Central Snark


Own a Canadian (sorry LBP!) & Piss Away! by Snuppy
Wednesday, 31 January 2007, 9:38am
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps, cracks us up

Yes, ’tis me, Catty Yummy Mummy, (and yes, I am shamelessly plugging myself as I am back in the blogosphere after a 15 day hiatus, or did you not notice dammit, and much plugging is needed, I am afraid, in order to be back in the game *sighetty sigh* and all that jazz) and, once again, I am here in a completely unoriginal manner, stealing much amazing content from my dear friend Pink Drama, and have nothing much to add as an intro but can you blame me? Pissing on oneself out of sheer laughing-one’s-ass-off mirth can do that to the best of bohemians I am afraid! So read up, and piss away with me why dontcha?

October 2002
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

Run, run, RUUUUN to the bathroom NOW! As for me, off I go to the goddamn dentist for oral activity of the not-so-pleasurable kind. *sigh* But first, some dry pants are in order! Ay!

And with that, yep, you got it…

BoheMia OUT!

Advertisements


The Oscar Grouch by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 30 January 2007, 9:29am
Filed under: Pop! goes the Diesel

Have you ever been stuck entertaining someone you don’t really know that well and don’t seem to have anything in common with? Like maybe your great aunt Hilda from Milwaukee comes to visit your mom and she brings her grand-nephew Tolbert along because he was off this semester and Hilda needed someone along to remind her to take her pills, so while mom and Hilda are catching up, you’re stuck with Tolbert, desperately trying to find some point of commonality beyond both being carbon-based life forms.

So you say “Let’s go see a movie,” because worst-case-scenario at least you’re free from trying to make conversation about the weather for two hours, right? Of course you’ve been dying to see The Groan of Zombies or Harry Potter and the Slide into Satanism, but you don’t want to impose your eclectic tastes on poor Tolbert. And Tolbert, being the personality-challenged lump of carbon-based protoplasm he is, just keeps saying, “Oh, whatever you want to see is fine…” But you know that what he really means is, “If you pick The f—ing Groan of Zombies I’m going to passive-aggressively drip small amounts of mayonnaise on every bit of fabric in your house.”

So you end up picking That Movie That All the Critics Love. And you sit through it, mildly entertained and marginally edified by its passion, grandeur, and strikingly beautiful people rendered strikingly ugly through the miracle of using makeup to do exactly the opposite of what God created it to do. And you walk out and say to Tolbert, “That was good, huh?” And Tolbert says, “Yeah, it was ok. Too bad we didn’t see The Groan of Zombies though. That looked awesome.” And then you carefully remove the velvet rope from one of those metal support thingies and proceed to strangle and then beat Tolbert to death.

Don't look up!

That, my friends, is how I feel about the Oscars. It’s the lowest common denominator method of recognizing Great Achievement in Film. You know what an Oscar nomination tells you about a movie? It tells you that it’s the kind of film that could get an Oscar. That’s it. In fact, sometimes it doesn’t even tell you that much, because We at the Academy may just have nominated it because recognizing films about gay cowboys makes us feel Enlightened. Then, after getting the hopes up of gay cowboys everywhere, we’ll give the Oscar to An Important Film about Racism.

Now before you get all pissy with me, let me say that I really liked Crash. I didn’t see Brokeback Mountain, but to be fair I wouldn’t have seen it if it was about the forbidden love between a man and a woman either. Just not my kind of flick. Make it a woman and a woman, and I’d probably make an exception, but then my wife would lose interest, so there you go.

I’ll admit that Oscar-nominated movies are generally pretty good. Take, for example, last year’s nominees:

  • Brokeback Mountain
  • Capote
  • Crash
  • Good Night and Good Luck
  • Munich

These are all Serious, Important movies dealing with Big Issues. I’m sure they’re all watchable, and when they make it to basic cable in a couple of years and I have a few hours to kill, the odds are pretty good that one or more of them will lull me to sleep some lazy Saturday.

