Central Snark

Own a Canadian (sorry LBP!) & Piss Away! by Snuppy
Wednesday, 31 January 2007, 9:38am
Filed under: BoheMia Rhaps, cracks us up

Yes, ’tis me, Catty Yummy Mummy, (and yes, I am shamelessly plugging myself as I am back in the blogosphere after a 15 day hiatus, or did you not notice dammit, and much plugging is needed, I am afraid, in order to be back in the game *sighetty sigh* and all that jazz) and, once again, I am here in a completely unoriginal manner, stealing much amazing content from my dear friend Pink Drama, and have nothing much to add as an intro but can you blame me? Pissing on oneself out of sheer laughing-one’s-ass-off mirth can do that to the best of bohemians I am afraid! So read up, and piss away with me why dontcha?

October 2002
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination – Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? – Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,

Run, run, RUUUUN to the bathroom NOW! As for me, off I go to the goddamn dentist for oral activity of the not-so-pleasurable kind. *sigh* But first, some dry pants are in order! Ay!

And with that, yep, you got it…

BoheMia OUT!

14 Comments so far
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hah! i (me, snuppy) stayed up until after 1:30 am crafting a post, in a weak-assed attempt to play off of the brilliant post Deisel did yesterday. i was completely prepared to put it up this morning, when i found this fun piece by our FAVORITE BOHEMIAN (apparently she’s off her hiatus now — which is good news for those of us who love and adore her!)

that said, today’s post (the one i wrote for today, that is) will be up tomorrow. and you’ll know it by it’s title, “Weird Wednesday”, which is what i think we’ll start calling our Wednesday offerings. or not. altho’, now that i go back and read the above hilarious offering about Dr. Schlessinger (ugh, and double ugh) and the literal translations of “all things Bible”, i belive “weird” still applies!

THANK YOU dearest BoheMia! now i’m off to see if you’re really “back” or just teasing us for not finishing all those other faboo videos you put up last week! (i meant to, i really did)

😉 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

I saw your post and I thought it FABOO which is why I did not post this silly little thing! You are too, too sweet to have put it up though I must admit to loving that letter! Very creative and such a fabulous way of throwing that woman’s hypocrisy back into her face!

Larry King had her on his show the other day as a commentator which baffled both Loverboy and me… who cares what SHE thinks about anything so why on earth would he have her on! Although I am not such a great fan of Larry King either so I may be negatively biased there too… Dios mio! So many nonsensical things out there!

As for my videos and my posts, especially that last post, ay! But I guess it is ok for 15 days though not something I plan to make a habit of das FO SHO!

Hope you have a fabulous day my dear Snuppylicious friend and I hope to catch you at home soon! Muchos besos to you my dear amiga!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Welcome home (to the blogosphere,) hermanita! I like this piece. Of course, if you’re going to own Canadians you need to know the law on punishing smart-alecky slaves.

Comment by Walela

hahahahhahahahahhahah *S* I will have to make sure I keep that list on my fridge so that I make sure I am following ALL the rules. I loved it!!

Comment by cj

Yay! A Bohemin post! Whoot!

Ugh..Dr. Laura. She makes me want to take a sharp object and jab my eardrum out with it. A friend gave me one of her books. Never read it. Good for balancing wobbly tables though. 10 Stupid things women do to mess up their lives (or whatever it was called)? #1…Buy that book.

Smart alecky? What….ever.

Comment by littlebluepill

I can’t even *say* Dr. Laura without getting a twitch. She just wrankles me to no end with her sanctimonious stance. However as a Heeb who embraces some of the laws I would also say that if you don’t have an understanding of the underlying story to them, then yeah they are Funny funny funny. They certainly look bizarre in this context. Like LBP, somehow a Dr. Laura book for kids came into our home, it went out in the giveaway box right away – just as bad as she is for adults I would imagine.

Nice to see you out and about and I’m waiting for the next installment of your Bohemian Family (now that I’m all caught up). Neshikot to you mi amiga. xox

Comment by Lampy & Brimstone

But incidentally – where can I get a Canadian? We need a new cleaning person.

Comment by Lampy & Brimstone

Dear Jim,

Regarding menstruation. May I suggest you stop worrying about our discharges and start sweating your own (Lev. 15: 1-18). Maybe we should be asking the questions??

