Central Snark


The Year in Film, Snark Style by mattresspolice
Thursday, 4 January 2007, 9:32am
Filed under: flix, Pop! goes the Diesel

diesel avatarIMAGINE OUR SURPRISE. Well, not so much “surprise”, as amusement. Well, not so much “amusement”, as glee. Well, not so much “glee”, and consternation. Well, okay, so we don’t know what the hell we were, but that’s beside the point. The point, for we so desperately want to have one, is that one bright and cheery day, a certain young man popped his greasy/money-grubbing nose into the Snark Park, tried to get his hands on Princess James’ fortune before we could chase him away with our brooms and/or dust-busters, and we haven’t been able to get rid of him, since. Not that we want to. We’re speaking (in that annoyingly halting fashion of ours) of DIESEL, as clever/funny and, yes, snarky a guy as we have ever had the pleasure to know, read, and/or beg to contribute as many clever thoughts/witticisms/words as he can spare to our humble blog.

WHEN you go visit him at his own humble-yet-hilarious blog, MATTRESS POLICE, try not to be too put off by some of his links and/or blatant/whorish-yet-hilarious attempts to boost his own readership. Some of those links — which, like a couple of his posts, appear to be (gasp) misogynistic — are actually pretty damn funny, and his blatant/whorish-yet-hilarious attempts to drive people to his blog is something we happen to find… endearing. But then, like the cheap dates we are, we’re easy to please. ~snuppy

* * * * *

When I began my blogging career not too long ago one of the first sites that I came across in my quest for kindred spirits whom I could cynically manipulate to increase my traffic was Central Snark. This, I thought, was my kind of site. First of all, it was Central. No more breaking down in a bad section of the Interweb looking for a quick fix of gratuitous sarcasm. No driving to Modesto and cruising 9th Street for half an hour searching for a woman who really understands me only to find that I’m the lucky guy to put “Jolene” over the top in her goal to raise $18,000 for the operation. Central Snark was conveniently located practically right outside my front door, much like the gaping septic pipe trench that I have to step over sixteen times a day.

Second, it was Snark. I dig snark. Snark is my middle name. Honestly, it’s my grandmother’s maiden name. Originally it was Stark, but there was a mix-up at Ellis Island.

At last I had found a site that really spoke to me. And what’s really great is that it’s run by some very nice ladies. I mean, just super nice. Like your aunt who used to give you cookies and whiskey shots when your mom wasn’t watching. That nice. So nice, in fact, that occasionally they forget to be snarky. I suggested that they change the name of the site to CentralNiceLadies.com, but it turns out that domain is already taken by some ladies who seem nice, but more in the manner of your uncle who used to want you to play hide-and-seek with him in his El Camino.

So they came to me and said, “Hey Diesel, you’re kind of a jerk. Why don’t you write something super-snarky for us, so that the Snark Bureau doesn’t yank our snark license?” And I was like, yeah, whatever, because I’m kind of a jerk.

Anyway, I asked what I should write about and they said, “Write what you know.” Well, that was all the inspiration I needed. I jotted down:

If your computer freezes up, do not put it in the microwave to “thaw it out.”

The nice ladies were so thrilled with this brillaint missive that they suggested that I “flesh it out” a bit by adding some stuff I didn’t know, and maybe taking out the stuff that I did know.

So I decided to write about the top ten most overrated movies of 2006. The problem is that while I have a 56″ TV, I also have no life, which means that I know a lot about the overrated movies of 2005 but very little about those of 2006. Since it’s a bit late to tell you that Murderball was not, in fact, a sequel to the brilliant 2002 dystopian L.L. Cool J epic Rollerball, I’ve decided to imagine how disappointing the movies of 2006 would have been if I had seen them.

The Queen – Am I the only one who thought they totally ripped off The Crying Game?

Letters from Iwo Jima – The letters are, predictably, a, i, j, m, o and w.

