Central Snark


Snarketh Continueth? by Snuppy
Saturday, 29 July 2006, 8:34am
Filed under: cracks us up

**AT the risk of seeming like churlish fen-sucking pigeon eggs, we thought we’d just keep this thread going for one more day. Please don’t be distraught and/or act like impertinent rough hewn boar-pigs, we don’t care if you’re not in the mood for a little more “Shakespeak”. Helleth no! Talk about anything your little hearts’ desire. Remember, ’tis not for us to judge, but only to get out of writing another post.

If you spend word for word with me, I shall make your wit bankrupt.” ~ The Two Gentlemen of Verona

~   *   ~   *   ~

LOOKING for something snappy/snipey and/or snarky to say in your next comment on a blog and/or criticism of a co-worker? Look no further, Snarklings, for verily we say unto you, anything and everything you may wanteth to sayeth hath been said far better than you could ever sayeth it. Huh-eth? Say you? Verily, say we (again), SHAKESPEARE SNARKETH*… and the Barb doeseth (dideth?) so with er… uh… beauteous verve, raunch, and styleth.

Those of you who doubteth are little more than artless ill-breeding clotpoles and/or saucy pottle-deep gudgeons. So, you know, goeth and gathereth thy verbal shyt to fling, and together we shall lay verbal waste to any and/or all crusty botches of nature!

*Shakespearean Insults ~ each click yields a new snarky zinger.

 ~ snuppy 

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45 Comments so far
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How now, wool-sack, what mutter you?

Taken from: Henry IV, part I

Love it!

Comment by BoBo

“Your bedded hair, like life in excrements, start up and stand on end!” Hamlet

Adrian: I haveth a nice greeting for your 2:oo 🙂

Comment by lampshadelady

[Thou art] a fusty nut with no kernel!

Were I to say this to a man, I’m sure there’s a connotation somewhere.

Say, today’s homework was easy enough. I’m so pleased!!

Morning Snarkers. G-String GG stays in on a weekend night. You mayeth, later this night, worshipeth at the blue moon and wave hello to the cow that jumpeth over. Let’s not forget too a merryeth hello to pigs that flyeth across the universe.

Of all weekend nights mother doesn’t call to check on me, she chooses this one when I am home. She’s got eyes, I say. Eyes.

GG xo

Comment by good girl

O lilliterate loiterer!
Taken from: The Two Gentlemen of Verona

Morning everyone! The comment insulter is great – especially if the insult-ee knows what your saying.

Hope you all have a good day!

Comment by cj

i don’t know about that CJ, it might be more fun if they don’t know what you’re saying. i’m waiting for the day i see the guy that pissed me off at the gas station (in a Porche), again. the guy who made faces at me and kept telling me to back up my car, because it was pushing too much “air” up on his bumper (he was a total asshole), anyway, NEXT time, i’m gonna tell him:

“You shall stifle in your own report,
and smell of calumny.” (Measure for Measure)

or, as i remind him that i am nowhere *near* his stupid car, i’ll say:

Who do you think you are, “Thou clay-brained guts, thou knotty-pated fool, thou whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch!” oh, and what’s a whoreson like you doing with such a fine car like this in the first place? did i mention you smell of calumny?

seriously, a “whoreson obscene greasy tallow-catch” is a great line. i intend to use it soon…and often. xox

Comment by snuppy

…not endorsing you confronting anyone, mind you…sassy Snupster that you are…but, how about this one:

Go, prick thy face, and over-red thy fear,
Thou lily-liver’d boy.

Taken from: Macbeth

Comment by BoBo

ah…any excuse to call someone lily-liver’d! (i could have used that one on the mailman that day… eh?) xox

Comment by snuppy

“Thou crusty botch of nature!” – from Troillus and Cressida (y’know…my light Friday reading)

I’m not entirely sure what a botch is…hang on…

According to my handy dandy widget dictionary in late Middle English it was “(in the sense of [repair] but originally not implying clumsiness)” Um…phenh? Ooooh. “She botched that job well and truly good.”

Translation: I am an outspoken (I opted for this defintion instead of crispy or outer layer…it made more sense then being toast) fuck up mess of life.

My grade 12 english teacher would be so pleased I finally translated Shakespeare without a blank look on my face.

