Central Snark

Movie Tuesday with Diesel by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 23 January 2007, 9:28am
Filed under: flix, Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselSo it seems that I’m making a regular habit of deserting my loyal Mattress Police readers to post here on Tuesdays. And I seem to be writing about movies a lot. We should think of a clever name for this feature. Something reminiscent of sitting at home on a Saturday night with a good DVD spinning in the player. I know: Saturday Spin! I hope that’s not taken. Oh well, I’m sure Snuppy will come up with something if it is.

This week I thought I would share with you my plan for preserving American dominance in the realm of cinema. You may be aware that countries other than the United States occasionally make movies — often in foreign languages that are hard to understand — like Trainspotting or Miami Vice. Now I realize that some of you are from non-American countries, so you may not entirely sympathize with my Hollywood-centric view of movies. So let me say right off the bat (a bat is like a stick) that I don’t particularly care about your Sense and Sensibility-style movies where stiff-necked people click-clack around big dreary houses talking about how they’ve been shamed or will be shamed, or plan on shaming someone for once shaming their little sister during a game of shame-around-the rosey. As my wife once said about Sense and Sensibility, “I thought this was Pride and Prejudice.” My thoughts exactly.

Anyway, you can keep your movies about shame and angst and moral ambiguity. My concern is with what I call “real movies,” which center on explosions, fistfights, and marital infidelity as titillation and/or plot device. I am worried that with the popularity of such movies as Casino Royale and The Transporter and the implosion of Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson, the U.S. is in danger of losing its dominance in the realm of real movies (or cinema realite, as I call it).

The problem is that these movies are terrifically expensive to make, especially if you need to coax someone important like The Rock or Fifty Cent into playing the lead rather than relying on cheap foreign imports like Daniel Craig or Clive Owen. I’m afraid that if our big action movies continue to tank, Hollywood is going to stop making them, and pretty soon I’ll be forced to watch that crap from Hong Kong that Quentin Tarantino won’t shut up about. So what we need is a way to make these movies more affordable to produce, so that Hollywood can churn out more of them, thereby increasing the odds that at least a few really kick-ass movies will be released a year.

My solution: Product branding. Sure, we already have product placement and movie tie-ins, but I’m talking about taking it to a whole new level. We build the whole movie around a product or brand, and even include the brand name in the title. There’s no need for this to reduce the quality of the films; with a little care I’m sure we can maintain the films’ artistic integrity while paying top dollar for the best explosions money can buy.

For example, if studios had implemented this strategy over the past several decades, you might have seen movies such as:

  • BMW: The Ultimate Driving Miss Daisy Machine
  • The Husqvarna Chainsaw Massacre
  • Winchester’s To Kill a Mockingbird
  • Like Water for Hershey’s Chocolate
  • ABC Presents: Network
  • Disney’s Pirates of the Caribbean (Ok, this one’s a bit ridiculous)
  • Elizabeth Taylor’s Passion of the Christ
  • Los Angeles Raiders of the Lost Ark
  • Twister
  • American Express History X
  • Sears Die Hard
  • Hey Mikey, It’s a Wonderful Life!

Any other suggestions? Hollywood is listening.



28 Comments so far
Leave a comment

damn, Diesel! i swear, every week you just get funnier! (more funny? whatever… you make me laugh)

what can i say? this kid guy has talent. and what better day to do a post like this than on the day they announce this year’s nominations for Oscar? (said the Snupster who’s still scratching her head for a little inspiration from which to draw in order NOT to look like a total maroon) 🙄

Comment by One Hot Puppy

since i can’t think of any new titles, i’ll take a shot at a couple of old (very old) ones, instead:

Selsun Blue Angel? (Marlene Dietrich might have objected to the association with dandruff, but once you clear that hurdle, i can totally see it)

The Ghost and Mr. Perdue’s Chicken

oh wait! how ’bout:

Pam’s Labyrinth?

oh fine… i’ll keep tryng. xox

Comment by snuppy

How about “Coke Free Willy III”

“Microsoft Green Vista”

“Planter’s Nuts and Bloggers”

Comment by Brian

Wheel of Fortune’s Letters from Iwo Jima?

Comment by snuppy

I love it!! 🙂 You know I would have spent the 8.00 to go and see The Husqvarna Chainsaw Massacre…. Then again STIHL has a rocking calender (complete with calendar girls) so perhaps they should win that bid. I mean they could use their calendar hotties as Leatherface bait? Eh?

Lockheed Martin’s 2001: A SPACE ODYSSEY
Pfizer’s Dr. Strangelove
Rear Pella Window
The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Story
The BMG Sound of Music

🙂 Have a good day everyone!

Comment by cj

Oakland Raiders, Diesel. This week, anyway.

Mad T. J. Maxx
FOX Anchorman
Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle … NO! That’s a REAL MOVIE!! That does it, I’m stopping here.

Comment by oceallaigh

ahahhahahahh FOX Anchorman!!!! GOOD ONE!