United 93 – I just didn’t understand the motivations of the terrorists. And why did they have to be Arabs?

V for Vendetta – It’s just hard to sympathize with a character who only has one facial expression. And shaving her head didn’t improve matters.

Superman Returns – They never explained why Clark Kent and Superman just happened to return at exactly the same time. Also, the two actors looked so much alike that sometimes the only way I could tell them apart was the glasses. Just plain confusing.

Babel – Couldn’t understand a word.

The Departed – Very funny. An empty theater and no movie. Ha ha, you got me.

An Inconvenient Truth – Disappointingly convenient.

Rocky Balboa – A Rocky robot traveling back in time to kill Sylvester Stallone before Rocky V gets made? Who didn’t see that coming?

Casino Royale – I don’t get why James Bond always has to be British. It’s like they don’t even give American actors a chance. Like Britain has anybody who could go toe-to-toe with The Rock.

So what about you? What movies were you disappointed with in 2006? Or might you have been disappointed with, had you seen them?

~Diesel

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39 Comments so far
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hopefully, all of you were able to skim through that lame “intro” in order to get into the meat of this great post… i only decided (or was that “agreed”?) to do an intro in order to link you guys back to Diesel’s blog and/or a few of his posts. Did i mention this guy is witty? hilarious? blatantly/whorishly trying to boost his own readership?? money-grubbing? oh wait, that last one is something we plan to deal with in court. whatever, read HIS post (okay… and his blog), you won’t be sorry.

as for his movie “Pre-views”? as soon as i pick myself up off the floor (Diesel, that “lashing myself into the chair so i won’t fall out when i laugh too hard” thing didn’t work out as well as i’d hoped) i believe i actually *would* like to share a thought or two about a few flicks we didn’t see, either…

THANKS DIESEL for this great (and, did i mention HILARIOUS?) post! we laughed, we cried, we put away our brooms *and* our dust-busters… in hopes you’ll come back again, and OFTEN! xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

I only watch movies with pretty pictures in them, you know like cartoons. πŸ™‚ Anything with a plot just turns me off.

I’d be funnier today, but I am feeling like crap. 😦

Comment by Brian

by the way, the reason i found Superman Returns confusing was because i didn’t know he left. did this happen in Superman IV: the Quest for Peace, Clones, and Beer? or was there another film after that one, that we somehow managed to miss??

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Diesel: A nice and very snarky pick for guest, by those nice, sweet, semi-snarky ladies.

I finally saw Borat on New Year’s Day; does that make it a 2007 Disappointment? I mean, I know it was a documentary and all, but why couldn’t they fudge the ending a little and slip that poor Borat into the sack with Pamela Anderson, just for a one-nighter? Instead, they end the flick back in Kazakhstan, among the ugly people with the rubber prosthetic arms and farm animals and its all just so depressing.

Anyway, great seeing you here today, Diesel, you shameless whore. Hurry back.

NOT.

(That’s funny if you saw the movie. Trust me.)

Comment by Al

What I liked about Superman Returns, Snuppy, was the introduction of Superbastard. It’ll be interesting to see where they take that cute little guy…

Comment by Al

Diesel, welcome and other than being characterized as one of your aunts, it was a fine fine post. And I couldn’t be happier to see you up in lights in The Snark.

Now then, movies of 2006, a topic that I am vastly underqualified to discuss as I’m still catching up on flicks from the turn of the century. I can’t even think of the ones that I really wanted to see this year. I’m more of an art house flick chick, but I’d like to play along. So from the Top Ten Movies of the Year (none of which I seem to remember), two caught my eye:

Let’s Go to Prison: complete with movie promo showing the obligatory bar of soap sudsing up at the bottom of the shower. Where can it go from here I ask?

and

Deja Vu which states “everyone has experienced the unsettling mystery of Deja Vu…” Why yes, now that you mention it I am experiencing it right now as I see Denzel Washington (fine as he is) looking pensively over his shoulder in the movie poster. How different can this be from all of his others I end up wondering.