Damn does the Shakespeare Insulter know me or what? I sure as hell feel like a fuck up mess today. Is it 4 pm yet? Me need some nephew lovin’.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Snuppy! I was going to say the same thing to cj then I just didn’t. Yes lilly-liver’d Mr. Porsche!

I too do not endorse the confrontation, but sometimes an arrogant SOB well, just rips it out of you.

Comment by g

g: word. (or, is that “words”?) just once i’d love to lay a “Thou clouted rude-growing flap-dragon!” on some annoying porche-driving asshole. and i will. oh yes… i will. (tho’ i’m not one for confrontations, either!)xox

LPB: to “botch” something is to fuck mess it up. a “botch of nature” then would be a “mistake of nature”. and crusty? well… toasty and/or scabby comes to mind. all this to say… YOU are most certainly NOT a “crusty botch of nature”!! (if, in fact, that’s what you were alluding to…) xox

Comment by snuppy

*sigh* I actually do well in confrontation but it tends to happen when they step over the line and then I let loose and make sure I win! Bwahahahahaaaa!

I need to find a virgin and give her a few choice words…

Your virginity breeds mites, much like a cheese.
Taken from: All’s Well That Ends Well

Anyone? Helloooo? Any virgins here?

Ha, ha, haaaa! Well a bohemian had to give it a shot you know! Fo sho!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Snuppy: 🙂 I still like a disaster today so disaster I shall be. Thou cannot changeth my mindth, fair maiden.

I’m bored. Clicked again. “Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels.” Henry IV part 2. Jenna’s translation: “Piss off.”

Damn. I LIKE this one. I’m going to say it to the twit at work on Monday. Cliiiicking again.

“Were I like thee I’d throw away myself.” Timon of Athens. Jenna’s translation: “Sucks to be you!” Sweet!

Man alive. Shakespeare is the MAN.

I could have fun like this all day but I must do some laundry because showing up for babysitting detail in my nightshirt isn’t cool. Oh. Um. Wait. Yes, of course I’m dressed at 1:45 in the afternoon. *cough, looks around innocently* What?

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Those were the days Jenna…I’m sure it’s a nice nightshirt.

Comment by lampshadelady

is it a nightshirt? or a dreeeeeessss?? (or something like that!) and, jenna, if anyone mocks you, just tell ’em they’re a “bootless knotty-pated coxcomb!” that’ll fix ’em. or cause ’em to reach for the dictionary to look up coxcomb. either way, you win!! xox

Comment by snuppy

It’s an awesome nightshirt, ladies. Says “Underneath it all…I’m pretty much naked.” If you’re not distracted by the HUGE HONKING ZIT on my chin. For crying out loud!!

Very comfy. But I gotta go in an hour and I’m STILL not dressed. Sigh. Off to prep and pick a movie to watch when my little guy goes to bed.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Oooweee! I do loveth me them nightshirts for sureth! Maketh great fodder for a fab script! Hmmm…

Woman: Oh Lover, kisseth me now!

Man: Oh but lady, thou stinketh! I cannot approacheth such a foul smelling creature as thee!

Woman: Oooh! Thou loathed issue of thy father’s loins!

And you knoweth what? The Oooh! was all mine! It sizzleth!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Oh wait! I forgot to include the nightshirt in it all! Dammiteth all to hell!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

OK! Gotta include the nightshirt sooo…

Woman: Oh Lover! Danceth the dance electric with my divine self!

Man: But, thou art not decent!

Woman: ‘Tis a nightshirt meant for thee! Leteth loose at me and feasteth on me, I beseech thee!

Man: Why thou bawdy clay-brained harpy! Get thee dressed before I bitch slappeth thee!

Yep, the why and the Get thee dressed before I bitch slappeth thee! are all mine! Who kneweth?

YEAH BABY YEAH I SHAKETH THAT GROOVE THANG FO SHO-ETH! Um, yeah?

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

I sayeth Lady MacYummy ~ Loveth the Dialogue you haveth provided. Particularly the “bitch slappeth” – I laugheth by myself.

And Snuppy ~ As I looked back on Joel’s suggestion I laughed and could only imagine that Porscheth Arsehole! I say memorize (just in case).

LBP ~ Happy Babysitting – What movie?

