Central Snark


Dougie’s Birthday by Snuppy
Friday, 10 November 2006, 9:22am
Filed under: happy happy

OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
PEOPLE DYING EVERY WAY,
PEOPLE DYING EVERY DAY,
OH HAPPY BIRTHDAY

~Dougie’s Uncle M~

IMAGINE our collective surprise this morning, when we looked at our calendars and realized Sunday was a certain loveable curmudgeon’s birthday. A curmudgeon who would never want it known that he has a birthday on the horizon. A curmudgeon who would no sooner allow such potentially damaging information to be leaked into the blogosphere than he would pass up a steak in order to chomp down on a veggie burger. We could go on, but we don’t want to. Surely you know who we mean. Cindy, you do, too. (hah hah. That’s our stupid sense of humor rearing it’s ugly head again. Don’t mind us, move along with your reading. Surely this will get better in a minute or two. Cindy? …nevermind.)

OH we know what you’re thinking: What lows did we stoop to in order to discern the exact date of Dougie’s birthday. Lows? Us? You give us too much credit. The discovery process was really very simple. We knew the curmudgeon’s birthday was in November, so we searched the archives of WAKING AMBROSE from last year. Lo and behold, our efforts were rewarded in spades when we found a link on one of his posts to another blog entitled DOUGIE’S BIRTHDAY, which spanned the dates November 10-13(ish). We’ve never claimed to be rocket scientists, but even we knew what that meant. And Dougie’s Birthday Blog did not disappoint. Of course, if you’re not in the mood to read the whole thing rightthisminute, allow us to share one or two highlights provided by his sister (or someone who seems to know about his sordid past) that we thought were particularly fun:

  • Doug shaved a question mark into his hair, a bad do even for Dougie.
  • Doug lit fire to the toilet in his bathroom when he should have known better (I don’t care what scientific experiment he uses as an excuse, he still was almost sent to boarding school because of that stunt)
  • Doug threatened to beat up Mr. Sneed (or maybe it was dad, but either way it is a pretty fond memory and I prefer to think it was Doug) the old man across the street at the ripe old age of 12 because Mr. Sneed (admittedly not a nice guy) accused Andy of “egging” his motor home, and Andy would never do such a thing (he later confessed)

POOR Mr. Sneed. Still, we can’t speak for you, but in our own fragile minds, that information is blogger’s gold.

Blogger’s Gold indeed, Snuppy. I’m wondering if he had a definition shaved into the other side of his head. He sounds like a bit of a misanthrope to me which only endears him further to us. You know, Doug, you’ve hosted, been roasted and now you’re about to be toasted. L’chaim Doug, to a great year ahead, health and gelt (you need one to make the other). We know you like things lowkey but a few balloons, a dunking tank and a jumping castle, a band, a cotton candy machine, pony rides – the sky’s the limit. And before you get all agitated that you’re a curmudgeon and you don’t like to have the spotlight on you – just save it. This is more for us than for you. Now that we have that sorted out, party on!

Party indeed, Snuppy and Lampy…ok, the rest of you lot, too! *hands out slices of birthday cake*. I love the idea of seriously annoying our self-proclaimed curmudgeon on his birthday. Too much attention is never good, an entire post and a bunch of girls honouring Dougie, will seriously mess him up for weeks. Goody! Douglas Stephen Pascover, almost 40: there is little wisdom that we can give you on any given day, let alone your birthday. Mostly, because you would have a follow-up sarcastic remark in a heart beat. Besides, according to the stories about yourself, there is little idiotic stuff you haven´t tried already. Along those lines: just stay as you are, allow the idiots of the world to be foolish once in a while and tie your shoe laces before leaving the house. Braking a hip at your age shouldn´t be taken lightly! Also: I like onions! What?*innocent look* Oh, this is not about me? Alrighty then: Til hamingju med daginn, kjaninn thinn!

*INSERT Miz BoheMia’s boisterous and heartfelt birthday wishes, here* (we know she’s planning something, but with the kids, and the rain, and the car, and those teeth, and all that other BoheMian craziness she fondly refers to as “Life in Spain”, well, you know… shit happens, and sometimes to her.)