Yoda wants to kick some ass

Now as an illustration of just how much we all need the Academy to point us toward quality fare, let’s look at the favorite movies of 2006 as chosen by the knuckle-dragging public:

  • Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith
  • The Chronicles of Narnia” The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe
  • Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
  • War of the Worlds
  • King Kong
  • Wedding Crashers
  • Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
  • Batman Begins

I’ve seen most of these. Revenge of the Sith was decent; much better than the other two Star Wars prequels. The Chronicles of Narnia was quite entertaining as well. I honestly can’t remember if I saw that Harry Potter movie. All Harry Potter movies are lumped together in the same batch of 30-40 neurons in my brain. I’m sorry; I just can’t spare any more room for boy wizards. War of the Worlds was ok. Wedding Crashers is rolling-on-the-floor funny. Not quite as good a time as that screwball gem Munich, but it’s up there.

Best movie ever

Batman Begins is, in my humble opinion, one of the greatest movies ever made. There’s not a chance in hell I would vote for any of those other sombre entries over Batman Begins. It has everything: a meditation on vengeance versus justice; exploration of the idea fear as the ultimate weapon; a thought-provoking examination of the meaning of loyalty… not to mention badass special effects, killer action scenes, romance, and probably the best cast of any movie in years: Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Gary Oldman, Ken Watanabe, Rutger Hauer…. And Katie Holmes is nice to look at.

My point? Sure, the Oscar nominees are all stolid, respectable affairs. But I’d gladly sit through Madagascar, Harry Potter and the Whatever It Is This Time and Attack of the Fifty Foot Scientologists for one chance to see Batman Begins. Meanwhile I bet your Best Picture Winner is collecting dust next to that shiny gold statue.

~Diesel

 



Colbert v. O’Reilly by Snuppy
Monday, 29 January 2007, 9:42am
Filed under: cracks us up

BELIEVE it or not, we intended to do the following post last week, but did not, because we were treated to a couple of happy surprise “pop-in posts” — first by the beautiful BoheMian, CYM, and then by the gorgeous gal behind the red glitter lips, LBP. As a result, we wound up tossing our own meager offering into the garbage can, since we didn’t know what else to do. Imagine our relief and/or joy to see the delightful post by our dearest NBFF, DJ LAMPSHA, over the weekend, as it provided us with the perfect impetus to pluck our pre-written Colbert-related post right out of the trash, in order to throw it up on the Snark today. And by “throw up” we mean share our words, not our puke. Tho’ you may think this is a pukey post, but then, you didn’t have to rummage through the garbage for it late at night, and who are you to judge us anyway? But, we digress. We had this post, and now we get to use it. Yay.

BEST TELEVISION EVER. A couple of weeks ago, an “exchange” of quips and/or ideals occurred between two forces to be reckoned with. Well, we’d prefer to reckon with only one of the forces, because we truly believe he’s a breath of fresh air, while the other is a sack of shit windbag. We’re speaking, of course, of the guest appearances of Stephen Colbert (breath of fresh air) on Bill O’Reilly’s (sack of shit windbag) The Factor, and then O’Reilly’s on The Colbert Report. When all was said and done and TiVo-ed, O’Reilly got totally pwn3d. Naturally, we have no idea what happens when someone gets “pwn3d”, but we think it’s bad, and we’re quite sure it applies to O’Reilly.

IN THIS CORNER, Steven Colbert on The Factor:

IN THIS CORNER: O’Reilly’s weak attempt to but barbs with Colbert.

WE laughed, we cried, we renewed our cable subscription to ensure we’d never miss an episode of the Colbert Report for as long as Stephen’s on the air. By the way, along with the sheer elegance of Colbert’s zingers (for instance his remark that O’Reilly has no idea what it’s like to be victimized by a  sex offender. Or the book with a 30% off tag covering O’Reilly’s face. Or that picture of O’Reilly dressed as an “undercover secular progressive”) — we were on the floor in stitches over the sheer inanity of O’Reilly’s responses (not to mention his utter cluelessness as to what was happening). Surely that’s what it means to get “pwn3d”, Shirley. That said, the following week Colbert very nearly pwn3d HIMSELF, which was, needless to say, hilarious — and by “hilarious”, we mean check out that link when you get a chance, because it is HILARIOUS.