I think I shall chilleth out this evening and watcheth a movie myself well, not alone or perhaps, depends if there’s any takers. Well I know there’d be takers, perhapseth not for the movieth though.

Adieu adieu I bid thee adieu…until the morrow after the morrow or after the coffee.

Comment by lampshadelady

Your bitch slappeth fair maiden entertainedth my Mothereth but then she doth gazed upon me and sayeth: “When, favorite childeth of mineth, did you geteth a lispeth.”

Upon which I doth declaimed: “For sake me not mothereth. “Tis but a nobleth thingth to doth in the parketh.”

Shaketh what your Mothereth gaveth you.

Adieu.

Adieu.

Parting is but sweet sorrow…eth.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

drath

I forgot.

k-kith, Yummy Mummy…k-kith.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

forsooth, thy truth is verily unto me. or is that, thee? don’t know. but it’s hardeth to stopeth the lispeth once one hath starteth. oyeth.

and, tho’ parting is such sweet sorroweth… we do have tomorroweth (a poetress? methinks i did not knowetress…) sleep well, and Snarketh not! (at least not until the aforementioned ‘morrow!) xox

Comment by snuppy

by the wayeth, CYM? that was truly inspiredeth… i laughethed long and hardeth! and i snorteth milketh out of my fair nostril, LBP, whilst reading thy offerings and/or retorts to thine own mother, from whose womb thee did once springeth forth. eth. ish. (had she heard thee, would her response be thus: “Thou mammering fen-sucked malcontent!”?? ’tis a boggling question to pondereth) xoxo

and LL: thy quips escaped me noteth… “after the morrow or after the coffee”? hilariouth. xoxo

Comment by snuppy

I sprunguth from the cabbage patcheth, snupputh.

I shall speak with y’all anon.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

I YAYeth the decision! Fo Sho-eth! WAHOOOO!

Draw thy tool. My naked weapon is out.

*I GASPETH*

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

CYM: (good morning, by the way!) now what are the odds that you would get such a quote? that, too, is hilariouth, or is that too hilariouth? or hilariousish? whatever… it was funny. and i laughed. eth. i have to stop visiting that site, tho’, because every one of those insults cracketh me up to the point i shall be pribbling in my knickers. i’m not sure what that means, but i’m guessing it’ll be messy, not to mention uncomfortable! uncouth? moi? forsooth, i fear ’tis so! xoxox

Comment by snuppy

Good morning to thee fair Maiden Snuppy of the delighftul Toes!

I clickedeth on the poetry link and goteth this:

Miz BoheMia

that feeds on turbulent emotions in stillness of air

Reality is a staircase leading nowhere.

and might I say you have a nice pair.

I blusheth! It sure beatseth what Shakespeare thinketh of me!

[Thine] sole name blisters our tongues.

Shakespeare! Fucketh you to HELL! (Pardoneth my French!)

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

And I thank thee, Snuppy, for thine sweet-as-nectar utterings! They be music to my weary ears, if ears mayeth weary be!

Here’s a little story, with our beloved characters, Man and Woman…

Man: Your virginity, your old virginity is like one of our French wither’d pears: it looks ill, it eats drily.

Woman: How dareth thee utter such heinous words to one who loves thee so! Feasteth on me say I! I shall proveth thee wrong!

Man: Peace, ye fat guts! We leaketh in your chimney! I shall live to knock thy brains out.

Woman: OH NO you din’t Biatch! Who you callin’ fat fucka? Ain’t no chimney leaking happenin’ fo yo sorry ass das fo sho!

Forgiveth me but Shakespeare’s words taketh a life all their own!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

CYMeth…I gaspeth too. Who dost have this naked weapon? More importantly…where I can I get my hands upon this tool.

Feasteth your hearteth out, Shakespeare. ’tis CYM come to slay you with her own kick asseth Shakespearean prose.

Chimney leaketh? Gasp! Shall we plug it with somethingeth?

Off to clicketh again and again and again.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Gaspeth!!

Your face is as a book, where men may read strange matters. Who doth this person from Macbeth say my face is a book? My book is my book where men may read strange matters. Strange, lickaliciouseth matters.

But hark Thou puking rude-growing hugger-mugger! (sweet), thou lumpish earth-fexing flax-wench! (sweet!) my words doth make me money (not mucheth) so take back thy fowl curse upon my words ‘ere I kicketh your asseth. And if my face doth show what is written within mine pages…well then…shazaameth!!