IN closing, we’d like to share the following video, which we happen to know is a particular favorite of Dougie’s — when you see it, we think you’ll understand why.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DOUGIE. Oh, and for the record, we most certainly do NOT hate your ass face. We kind of like you, in case you couldn’t tell. (we don’t think you’re “bastard people”, either, but that’s another Guffman clip for another goofy day)

OKAY KIDS… please sign your names to this rather lengthy Birthday Card in the comment section — and by all means, feel free to offer up any birthday wishes you may have, as well. We can’t promise Dougie will see any of this — who knows what bloggy birthday evil lurks in the heart of an evil and curmudgeonly almost 40 year-old Birthday Dougie — but we’ll do our best to lure him over here, in hopes he’ll at least know we all thought about him for a minute or two before calling it a day.

~ Central Snark Management Team/Almost Birthday Party Planners

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51 Comments so far
Leave a comment

*wrings hands and snickers*

This came out so well.
If anybody has ideas of linking to his page and wishing him Happy Birthday or even just send people over there to wish him Happy Birthday…my head is nodding shameless approval.
let´s show a curmudgeon how the chicken can dance!
Happy almost birthday, big guy!
You know we wouldn´t do this for just anybody, right?!
Some people´s privacy we actually do respect!
I really do crack myself up, all the time…I have laughter-tummy-cramps 24/7.
Cheers!

Comment by Penguin

hey Dougie… it’s yer birthday. hey Dougie… it’s yer birthday… *does a very uncoordinated birthday dance, falls down*

dearest Penguin… after reading your hilarious comment, i have laughter tummy cramps, too!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY (soon) DOUGIE!! (may we call you that?) xoxo

Comment by snuppy

OK, I’m laughing too. What greater gift can a man receive as he ages than friends who understand what he needs and give him the opposite? And what better friends can he have than those who can make him grateful for the trick?

Penguin, you crack me up too. I think I just have more capacity in my belly. Try laughing higher.

Neva, you somehow blend wickedness and graciousness and make it smooth. I can only imagine what you can do with eye of newt and mandrake.

Lampy, the definitions go under the haircut. You’ve been doing it wrong. Your potential is scary.

Dulce Hermana, eres inocente. El primero vez, creo yo. Tienes hasta el Domingo.

Comment by Walela

And thank you all. I’m actually very touched and more than a little teched.

Comment by Walela

Happy Birthday Dougie!!! 🙂 May your day not be nearly as wholesome as mine!

Comment by cj

Ooh the party’s kicked off ~ well Happy Almost Birthday Dougie (like that)! Hold on, helps Snuppy up from the floor (straighten your birthday hat Snup). I’m sure I’ll be back with some real words of wisdom for the year ahead, but I was up late decorating so I need to have a little more inspiration. Enjoy the lead up to the birthday ~ we couldn’t have tricked a nicer guy! xox

Comment by Lampy Birthday to You

THE BOHEMIAN MADE IT AND THE HERMANO MISSED IT! BWAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!

hmph… Off I go to get some attention! HERMANO QUE YA LO HE HECHO Y TEMPRANO! SEEEEEGURO!

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Ooops! That was lil’ ol’ me!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Happy birthday, Doug. All the best, and many more, to a great and clever guy.

Comment by Al

CYM…I have a feeling he´ll be back…he does indulge once every blue moon. Don´t cry! Snuppy you alright? Look a little shaken afte rteh fall, why donæt I fill your glass with a bit of orange juice instead of the straight Burbon?

Comment by Penguin

Ooooh! I LOVE OJ! Is it fresh squeezed? Hey! I am your sister so I get to be picky! Bwahahahaaaa!

You know, for a younger sister you are incredibly sweet and I appreciate your not pulling my hair! *sigh* You are dreamy pingüinita!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Oooh my favorite curmudgeon is having a birthday?

Well that deserves a song from me to you. Okay…maybe not me but she was also a little blue pill.

Mmmmmmmwah!

