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OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
PEOPLE DYING EVERY WAY,
PEOPLE DYING EVERY DAY,
OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY
~Dougie’s Uncle M~
IMAGINE our collective surprise this morning, when we looked at our calendars and realized Sunday was a certain loveable curmudgeon’s birthday. A curmudgeon who would never want it known that he has a birthday on the horizon. A curmudgeon who would no sooner allow such potentially damaging information to be leaked into the blogosphere than he would pass up a steak in order to chomp down on a veggie burger. We could go on, but we don’t want to. Surely you know who we mean. Cindy, you do, too. (hah hah. That’s our stupid sense of humor rearing it’s ugly head again. Don’t mind us, move along with your reading. Surely this will get better in a minute or two. Cindy? …nevermind.)
OH we know what you’re thinking: What lows did we stoop to in order to discern the exact date of Dougie’s birthday. Lows? Us? You give us too much credit. The discovery process was really very simple. We knew the curmudgeon’s birthday was in November, so we searched the archives of WAKING AMBROSE from last year. Lo and behold, our efforts were rewarded in spades when we found a link on one of his posts to another blog entitled DOUGIE’S BIRTHDAY, which spanned the dates November 10-13(ish). We’ve never claimed to be rocket scientists, but even we knew what that meant. And Dougie’s Birthday Blog did not disappoint. Of course, if you’re not in the mood to read the whole thing rightthisminute, allow us to share one or two highlights provided by his sister (or someone who seems to know about his sordid past) that we thought were particularly fun:
- Doug shaved a question mark into his hair, a bad do even for Dougie.
- Doug lit fire to the toilet in his bathroom when he should have known better (I don’t care what scientific experiment he uses as an excuse, he still was almost sent to boarding school because of that stunt)
- Doug threatened to beat up Mr. Sneed (or maybe it was dad, but either way it is a pretty fond memory and I prefer to think it was Doug) the old man across the street at the ripe old age of 12 because Mr. Sneed (admittedly not a nice guy) accused Andy of “egging” his motor home, and Andy would never do such a thing (he later confessed)
POOR Mr. Sneed. Still, we can’t speak for you, but in our own fragile minds, that information is blogger’s gold.
Blogger’s Gold indeed, Snuppy. I’m wondering if he had a definition shaved into the other side of his head. He sounds like a bit of a misanthrope to me which only endears him further to us. You know, Doug, you’ve hosted, been roasted and now you’re about to be toasted. L’chaim Doug, to a great year ahead, health and gelt (you need one to make the other). We know you like things lowkey but a few balloons, a dunking tank and a jumping castle, a band, a cotton candy machine, pony rides – the sky’s the limit. And before you get all agitated that you’re a curmudgeon and you don’t like to have the spotlight on you – just save it. This is more for us than for you. Now that we have that sorted out, party on!
Party indeed, Snuppy and Lampy…ok, the rest of you lot, too! *hands out slices of birthday cake*. I love the idea of seriously annoying our self-proclaimed curmudgeon on his birthday. Too much attention is never good, an entire post and a bunch of girls honouring Dougie, will seriously mess him up for weeks. Goody! Douglas Stephen Pascover, almost 40: there is little wisdom that we can give you on any given day, let alone your birthday. Mostly, because you would have a follow-up sarcastic remark in a heart beat. Besides, according to the stories about yourself, there is little idiotic stuff you haven´t tried already. Along those lines: just stay as you are, allow the idiots of the world to be foolish once in a while and tie your shoe laces before leaving the house. Braking a hip at your age shouldn´t be taken lightly! Also: I like onions! What?*innocent look* Oh, this is not about me? Alrighty then: Til hamingju med daginn, kjaninn thinn!
*INSERT Miz BoheMia’s boisterous and heartfelt birthday wishes, here* (we know she’s planning something, but with the kids, and the rain, and the car, and those teeth, and all that other BoheMian craziness she fondly refers to as “Life in Spain”, well, you know… shit happens, and sometimes to her.)
IN closing, we’d like to share the following video, which we happen to know is a particular favorite of Dougie’s — when you see it, we think you’ll understand why.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOUGIE. Oh, and for the record, we most certainly do NOT hate your ass face. We kind of like you, in case you couldn’t tell. (we don’t think you’re “bastard people”, either, but that’s another Guffman clip for another goofy day)
OKAY KIDS… please sign your names to this rather lengthy Birthday Card in the comment section — and by all means, feel free to offer up any birthday wishes you may have, as well. We can’t promise Dougie will see any of this — who knows what bloggy birthday evil lurks in the heart of an evil and curmudgeonly almost 40 year-old Birthday Dougie — but we’ll do our best to lure him over here, in hopes he’ll at least know we all thought about him for a minute or two before calling it a day.
~ Central Snark Management Team/Almost Birthday Party Planners
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