It’s enough to make me avoid the movies in 2007 – almost. And AL, stop giving away the end of movies!

Comment by Lampy & Ebert

One Hot Puppy – Thanks for the intro. It was, to use a word that I’ve apparently coined, brillaint. And yes, I’m a licensed misogynist in 31 states.

Brain – May I suggest The Fountain?

Al – What is it if I haven’t seen the movie? I love “Superbastard”, btw. And what a great idea for a character. Someone with all the powers of Superman but without his susceptibility to Kryptonite. Way to remove the only relatable thing about Superman, guys.

Lampy – Those Denzel movies are getting a little hard to tell apart, aren’t they? Oh, and I hope Ebert gets better soon. Or you could stick with Aisha Tyler. Meow!

Comment by Diesel

Deez: if you haven’t seen Borat, that was a little rude. So, go see it. Turns out Superbastard’s allergic to peanuts and soy products. The drama comes in the next flick, when he meets Abbott and Costello for lunch in LA.

Lampy, I saw Deja Vu. Want me to tell you how it ends? Again? And, Hey! You’re an art house flick chick? Oh wow, gimme me a minute here… Man, that was somethin’.

Comment by Al

Great post. I heard several cymbals clanging.

I’m not sure I saw any movies in 2006, but if I had I would have been very disappointed in For Your Consideration, because Snuppy is a fellow Christopher Guest fan and she wrote a lot about how she would go see it and next to nothing about having seen it. That’s a bad sign.

Comment by Willie

Letters from Iwo Jima – The letters are, predictably, a, i, j, m, o and w. Hee-hee.

I haven’t seen Superman Returns but I’m very confused how come Cyclops can now wander around without his Cyclops shades on. I mean…wtf? Did he and Superman have an laser eyeball fight?

And Transporter 2? Who told sexy Jason Statham he could wear shirts in this one? Harrumph. (Was this 2006? Can’t remember. I just remember being really pissed he ran around dressed for 100% of the movie. Although in Crank…you see his bare ass. HIS. BARE. ASS!!! I so gots to see that. I’ll probably wind up licking my tv. Sigh.)

Comment by littlebluepill

πŸ™‚ I thought the Iwo Jima quip was the best too Jenna. Great job Diesel.

Erick and I went to see Ultra Violet – we knew it was going to be a shitty movie but went just to get out of the house. With that being said we were amazed that the movie was shittier than expected and even more amazed that a movie that shitty would be permitted off the movie lot. Oy!!!! Really, shittiest movie of all time.

The other terrible movie we saw was Bubba Ho-Tep. It was terrible. But it was so terrible we enjoyed it.

Comment by cj

I checked at 1 for theater times to see “Tenacious D”, was told it was playing at 1:30 at a theater 15 minutes away, hopped in my car at 1:05, and arrived at theater as they were yanking the letters off the marquis. I guess I’ll have to drive faster next time?

Comment by Al

Al: we didn’t see Borat, yet, either — but i’ve seen enough movie trailers to get the joke. NOT. (we’re now waiting for the DVD…which is how we see most “new” releases these days.) xox

Lampsha & Ebert: i agree with both of you on *both* those calls — love Denzel, pretty sure we’ve seen him in this movie a few times, already. xox

Diesel: “brillaint“?? what are you saying?? that my intro sucked? hey, i gave you a chance to write your own damn intro, bub… (just sayin’… i had to whip that up on the “fly”, if by “fly” i mean — “oh my God, the cleaning lady is coming today and my house is a mess, aieeeeeeeeeee! and now i have to write an intro for Diesel?? AIEEEEEEEEE!”, which, of course, is what i do for anything and everything that requires my attention, but i digress.) you went beyond the call of duty (and/or doody) and turned in as fine a piece of writing as we’ve seen around here since, oh, say… yesterday. and i, for one, thank you from the bottom of my semi-sweet/semi-snarky heart. xox