Comment by Little Blue Pill

Walela: just hoping to spread a little birthday joy, my friend! eye of newt? mandrake? why, i have no idea what you’re talking about… *cackles softly* xox

CJ: we all know you set the gold standard for wholesomeness! one can only hope Dougie’s won’t be the same. 🙂 xox

Lampsha: thanks for the hand, girlfriend *brushes confetti off seat of pants* i knew i shouldn’t have tried that dance step in go-go boots. xox

CYM: amiga… you have so freaking MUCH going on in your crazy life (just got your email about 3 minutes ago) i’m impressed you have a moment to even check in here, yourself! as for tu hermano? i have no doubt he’ll be back, if only to see what names he needs to add to his ever growing “hit list”! xox

Penguin: heh heh. oopsies! i’m fine… just a bit too clumsy for my own good! thanks for the juice — expecially since i don’t drink! (it’s true… i have nothing to blame for that fall but a significant lack of coordination. and maybe a slippery floor. hee hee!) xox

Al: excellent call, friend! you can never go wrong with Monty Python anything around here! xox

LBP: *claps* we were hoping *someone* would link to that video! believe it or not, we came thisclose to using it ourselves… but it seems MUCH more appropriate coming from you. thanks! xox

Comment by snuppy birthday to you

The Central Park Management team have outdone themselves!! Great post for a great guy. Exactly the kind of publicity that would drive a curmudgeon crazy. If your friends can’t harass you on your almost birthday, who the hell can?

Happy Birthday in advance Doug. Judging by the party going on here, I don’t think anyone will be concious by Sunday 🙂

hey lampy, your shade’s a bit tilted. Got any more punch?

Comment by kyahgirl

Kyah thanks, just offering my slant on things. Oh that was corny, must be the punch talking. Here you go – cups up! The funniest part is it’s only Hawaiin Punch.

Comment by Lampy Birthday to You!

I don’t know but I’ve been told,
Someone here is gettin’ old.

Enjoy your BD, Dawg, but watch what you do with that cake. It’s getting big enough to attract Smokey’s attention. And you know, only you can prevent forest fires.

🙂

Comment by The Amoeba

…so when’s that “Life and Times of Dougie” video going to be posted on YouTube? The trailer was quite shocking…can only imagine what else is in there.

Happy birthday eve, eve, Doug…you’ve finally reached adulthood…so sorry.

Comment by BoBo

A premature (which you definitely were not, Mr. Procrastinator) and joyous birthday. On your natal day, may you see all the desert stars you wish…and oh, yes, ride a pony for me! You are loved lots, Ughs!

Comment by Mama

Doug – happy pre-birthday ya old fart! I don’t care if it’s your birthday weekend or not, move out of the way and make room at the buffet for the rest of us. 😉

These ladies have outdone themselves and I for one am ready to partake — I’ll have what lampy’s having!

Comment by Sar

Thanks, CJ. I’m expecting primal but its good to keep my options open.

Thanks, Lampy. I’ll do my best.

Seguro, pro cierto, Hermana.

Penguin, you know me better than I know myself. What’s in the OJ?

LBP, that cracked me up. That’s just how you’d sing it to me, too, I bet.

Snuppy, you spread it well.

Thanks, Kyah. I’ll be under a sage brush, myself.

O Ceallaigh, I thank you on behalf of all bears.

Thanks, Joel. Not yet but dotage is right around the corner.

Hey, thanks, Mama.

Comment by Walela

Sar, we cross-posted but I think you could use one after putting together the spectacular party at your place. You young kids and your parties.

Comment by Walela

*gets out the lazy boy, the grandpa slippers and yesterday´s newspaper*
Here Doug, have a seat and watch that hip of yours! 🙂

Sar, wait up I am coming with you. Two people pushing towards the buffet have more effect!

Bobo, welcome…long time no drink, why don´t you have a sip of this? *hands him a yeallowish/greenish brew. It is green tea with banana bits, why?

Snuppy, youa re getting better at that routine already *hands her some paddings* 🙂

Ameoba, you might wanna hit a more masculine note!

We are two days early and already the party is full speed!

Comment by Penguin

But, but, but, Minkapenguin, I didn’t think hitting was allowed on here. It’s hardly PC. Yes I use a Mac, but still …

Unless you’re talking music. I know about whole notes, half notes, quarter notes, eighth notes … but I checked the theory books and never found any references to masculine notes. Never mind hitting any …

Waitaminute. Is that why you on the Continent and the united kingdom on that island out there insist on calling quarter notes quavers?!?

🙂

Comment by The Amoeba

What’s that, Missy? How do you walk a ship?

