Central Snark


Spam by Snuppy
Wednesday, 25 October 2006, 8:03am
Filed under: cracks us up

YESTERDAY we had a number of good laughs, after a bunch of comments found their way into Spam Jail. Fortunately, there were a few legitimate spammish items in there, as well, so at least we know the thing works. Anyway, we thought it might be a good idea to check the Snark e-mail bin while we were at it, because we’re terrible about such things, and only manage to do so about once a week. Good thing we did, too, because the following e-mail from a dying “childless couple” named Princess James, was among the 177 messages we found waiting for us when we finally looked:

USE IT FOR THE GOOD OF HUMANITY
Dear Sir/Ma,
This offer might be strange, but is the wish of a dying 62 years old woman who now realizes belatedly that there is more to life than mere acquisition of cash {money} and fame. My name is Princess Elizabeth James a widow. My late husband and I perhaps due to our aristocratic background and bad influences lived and never cared for nobody or whose ox was gored, our motto was be rich and famous and the world will be at our feet. I am diabetic and recently diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. The report is obviously not good, several chemotherapy treatments have not helped either and the obvious fact is that I have few days/weeks more on planet earth.
Being childless couple, I inherited all my husband wealth and our relations are no good, as they are waiting patiently for my death to use all our money for illicit and obscene business/things. Before my health deteriorated that I am completely dependant on them for basic necessities I have done charitable ventures within our neighbourhoods and beyond and this angered them as they wish to reap from where they did not sow.
Having come to the realizations of what life is all about-caring for others; I have given legal consent and full authority to my private attorney-Dr.David Van Dyke, who is presently in Holland {Netherlands} to guide you properly on the modalities for the payment/collection of this money from a PRIVATE Finance company based in Western Europe where i had to keep this money for safe keeping purposes. You will be expected to immediately disburse all the money to people/charitable homes within your neighbourhood or beyond or set up a foundation on your name.
This money-{US$12.5Million } should be used STRICTLY for humanitarian/charitable cause. Contact my private attorney immediately who will guide you on the modalities for the collection of this money. His e-mail address is davidvandyke88@bullshit.dum. Please quote my name and this reference number for ease of collection-pej/will/je/ws/12.5m/123555123 when reaching him by mail. I plead with you never to deviate from this agreement and I beg of you to pray that my soul rest in peace. You are BLESSED forever.
Thanks.
Princess Elizabeth James.

NB:-DO NOT REPLY ME AS I MAY NOT BE IN A POSITION TO RESPOND, I HAVE JUST BEEN REFERED TO A PRIVATE HOME FOR HERBAL MEDICINAL TREATMENT AS ALL OTHER FORMS OF TREATMENT HAS FAILED.YOU ARE THEREFORE REQUESTED TO CONTACT MY PRIVATE ATTORNEY ON THIS SUBJECT MATTER.HIS DETAILS ARE AS FOLLOWS:-

1. Name:-Dr.David Van Dyke.

2.Tel/Fax:–++123-555-5555{Holland-Netherlands}.Email:-davidvandyke88@bullshit.dum

GOLLY, isn’t this exciting? Imagine all the fun we can have performing humanitarian acts with that $12.5 million, once we manage to contact that attorney, Dr. David Van Dyke, and find out how to get our hands on it. We don’t know about you, but our heads are swimming with possibilities, even as we pray for the poor poor widow Princess James’ recovery and/or soul as she undergoes treatment in that “Herbal Medicinal Home”.

NATURALLY, as long as we were reading Spam and thinking about Spam and being amused and/or annoyed by Spam, we couldn’t help but wonder if we could locate a certain Monty Python classic sketch about, you guessed it, Spam. Would it surprise you to know we did? Do you mind if we show it to you in order to watch it again ourselves? Come to think of it, we don’t care if you do, ‘cuz we just remembered we’re coming into some serious cash {money} soon, which will enable us to buy a new set of more agreeable, Python-loving friends. Unless, of course, that falls into the category of “reaping from where we did not sow”, in which case, nevermind.

HOPEFULLY, everyone noticed the subtitles and/or stuck around long enough to watch the credit roll, especially since it was practically the best part. Ah, Spam. Such tasty — albeit questionable — meaty goodness. Except, of course, to those of us who absolutely cringe at the site of unwanted e-mails and/or are vegetarian.