Comment by cj

“Rice A Roni; Streetcar called Desire”

“Victoria Secrets Woman are from Venus, Men are from Mars bars”

Comment by Brian

The Raiders left Los Angeles a few years ago, and moved to Oakland. Therefore “Oakland Raiders of the Lost Ark”

You would probably have a better chance of knowing that, though, if you were from Northern California or something….


As for my movie tie-ins…

Sears Craftsman’s “Saw III”
Baskin Robbins’ Rocky Road Balboa
Minute Maid’s Pulp-Free Orange Juice Fiction

Comment by Joel

Snuppy – Geez, why don’t you make some references to cave paintings while you’re at it? Although I like the Wheel of Fortune one. Didn’t Ashley Judd do a Jeopardy ripoff already?

Microsoft Green Vista and The Philadelphia Cream Cheese Story are quite good too. I should have thought of the Craftsman/Saw tie-in. And man do I wish I had thought of Mad T. J. Maxx. In that version, Mel Gibson was scouring the post-apocalyptic Australian Outback looking for affordable family fashions. Brillaint, as we say around here.

oceallaigh/Joel – Sure, it’s Oakland Raiders now, but not in 1981. Actually, I have no idea where they were in 81. I’m lucky I could think of a sports team.

Sadly, the movie industry is almost beyond satire in this area, with movies like Pirates of the Caribbean and Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. Almost.

Comment by mattresspolice

Once again, I have left myself logged in to WordPress. That should say “Diesel”, not “mattresspolice”….

Comment by Diesel

Maybe I should have said San Francisco Giant? Los Angeles Angels in the Outfield? The Mighty Ducks?

Comment by Diesel

The Philidelphia Cream Cheese Experiment – now that would be good!

Comment by cj

well, yeah, i *said* they were old (except for “Pam’s Labyrinth”)… so sue me.

modern, eh? hmmmmm…let me see. let me see…

Tylenol’s Saturday Night Fever

Cuervo Tequila Sunrise

Singin’ in the Summer Rain Sprinkler System

eh… i’ll come back after i’ve had my coffee. xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Orkin presents The Ex-Terminator
(now playing around in a governor’s mansion near you)

Comment by logo™

Superman Returns his movies on time at Blockbuster
The Bourne Identity Theft Protection from Discover Card
Ocean’s Seven Eleven

Comment by Joel

Fresh from the Biography Fair where various Einsteins, Shaekespeare’s and Helen Kellers meandered about at Tali’s school.

I’ll tell you right off the bat which is like a stick that this post is hysterical. Are you trying to step on my toes with those size 13’s Mr. Saturday Spin? Haha. Wow, there are some funny ones here.

Let’s see:

Kuman Learning Centers presents The Pursuit of Happyness

Burger King presents The Queen

Little Miss Sunshine Biscuits

Six Feet Under Funeral Homes presents The Departed

Charmin – The Last King of Scotland (or maybe the last thing that he used).

American Express presents Notes on a Scandal (that’s if your wife sees the monthly statement).

Okay, lame as they are – that’s mine.

Now I’m off to do a few things before I pick Helen Keller up from school.

Comment by Lamphsa & Ebert

Joel, I’m cracking up at your last posting which wasn’t there when I was leaving mine. Great.

Comment by Lamphsa & Ebert

Viagra’s Incredible Mr. Limpet?

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

You’re killing me Snuppy Shalit!

Comment by Lamphsa & Ebert

Man, you all are coming up with some good ones. Where were you when I was slaving away for 15 minutes writing this post?

My new favorite is Logo’s Ex-Terminator. Brillaint.

Comment by Diesel

There’s Always A Room for Jell-o with a View??

Lampsha & Ebert: i’m sorry, but along with Logo’s “Ex-Terminator”, your “Little Miss Sunshine Biscuit” is Hilarious (so funny i had to use a capital “H”!) xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Love them, one and all. How ever did ya’ll become so clever? LMFAO…

Comment by Claire

Miracle Whip on 34th Street

Camel’s Unfiltered 200 Cigarettes

Thigh Master Theater Presents: The Firm

Dentu-Grip’s Jaws

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Benihana and Joon?

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Oh, these are great–the Mr. Limpet one has me rolling.

Abercombie&Fitch’s About a Boy?

I’m no good at this sort of thing, but you’re a riot, Diesel! Great post.

Comment by actonbell

okay, two more, and then i’m DONE:

My Own Private OreIdaho

Geritol’s Man in the Iron Poor Mask

and Actonbell? i beg to differ with you, missy — that was a GREAT one! xox

Comment by Snuppy Shalit

Dumb and Hummer
Vagisil presents: The Untouchables
Look Who’s Talking, can you hear me now?
Catwoman: The Fancy Feast
or perhaps Catwoman: Scooped Away
Schick’s Close Encounters
This is Merck’s Spinal Tap
Preparation H presents: Fire Down Below
Kinko’s CopyCat

This is too much fun but I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe so I’ll stop now.

Comment by DreamThief

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