Central Snark

Saturday, 19 August 2006, 4:15am
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps

In this world of conflict, of harsh, stark realities where our differences are literally deadly, I say we focus on what brings us together, on that one common element that serves as a base element that reduces our differences, our self-imposed boundaries and all conflict-inducing agents to dust!

Yes, we come in all shapes and sizes, tall and small, round and flat, dark and light… we crave and desire opposing things, wealth/piety, sweet/sour, an extravagant life/a humble life, noise/quiet, small tits/big tits… you get my drift…

But what is the tie that binds I ask? WHAT?

Ah Snarksters! No worries and what’s more, no need to think on this here fine Saturday I tell you for I, wise bohemian that I am, have that answer for you… Ready?


Well, not the big K-POW of realization and enlightenment that I had hoped for, COME ON PEOPLE DON’T LOOK SO DAMN GLUM, because there is more… yes, this ain’t called the Saturday Confessional (stuff it! I ain’t religious so I am not gonna get the day right so pfffft!) for nothin’!

Yes, you heard right, ’tis time to fess up! What ties you in to the human race and proves to us, that Man! That dude/dudette is stoooooopid! Huh? WHAT I ASK?

What? Me say something? Hmmm….

Well, my grandma once told me that if I broke a branch on a tree I loved climbing I would be banned from the tree. That day I broke the biggest branch and in a panic, rushed over to the vacationing neighbor’s yard and dumped the evidence right there, for no one to see… LYING BOHEMIAN!

I have been known to steal a thing or two… ahem, ahem… *hangs head in shame*… STEALING BOHEMIAN!

As a kid I thought it best that my duckling go for a swim in the dead of winter so I flung her into the pool, almost killing her as she quacked away for dear life until my mother came to the duckling’s rescue… STUPID AND MURDEROUS BOHEMIAN!

As a new mother, I miscalculated the distance of the bedroom door from our loftbed and as I stared at my sweet newborn, BAM went her sweet little head against the bed…FUCKING-PIECE-OF-SHIT-CHILD-ABUSING-IDIOT-BITCH-MOTHAFUCKING-ASSHOLE-OF-A-PATHETIC-EXCUSE-OF-A-PERSON-NOT-EVEN-DESERVING-TO-BE-CALLED-A-PERSON-AND-LEAST-OF-ALL-A-MOTHER-GODAMMIT BOHEMIAN!

Well, you get the drift! Now come on and DISH I TELL YOU! DISH!

As for me, BoheMia out!


25 Comments so far
Leave a comment

It was a close race 🙂
An hour advantage makes a difference:)
how many hours are there in a day?
The first thing I stole (age 6-yes I started early!) was a little jar of cream. I have no excuse. I was young, we were really poor and hell, I wanted that jar! I still use this branch of cream and over the years have invested quote a bit of money in them, so no harm done I hope.
lying, almost every day! Am I too fat, Penguin? Doe sthis dress fit me well? …you know where I amgoing with this?!
I killed a couple of flies, spiders and once I blew air into the hind of a frog-don´t ask!
I was slapped a child, still think abou it whenever I see him, but he did deserve it!
there is more, but I feel I have to go to church now…10 Hail Marys???

Comment by teh Penguin

How fitting to find you here, first to comment oh dear European counterpart o’ mine!

I gave a full confession to all my stealing, wheeling and dealing here… Oy vey!

But I gotta, GOTTA ask you this… blowing air into a FROG’S ASS? What gives? DIOS MIO!!! In Denmark I used to wake up to find little, teeny frogs hopping about in our front yard and every once in a while I would pick one up and kiss it but alas, no prince! Just a yucky, wet feeling on the lips as the scared-out-of-his-mind frog hopped away!

10 Hail Mary’s? You asking me? Nah! Screw that! I say give that DANCE ELECTRIC your best shot and all shall be forgiven!


Nothing like a Penguin dancing, that’s FO SHO!

My dearest Snuppy, thank you for the sweet, sweet words in the thread below! I must admit to not being as brave as you make me out to be for I am a crying, shrieking freak, FREAK with ANY AND ALL insects ALWAYS! Snakes? No but insects? I mean, how brave is a grown woman who will drop everything and run, shrieking to the high heavens like a friggin’ hyena in heat (I don’t really know what hyenas in heat sound like but it just sounded funny dammit!) until I find cover or the said insect is gone, GONE!