~snuppy

Advertisements

65 Comments so far
Leave a comment

just so none of you try to get the jump on this windfall inheritance, the numbers and/or e-mail address have been changed. the names, however, were not. i’m sorry if this offends anyone, for i’m sure Princess James is a lovely 62 year old childless couple, but puh-lease… anyone who comes from an “…aristocratic background and bad influences lived and never cared for nobody or whose ox was gored,” deserves a little mockery, don’t you agree? xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Do you mind sending Mr. Van Dyke, esq. my social security number?

Comment by Walela

Walela: not at all… but that’s *Dr.* Van Dyke. (don’t make that mistake when you talk to him, you know how these people are when it comes to their hard earned titles.) xox snuppy

Comment by One Hot Puppy

So does this mean we have to share the loot with all the Snarksters? Hmmmm…maybe we should just dress up the Snark a bit and have a BBQ? Love Spam – the skit that is – not a huge fan of the meat by product treat.

Comment by BoBo

Bobo: nah… only a select few (the ones who are our *real* friends). oh, and leave it to you to call for a celebratory BBQ! altho’ i suppose we can always toss some salmon or shrimp on the barbie, too, right? ah the Spam Skit…vikings. music. musical vikings. John Cleese. what’s not to love?! xox

Comment by snuppy

Your Honorable Dr. Van Dyke:

I have come to claim the inheritance as I too should probably be smoking herbal medicinals. Although my ox has not been gored, I find that I often have an axe to grind so the inheritance will help keep me in fresh axes as I donate to charities of course.

Sincerely,

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Lampshade Lady

Yes Snuppy and Bobo – only a **select few** of course!

Spammity spam! Gotta love that one.

Comment by Lampshade Lady

Dear Princess Lampsha:

It is with great pleasure that I now respond to your well-crafted and not at all hilarious request to claim your inheritance from the soon-to-be-departed Princess James (who is currently resting comfortably in a bed of Herbal Medicinals, after responding well to a stringent treatment of the laying on of yams).

Being a childless couple myself, I know how much it means to Princess James to have found such a suitable ax-grinding non-ox-goring humanitarian/charitable individual such as yourselves to disburse the money {$12.5 million}. Those angry relations who wish to reap from where they did not sow will have to find another way to pursue their illicit and obscene business/things, as they have finally been thwarted here.

An e-mail will arrive shortly, containing all relation and pertinent information regarding the modalities required to complete this transaction. I know you will find the processing fee of $12,000 a reasonable price to pay for Princess James’ peace of mind.

With all due respect/things,

I remain yours very truly,

Dr. David Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dyke, esq.

🙂 You know Austin MN is just about 45 minutes south of me. They have the Hormel SPAM museum. Perhaps you all could come to visit me and we could go on the grand tour of the Spam museum. I think I have tshirt from there. Maybe THAT is what I’ll wear today. My SPAM shirt. Maybe mkae Thea a SPAM sandwich. EEK Maybe not. 🙂 I’ll just stick with the SPAM shirt.

Have a good day !

Comment by cj

Your Stoned Dr. David Van Dyke, esq.,

Surely you must be partaking of the herbal medicinals yourself. I am beginning to believe myself the victim of your spinning of, rather than laying on, a yarn.

I sent this in the utmost sincerity. A $12,000 fee seems well, if not criminal then perhaps usury.

Now see, I’ve had to use another of my axes!

I trust we can resolve this to everyone’s satisfaction, most of all mine.

Sinerely,

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Lampshade Lady

cj, Princess Lampsha is working on getting an inheritance. I am sure if she can, some of her charitable contributions can go towards sponsoring a trip for the Snark. Sort of a Fresh Air Fund contribution for us inner city youth. ~ G

Comment by Lampshade Lady

Gasp! A non-profit organization…is she nuts? Adopt me!!!!! I can put that kind of cash to good work AND I’d be a real live princess!!!

And we already know how well Princess Blue Pill sounds thanks to Doug.

For the record: More exhausting than an IM chat or juggling two…is an IM threesome! Goodness me!!! I’m such an IM tart…

Comment by Little Blue Pill

🙂 *LOL* Inner city eh? I won’t touch that whole youth thing. You know its just a matter of months until I hit the big 3-0. Regardless a field trip to MN would be wonderful for you all. Spam Museum, Worlds Largest Ball of Twine, Mall of America, and you can all help me get the dock in this weekend. 🙂 Sounds like fun eh?