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Oh Ladee Jenna thou art brilliant and I ha, ha, haaaaeth away! I am but a merry fool and I have thee to thanketh!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

i laugheth and laugheth and laugheth at the two of you! (perhaps we shouldeth be saving these to useth on WA so we can all soundeth smart — not that you two don’t already sound smart, for verily, you do!) still… too bad others are missingeth outeth todayeth.

and on that noteth… i goeth out to walketh with mine liege (or he with me?) and, CYM… an email thee hath requested hath been sent (tho’ i fear it may bore thee to tears and/or scare thee away… but we shall see!) adieu, lovely ones… i fly, not unlike a wench that “hath been mark’d for hot vengence and the rod from heaven”. (Henry IV, part I). xox

Comment by snuppy

oooh…and CYM: i so enjoyed your stalkings today! (i haven’t respondedeth yet… but i shall. tho’ not ’til after the aforementioned walketh in the hellish heat of the day. yeth… i’m going. ta-ta-eth! xoxo

Comment by snuppy

the more I thinketh upon iteth. The more I realizeth…Shakespeare was a perveth.

“Rod from heaven” *swoon*
“Leaketh in the chimney”
“Naked weapons”

*swooneth* indeed. Methinks I doth should’ve paid more attentioneth in English Classeth instead of gazing upon the fine fine form of Hottie Mike-eth. Oh well-eth. Too lateth noweth. For those days hast past me by and there be nothing this wench can do but clicketh and clicketh again.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

LBP at the Bar (noteth LBP was NOT at the Bar last eve she was dealingeth with a crankyeth toddler who doth hateth the heateth mucheth but she is a writer of wicked bawdy tales so…dealeth with iteth. She has much needeth of a drinketh or twoeth.)

Him: “Tak you me for a sponge?”

LBP: “Of course, thou unmuzzled fen-sucked barnacle! Thou has spilled booze upon this sexeth frock. Dost thou know how much dry cleaningeth is, thou mewling reeling-ripe blind-worm?

Him: Thou will fall backward when thou hast more wit.

LBP: I shall live to knock they brains out. But it shant take long, they lecherous bastard, for thy has but one drop of brains in thy entire noggin. And I’ll fall backwards when thou art the best o’ th’ cut-throats. Until then, knave, sod off.

Him: “Why dost thou converse with that trunk of humours, that bolting-hutch of beastliness, that swollen parcel of dropsies, that huge bombard of sack, that stuffed cloak-bag of guts, that roasted Manningtree ox with pudding in his belly, that reverend vice, that grey Iniquity, that father ruffian, that vanity in years?”

LBP: “Huh? Are you on drugs?”

Him: “Go, ye giddy goose!”

LBP: “Oh I’ll show you my tail feathers, thou rank weather-bitten canker-blossom!”

Him: “What, you egg! Young fry of treachery!”

LBP: “Aw. You called me young!”

Him: “Nay. I called you EGG!”

LBP: “Egg? What kind of name is “Egg”? Come, you are a tedious fool. To the purpose. Now will you stop talking and get naked?”

Him: “Thou warped base-court baggage!”

LBP: “Thou so didn’t just call my ass fateth, did thou? Don’t you know who I am?” (biatch slapeth him and sashays away.) “Men.”

The Endeth

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Oooh! Fat callingeth and bitch slapping (eth?) moments seemeth to be a Piscean them fo shoeth! It sizzleth! I YEAHeth IT! The saga between Man and Woman continueth!

Woman: Thou misbegotten doghearted foot-licker! What hast thee been telling thine mother of me, thine nymphoish, naked-weapon adoring fair maiden? WHAT, eth?

Man: Wherein [art thou] good, but to taste sack and drink it? Wherein neat and cleanly, but to carve a capon and eat it? Wherein cunning, but in craft? Wherein crafty but in villainy? Wherein villainous, but in all things? Wherein worthy but in nothing?

Woman: Huh-eth? If ’tis bad, then Rogue, thou hast liv’d too long.

Man: Do you set down your name in the scroll of youth, that are written down old with all the characters of age? Have you not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will you yet call yourself young?