ALSO, at the end of the program, Colbert showed the audience a microwave oven he said he’d swiped from The Factor’s green room. Apparently… that was true. Friday morning, O’Reilly called in to FOX News show (while they were on air) to complain about Colbert’s shenanigans. Okay, we never watch that show, so maybe he was laughing about the aforementioned shenanigans, but, either way, COLBERT STOLE A MICROWAVE OVEN in order to display it on his own set. That sound you just heard was the crushing of O’Reilly’s fragile ego, after gettin’ pwn3d three times in a row. Oh snap.

FINALLY, not related to Colbert, trash, stolen microwaves, puke or anything else we’ve discussed thus far, we have a question, in the form of a … er… question. What do you think we should be calling DIESEL’S regular Tuesday features? We’re thinking Diesel’s Reel to Reel, or Diesel Gets Reel, or Diesel is Reely Funny, or Diesel Will be up a Reel Shit Creek if He Fails to do a Post for Us Tomorrow. Thoughts and/or suggestions will be appreciated. Reely.

~snuppy



SATURDAY SPIN ™ by Snuppy
Saturday, 27 January 2007, 10:37am
Filed under: Lampsha Spins

Well I think Snuppy and I have deemed this week suck (thanks Actonbell for showing us another usage for the word suck because really, you can never have too many).  Oh and didn’t I have the best blues song to share with you but I just can’t find it anywhere.  Unless somebody can tell me how to get it from iTunes here.  Or alternately, you could each sign up to call me on the phone and I would play it for you.  If that’s not convoluted enough, send me an email to discuss.

Now then, and in lieu of, or just for something completely different, this week we have a group who was on many critics best of 2006 list. I’ve been meaning to feature them for some time but one thing leads to the next and it’s January. The group is The Decemberists and their album, The Crane Wife, was the inspiration for being best. The story behind the album is linked prior and is interesting indeed.  I don’t have the cd so this is not a review but rather — here’s someone fun, go check them out. What songs I’ve heard I’ve enjoyed.  Although I’m not playing a song from this album, instead featured is the song, Sixteen Military Wives and is from an earlier album, Picaresque. It’s a lot of fun and kind of endears them to me. Catchy, fun, artsy. Oh what the hell am I writing a personal ad? See for yourselves. And you can check out the songs from The Crane Wife through their page linked above. 

The Decemberists had a video out for the song, O Valenica! which was set to a plain green background. They apparently put out a challenge for fans to come up with their own video for the song (Hey Tom, Icy would be perfect for that). So the following clip is Stephen Colbert’s response to that. Snuppy, did you know that Stephen Colbert had his own 80’s group? Amazing. Where will his talents take us next? 

So all, I’m off to violin school, an orchestra recital then hopefully being returned to my own green screen. Feel free to fill in the video of what I’ll be doing.

Relaxing — or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Hope you all are too. Have a great weekend.

~ DJ LAMPSHA 



Right Size? by littlebluepill
Friday, 26 January 2007, 7:35am
Filed under: LBP's Rx, music music

jenna's avatarFrom the scary place that is LBP’s mind. You’ve been warned.

It truly amazes me at what young minds pick up. My friend’s three year old snarked back at her when she asked him how he knew something (can’t remember what) “Duh, Mom, I watch tv y’know.” Truthfully had he been mine, “Not anymore” might have come from my mouth.

On Sunday I hit the mall with my brother. I think this is the first time since we had to go to the mall with our mom as kids that I’ve been shopping with Bro. He woke me up at 9:30 that morning and said “Good morning, lovely sister.” Lovely sister grunted in response. “Do you know what your nephew said this morning?” “Let Auntie sleep in?” “Nope. Hey, let’s take Auntie to the mall. Hey buddy, wanna say hi to Auntie.” Manipulation!!! Raspy breathing comes into the phone and I realized that I was going to be going to the mall. “Hi Auntie.” “Hi baby.” More breathing then the phone is dropped. Damn. “Yeah yeah, I’ll be ready.” “Great! We’ll do Petland first.”

Swell. I hang up, crawl across the bed while muttering about brothers who use unfair tactics to get me out of bed. It is a well known fact that I will say no to my little brother. My nephew? Mm not so much. Yeah yeah, Auntie Sucker. Shut up.