Comment by cj

How do I love Monty Python? Let me count the ways . . . “In Spamalot!” :o) Love the credits and sub-titles. Maybe if Princess James had a little more laughter in her life she would not be so ill.

Comment by Angela

this isn’t so much life imitating art as it is life and art meeting and life having bad gas and dutch ovening art under his sweatshirt and then art punching life and life farting again and art getting disgusted and leaving while life just stands there and laughs uncontrollably and asks passing people to pull it’s finger.

CLEESE IS GOD.

i thank you.

Comment by FirstNations

My Dear Princess Lampsha:

You wound me to the core of my briefcase with your harsh words and groundful accusations.

$12,000 is but a pittance compared to the large and generous sum you are about to inherit. Less than 1%, to be exact. But we here in Holland {Netherlands} have a saying: “Don’t stick your finger into a hole unless there’s a dam around it”, which, of course, means nothing, but neither does my attempt to recoup a few of my losses. Have you any idea how costly those Herbal Medicinal Treatments are? Good drugs don’t come without cost, especially those intended to enhance charitable adventures. You will soon be so rich with cash {money} and fame and the world will fall at your feet. Surely you can see my plight.

Still, I am of interest and intentions run high in the home. Therefore I will lower my fee, and handle the processing costs out of my own worn pockets, which may — or may not — have holes in them. Did I mention I, too, am a childless couple? Nonetheless, far be it from me to hinder your ability to activate an account in order to start helping people/homes in your neighborhood. I will accept any reasonable offer over $3.50{American}.

I remain respectfully yours very truly/things,

Dr. David Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dyke, esq.

Dear Dick Van Dyke, esq.,

I am glad the herbal treatments seem to have worked kind sir and that your intentions aren’t the only things that run high through your home. I believe you are now in my ballpark of reason. Thus then, my final offer of the delivery of funds in unmarked bills at a local Star*bucks (as in US Bucks) by you to my purchase of a short Cafe Americano by me. No dutch treat there as don’t think I don’t know by the way where that term comes from. The notorious frugality of your people.

I am glad your frugality of mind seems to be letting the natural course of this transaction to proceed.

Best regards,

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Princess Lampsha

Being of Dutch {Netherlands} descent myself, I am affronted by your mockery Dr. David Van Dyke, esq., a well-known and respected attorney/doctor in my motherland. His name is not at all the result of a lazy attempt to make up a Dutch-sounding name using the only instantly recognizable Dutch surname most Americans recognize. Rather it is a very old and respected name in Holland {Netherlands} that means, literally, “from the dyke,” which is a roundabout way of saying that he had two mommies, if you catch my drift. I also find your mention of “notorious frugality” to be needlessly disparaging. There is no truth to this stereotype, nor to the common misconception that copper wire was invented by 2 Dutchment fighting over a penny.

The Right Honorable Dr. Diesel, Esq., DDS, PhD, Ret.

Comment by Diesel

Dear Mr. von Wiesel:

It is with regret that I inform you that you shall not be included on the Fresh Air Fund Trip to Minnesota as I can see we may have to spring for more than airfare with you along for the ride. I believe I learned that bit about the penny in grade school where they do not mislead children with faulty accounts of history.

But if you’d like, I’d treat you to a Cafe Americano when collecting the windfall for further charitable disbursement.

Kind regards,

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Princess Lampsha

cj: It’s your experience that makes me confident you would be able to handle this rowdy lot!

diesel: Don’t worry we don’t *buy* into any of these obnoxious stereotypes floating through The Snark today. I move to expunge that Princess Lampsha’s remarks from the thread!

Comment by Princess Lampsha

Pay no attention to that lamp behind the curtain, above comment was from me of course!!!

Comment by Lampshade Lady

I’ve enjoyed the stimulating interchange between the Doc and the Princess. Please, let them carry on. I find the sound of axes at the grinder quite soothing. Dr. Weasel is a bit rude though.