Willie: i’m embarrassed to admit we have yet to see For Your Consideration. but i’m just certain it’ll be out soon on DVD, as well (we wanted to see it, we really did. can’t remember why we did not, but it may have had something to do with the dogs and/or the fact that it wasn’t playing in a theater in our area.) that said, it got terrific reviews, i hear Catherine O’Hara may actually be up for “consideration” come Oscar time. xox

LBP: i laughed at that, too. fortunately, i was already on the floor (which happened when i got to his line: write what you know — If your computer freezes up, do not put it in the microwave to β€œthaw it out.”) he’s a funny kid guy, that Diesel… xox

CJ: (we didn’t see it, but i heard all bad things about Ultra Violet, too bad, too. i thought it looked promising) and i’m thinkin’ your first clue that Bubba Ho-Tep was going to suck was the title. i love the fact that it was “so bad” it was “good”. i feel that way about “The Big Bounce” (such a bad bad film, and yet i love it!) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Al: thanks for the update and/or forcing me to laugh myself back on to the floor πŸ™‚ (too bad, i adore Tenacious D, i really do!) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Yep Snuppy, I think sometimes we just need to accept that some things are what they are – bad. I hate it when they remake bad movies in hopes to make them better – somethings just need to be appreciated for what they are! Poseidon, Assault on Precinct 13, House of Wax, The Fog, and Shaft should have been left ALONE!!! πŸ™‚

Comment by cj

Snuppy Shalit – somehow the moustache/hair visual has me cracking up over here.

Al, I just had a brainstorm – maybe you could take my mother to movies with you, if you’re in the South Jersey area that is. She’s a bit hard of hearing but other than that, she’s good company.

Comment by Lampy & Ebert

Wait, Lampy — you’re fixing me up with your mother? I’m sure she’s a lovely lady, but, Allah be praised, take me out and hang me now.

Comment by Al

Al – Nice. BTW, I’ve updated my post for the USC song girl ass seekers.

Snuppy – I was actually making fun of my own misspelling. Maybe switch to decaf?

LBP – The Transporter is one of my favorite movies ever. And I’m not even very gay.

Thanks everybody for your kind words. I write what I know, which is nonsense.

Comment by Diesel

Sorry, I meant USC SONG GIRL ASS

Comment by Diesel

Some people don’t appreciate anything! Hahahahaha, wait til I mention this to my mom.

Comment by Lampy & Ebert

Considering I just tossed off what I thought was a grand post and something went poof and it is no more, I’m handling it all just fine. As I curse in my head. After all, I *am* at the office. Oh I want to sob, who am I kidding!

Comment by Lampy & Ebert

CJ: amen to that, sister! i second that opinion of “remakes” of really GOOD films, as well. The Producers comes initially to mind, but i’m sure you can think of others… oh, wait, Psycho. yep. love Vince Vaughn, but really… the original Psycho was a veritable masterpiece. what were they thinking?? xox

Lampy & Ebert: nothing a little wax and hair straightener can’t fix. (wish the same could be said of a lost post. oy.) πŸ™‚ xox

Diesel: regarding “brillaint“… nice mockish retort. oh, good save on that link, too — i see we’ve taught you well. (btw: i know i’m a maroon, but i really did know you were making fun of your own crappy spelling. silly me for thinking i could mock your mocking of yourself. or something like that) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Snup, you spelled Suppy wrong; it takes four p’s.

Comment by Al

Al: i don’t know what you mean. okay, so in my haste to be funny i misspelled my own name. it could happen to anyone….right??? (and you thought i was kidding about my “memory” issues at WA) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Snuppy – I’m confused. I was making fun of you making fun of me making fun of you making fun of me? I think we’ve remedied your snark deficiency.