Woman: What the fucketh? To fat thou addst OLD? Most shallow man! Thou worms-meat in respect of a good piece of flesh indeed! And this fine piece of ass doth walk away from thee! FO SHOETH MO FO!

Man: [I] breathe defiance to [thine] ears.

Woman: Thou art a disease that must be cut away…

Woman takes out scissors. Curtain drops! K-POW ON THE BOHEMIAN’S KNOCKOUT MASTERPIECE!

LBP, me thinketh we verily do a Hollywood script-writing career awaiting our Piscean sashaying derrieres fo shoeth! Me also thinketh that Shakespeare fellow to have been verily a lover of naked, protruding weapons for his utterings on all things vaginal and virginal are worthy of crotch-kicking-Ladee wrath! I K-KISHeth thee yummy-hatin’ dissembling fly-bitten flap-dragon of a BARD!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

And most beloved Snuppy, I lovedeth thine divine, DIVINE email and inform thee that a morose bohemian email awaits thee! The stalking (Phew on your liking it!) continueth! It be-eth funkified!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Yo-eth, CYM, thou hast only to gaze upon Shakespeare haireth to realize the man doth had many problemseth. Perhaps that’s why he were a lover of naked protruding weapons – to distracteth from that haireth. Fo’ shame, Sir Shakespeare. Fo’ shame.

Comment by Little Blue Pill

“[You] live in the rank sweat of an enseamed bed,
Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love ove the nasty sty!”

Hm…how doth this websiteth known mine self so welleth. I be “Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love” sweet, sweet words. Now….where-eth thy maneth to jon me in my “rank sweat of an enseamed bed”.

Err…what the heck is an “enseamed bed”?

Anywhoeth…sizzleth. “Stew’d in corruption, honeying and making love.” Hark for that is the truth. Ere I be the Little Blue Pill for a reason, hm? Shazaameth!!

Comment by Little Blue Pill

I like this one…

Thou] rump-fed ronyon!

Taken from: Macbeth

Comment by BoBo

[Thou art] already dead. stabbed with a white wench’s black eye, run through the ear with a love song, the very pin of [thy] heart cleft with the blind bow-boy’s butt shaft.

Taken from: Romeo and Juliet

This one seems pretty rude! We like it. That’s fun alrighty!

Comment by schnoodlepooh

The “blind bow-boy’s butt shaft”???

Wow. Romantic. I shed a tear, maybe two, as I slowly backed away from the blind bow-boy’s butt shaft because some scenes…a girl just doesn’t want to walk in on. That’s a very private moment. Very. Private.

*LBP quietly shuts the door and begins to giggle* “Y’all would never believe what the blind bow-boy is UP to!!”

Comment by Little Blue Pill

that was a pretty dark passage, there, Schnoodlepooh… (something to call that asshole/former realtor of yours, right?) xox

LBP: you and CYM made it SO worth keeping this post up an extra day! hopefully there’s some fodder in there somewhere and/or inspiration for a future writing? (perhaps you can impresseth the “taskmaster” with some of this shyt??)

hope you all have a lovely evening… and LBP, try not to keep the blind bow-boy up too late (if you catch my drift, and i’m guessing you do)!! xox

Comment by snuppy

Belated Applause to the Catty Yummy Mummy and the Little Blue Pill

Comment by Walela

[…] FORTUNATELY, once we  were able to focus long enough to plug in the laptop (which we don’t mind using, but gee those keys are small and difficult to use when our fingers, being connected to the rest of our tired bodies, are not moving as well as they might on any other given day. but we digress) we flashed on an extremely fun post we did a couple of months ago, when just about everyone ELSE was on vacvacation.  Something we called simply:  SNARKETH . We’re linking to the page containing the post AND the comments, because a certain BOHEMIAN & WENCH had us in absolute stitches that weekend, as they competed with each other to come up with the best Shakespearean Snarkspeak. Seriously, we split a gut reading their various offerings throughout the day, and we’re quite sure you’ll enjoy ‘em too.  Of course, if you, like us, are tired, or simply too lazy to do thatright now, or you simply prefer to come up with your own tasteth zinger, you can start by going HERE. But be forewarned! This is not only fun, it’s addictive. And this blog can’t be responsible for any ensuing lisps that develop because of it’s overuse. With that in mind, let the insults begin all ye ”fusty beef-witted measles”. […]

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