Comment by Walela

Happy Birthday Doug!!!!! And may you have many, many, many more…..you will….you are not that old…sure!!!! 🙂
I am having so much fun with the clips you are showing…..even liked yesterdays…last to comment….I am having a busy life geting ready for Thanksgiving and Christmas before my foot surgery….Surgery is geting to be a nasty habit….In December I will have nothing to do except chat with my blog friends….I am telling you all this because I am sure you missed me terribly and wonder where I am LOL 🙂

Comment by Pretty Kitten Heels

Mo’a: We do! We wait to hear that click click click of your pretty kitten heels! xox

Comment by Lampy Birthday to You!

wowie… am i to believe that when i have to go out and run errands and do other things that you guys are willing to party on WITHOUT me?? aieeee! how nice. i was out for a few minutes. so glad you guys managed to have a little fun without me. yippee.

Ameoba: talk to me about quasihemidemisemiquavers. then i’ll be impressed 🙂

Pretty Kitty Heels: i saw that comment you left yesterday… i meant to go back and say something but then i started laughing, and well, you know how i get when that happens! (but you know her, too? impressive!) and we *do* miss you, so, despite the crummy reason (surgery? yuck) Lampsha’s right, it will be lovely to hear the click click of those pretty kitty heels here in the park! xox

Lampy Birthday to You: sorry i didn’t get back sooner… did i miss anything? xoxoxoxox

Comment by snuppy birthday to you!

Snuppy Birdie – Not on my horn chart you don’t! What do you think this is I’ve got here, a violin?!

Hmph. Such language.

And I’ve been meaning to have a word with Mr. Ignatius M. Dedd about his impugnment that Dubya plays the trumpet. I resent the implication. Resent it, I say. (Did I just say that? Merde. I’ve been hanging around Mizzy B too long …)

Comment by The Amoeba

hah! my bad, Amoeba. actually, i was thinking of a triangle — my silly nod to something science(ish)/math(ish)– but since those are also known as idiophones, the reference can’t *possibly* apply to you! (me, on the other hand…)

as for IM Dedd? have all the words you like, just steer clear of his waterboard (just sayin’…) 🙂

Comment by snuppy birthday to you!

Happiest of days dear Doug…who can lure my brain to be creative at 6:30 AM. No small trick. Enjoy.

Comment by Mutha

Happy almost birthday dawg. Or almost have a happy birthday. May you have a birthday, almost. WTF am I supposed to be sayin’ here?

Comment by tanlucypez

Don’t shave a ? mark in your hair for this occasion. Don’t set the toilet on fire. And whatever you do, don’t nod off in a meeting and wake up and say, F*ck f*ck. You ain’t a kid anymore.

Comment by blogmama

Start bracing for 40.

Comment by The grim reaper

Happy Birthday Doug. Please accept this box of fresh artichokes with my best wishes. I thought you said you were OLD!

Comment by Terry

Doug is not exactly an attention whore. So he might not be enjoying his birthday as much as we are. Well, SO WHAT? Who cares? Bring on the birthday cake, chocolate please, and the cabana boys. Doug prefers girls but what the heck do we care?

Comment by Mean old lady

Mutha: i hear ya, girlfriend! (actually, 6:30 makes you a much better friend to him than me, i’m hard pressed to get over there anytime before 8) oh… and before i forget, CONGRATULATIONS on your new governor! that was a big win for Massachussetts — and a great one, at that! xox

TLP aka “Blogmama” aka “The grim reaper” (or should that be the “grinning” reaper?): i think you almost said it. or not. doesn’t matter… visions of your blogson jolting awake whilst uttering f*ckf*ck is cracking me up, big time! (as did your new post, by the way!) and yeah… i think we were remiss in not pointing out that he doesn’t have to be 40 until next year. technically that means he’s still a kid. (at least that’s how it was waa-a-ay back when i was his age!) xox

Comment by snuppy birthday to you!

Terry: artichokes? are you insane?? oh wait, maybe not. still…did you pour any barbeque sauce on ’em (i hear he likes his meat red and his veggies on someone else’s plate… but i could be wrong!) xox

Mean Old Lady: laughing. and laughing. and laughing. come sit by me… i’ve got a sh*tload of chocolate, and i’m willing to share. did you bring a deck of cards? (of course, i’ve never been accused of playing with a full one, but i digress…) xox

Comment by snuppy birthday to you!