Once, there was a spider on the stairs and no Loverboy in sight. Shrieking, yes like a hyena in heat, I grabbed a can of bugspray and sprayed the fucker so much that he shriveled up into a goopy mess, good and dead… I was then too grossed out and scared to clean that dead body off the floor so Loverboy had the task of doing so as soon as he got home but not without giving me a dirty look or two! *sigh*

I am a snake-lovin’, frog-kissin’, chicken shit bohemian cat! Dios mio!

And with that, good morning to all! Now let’s get the partay started! Fresh juice, cake, muffins, fruit, tortilla espanola and the like for everyone! And if you are extra nice and need an extra kick, yep, brownies available upon request but they are under lock and key and only through me, the Lamp Lady and Snuppy… ahem, ahem, it seems that a certain Penguin has been handing them out in threes, IN THREES, and well, a certain First Nations keeps passing out on us so we have moved to being a regulated urban park… permits required!

K-KISH! Whippin’ good baby! Now I will shut the fuck up before I tell someone to bend over! OH NO!

BoheMia out!

Comment by Miz BoheMia

Crap! Why do I always TALK SO MUCH?? AAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!! Ok, ok, I am GONE!

Comment by Miz BoheMia

great fodder for a conversation! i’m not a good liar. when i was a little girl (8 or 9) i told a tiny white lie once too often (“did you wash your face, Neva?” “yes….”) and my mother spent the better part of the next hour beating me. me! a quiet, shy, always-tried-to-please-everyone kind of a kid. my mother had always been capable of harsh words (let’s call it verbal abuse, shall we?) and had slapped me around from time to time, but never had she done somthing like that before.

when i look back, i realize my mother was having problems with alcohol, and my older sister was already starting to lie and sneak out of the house (she got pregnant at 16) and my mom was overwhelmed with her life. (my father was a test pilot and had died in a plane crash a couple of years earlier, and, while my mom remarried an amazing man, i think she was still having trouble coping). anyway, i know that’s why she overreacted at the time. but it didn’t help me then. xo

Comment by snuppy

on a lighter note:

i’ve told the occasional lie since those days… maybe the “worst” occured when we were working in Boston, and i was very busy when my phone rang and my assistant was away from her desk. i answered the phone and spoke with some woman named “Mona” and told her “Neva” was not available. well, it turned out Mona was very interesting and nice, and she and i had a really pleasant conversation. and at the end i told her i’d be happy to pass the information along to Neva, at which point she said “and what’s you’re name, in case i call again?” and, because i’m a terrible liar, i said the first name that popped into my head: “Mona”.

Comment by snuppy

My god Snuppy! It breaks my heart to hear that… I can definitely relate… though my mother was not an alcoholic she was/is a very lost soul who is probably stuck at the developmental age of 2, if that, and cannot control her emotions and lashes out…

She hit me on and off until I was 18 I think… and always in the fucking head…

Anyway, thank goodness that we are away from that now and in a better place! Unfortunately, my mother is stuck in the same muck and is all alone… my brother and sister are with her yes, but only because she buys their company so… empty times for them…

Believe it or not, my mother actually encouraged our stealing and even did it herself… can we say fucked up? I guess she thought it made her look cool to the teenaged crowd that were my brother’s friends… and she even bought my brother smut magazines that I went ballistic over finding in the house, giving him a lecture on the value of women and how debasing such things were… I made him cry and throw them out only to be called an asshole by my mom… good times!

Comment by Miz BoheMia

And I am talking really, REALLY nast stuff that a mother should just not give her 12-year-old son!