Comment by kyahgirl

oh, and I love Monty Python. When we were teenagers it was quite common for long conversations to go in high pitched screetchy Monty Python voices. We thought we were hilarious of course 🙂

Comment by kyahgirl

Kind Sir and Right Honorable Dr. Van Diesel, Esq., DDS, PhD, Ret.,

All deepest apologies for the slight, which, of course, was intentional and the result of a quick walk through the Princess James’ smoke-filled room. I am a fan of your great body of work, sir, and having seen you in action, would fear for my very life at thoughts of angering you.

This office has been contacted by a certain Princess Lampsha, who has generously agreed to pay our reasonable sum of $3.50 {Star*Bucks} in the form of a Cafe Americano, which she will be buying for herself. Are you able to match and/or exceed my request for processing reimbursement funding? The Princess indicated $12,000 was too excessive, but I am in hopes you will intend it to be otherwise, in order to properly perform charitable acts on people/houses in your own kind and unsown neighborhood.

If it is true that your neighborhood is located in Holland {Netherland} it would be a simple matter to forward you the modalities for accessing Princess James’ estate, once she takes in her last breath of air. After my visit, I am sorry to report the air around her is stale and smoke-filled, and, unless a window is opened, i fear for her current demise.

Soon, someone will be so rich with cash {money} and fame and the world will fall at their feet. Perhaps those feet will be yours.

With regards and true intentions for a charitable outcome, I remain yours very and truly very sincerely, even as I find myself confused by the fact you know of my multiple mothers,

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq

Comment by Dr. David Van Dyke, esq.

Provided von Weasel’s feet are not shod in cement clogs…

Comment by Princess Lampsha

Lampsha: there’ll be no expunging of comments here, missy! (laughing even as i attempt to type anything coherent!) xox

Kyahgirl: Why am i not surprised to know you’re a fan of Monty Python? and yes… the high pitched voices… we have always loveloveloved the Spam sketch, but i have to admit, i howl when my sons launch into their version of the Lumberjack Song, as well!! xox

FN: GIRLFRIEND!! i knew you couldn’t resist a Python-related post! (clever the way i drew you out, doncha think???) yes… All Python All the time would suit me just fine. (it’ll be a lot easier once i get my hands on the money Princess James is leaving me. assuming Princess Lampsha and/or Dr. Van Diesel, Esq., DDS, PhD, Ret., don’t beat me to it!) xox

oh and LBP: an IM three-way????? what’s up with *that*???? sounds exhausting. xox

Comment by snuppy

cement clogs? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! (i am dying here) 😀

Comment by snuppy

To the Earl of Kyah:

Thank you, I have come to love the sound of axes grinding myself – literally. Rather tragic really. The sound so soothed me that I fell into a somnambulent state and well my forehead bears the reprucussions of such relaxation.

I am thus hoping my funds, I mean the “Charity’s” (Axes of Love) funds will see fit to pay for my plastic surgery to cover this deformity of face.

(That vonWeasel is rather rude – aren’t the Dutch known for that as well?).

Warmest regards,

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Princess Lampsha

My Dearest and Most Delightful Princess Lampsha:

It is with the happiest of intentions that I inform you of the fact that the Princess James may soon be departing the planet earth, following an unfortunate encounter with a rather large pillow. As she lay gasping for breath under the weight of feathers stuffed into her very nostrils, she was heard to utter the following words: “Ik ben voor de Prinses Lampsha van plan al mijn geld te hebben. Arrrrgh.” She is dying knowing you would enjoy disbursing her illicit riches {cash} even as she complains loudly about her allergies to goose down.

I wish to alert you to one alarming development, which I am insured will not take your finger off of your own pulse, which you are taking in order to determine your own level of excitement about your soon to be inheritance to be used only for charitable purposes of the kind you did not sow.

I have been contacted by a renowned man from Holland {Netherland} who has expressed intentions for becomming rich and famous. I believe he is also a well known Hollywood {Nethermind} Star. Or he would be if his name was Vin instead of Dr. Van. A larger demonstration of your ability to disburse money to people/houses in your neighborhood and/or wield a larger axe may be in order, in the upcoming days/week. Also, I am in need of a new suit, as the pockets on the one I am wearing were picked on my way to the Internet Cafe, a place from which I conduct all my important and Private business matters.