Regarding slavery. You have overlooked something. See MINIMUM WAGE. See also UNREGISTERED WORKER.

Cordially, Dr. Laura.


Comment by oceallaigh

How dare you question Dr. Laura. She’s a doctor! Of physiology, no less. So if you want to know the real dirt behind hour your circulatory system works, you’d best not anger her.

Comment by Diesel

Hermano de mi alma- Gracias hermano mio, it is good to be back (or at least to attempt to)… as for the smart alecky slaves, I suppose glittery lipstick should be out of the question?

CJ- Is it not funny as hell? Glad you liked it amiga mia!

LBP- Shhh! Don’t let Dr. Laura know or she may choose YOU as her Canadian of choice! Ay dios mio! I got your back I tell you! or I ain’t CYM for nothin’! K-KISH!

Lampy Fabulosa- I think more than a criticism of Judaism, it is exactly what you are pointing out, a criticism of individuals who take any philosophy to the extreme and cannot read past the literal meaning of the words into the deeper meaning hidden behind the words and, of course, taking the entire story into account… but glad to see you agree on that pathetic excuse of a woman… ugh!

But back to your faboo insight, is it any wonder bohemians loooove you so and find you dreamy? Yep, dreamy FO SHO!

As for the procurement of a Candian, I get first dibs!!!

Dr Laura? *Gaspetty Gasp* Who gave YOU the key to the Snark? Now I am afraid… VERY afraid!

Diesel- Yeah, well, too bad she ain’t too connected to the digestive system because methinks she may be badly backed up and full of… um… nuff said? 😉

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

I’m Canadian, and my American boss has owned my @$$ for 7 good years now. If this isn’t allowed in Levitical law, I wanna know NOW!!!

Comment by Joel

Fabulous! And she is back and yes…back with her usual style. I loved this.
Here is cheers to Leveticus in all its out of this century glory!

Comment by Penguin

oh man! one stupid busy day (actually, another stupid busy day) and i miss out on all the fun! all i can add at this point is that Dr. Laura (and i really *do* take exception to the fact that her purview is in an entirely different area than the one in which she currently makes her living) is a poor excuse for a human being. not that i’m trying to be judgemental or anything. oh wait. i am being judgemental. but i’m also right. not only that, she’s a freaking hypocrite — i mean the woman had an affair with a married man (whom she later married, but still…). and first she converts to Judiasm, *then* she converts back??? what’s up with that? don’t *even* get me started on her response after her mother died (i mean, the woman’s body wasn’t discovered for something like 3 or 4 days, and all Dr. Whora could say was “Eh. She was a loner”??? aieeeeee! nope, she’s confused, confusing, and a confoundment, to be sure. and if that doesn’t make sense, it’s only because she doesn’t, either. (i’m not a fan, can ya tell?) oy.

off to bed i go, for my ranting has gone from bizarre to incoherent (and they said it could be done.) LOVELOVELOVE THIS POST, MIZ B… *AND* YOU! xox

Comment by snuppy

Joel- Oh amigo mio, I do not know about Levitical law but I would advise you to put your bravery, in declaring your Canadian origins, to one side and RUN and HIDE! Lampy is on the prowl and she will have herself a Canadian if it’s the last thing she does! Don’t worry though. You are safe with me. I already grabbed me LBP! Bwahahahaaaaa!

Penguin- Oooweeee! Glad you liked it FO SHO! And yeah, attempting to be back if Spain lets me… is there anything in Leviticus or Exodus about Spain and the Spanish? Bohemian minds want to know!

Snuppy- Oh my dearest and most delightful and oh-how-I-love-me-your-SO-not-incoherent-so-I-suppose-I-should-have-just-said-coherent-rants-which-are-insightful-and-informative-and-educational-and-piss-my-pants-funny-and-my-what-I-would-give-to-get-my-hands-on-a-full-blown-Snuppylicious-rant-so-how’s-that-for-an-idea-hmmm?-but-I-digress fabulous soul sistah, RANT ON! Who am I to suppress the urge to rant… lest it go against Levitical and Exodusical (?) decrees (???) and well, pfffft and all that jazz!

Can you not tell how much I lovedlovedLOOOVED your comment? And as for you? Oooooweee words cannot even begin to describe how *swoonalicious* bohemians find you to be! Lovetty LOVE baby and all that jazz! DAS FO SHO!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

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