Comment by Miz BoheMia

hah! CYM… not so brave regarding all things after all? hee hee! Joel is the same way about spiders. we once went up to visit Terri and her hubby at their home in the foothills of the Sequoia National Park, and in the middle of the kitchen floor we noticed a tupperware bowl, which was turned over and clearly covering something. that “something” turned out to be a gigantic tarantula that had errantly wandered into her house. she didn’t want kill it and was trying to figure out how to get it out of her house. Joel refused to go in the hourse until he knew it was gone! (we slept in the guest house, which made him nervous, too… since he knew some fuzzy creature the size of his hand was lurking about.) not a fan of the spiders. oh, and don’t even get him started on snakes…

oh! and in Florida, there are these giant cockroaches, called Palmettos. they’re like small dogs, because they’ll follow you around. we kept our bug guy really busy when we lived down there! aieeee! creepy crawly critters are no friend of ours!!

thanks SO MUCH for the great and thoughtful post today! and i’m guessing teh Penguin has one on hold?? woo-hoo!!! you guys are awesome. AWESOME i tell you, AWESOME!! xoxo

Comment by snuppy

That is just too funny Snuppy!

I, and whether this is good or no, am quite the good liar… has gotten me out of a bind or two! After an uninspiring two weeks where I was supposed to have taken plenty of pictures for a photography assignment, I was inspired the very day before said assignment was due by a building I saw while driving by it. I stopped and climbed to the roof of the building by an access on the outside and it had quite a few “lines” and perspective (something my linear mind loves) and click, click went my camera.

As I walked to the car, a big, burly, black security guard stopped me and planned on confiscating my camera! He meant business but since it has been my experience that black guys liked me when they knew I was not American, I spoke English with a heavy, heavy Spanish accent (which is not my normal accent by any means but one of many I can conjure up) and acted the part of a scared little victim to appeal to his big-man-who-will-save-this-weak-chick ego… it worked! He was quite nice and asked me, Maria, quite a few personal questions before telling me to run and take off when he saw some other guards approaching! Ha, ha, haaaa! And phew! I made it to class on time and got my A!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

well, i think we’ve established the fact that your mom will never be nominated for Mother of the Year. my mom is much better now, she really is (she’s been sober quite a few years…) what’s funny is that she seems to have no recollection of her behavior, except once in awhile she’ll say something like “i know i was a terrible mom”, but i think that’s because she just wants us to say things like “oh no, you were great!”. once she tried to tell me how she dealt with our misbehavior (i’d put you girls in time out, but it was so hard, because you were so sweet) and i’d look at her and say “what the hell are you talking about? did you have more kids after we moved out, because that is SO not how you were!”

by the way, my mom was a kleptomaniac, she used to steal things like cans of tuna and pantyhose (i kid you not). but it was all about control for her… she was desperate for attention (from my dad) she finally started working with a therapist, which helped a great deal. i’ll take a stab at guessing that would not be the case with your mom.

oh, and porn for your bro’?? holy crap! seriously… HOLY CRAP! xoxo

Comment by snuppy

No, definitely not the case with my mom… I mean even now she encourages my sister, who is with her boyfriend, to look around for something better and to make dates behind his back to check out future prospects… growing up she used to always tell me that I should marry an old fucker so that when he died I would get his money! Ah! What lofty aspirations she had for me… sorry to disappoint Mama! Oh well…

I actually saw her yesterday! It so reminded me of you because in the car, on the way to this mall that is closer to her than it is to us (but that has a great supermarket with products we cannot find here and better sales which is why we went), I had a split second thought that I would see her there. I did, but I was far enough and busy enough with the kids to look like I hadn’t seen her and I focused solely on the kids and on the clothes I was looking at… she definitely saw me but said nothing and left… of course, Lil’ M saw her but she obviously has no interest in him so oh well! Idiot woman! Plus there is more that I will save for when we dish but mostly about how amazing Mama E is with her insight and what she had to say to me in an email over the fact that I get so drained when I talk to her or have to do anything involving her…

What the hell! Here is what I said…

then I had to call my mom to thank her for Sunday and after that uneventful phone call we were both (the hubby and I) soooo physically drained of our energy we barely made it through the day. It makes no sense to me! I mention it because if you have any ideas on this it is most welcome!

And she wrote back…

The key point for me was the opening sentence, “then I HAD to call my mom”…The “had to” energy to be calling her to thank her for your having a lousy time, and having to watch your child be hurt, and having that bring back that old emotion and the helplessness from your own childhood that it has to carry with it, just those body memories could cause a loss of energy. Now that Loverboy sees your POV, the fight energy that used to be there when you were not of the same opinion is no longer a ‘stimulus’, and just the exhaustion of having to put on a smiley face and box in your other emotions can be a challenge to anyone’s immune system. To me it doesn’t seem such a big deal, you were just simultaneously bummed out, you and Sean. A rarity and noticeable dilemma when it occurs for partners.