Off we go to Petland and nephew makes a beeline for the display where a rabbit is hopping around. “Bunny.” He looks at me. “Up we go.” Right then and there I started to laugh. All throughout the store: “Up we go.” Then came the battle to get the container of crickets away from him before he opened it. Aaaaahck!! The, ugh, snake being carried around. Can we go back to the fluffy bunnies and kitten who had eyed us with sleepy blue eyes? Why yes…yes we can when the little guy makes a break for it. And forget my brother trying to pick him up. Everytime he did, my guy would go limp and call for me. Ha! Favorite. Yessssss!

Fast forward: The Bay. Bro is buying my sister-in-law a birthday present and off my guy and I go. Right next to the jewellry is the lingerie. Well. We had to walk past the nylon panties 50 times so he could run his hand over them. Hi Mr. Eye-in-the-Sky! Meet my pervy little 2 year old nephew! (My brother beamed with pride when I relayed this.) Then we hit the nightgowns as he declared his colors then upon finding some velour nightgown/housecoat/something he said “It’s cute.” I looked at him. “What?” He beamed and then every time he took a bra (even long johns in plastic bags were subjected to this) off the rack: “It’s cute. Cuuuute. It’s cute!” Then came the moment of the day: “It’s cute! Right size?” (And actually every bra plucked free was cute. Wrong size though.)

Someone is spending waaaaay too much time with his mom in the lingerie department.


In case you’re wondering about the video. It’s a clip from How I Met Your Mother…see the whole thing in all its face slapping glory here. Gonna rock your body ’til Canada Day!!

Ha! I bet by the title you thought I was going to talk about penises. Yeesh, it’s about my nephew you pervs.



An Oral Exercise… by Snuppy
Thursday, 25 January 2007, 8:41am
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps, FYI (ish)

Hola Snarksters! Yep, ’tis me, the almost-vanished-but-not-quite-gone-as-I-am-fighting-to-make-it-back-and-so-I-will-and-I-shall-and-I-MUST-DAMMIT Catty Yummy Mummy, or Miz BoheMia, whatever and blah, blah, blah and yeah, as you can see, oh so eloquent am I! SO… for all you faboo Snarksters who are as eloquent as I am, read up, flex those mouth muscles and get ready for an adventure in English pronunciation, stolen fair and square from here!

Ready?

Set?

GO!

Dearest creature in creation,
Study English pronunciation.
I will teach you in my verse
Sounds like corpse, corps, horse, & worse.
I will keep you, Suzy, busy,
Make your head with heat grow dizzy.
Tear in eye, your dress will tear.
So shall I! Oh hear my prayer.
Just compare heart, beard, and heard,
Dies and diet, lord and word,
Sword and sward, retain and Britain.
(Mind the latter, how it’s written.)
Now I surely will not plague you
With such words as plaque and ague.
But be careful how you speak:
Say break and steak, but bleak and streak;
Cloven, oven, how and low,
Script, receipt, show, poem, and toe.
Hear me say, devoid of trickery,
Daughter, laughter, and Terpsichore,
Typhoid, measles, topsails, aisles,
Exiles, similes, and reviles;
Scholar, vicar, and cigar,
Solar, mica, war and far;
One, anemone, Balmoral,
Kitchen, lichen, laundry, laurel;
Gertrude, German, wind and mind,
Scene, Melpomene, mankind.
Billet does not rhyme with ballet,
Bouquet, wallet, mallet, chalet.
Blood and flood are not like food,
Nor is mould like should and would.
Viscous, viscount, load and broad,
Toward, to forward, to reward.
And your pronunciation’s OK
When you correctly say croquet,
Rounded, wounded, grieve and sieve,
Friend and fiend, alive and live.

Ivy, privy, famous; clamour
And enamour rhyme with hammer.
River, rival, tomb, bomb, comb,
Doll and roll and some and home.
Stranger does not rhyme with anger,
Neither does devour with clangour.
Souls but foul, haunt but aunt,
Font, front, wont, want, grand, and grant,
Shoes, goes, does. Now first say finger,
And then singer, ginger, linger,
Real, zeal, mauve, gauze, gouge and gauge,
Marriage, foliage, mirage, and age.

