I am writing on behalf of Dr. Snark, as it has come to our attention, here at the Institute, that you’ve recently experienced a slip in your ability to use the good judgement. I speak, of course, of the incident of 11 January 2007, which involved your meeting with two women of doubtless disrepute known only to us as “LAMPSHA” and “SNUPPY“.
NOW, Al, in an of itself, sitting down over coffee with two complete strangers is certainly no big deal. No, wait, that’s a lie from the Pits of Hell, Al, because it certainly is a big deal. The phrase “are you out of your mind?” comes to… er… mind, Al, but then, you’ve been a patient at this Institute for several months so we all know the answer to that, don’t we? The answer is “yes“, Al, “yes you are out of your mind”. We are of the opinion that any hopes we had for a speedy improvement have been dashed to their deaths on the marble floor at GRAND CENTRAL STATION . In case you remain unclear as to our Diagnosis and/or Prognosis, let’s review:
1. You met with TWO complete and utter strangers. Both of them had big purses. And a Barbie Doll.
2. In the middle of New York City, you treated them to coffee at… Starbucks.
3. You did not tell your wife, Mrs. Al, (aka, Doug’s Wife, too).
4. You allowed these two unscrupulous women to talk your ears off for over 3 hours (Starbucks called, by the way, and your ears are being held for safe-keeping in the fridge under the counter, next to a box of Soy milk).
5. You did NOT tell your wife.
6. You aided and abetted these less-than-perfect possibly perfectly-insane strangers in taking illicit photos of a nearly naked Barbie Doll in the middle of a busy train station. The fact that the Barbie Doll in question — DAISY — will soon be a SpokesBarbie for the Institute doesn’t make it right. People saw you holding that camera, Al. Children, men with dogs, old ladies, for godssake. Witnesses, Al, witnesses.
7. YOU DID NOT TELL YOUR WIFE.
NATURALLY, Dr. Snark believes in her ability to eventually restore you to some semblance of sanity, but it’s going to take work, Al, and lots of it. And money, Al — LOTS OF IT. That said, we are proud of you for taking a step outside the box (and by “box” we mean “computer”) in order to experience life in the fast lane (and by “fast lane” we mean “a table in Starbucks”). There’s hope, Al, and as Daisy as our witness, we’ll do everything in our power to help you in your quest for a sound mind. As for your relationship with your wife, however, you’re on your own.
WITH ALL GOOD REGARDS, despite our belief you should have told your wife,
Nurse Betty Snupskamatov
*Thanks for the great visit, Al! We had fun, we really did. Way more fun, we suspect, than you did once you got back home. You can have Mrs. Al call us, if you like, and we’ll do our best to allay any and all fears she may have as to the true nature of our get-together. That said, we’re guessing a quick peek at our blogs may go a long way towards achieving the same thing, with a lot less aggravation (for her, not us — we look forward to meeting her in the future, assuming she lets you continue to hang out in the Blogosphere).
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