuppy… what does acting like hot dogs entail?

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

yeah… after i read my last comment, i realized it looked/sounded odd. i should have said we were “hot dogging” it down the hill. you know, “schuss schuss here, schuss schuss there”… fly off the moguls, zig and zag… that kind of show-boating stuff. which was pretty funny, in and of itself, because we really weren’t that good! (loved YOUR story, too!!) xoxo

Comment by snuppy

weeeell, let me confess that the reason there are no pictures on my site to speak of is because I simply can’t do it to the world. I am too beautiful and poised to gaze upon, and so I prefer to be an abstract citruslike entity in people’s minds to save the pain of their self-loathing….

yeah. that’s right (cough…scratches butt and picks nose…)

Comment by Big Red Joy

Elegant?
Chic?
Graceful??
HA!
Let us begin with ancient history…
Logo, the skinniest kid in the kindergarten class is chosen to play Jack Spratt’s wife in the Mother Goose Presents a school play type production, wearing a long dress stuffed full of tissue paper so as to resembles a full figured 5 year old, she fell, repeatedly, smooshing the tissue paper resulting in a lopsided Mrs. Sprat.

Scene 2~ Logo, who is learning to ski, stops under the ski lift after showing off to some friends on their way up and does a beauty queen wave, which somehow knocks her on her ass, she then slides a good 50 yards down the slope leaving one ski behind.

Scene 3~ Logo has a tasty treat of a man in her car, she must stop to refuel, he offers to pump the gas but she insists on doing it herself (why, why dear god, why???) In heels, hose and a dress she fills the tank then, after achieving a perfect distance for viewing, she trips over a hose and skids along the pavement as though sliding into home.

I could go on, but I think we all know it not gonna get any prettier.

Comment by Ariella and logo™

Oh we’re discussing skiing?

My mom taught Bro & I to ski sans pole at Paskapoo (now Canada Olympic Park – that’s right we got a ski hill in the city…we’re cool) there were no mishaps…there.

Then we moved onto Evergreen. I’m in the chair with mom and I look down when Bro yells up at us. All off a sudden…kablam! He skis right into the bails of hay surrounding the chair lift poles. Another time Bro is in the chair before me, acting like a pissant when…oops. His ski falls off. Me: laughing like an idiot. Bro watches as his ski shoops down the mountain without him. Then he has to ski down on one ski. Very elegant.

One year for my birthday my two lifelong friends and I went to Evergreen. We happily followed A, unknowing into new territory. S & I are shooping. Very saucily until…blam! Down goes S. Blam! down goes me. We looked and discovered A, who had already shooped her way down, had taken us onto the moguls. S & I had never skiied on moguls before. There was much falling, much cursing and A goes shooping past us. Again.

I stand there looking down at the bump ridden ride and then at S. Eventually, I mutter “Fuck it” point my skiis down and tuck. I’m not exactly sure when I discovered I could (a) fly (b) flip in the air wearing skis. But it is possible. I lay on the hill, snow melting into my hair as I stare up at the sky. All of a sudden. Ka-blam. I’m flattened as S followed me, hit the same bump, performed the same aerial somersault and landed…on me. Once we discovered we were dead, we slowly got to our feet and, “Damn you A!” we yelled – with a good echo too I might add. We avoided that hill the next run down.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Don’t make me laugh! I have needles in my face and it hurts when I laugh!!! I also have needles in my ears (bad sinus congestion you see and yeah, this is how we don things in the land o’ bohemia!)…

Yeah, the ski dropping thing? Happened to me from one of those tele ski seats, or whatever they are called.

Then they have these things that you lightly lean on, T-shaped, that you put behind your butt as it slides you up the hill. Well, I fell off it and my damn ski got stuck as I was dragged halfway up the damn mountain and they had to stop the entire thing, meaning that the entire machine that went down the entire mountain range came to a complete stop while I had trouble setting myself free and once I did, clumsily got away while an entire mountain range of angry people stared at me…

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Well, this CYM is signing off for now as it is almost midnight here!

Snuppy, we are finishing the third episode of Dead Like Me and I love it! yes, it is lighter now (although had it stayed as heavy I would have still loved it), the actingm show, concept, all brilliant and yes, I DO love the name Callum Blue!

Good night to all!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Night CYM! Glad you’re loving “Dead Like Me.” We’re still upset by its cancellation.

Comment by BoBo

Okay CYM – eyes wide open, strut (shouldn’t they be more bedroom eyeish), where’s my NBFF on this? Well, let’s see how I do.

Night all.

Comment by lampshadelady




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