I am very much appreciating your advice in this matter, and will pass along your words of condensation to the illicit relations who will not be having their way with the fortune left behind by a 62 year old widow named Princess James. Who is a real person, by the way. And a childless couple, at that.

All thanks and mercy to you for responses that include the words “Your money is on it’s way”.

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Dear Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke,

There’s only one princess here and it is I. ME and ME alone. Whoever is trumpeting the Princess Tiara is full of shit unmitigated lies. (Yeah? Does that make sense…meh, whatever) I truly hope you aren’t intending to gives this Faux Princess MY inheritance.

Have you seen my frickin’ tiara? HAVE YOU? Hell I’ve got a matching sceptor. If this isn’t Princess equipment I don’t know what is!!!

So yo! Shell out my inheritance, buddy. TO ME! MEEEEE!!!

Oh and the money will go to a worthy cause. Namely…me.

Yours respectively,
H.R.H. Princess Little Blue Pill

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Greetings and Salivations your Highness, Princess Little Blue Pill:

I have no dispute with your confusion that you are of a Royal and entitled bloodline. Your grasp of the language and the fluent way in which you express your discomfort affords you that luxury. The tiara is stunning, as is your sceptor. Both of which appear of a value far above the $90 {American} indicated as their worth. I am in a position to continue to harvest solicitations of the monetary sort and will await your own offings of goodwill and charitable foundations in the hopes this matter will be resolved to my satisfaction. By the way, Princess James bears you no ill will for claiming your place among royalty. Perhaps the feet close to bearing great riches {cash} and fame will look like the ones at the bottom of your own shapely legs.

Retrospectively Yours in High Regard and business/things,

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

I must run as someone is chasing me, but I shall be back this evening I prey, er pray.

Sinerely,

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Princess Lampsha

Rudeness? F*** you, lampsha.

Kidding!

Man, did anybody else notice that I had like 4 typos in my comment? I need more coffee.

Comment by Diesel

uh…Diesel? we all thought you did it on purpose. until now, that is. 🙂

Comment by snuppy

To H.R.H, The Princess Lampsha;

I thank you for your gracious thank you Princess Lampsha.

If you deign to appoint me to the exhalted position of Treasurer to the Axes of Love Foundation, I will ensure that there are adequate funds to repair your wound. It can be considered a legitimate administrative expense of the foundation as the injury occureed while you listened to the grinding of the axes.

Most deferentially;

The Earl of Kyah

p.s. my friends call me TEK and I would be moved beyond words if you would too, dear Princess.

Comment by The Earl of Kyah

ah, von Weasel, I see the gloves are off.

Just as one would expect from a foreign usurper.

Comment by The Earl of Kyah

Dear DDVDVD,

Of course my tiara and sceptor are $90 (US!) for I’m nothing but a poor and humble princess just yearning for her place in high falutin’ society.

Donate? Why the fuck would I do that? There are a many organizations in my poor (and humble) kingdom that will benefit greatly from this big honking wad of cash generosity. I shall see it dispersed to my own safe the organizations that need it the most. For example: keeping the princess supplied with cabana boysproviding employment for my serfs, decorating the castle providing housing, all the god damn chocolate I want providing food to the food bank, and converting the cash to gems and rolling around on a few million or two bills reinforcing our economy.

Humbly yours,
H.R.H. Princess Little Blue Pill

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Most Revered and Honorable and Eludicated Earl of Kyah:

It has come to my attention that an alliance of sorts has been formed betwixt you and a certain Princess of the Lampsha Region, a neighborhood in dire need of charitable donations in the name of the people/houses that are found in that block of the woods. It has also become clear to the powers of my astute and questionable beings, that the Right Honorable Dr. Van Diesel, Esq., DDS, PhD, Ret., may not be all he appears to be when I write out his name in cursive. Any and all informations regarding his whereabouts would be appreciated and sent directly to the chamber of the recently resuscitated Princess James, who lingers between her smoke-filled quarters and the netherworld that is not the same as the Netherland {Holland}.

Are you the final voice of reason from which all others must bow and/or boil? More to the point, can you contribute more than $3.50 {Star*Bucks} to my recovery fund, as it has become depleted even as I sit at a table in the Internet Cafe drinking warm Ginger Ale in an effort to keep my WiFi connections livid.