Thanks, Mo’a. One at a time suits me, though.

Mutha, thanks. It doesn’t take much luring.

TLP/Blogmama/Reaper I have lots of new troubles to get into. Don’t you fret. Maybe this year I’ll even talk to a girl or something.

Thanks, Terry. I appreciate the replacement artichokes. You’re only as old as you feel, lassie.

Mean Old Lady, tell you what. Lose the cabana boys and I’ll be the cabana.

Snuppy, Terry knows I like artichokes. They’re an excellent butter delivery system. I wonder how’d they be with sawmill gravy…

Comment by Walela

Walela: i suspected as much… (i don’t call myself “Nancy” for nothin’) just watch out for that mayo… at your age too much of a good thing could be a problem. (some “good things”, that is. not all.) xox

Comment by snuppy birthday to you!

Happy birthday weekend, Doug!

Comment by actonbell

Neva, why do you call yourself Nancy?

Thanks, Actonbell and the same to your husband.

Comment by Walela

Well I’m not big on birthday parties, especially big ones, but I couldn’t miss the irony of a big birthday party for a self-proclaimed curmudgeon…even if I have to sneak in late and do my best to stay relatively unnoticed…

Comment by Square-ish Girl

Snuppy: I am floating around the Democratic stratosphere here in the state of Massachusetts. Deval Patrick, Rumsfeld resigns, the House and the Senate — all this and Doug’s birthday in one week. I do believe I am woozy.

Comment by Mutha

Walela: Nancy… as in “Nancy Drew”. hello? sheesh. try to keep up, will ya? xox

Square-ish Girl: we’ll just smile and try to pretend we didn’t see you… 🙂 xox

Mutha: i hear ya! it’s a lot of happiness to try and contend with in such a short time, that’s for sure! my head is spinning as well (tho’, i think we’ll agree that’s not necessarily a new phenomenon) xox

Comment by snuppy birthday to you!

HUH. The Amoeba has been hanging around me? Well, let us say that there would be more than merde on the plate!

Merde est un mot pour un principiant mon ami… un jour peut etre tu aprendra des autres choses mais ça ne sera pas avec moi! Et quand je parle français, il y des choses plus delicieux que merde, je tássure! BIEN SÛR!

😉

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Happy Birthday, Dougie! You are hittin’ your prime, you lucky dog!

Comment by Cindra

Square, I caught you smirking. Again.

Mutha, the week and I are historic.

Snuppy, that should have been obvious. Nice going, Sherlock.

Ma souer, vous etres plus belle en autres langues.

Thanks, Cindra. I started old and I’m working my way back.

Everyone, thank you all very much for this. To all of you a good night. To the three who started this, I owe you a special debt. See you in the morning.

Comment by Walela

Well done everybody!
This sure was a fun party and eventhough you arrive late (Square!) you´ll never go un-noticed!

Those robe and cigars I gave you sure look fine on you, but couldn´t you wait until we all had left to try them on? *rolls eyes*

now everybody, let´s collect the gift wrappings that aren´t torn yet, put them neatly into a pile and I´ll iron them later.
snuppy, what do you mean you are tired? You are in charge of cleaning all the glasses and lampy…please get going on stitching the couch back together. When I moved in here, Bobo gave me the keys for this place along with a reminder that cleaning up after ourselves will be my responsibility…chopchop!

yes Dougie, you can take your Winnie the Pooh party hat home with you!

Comment by Penguin

Doug–kind of find it unbelievable that you made it to 40 after all the things you did when young

Hate to say this, but you’re still my white knight so hope that you’re having an incredible birthday

Comment by pia

[…] LAMPSHA and Snuppy’s only regret is that they didn’t have their hands on this informative video prior to the Almost Birthday Party they threw here a few days ago. Both feel certain a rousing rendition of Jimmy Cracked Corn sung around the piano would have been the perfect icebreaker. They liked the idea of games, too. Especially that one with the cards. That’s just good clean fun for everyone. Lampsha and Snuppy have vowed to improve their party planning/throwing skills, and are feverishly working on a “to do” list for their next special carnival (designed for gay entertainment?), even as you read. […]

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