Central Snark


Holiday Wish by Snuppy
Friday, 22 December 2006, 8:40am
Filed under: cracks us up, holidays

IF we could be granted ONE Holiday blogging wish, it would be to read each and every one of your blogs each and every day and be able to leave lovely and/or clever comments in order to make you all smile.

AND if we had but TWO Holiday blogging wishes, we’d ask first to read each and every one of your blogs each and every day so we could leave lovely and/or clever comments to make you all smile, and then to be able to Snark our way into the Technorati 100, because that would be so sweet. 

GRANTED more wishes — say THREE, perhaps? — would allow us to read/comment/make you all smile; snag that sweet spot in the Technorati top 100;  and then we’d ask for every person who ever sent us SPAM to burn in Blogger’s hell, where they’d spend all of eternity reading their own crap: “Hello, nice site. I have found your website great. Now if you please to read mine, too and as well? Linking for your ease in finding my many sites.” Linking for our ease in finding his/her many freaking sites, which, to date, number in the 1000’s. Man we hate that shit, and that includes yours, Mr. Skin.  

AH, but what if we had FOUR bloggy Holiday wishes? Well those first three, for sure, and then we’d like to find ourselves winning $942 million in some Giant Global Blogging-Lotto thing that doesn’t exist, but would just so we could get our hands on a big fat check. We certainly don’t know what it’s like to be filthy stinking rich, but we bet we’d be darling at it. (apologies to Dorothy Parker)

FINALLY, if someone granted us FIVE wishes, we’d ask for all that other stuff — in a different order, tho’, ‘cuz, really? What’re the odds we’ll get to read and/or comment on everyone’s blog every goddam day, huh? Nah, that ain’t happenin’, we know it, you know it, and so does the Blog Fairy hanging around waiting to grant this shit. So we’d probably go ahead and drop that first wish and/or save it for later, but definitely keep the other ones, since they seem doable — then we’d wish for everyone to see a classic holiday skit featuring STEVE MARTIN that aired on SNL years ago. Why? Because it was funny, and, um, that’s where we ripped off got the idea for this post.

UNFORTUNATELY, that clip’s now been removed from YouTube for reasons that remain unclear. Needless to say we’re pissed off disappointed. Hopefully the following little “fanciful” holiday video, courtesy ROBOT CHICKEN will help keep the Christmas Spirit — and/or at the very least our sense of humor — alive. (Phyllis Diller as “Mrs. Claus/Christmas Monster”? That’s funny.)

ALRIGHTY then. You’ve heard from us, and we tried to let you hear from Steve Martin — but thanks to those bastard people at YouTube and/or NBC, that ain’t happenin’. So, what the hell, we guess it’s your turn to share. What noble and/or self-indulgent holiday wish would you like to make? Oh, but before you answer, know this: try to horn in on our Kajillion dollar Global Blog-Lotto scheme, and you can be damn sure the only thing you’ll get is a smack in the head with the wish we’re saving, that’s currently stuck on the back of our hand.

~snuppy

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28 Comments so far
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we know it’s silly, but some of us — okay, at least one of us (me) was tickled pink (or, since it’s the holidays, should that be red & white?) to find this video, which was only uploaded to YouTube a couple of days ago (i know, because i started looking for it before Thanksgiving).

of course, now that i’ve had time to rethink the whole “wishing” thing — taking into consideration that crappy-sweater-wearing bitch i encountered on the road yesterday, i might have to add her in to that third wish. as far as i’m concerned she can burn in Hell alongside Mr. Skin and all those other assholes who fill our “spam catcher” on a daily basis with more links than you can shake a sharp (yet festive?) stick at. oy.

hope everyone’s day goes well… should i be worried that i still haven’t mailed out our gifts for some family members (including one son) who are currently in California? yeah… that’s what i thought. that’s why Fed Ex is my best friend this time of the year. xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Ummm, LBP, quickie? Did you say quickie?

Sorry. I’d wish all the blessings of this most blessed of holidays for all my blogger friends.

And, a quickie.

Comment by Al

And, a Smith and Wesson .38 caliber automatic and 200 rounds of ammunition for Snuppy.

Comment by Al

um, Al? is this a conversation you should be having with Mrs. Al? i know she’s a lesbian and all, but maybe… just maybe in the spirit of Peace, Love, and Joy, and all that other stuff? (just sayin’, you’ve had that look in your eye for a couple of days now, and we worry.) want Mr. Skin’s e-mail address? maybe he can help. xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

moi? i’m TELLING you… i’m a sweet girl. nice, even. honestly? i’m the one who STOPS fights. except, that is, when stupid bitches block traffic and/or start screaming obscenities at poor *innocent* me. i hate that. i really do. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

The Postal Service today announced that there’s still plenty of time left to mail those gifts, Snuppy. With just three days to go, they’re only halfway to their anticipated number of lost packages this year. So, bring ’em on in! Or, if you prefer, you can just lose ’em yourself.

(And, all snarkiness aside for just one sentence: God Bless All You Wonderful Snarksters. 🙂

Comment by Al

awwww…. Al. we wish the same to you!! xox 🙂

Comment by snuppy

I wish all the world’s poorest a plate of spare ribs, plenty of barbecue sauce and a dog to give the bones to. Even if it is harem.

Comment by Doug

Forget the quickie. Pass the ribs. Thanks, Doug.

Comment by Al

Hummm a holiday wish? Healthy, happy well adjusted children! I know its a tall order around here but that is what I’m going to wishfor damnit!

Comment by cj

One of my all-time favorite Steve Martin and SNL skits…a true classic. I get to share in the kajillion dollar blogger lotto, right? Hello? Hello? Yours is mine, mine is yours, right? Are you there?