Query does not rhyme with very,
Nor does fury sound like bury.
Dost, lost, post and doth, cloth, loth.
Job, nob, bosom, transom, oath.
Though the differences seem little,
We say actual but victual.
Refer does not rhyme with deafer.
Foeffer does, and zephyr, heifer.
Mint, pint, senate and sedate;
Dull, bull, and George ate late.
Scenic, Arabic, Pacific,
Science, conscience, scientific.

Liberty, library, heave and heaven,
Rachel, ache, moustache, eleven.
We say hallowed, but allowed,
People, leopard, towed, but vowed.
Mark the differences, moreover,
Between mover, cover, clover;
Leeches, breeches, wise, precise,
Chalice, but police and lice;
Camel, constable, unstable,
Principle, disciple, label.

Petal, panel, and canal,
Wait, surprise, plait, promise, pal.
Worm and storm, chaise, chaos, chair,
Senator, spectator, mayor.
Tour, but our and succour, four.
Gas, alas, and Arkansas.
Sea, idea, Korea, area,
Psalm, Maria, but malaria.
Youth, south, southern, cleanse and clean.
Doctrine, turpentine, marine.

Compare alien with Italian,
Dandelion and battalion.
Sally with ally, yea, ye,
Eye, I, ay, aye, whey, and key.
Say aver, but ever, fever,
Neither, leisure, skein, deceiver.
Heron, granary, canary.
Crevice and device and aerie.

Face, but preface, not efface.
Phlegm, phlegmatic, ass, glass, bass.
Large, but target, gin, give, verging,
Ought, out, joust and scour, scourging.
Ear, but earn and wear and tear
Do not rhyme with here but ere.
Seven is right, but so is even,
Hyphen, roughen, nephew Stephen,
Monkey, donkey, Turk and jerk,
Ask, grasp, wasp, and cork and work.

Pronunciation — think of Psyche!
Is a paling stout and spikey?
Won’t it make you lose your wits,
Writing groats and saying grits?
It’s a dark abyss or tunnel:
Strewn with stones, stowed, solace, gunwale,
Islington and Isle of Wight,
Housewife, verdict and indict.

Finally, which rhymes with enough —
Though, through, plough, or dough, or cough?
Hiccough has the sound of cup.
My advice is to give up!!!

Oooh! Faboo indeed! Now do it again! Only this time, open up them bocas and say it loud and PROUD! And if anyone questions you, tell them if Miz BoheMia does it, it’s all cool… yeah, a lesson in self confidence is next but for now, get back to enunciating and pronunciating bitches!

As for me, you know the drill!

BoheMia OUT!



The Rainbow by Snuppy
Wednesday, 24 January 2007, 9:07am
Filed under: cracks us up

YOU know what’s difficult? What’s “difficult” is trying to follow a fabulous post like the one DIESEL did yesterday, which made everyone laugh, even as it challenged us to dig deep in order to conjure up a little creativity. What’s also difficult is trying to follow that post after a merciless attack by a curmudgeonly cat who wanted nothing to do with being brushed out, even tho’ he’s covered in tangles. Yep, opposable thumbs are a good thing, too bad we can’t use ours. Finally, what’s “difficult”, is needing a little inspiration, looking to a loved one for help, and realizing the “fruit of your womb” has a jaded sense of humor that you have to exploit because, well, you just do.

SOME people have children who are evil. Not just “evil”, mind you, but EE-VILL. For only an “EE-VILL” child would share the following video with his mom. A sweet mom. A loving mom. A prim and proper mom. Not that we know anyone like that, mind you, but if we did, we’d make sure that “mom” knew about her EE-VILL kids, so she’d never have to see the kinds of goofy crap our own children bring to our attention every time we agree to unchain ’em from the radiator and/or let ’em out of the basement.

THIS little clip is from a popular British children’s television show called THE RAINBOW, that aired on ITV from 1972-1992. Now we can’t be sure, but we’re just gonna guess this “episode” was taped towards the end of its run. Maybe even after they found out it was about to be cancelled. Apparently everyone was drunk when they did it — which, we suppose, explains a lot.

BY the way, Oscar® winning actor Jeremy Irons got his start on this show — and later went on to star in the remake of Lolita. Coincidence? We wonder…

~snuppy