IMAGINE OUR SURPRISE. Well, not so much “surprise”, as amusement. Well, not so much “amusement”, as glee. Well, not so much “glee”, and consternation. Well, okay, so we don’t know what the hell we were, but that’s beside the point. The point, for we so desperately want to have one, is that one bright and cheery day, a certain young man popped his greasy/money-grubbing nose into the Snark Park, tried to get his hands on Princess James’ fortune before we could chase him away with our brooms and/or dust-busters, and we haven’t been able to get rid of him, since. Not that we want to. We’re speaking (in that annoyingly halting fashion of ours) of DIESEL, as clever/funny and, yes, snarky a guy as we have ever had the pleasure to know, read, and/or beg to contribute as many clever thoughts/witticisms/words as he can spare to our humble blog.
WHEN you go visit him at his own humble-yet-hilarious blog, MATTRESS POLICE, try not to be too put off by some of his links and/or blatant/whorish-yet-hilarious attempts to boost his own readership. Some of those links — which, like a couple of his posts, appear to be (gasp) misogynistic — are actually pretty damn funny, and his blatant/whorish-yet-hilarious attempts to drive people to his blog is something we happen to find… endearing. But then, like the cheap dates we are, we’re easy to please. ~snuppy
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When I began my blogging career not too long ago one of the first sites that I came across in my quest for kindred spirits whom I could cynically manipulate to increase my traffic was Central Snark. This, I thought, was my kind of site. First of all, it was Central. No more breaking down in a bad section of the Interweb looking for a quick fix of gratuitous sarcasm. No driving to Modesto and cruising 9th Street for half an hour searching for a woman who really understands me only to find that I’m the lucky guy to put “Jolene” over the top in her goal to raise $18,000 for the operation. Central Snark was conveniently located practically right outside my front door, much like the gaping septic pipe trench that I have to step over sixteen times a day.
Second, it was Snark. I dig snark. Snark is my middle name. Honestly, it’s my grandmother’s maiden name. Originally it was Stark, but there was a mix-up at Ellis Island.
At last I had found a site that really spoke to me. And what’s really great is that it’s run by some very nice ladies. I mean, just super nice. Like your aunt who used to give you cookies and whiskey shots when your mom wasn’t watching. That nice. So nice, in fact, that occasionally they forget to be snarky. I suggested that they change the name of the site to CentralNiceLadies.com, but it turns out that domain is already taken by some ladies who seem nice, but more in the manner of your uncle who used to want you to play hide-and-seek with him in his El Camino.
So they came to me and said, “Hey Diesel, you’re kind of a jerk. Why don’t you write something super-snarky for us, so that the Snark Bureau doesn’t yank our snark license?” And I was like, yeah, whatever, because I’m kind of a jerk.
Anyway, I asked what I should write about and they said, “Write what you know.” Well, that was all the inspiration I needed. I jotted down:
If your computer freezes up, do not put it in the microwave to “thaw it out.”
The nice ladies were so thrilled with this brillaint missive that they suggested that I “flesh it out” a bit by adding some stuff I didn’t know, and maybe taking out the stuff that I did know.
So I decided to write about the top ten most overrated movies of 2006. The problem is that while I have a 56″ TV, I also have no life, which means that I know a lot about the overrated movies of 2005 but very little about those of 2006. Since it’s a bit late to tell you that Murderball was not, in fact, a sequel to the brilliant 2002 dystopian L.L. Cool J epic Rollerball, I’ve decided to imagine how disappointing the movies of 2006 would have been if I had seen them.
The Queen – Am I the only one who thought they totally ripped off The Crying Game?
Letters from Iwo Jima – The letters are, predictably, a, i, j, m, o and w.
United 93 – I just didn’t understand the motivations of the terrorists. And why did they have to be Arabs?
V for Vendetta – It’s just hard to sympathize with a character who only has one facial expression. And shaving her head didn’t improve matters.
Superman Returns – They never explained why Clark Kent and Superman just happened to return at exactly the same time. Also, the two actors looked so much alike that sometimes the only way I could tell them apart was the glasses. Just plain confusing.
Babel – Couldn’t understand a word.
The Departed – Very funny. An empty theater and no movie. Ha ha, you got me.
An Inconvenient Truth – Disappointingly convenient.
Rocky Balboa – A Rocky robot traveling back in time to kill Sylvester Stallone before Rocky V gets made? Who didn’t see that coming?
Casino Royale – I don’t get why James Bond always has to be British. It’s like they don’t even give American actors a chance. Like Britain has anybody who could go toe-to-toe with The Rock.
So what about you? What movies were you disappointed with in 2006? Or might you have been disappointed with, had you seen them?
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