Comment by Diesel

Diesel: as long as we’re clear (that’s supposed to be a joke. hahahahahaha) xoxo

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Excellent inaugural post Diesel. I would say, at the risk of being roundly criticized, that I was a bit disappointed with “Little Miss Sunshine.” Cast and performances great and great but I think the movie benefitted from the “it’s an indie film so it must be good” bias that most critics seem to subscribe to. It was cute, amusing, mildly disturbing, but in my humble opinion, not what I would consider great. There…I’ve said it. Cast your stones.

Comment by Critical BoBo

Bobo: you took the words (and/or stones) right outta my mouth. Little Miss Sunshine was “good”, but “great”? i think not. (tho’ it *did* have some excellent moments) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

While I don’t think I can contribute much to the topic (other than, don’t get your hopes up about the Lake House), I’m wondering if your dear aunt is still giving out shots of whiskey and cookies. Yum.

Comment by Angela

Bobo – Thanks! And I will go on record as being disappointed by Sideways, Million Dollar Baby, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Thank You for Smoking and Mystic River, among other movies that I’ve actually seen.

Angela – I’ve heard that about the Lake House. And unfortunately I never had such an aunt, which is probably why I’m always sniffing around here for cookies and whatnot.

Comment by Diesel

Oh, great. Look what I just got from Netflix:

“Little Miss Sunshine
Arriving on or around: Friday, Jan 05, 2007”

Shit.

Thanks, Joel. Thanks, Neva. Oh, well, at least I have a few excellent moments to look forward to in those two wasted hours…

Comment by Al

Diesel! Tough guy to please – I go on record as liking 4 out of 5 and the other I didn’t see which must mean I’d better rent it this weekend πŸ™‚

Comment by Lampy & Ebert

Diesel…I’m with you on Sideways and Crouching Tiger…haven’t seen the others. As for the Lake House, watched it on a plane and it helped pass the time largely because I couldn’t believe how bad an Keanu Reeves was in the movie. AW-FULL he was!

Comment by Critical BoBo

I hated sideways…. Good God. I bought it for a date night at home with the hubby. My friend came over and said “Oh can I borrow that one?” I was like “Sure if you promise NEVER to bring it back!” She brought it back…. because she is a good friend I forgave her!

Bobo: We watched Little Miss Sunshine on Christmas with my parents. Sadly, Grandpa reminds us of Erick’s dad…. and Olive, well I might have my own Olive. I get a kick out of the film… mostly because it touches home a lot here. πŸ™‚

Comment by cj

Well whaddya know? I have a sort of movie related post up right now! Isn’t that funny!

Comment by Lampy & Ebert

I should clarify that I didn’t necessarily dislike any of those movies; I just didn’t think they lived up to the hype. But when you don’t see most movies until a year after they come out, you hear a lot of hype before you actually see it.

Comment by Diesel

CJ: we didn’t “hate” Little Miss Sunshine, it had some terrific moments… it’s just that the original hype had us believing this was gonna be the funniest film since “The History of the World”, and, of course, it wasn’t! that said, it’s no suprise you guys like it for EXACTLY the reasons you give (and Alan Arkin was amazing… we loved him in it, too!) xox

Lampy & Ebert: and a mighty fine (and downright FUNNY) post it is!! (good luck with that “meeting” today, by the way!) xox

Diesel: little late to be back-peddling now, doncha think? (i know what you mean, the hype is reason so many of these films fail, no way to live up to up it) THANKS again for a fantastic post/opportunity to make fun of stuff (including you) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Thank you for the list of movies. None of which I have seen. I will put this on my list of New Year’s Resolutions, which is also on my list of Things to Do Today. (Ever noticed that To Do combined is almost ToDaY, if you change the -o- to -a- and add a -y-? I’m really good with letters and words that way. To date, I’ve never followed through with doing anything on any of those lists. Which probably means, I won’t watch any of those movics. But, did I thank you for the list?

Comment by Swampwitch

[…] WEEK, we were very entertained by a POST submitted by our friend, and cohort, DIESEL. But before we get to that clever post (or this attempt […]

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