Thank you for throwing in cahoots with the right and proper Princess Lampsha, whom, a background check has revealed, is the true and gelatine heir to the thrown. Her pending conviction for commissioning the crafting of a pair of cement clogs for the purposes of illicit reaping of all she did not sow, notwithstanding.

I am of interest to much of that which you read. As such I refund nothing and will refute all to the death who infers and/or ingests otherwise.

I remain incognito in a sea of concern, yours truly and very truly yours,

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

It appears that Princess Lampsha and the Earl of Kyah have entered into a conspiratorial union designed to push their fellow Snarksters to the side in order to claim the fortune offered. I believe it is incumbant on me to enter the fray and up the ante on behalf of the rest of us soon to be shutout few. I’ll see the $3.50 bid and raise it to a whopping $5.00 American. I have a Starbucks card and I’m not afraid to use it.

Comment by BoBo

My Dear and Honorable and Most Generously Unbowed Mr. Bobo,

I’m interesting.

With all due disregard for proprietary bottles of Herbal Essence, I fondly await further induced mentionings of all things Star*Bucks.

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Dear Dr. David Van Dyke…may I call you Dave? Perhaps V.D.? I find it a bit pretentious that the second line of your return contains the boastful contention that you are “interesting,” however, who am I do judge having never met you. That said…the offer stands and its execution requires nothing more than a good faith deposit into my personal account in the amount of say, $25,000 American, the remainder to be paid forthwith once my Starbucks card has been charged the agreed amount of $5 whole dollars. I too intend to use the resources only for the utmost humanitarian concerns…afterall, it is my nature.

Respectfully.

Comment by BoBo

Respectful Bobo,

I meant introverted. VD is fine, although many friend/houses in neighborhoods refer to me as Dirk.

All intentions remain intact.

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Honorable Princess Little Blue Pill:

Pink flip-flops might happen to sweeten the proposed disbursement of fundings. I wear a size 6 1/2. Tiaras are optional, but improved.

Humbly and remorsefully yours in kind,

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Dear, Dear, Dr. David van Dick Van Dyke;

You are indeed interesting. And wise. Thus, I most respectfully advise you to beware of charlatans going by either BoZo or BoBo. BoBo is but a netherregions pronunciation of BoZo.

May I most fondly direct your attention to the Empress of Starbucks, who humbly calls herself cj, in order to make the serfs comfortable. By forming an alliance with the Princess, the Empress, and myself, you, my dear, dear Dr, David van Dick van Dyke, stand to gain untold riches in Starbucks products. Think about it and drool.

Most obequiously yours,
The Earl of Kyah

Comment by The Earl of Kyah

Now I know how people who have never watched Lost feel when they tune in halfway through the 6th episode of season 3.

Is there a synopsis available online? Which one is Sawyer?

Comment by Diesel

My Most Steamed and eminent Earl of Kyah:

It is with utmost concession that I address your plea and find I have gained interest in perspectives even as I drool at the idea of Starbuck’s finery. Untold riches, in order to do the works of charity in people/houses of neighborhoods deemed worthy are exactly what the venereal Princess James had in mind when she set up all modalities included in her PRIVATE Western European bank account.

Is this C of J-ness allowed to communicate in force? Or shall I gladly permit you to send me information involved in it? Confusion is an art, of which I have many.

Your word is on the line, as the Princess James gasps for breath on the bathroom floor. She remains conscious only long enough to whisper a line from her favorite song, Blame it On the Bossa Nova. Your kindness shall be disregarded forthwith until I receive your next informative massage. All thanks to you, most dear and relevant Earl of Kyah.

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Diesel: uh… maybe. we never quite got into Lost, probably a good thing, too, for we have all we can do trying to keep up with Heroes. (a pretty awesome program now that i mention it) i’ll see if i can’t work up a synopsis for *this* post after i’ve had my dinner and/or fed the dogs! xox

Comment by snuppy

Oh, I want to be listed in the credits under
“laughing.” It’s my only line….we’re about due for
a Python marathon, over here! Thank you for the
chuckle:)

That spam letter is mightly interesting!