I suggest that if you “have to do” something like that again both before and after the “have to” event the two of you dance or jiggle around before the call, and when you get off the phone you shake yourselves out like wet dogs, and if it isn’t too hot or too inappropriate you chase each other (and the kids if they’re there) around the house. Instead of succumbing to the torpor shake it off!

What I am actually doing too is just getting away from the fucking “had to’s”… if that is what it feels like then I am not gonna do it… which is why I pretended I didn’t see her… easier that way!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Oh and Snuppy? I am sending you a one sentence email about… well… go read!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

snuppy: my mom was a klepto too! when i realized i was completely frightened; i thought the police would arrest us. lifelong, too. she’d been incarcerated for theft in New York when she was young. aaaaaaaanyway.

me? impatience.
i make excuses to get off the phone with my fil because the man dithers and digresses and can’t hear well, and he doesn’t know how to use his cell so he presses ‘talk’ every time, like a ‘walkie talkie’? and the phone cuts out and it makes me want to SCREAM. people who say goodbye 30 times on the way out the door and intersperse each time with an ‘oh by the way’ conversation with the door hanging open and the heat getting out make me BONZO. AND DO I ACT OUT? oh yes, buckwheat. stomping, eye rolling, huffing…not purdy.
but hey…life is short. don’t waste my time.
(SUCH a bitch.)

Comment by FirstNations

Hey all! Can’t stay long because I’ve put Julian in the bathtub to buy some time and he’s been there for a little while. Swimming around like a little fishie!
And some of you have seen Doug’s story – Tali just doesn’t appreciate the import of celebrity I say! We really enjoyed it.

Now on to confessing, Hey – I’m Jewish. No matter. I’ll “share” instead. Quickly. I have stolen things as a youth. I used to go to WT Grants’ Dept store in the little town I grew up in, along with my friend J and her little brother who was 10 years younger. And as I strolled the isles, I dropped nail polish and odd assorted earrings into the hood of his parka. Only to be removed once leaving the store. I am very ashamed of that yet oddly impressed at the balls of such an act. But mostly ashamed. Although not any more, as the shame goes to my parents who did not provide a household of normalcy. Snuppy, as I have shared, my father was an alcoholic and in recovery, the issues did not disappear.

Fast forward to the present day, no more stealing, my life of crime was cut short when I was – all future political aspiration are out the window with this one – “arrested” in the mall for shoplifting items with another girl. We had progressed to incense and black light paraphenalia. Of course, this crowd that I had gotten in with were from split homes and terrible backgrounds. Hey, they made us seem like the Cleavers, so I felt better about myself in comparison. Had to go with my parents before a judge and promise to sin no more and was cut loose. No more crime for me!

I hope you all don’t think worse of me (than you already do).

There was the time little J rolled off the bed when I went out of the room. That was not one of my stellar mothering moments. Ayyy, I still cringe at that one. Yet he landed oddly softly and barely cried. Made me feel even worse!

Okay, I think that’s enough “sharing” for me! I really am a fine upstanding honest citizen!

Comment by g

No worries dear G! This is a non-religious thing so ’tis simply to do with the word confess so you can safely partake in it! Bwahahahahaaaa! And you thought you could escape it!

Yeah, no shame here either as what’s done is done, I think it safe to say that I am on the right path now (that being a create-good-karma-and-foster-as-much-compassion one) and all that but the incident with my poor Lil’ B? Still makes me cringe!

OK… now for a real confession… Lil’ B was a very problematic sleeper and once asleep, you just did not, I repeat, DID NOT, touch the kid or else! So after a walk we arrived home with a sleeping Lil’ B. We left her asleep in her carseat and given the depth of her sleep and the fact that she had fallen asleep at the time where she usually took her nap, we decided to get frisky in the bedroom as she napped in the livingroom…

We were discreet and not too long (antsy new parents and all but I digress and ’tis a digression best not made in too much depth!) and went into the other room to discover that for some reason the damn baby monitor had shorted in the middle of… and there she was, crying her head off! It felt awful and I felt so damn selfish and just LOW! THAT one really hurts to this day! But not for too long… hey, the kid is fine and talking and dancing up a storm and has quite the lofty plan or two for her future!


Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Thank goodness that kids are so damn resiliant! Hey, I’ll be back because I need to provide a little direction it seems to my litte ones’ day.

Have a great one and see you all later…

Comment by g

hope everyone is having a nice day. it’s raining here but needed it.

bye for now… 🙂

Comment by canine karen

🙂 I told Erick I was 21 when we first met. I wasn’t… a few years later we met again by chance in Saint Paul at a party… funny enough I was 21 then too! 🙂

Comment by cj

from the “i was a terrible mother” files:

one day when my youngest was around 18 months old, i got caught up in a telephone conversation (imagine that?) when i suddenly realized i hadn’t seen my baby for awhile. i quickly got off the phone and raced around the house, only to finally locate my son splashing about in the toilet, and by “in the toilet”, i mean IN the toilet. i guess the seat had been left up by someone with a penis (my ex, not Joel, he’s much more considerate) and my son thought the potty looked like a kid-sized pool, so he climbed in. it was almost cute to see him with his arms dangling over the sides, happy as a little duck.

what’s that, you say? kids have been known to drown in toilets? do tell.

also, i accidentally smacked my oldest son in the face when he was about 4 days old. someone had given me the cutest baby nighty ever and, because i had forgotten to remove the tags beforehand, (and because i’m lazy), i yanked off the tag after i had put it on him, and my fist went into my son’s nose.

and remind me to tell you about the time i wiped his poor diaper-rashed bottom with bargain wipes that weren’t really intended for babies, which i might have noticed if i’d bothered to read what made them moist…which was, of course, rubbing alcohol. can anyone say “screaming infant”??

needless to say, i know a thing or two about guilt.

Comment by snuppy

The older ones always bare the brunt of our inexperience ay? I’m off to the “real” park with the kids. Have a great afternoon and talk to you all later. xox

You’re all wonderful parents (from what I can see) and I’m a pretty good judge of that.

“Let’s go before I get our the SOAP” she says to her children waiting for the park.

Comment by Lampshade Lady

Snuppy I am soo laughing my ass off… bad, bad me! Mostly because I can relate! And your stories brought to mind one that I had COMPLETELY forgotten and once I dish it will be apparent why…

Lil’ B could sit and crawl and we lived in a one bedroom apartment in SF then… so at such a young age she was quite independent, our place was totally babyproofed and I was doing some stuff in the bedroom while she hung out in the livingroom… I passed by and found her, diaper off, sitting and eating HER SHIT!

God I wanted to DIE! Yeah, she survived it and all but MY GOD!

And I have been dying to call you but the boy IS STILL UP so I am constantly running up and down! He is calling me still but I am drawing it out to see if that tires him out… SLEEP ALREADY DAMMIT!

Crap, off I go to see if he will sleep! I hope this is not a foreshadowing of what the night holds in store for us!

Have fun at the park LL! You are in good hands with your dragon-slaying Tali that’s FO SHO!

Besos to all and off I go to battle a monster scarier than fire-breathing dragons… my stubborn 3-year-old!

Hasta luego!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Well dear friends, thank you for a fun time but ’tis time for all bohemians to turn in! Off I go to bed!


Comment by Miz BoheMia

Me? Do something wrong? Pshaw! As IF!!

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Miz B! we were out off and on all freaking day! i can’t believe i missed you! i’ve said it before, and i’ll say it again… WA-A-A-A-A-H!! hopefully tommorw we’ll have more luck (it’s supposed to be rainy, i suspect we’ll stay in… except when we go out for our TGSNWMs) hope you had a lovely night… much love to you!! xoxo

LBP: would there be enough space here for you to “tell all”? doubtful. but that’s why we love you! (i still love your “superman jumping off the tall planter” story… i know you gave (give?) your mom fits!) we’ll wait for your “auntie takes care of the little one for a whole night” stories after you’ve done that!! xox

Comment by snuppy

My only folly was to one time do the right thing correctly.

Comment by Doug

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