I would join in wishing all of our blogger friends the best holiday season ever experienced.

I would wish for perfect triple grande soy no whip mochas (TGSNWM) each and every time ordered…the cold one a couple of days ago was very upsetting.

I would wish for a teleporter that would instantly transport me from our home to office and back, sparing me the frustration, nay the indignity, of the morning and evening commute. Of course it stands to reason that if there was such technology and we could afford it I wouldn’t have to commute…so back to the kajillion dollar lottery win…

Happy, happy, joy, joy, to one and all!

Comment by Joel

Al, he said for the world’s poorest! Are they Kosher by the way?

Well, I wish health and happiness and prosperity to each and every one of you and your families. I wish that the world would move towards Justice as defined by Kindergarten standards and for an attempt at understanding.

Now what’s so funny bout peace, love and understanding? Love and peace to you all ~

Comment by Lampy Cratchit

Poor people get all the cool free stuff.

Comment by Al

Sigh…it said the video was no longer available. What the!!

And Al…you missed the quickie…again? You’re not good to me at all.

What would I wish for? A piece of the lottery winning but as a bonafide snarkster…I’m in right? Automatically? Hrm…what would I wish for? Peace on earth is nice but really? Is it doable? So I guess I’ll waste my wish on something selfish and say: slap a bow on the guy I want and stuff him under my duvet. Yeah…that’d work.

Dear Santa…

Comment by littlebluepill

“This video is no longer available.” I guess I get coal. 😦

You’re just lucky you remind me of an Aardvark.

Comment by Diesel

I have a holiday wish. I wish that all the friends I have made this year will have a happy, safe and peaceful holiday season. I wish that the joy they feel in their families will never leave them and 2007 is the year will dreams come true.

Thank you one and all for all your love and support since we have met.

Love Brian, Dewy, Bernard, Pit Bull and Little Brian

Comment by Brian

AIEEEEEE! those bastards!!! stupid freaking razzum frazzum YouTube and/or NBC!!!

one can only assume (if “one” is delusional, which, of course, i am) that this has something to do with my unfortunate encounter with that DAMN BITCHY DRIVER FROM HELL yesterday — why *else* would we be deprived this video. i KNEW she was a ho. xoxo

Comment by snuppy

Brian: by “those bastards” i meant the aforementioned YouTube and/or NBC, of course, and not you, Dewy, et al! 😉

Comment by snuppy

awwww… What a sweet post. Especially the one about eh spanners reading their own crap. (smile)

I do hope the Snark makes it to the top 100 one day. Hey, it could happen, ya never know!

Like others, I couldn’t see the video, but I think I remember the skit, though.

Comment by Pavel

aw… thanks Pavel! it was a sweet video — too bad ya can’t see it. this new one is… well… not so sweet. but after my crappy encounter with an even crappier driver yesterday and now THIS (the not being able to share Steve Martin), all bets are off. Dragon Ball Z Christmas? works for me. hopefully some of you will agree! we’ll get out all our aggressions today, then share the “love” throughout the holiday weekend. xox

anyone got a problem with that?

Comment by One Hot Puppy

A double feature today! Yipee! And this one exemplifies the very spirit of…Central Snark. What you thought I was going to say Christmas? Love the drummer boy’s pose and drumstick drop…makes me laugh every time.

Do we still get the kajillion dollar lotto?

Comment by Joel

ROFL!!! Boy, that video explains a lot! That was pretty good. This morning I had put up a video of Regis singing Christmas songs with Donald Trump making an appearance. That one is just stupid next to this…

Comment by Pavel

Hmmm, I’d wish for universal peace and understanding which would solve a myriad of problems. Just sayin. But selfishly, I’d wish for a fancy shmancy private jet and car service so I could really go meet all my blogger buddies and do it in fantasty style! Assuming the kajillion dollar lotto didn’t come through (perish the thought!) and the transporting machine, Joel could borrow it for commuting when not in use.

Happy Holidays my beloved snarksters!

Comment by Sar

I really really want to understand how Doug’s mind works. Wow, a holiday wish

Comment by pia

Awww, NBC and SNL wanna make it up to you, Snuppy!

Comment by Al

(wonder if its too late to get a refund on those Uggs… Don’t need ’em now… 😉

Comment by Al

There is always one: If I had a wish, I´d wish for three more wishes 🙂
I am one of those *raises hands*

This was one wacky season greeting for sure. That Snata/snowman thing freaked teh livign daylights out of me. I´ll postpone going to sleep for another half an hour or so.

Wonderful weekend to all of you!

Comment by Penguin

Joel/Bobo: where would we be without sons who lovelovelove Adult Swim? think of the great programming we might have missed! xox

Pavel: Regis and The Donald??? aieeeeeeeeeeee! xox

Pia: yep. that boy is an enigma wrapped in a mystery surrounded by marshmallows & chocolate. keeps us on our toes, tho’, right? (happy holidays to you, dear friend… that e-mail? oh. how i WISH i could say i’m finishing it — but i just barely got my shopping/wrapping/shipping out of the way. aieee. it’s coming, tho’ — no, really.) 😉 xox

Sar: i’m just sayin’ i could do a lot with a kajillion bucks. i’d even buy you that jet — but ONLY if it meant you’d use it to come up here and see me! xox

Al: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! that was great! not “Steve Martin” great, but pretty damn close! as for those UGGS… what??? why??? xox

Penguin: there’s our girl! and see? that Santa/Snowman was meant to make you realize that it’s okay not to have snow for a few days… and for heaven’s sake, don’t be postponing sleep. a busy girl like you (with all that extra work) needs to get all the rest she can.

as for the wishes? i’m with you… one wish would *definitely* be for MORE wishes, which i’d then gladly share with my friends!! xox

Comment by snuppy




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