Comment by actonbell

actonbell: as one who enjoyed the Broadway production of Monty Python & the Holy Grail (we did too!!), i KNEW you’d lovelovelove that clip! and the spam solicitation is mightly interesting, indeed! xox

Diesel: relevant to nothing, you might be interested to know Mr. Skin has weighed in today with his opinion of Jane Fonda. he’s not a fan. (sometimes the stuff i find in the spam catcher just makes me laugh)

Comment by snuppy

Your honorable Drs. Sir David Van Dick Dyke:

I am sorry I have had to beat a hasty retreat. It seems that word of my imminent inheritance has leaked through the blogs er the bogs and no good rather devious sorts seem to be seeking me out. Having said that, the flock that has gathered here are highly disreputable. That Bobo will stiff you for a TGSNWM and dash out before paying you a cent (American) of what he’s promised.

We’ve already ruled out that foul mouthed Netherregion native Von Weasel (as I believe as we speak he is sinking to the bottom of some lake in Holland due to forgetting his cement clogs). That leaves one “Princess” Little Blue Shrill who anybody with royal contact limited to licking a Royal stamp could judge her street language to be that of the commoner and expose her for the harlot that she is.

That would leave the unholy alliance of myself, The Earl of Kyah, and a certain Empress Barista.

I can assure you that you shall sup on lattes as never before and before you can say “These are worth the extra five cents (American)!”, the deal will be sealed and you’ll be back in an Internet Cafe conducting business as yourself, a childless couple.

I look forward to our meeting,

With kindest and warmest and saddest regards,

Princess Lampsha

PS: You should know that Princess James never suffered (don’t ask me how I know).

Comment by Lampsha

My dearest TEK,

Consider yourself an appointee of my court and foundation. You are an esteemed educated refined indidividual – just the sort I need as a cover, I mean treasurer.

We shall make it official at the exchange at Starbucks whilst you sign the checks to my plastic surgeon, DR. DOO DOO.

Until then, my dear TEK, I fondly bid you adieu.

Best and warmest regards dear friend,

Princess Lampsha (my friends call me Princess Lampsha)

Comment by Lampsha

Oh my goodness I’m an Empress!! 🙂 *bows* why thank you!

Comment by cj

Dearest Princess Lampsha;

My beloved Earl is currently indisposed due to an attack of pompositous extremis but I’m sure I speak for him when I say that we can continue to forge our alliance.

May the Axes of Love continue to grind you.
Countess of Kyah

p.s. my dear princess, just between you and me, I wish that dyke van dick guy would just hand over the freakin’ money already.

Comment by The Countess of Kyah

Oh hi empress. didn’t see you there. Me and teh princess weren’t thinking of cutting you out or anything.

Comment by The Countess of Kyah

In doo time, TEK, in doo time to both comments.

Princess Lampsha

Comment by Lampsha

Just remember all you greedy shysters…harlots always come out on top.

Comment by Royal Harlot

All Hail to Those of Interest and/or Impetuous Actions!

It has been insisted upon by the greedy grub running relations who waited on Death’s very door in hopes of watching as it slammed into Princess James’ formidable hindsight, which was 20/60 on a lean day, in order to reap from where they did not sow, or even bother using a safety pin. As a result, it has been a sad day in Holland {Netherlands}.

Lattes? I plan to drink with delight, after completing a small transaction involving a $5 donation to my favorite charitable house for services almost rendered.

Princess Lampsha, Countess of Kyah, Empress of Barista, you hold the cards and if you count I am certain they add up to a solid 15. Certainly one of you has a full house, in need of donations. If not now, perhaps tomorrow? The clock is ticking, ladles, and it’s not getting any lighter in the Netherlands {Holland}.

I leave you with the following poem, which I am sure you have heard many times while sitting on the bus: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, I’m not in Holland {Netherlands}, Princess James isn’t, too.

Countess, my sincere constellation for the state of your beloved’s Extremis. I understand Pomposity has been quite a problem in the northern regions of North America {Canada}.

Having exhausted all resources, as well as the WiFi confection at this Internet Cafe, I remind you to speak softly and carry a cement clog.

Regards and Realizations of more Charitable Times for Future Ponderings, of people/housing/things to be reaped without sewing a stitch.

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Oh Boisterous and Bawdy Harlot of Royal Descent:

Naturally I understand of your concern regarding the plight of your country. As to the position of which you speak, I rationalize the Missionary Minded Males of your Kingdom must be disenfranchised, even as they sing for raisins. Princess James would have appealed.

Perhaps I have been too hasty in wrapping all the transitory leftovers?

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

I am flattered to have been mentioned as a charitable cause, as indeed, I and Mrs. Doo-Doo also are childless couple since our daughter’s pet hamster indigested her. In fact, not only houses/neighborhood/womens faces benefit from my charity, but my own partially legged state, which has required many unsuccessful opperations as well.
Unfortunately due to my employment by space aliens, I have been paid in a specie that may not be recognized as legal tender in Netherland, so I must forego this oportunity to secure a big donation to the Blochalela Foundation. However, should anyone wish to send requisite information, I can arange future transfer of my sizable alien species inheritance after my death, which may be soon, as I am falling apart from my own nonherbal medicinal treatments. I do not requisite that it be used for charitable purposes.
As free bonus to all, I also include this LINK, where spam recipes are frequently posted.
Yours in charitable intent, Dr. Van Doo-Doo

Comment by Dr. Doo-Doo

My Dear and Esteemed and Redacted Dr. Van Doo-Doo:

To learn you are a childless couple, due to your daughter’s unfortunate alteration with her hamster, is music to my charitable heart. To know of your eminence destraction leaves me dazed and contorted. I know of a home in which Herbal Treatments are offended, and sheets are washed infrequently. The costs are mutiple, and the food is large. Perhaps I might be of service to you in this time of need? Arrangments can be made at the drop of a sizable amount of cash {money} in my very big fedora, which was proposed here in Holland {Netherlands}.

The Princess James widow, may she rest in place, encrusted me with a sizeable fortune, in the form of a key to a safety deposit box located in an unknown Western European Financial Facilitate, which I helped to build. I would be more than gracious to enable the immediate and charitable disbursement of your alien species inheritance should you endow me to do so.

I am unfamiliar with the term “Spam”, but it does sound delicious, if not deragatory, and I will be happy to make preparations of a cassarole as soon as ingredients can be purchased through intense meditation. Thank you for the small gesture of kindness, as I am clear on it’s intent.

With bread buttered on the side of justice, I remain your loyal serpent,

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Doctor Dick:
You are advised to lay off the phony baloney regarding persons on our show and their charitable endeavors, or your parents may suddenly find themselves childless couple.
Hoping I make myself clear,
Sli Prypeel, Atty. at Law

Comment by Mr. Banana's Lawyer

Most Stingy and Estranged Sli Prypeel, Atty. at Law and Lawyer for a one Mr. Bananafananaman:

To what do I owe this inexplicable and introspective communion? It is a well known fact that my mother is a childless couple, as my father left her for the cleaning woman, Eartha, 31 years ago, along with a large bottle of Lysol and a sponge.

That you would attempt to clear the air on this matter is akin to swatting at a large monkey with a fly. And thank you for doing so, as my confusion arises with the sun. I am not investigated in harboring anyone from your show, as I have no background to qualify them. But I appreciate your constellation, as I value my clients and care for their properties in much the same facilitating manner in which you do. The old-fashioned ways continue to swerve without hesitancy, or so it has been my expression in times of need. Perhaps a meeting in order to expunge business cards and match wits is in order, and I shall be affordable sometime next week.

Feel freely of my leg, and, should you desire an engaging of mockery, contact my own attorney, L.T. “Jess” Maroon, esq., who will be available as soon as his parole comes through, sometime next year.

I hope this communiqué smears up any and all uncomfortable situations to you sacrosanction. I bid you adieu, and wish you all good fortune in your own, clarificational endeavors.

Deferential and sinister in the highest of degrees, I remain your humble serpent,

Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

Comment by Dr. David Van Dick Van Dyke, esq.

[…] young man popped his greasy/money-grubbing nose into the Snark Park, tried to get his hands on Princess James’ fortune before we could chase him away with our brooms and/or dust-busters, and we haven’t been able […]

Pingback by The Year in Film, Snark Style « Central Snark

[…] the material in this so-called “book” over the course of the year — or so — since we first met this guy, see? But wait! There’s more! As you’ll soon see, […]

Pingback by Wake Up and Smell the DIESEL « Central Snark

Great, thanks for posting! I was also wondering if you could donate my life savings for me as well. You could start your own life-savings-donating business if you wanted.

Comment by Tiara Time




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: