Central Snark


“What the Hell” Wednesday by Snuppy
Wednesday, 28 February 2007, 10:32am
Filed under: music music, whatevers

rupaul dollFOR a nano-second, we considered offering up something witty, warm, wise, whimsical and/or winsome (winsome? whatev) for this, the last post for the last day of February. But, in the end (as in “the end of our efforts/ability to figure out what kind of note to wrap up the month with”) we figured “What the Hell”, let’s go with something fun/fabulous and maybe (just maybe) mildly freaky. Next thing we knew, RUPAUL popped into our heads and/or onto this post. Literally, ON to this post. Now, we don’t know about you, but when someone wants to work it that hard (even if it’s only in our heads), we tend to stand back and let ’em do their thang. Shantay, Shantae, Shantee, Shantey, Shantaaay*.

WHAT, not a fan of RuPaul? Tough titty, said the kitty. Or did she? Hell if we know. More to the point, hell if we care. Consider yourselves lucky to be entertained at all (assuming more than one of you are). Originally we were going to call this “Who/What/Where Wednesday”, and let you all play a simple game of TWENTY QUESTIONS while we slept in, but only because A) we’re tired, and B) that 20 Questions site is friggin’ awesome and wa-a-y more fun than it should be, much as it pains/embarrasses us to admit.

daisy hiding out*Not only do we NOT know how to spell that, we’re too lazy to look it up. Oh, and don’t think Miss Daisy isn’t more than a little “dismahyed” (as she’s come to pronounce it) by the fact that we’ve featured a picture of a RuPaul Doll instead of something more “Miss Daisy, Supermodel Extrordinaire” (as she wants to be known, at least for today) focused at the top of this post, because she is. Not only is she upset, she’s beside herself with angst — and we quote(ish) — “in fayact, the vaypors ahr po’in’ ovah me, evan as ah spayk.” We fear it’s gonna take the better part of the day and/or evening to coax her out of that potted plant and into a relaxing bubble bath, in order to calm her fragile-yet-frayed-and-very unfocused nerves. Poor thang.

~snuppy



Oscar Cap by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 27 February 2007, 9:14am
Filed under: Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselWell, I hope you all had as good an Inappropriate Card Day as I did. I barely had time to slap together this post, what with the festivities and card exchanging and, uh, more festivities. Man, this holiday needs some frilling up. Sorry if you missed it; I tried to alert as many of my fellow bloggers as I could. Anyway, on to the Oscar post.

I was so excited during the Oscars Sunday night that I almost turned on the TV to watch them. There’s something about a bunch of plastic people with fake smiles and empty heads wearing ridiculous outfits and interacting in a completely artificial environment that really rings my bell. By the time I put my Star Wars figures away, the Oscars were over.

Not having watched the show handicaps me a bit in terms of recapping the ceremony, though no more so than all the armchair nitwits who suddenly become cinema gurus every year around the middle of February, not only predicting who will win, but stating with rock solid moral authority who should win. These people couldn’t tell a gaffer from a key grip, and yet we’re supposed to take it on their word that Apocalypto‘s sound editing beats that of Blood Diamond hands down. Idiots.

Meg RyanAside: I love the fact that they give awards for editing. 90% of editing is figuring out what bits of film (or sound) to leave out of a movie. How do you give an award for not including something? That’s like giving Matthew McConaughey an award for all the crappy roles he didn’t take.

Anyway, here’s my recap, er… cap of the Oscars, based on my unrivaled expertise in the area of capping shows I haven’t seen about movies I haven’t seen:

  • Plans were thrown into complete disarray when it was announced that Ellen Degeneres had been diagnosed with a chronic case of not being very funny. She was replaced at the last minute by Scarlett Johanssen’s cleavage. No one seemed to mind.
  • Peter O’Toole won the Best Actor Oscar, forcing the Academy to admit that they made up the movie he was nominated for to see if anybody was paying attention.
  • In an embarrassing scene, Tom Hanks was accosted in an alley on his way to the theater by a bag lady who turned out to be Meg Ryan.
  • Pirates of the Caribbean won the award for Best Technical Shit We Don’t Care About.
  • Al Gore something something lose something something academy something something election [polite laughter and applause].
  • In a shocking upset, Eddie Murphy was un-nominated for his performance in Dreamgirls when someone opened a door and the stench from Norbit wafted in.
  • Alejandro González Iñárritu won the award for Hardest Name to Engrave on a Plaque. The award was accepted by Al Gonzalez.
  • The big winner of the night was The Departed. That’s right, me. I was in bed by 10pm.

~Diesel



Mo’ Music by Snuppy
Monday, 26 February 2007, 11:37am
Filed under: happy happy, music music

stuck in snowDID anyone hear about the “Great Snowfall in the Northeast of ’07”? Yeah? Well we did, too. Funny how 4 inches of snow can seem like an enormous amount when you haven’t seen much throughout the season. We’ve tackled shoveling after several inches/feet have landed in the driveway, following a Major Wintery Snow-laden Storm, but this morning, our backs are achin’ after moving aside a fraction of that amount. Why tell you this? Uh, because we can. Oh, and because it’s (kind of) the reason this post didn’t get up in a more timely fashion. Heh, and you all thought we were a little late in order to give everyone enough time to wish our dear PRINCESS LAMPSHA and her hubby a proper Happy Anniversary, since so many of you missed out on the chance to do so, yesterday. Well, you were right. But that’s beside the point. 

THE POINT, for we had one before we got side-tracked by all this snow, is that it’s Monday, and, once again, we’re forced to reach into the vast coffers of our pathetic brains in order to conjure up a little something “appropriate” to follow DJ Lampsha’s fabulous Saturday Spin. When we first logged into our computers, we planned to take the “easy” way out by featuring another old-but-cool video of a very young Bob Dylan (the “original” Mason Jennings and/or Dan Bern), but for some reason, while looking for a video/song we liked, we kept hearing someone repeating the word “Motown” over and over and over. Well, we don’t know about you, but when a voice like that urges us to get down with the music that fuels our soul, we don’t ask “Why?”, we ask “Where’s that voice coming from?” Then we scratch our heads and say, “OK”. (Later, it will be discovered that our TV was turned on to The Academy Awards® Show — at the exact moment a musical performance from the Oscar® nominated film Dreamgirls was underway.)  

WHATEVER it was that kept getting into our heads and/or the way of our plan to share something along the lines of our normal “opposistes/cheap laughs” Monday fare, we’re glad it did. After searching high and low for the “perfect” something to best represent the magical music of MOTOWN, by golly, we think we found it. Behold the glory, the soul, and the “check-out-those-moves” that is: THE TEMPTATIONS and THE FOUR TOPS. Get down, get funky, kids. If your toes aren’t a’ tappin’ after watching this video, we can only assume it’s because you’ve been out in your own snow-lined driveways too long, and are suffering from backache, frostbite and/or brain freeze.

vintage hula girlFINALLY, we would be remiss (or would we? we don’t know, but we’re not taking any chances, just in case) if we didn’t remind you that, according to DIESEL (who’ll be doing — what we’re quite certain will be — a much more meaningful post for you all on Tuesday) today is INAPPROPRIATE CARD DAY. So, uh, Happy Whatever, Congratulations, and, uh, Get Well Soon.

~snuppy



Saturday Spin by Snuppy
Saturday, 24 February 2007, 10:16am
Filed under: Lampsha Spins

WE interrupt this fabulous Spin with an Important Announcement/Greeting:

bride & groomHAPPY ANNIVERSARY, Princess Lampsha & Scissorhands!! ♥

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia. ~Judith Viorst, Redbook, 1975

~May your life together always be filled with LOVE and JOY, and never feel like an expensive tight girdle you two were somehow/strangely stuck inside following an accident, and were then forced to wear while flying in circles over Philadelphia. Happy Happy, Joy Joy!~

♥          ♥          ♥         ♥           ♥

Saturday Spin.
Violin.
Where am I going?
Crazy – wanna come?

That’s an old old expression — well the crazy part. Who I am featuring today may not know that expression. He is a young songwriter and his name is Mason Jennings. What I know about him is that he is 30 years old, was born in Honolulu and moved to Pittsburgh as a child and eventually dropped out of high school and moved to Minnesota. Some say in search of Bob Dylan. Okay I made that last part up, but you see a young guy with a guitar and a harmonica, draw your own conclusions. Now you know what I know. Oh and he seems to be a prolific songwriter. I have some catching up to do. Let’s jump right in and take a look at a song from his new album Boneclouds which is his major label debut.  This is a link to  Sony where he is making the aforementioned debut and this is one of the songs from the cd featured in this video:  BE HERE NOW.

Here’s a live version from a show in Philly in 9/06 of his song Crown from his album Use Your Voice (2004) which may be the best starting point album as it seems to be hailed as a masterpiece album. This clip is  albeit not the greatest quality (I can’t leave this song out though):

I don’t know but Mason sounds a bit like Dan Bern whom you may recall I featured a few spins back. When asked of this comparison, Mason reportedly said, “I don’t know, maybe Dan Bern was really the Mason Jennings of the 90’s”. Okay okay that was really an inside joke and I…I made that up to have a quote for the post. As far as I know the comparison is only being  mulled by me at the moment.  

Lastly, here is a link to Mason’s MySpace profile which has some songs to check out as well, including Be Here Now which you may or may not want to listen to again.  I myself grew up on CousinBrucie’s Instant Replays on 77 WABC so I never mind listening to a new song with a great hook over again. It is a lushly layered song, I think I’ll listen again. 

Okay, well I am sure that I have broken one or three or so rules from The Blogger Code of Ethics that Diesel outlined in his fun yet informative post over at the Mattress Police Headquarters yesterday. So my work here is done.

With that — have a great weekend.

~ DJ LAMPSHA
  spinning out of control since 2006



Moment of (Jazz) Zen by Snuppy
Friday, 23 February 2007, 10:06am
Filed under: music music

Man, if you have to ask what it (jazz) is, you’ll never know.

                                                            ~Louis Armstrong  

ellaTHIS hasn’t been the most impressive week in the Snark Park, as far as comments go — despite a very fun/brain-teasing guest turn by the same snarktastic, charming and/or MadLibbing blogpal, who brings us all those hilarious-yet-CRUMMY CHURCH SIGNS.  But hey, it’s all good. We figure many of you were simply out ‘n about gettin’ your groove on, instead of hanging around the Blogosphere, where everyone knows your name, and some of us were waiting for you to show up, just so we could use it. Not that we’re bitter. Nonetheless, it’s occurred to us that two (or three or five) can play that game. So, for today (as in: “until tomorrow, when the brilliant DJ LAMPSHA takes the blog out for another fine Saturday Spin”) we plan to kick back, chill out, and “go with the flow”… in hopes you can all dig where we’re coming from. Or are going to. Whatever.

ONE of the best ways for some of us to get into a “groovy flow”, is by listening to JAZZ*. We absolutely love it, and, when we’re feeling lonely, or sad, or blue, or abandoned, or ignored, or unloved, or, or… um, anything else that keeps our normally brilliant smiles off our happy little faces, we try to listen to the stuff that makes us tap our toes while we sing our hearts out, despite the fact that we rarely know the words. Thank God for Jazz singers like the great, ELLA FITZGERALD, aka Lady Ella, aka The First Lady of Song**, who helped perfect the Jazz approach to “lyric impairment” through the art of SCAT SINGING — because that’s something we now do (poorly) whenever the words to a song fail us (which is often, and embarrassing).

AND now, your moment of (Jazz) ZEN, a la Ella, with a little help from one of the most innovative and important jazz band leaders of his time — or any time — the legendary COUNT BASIE (believe it or not, one of us (me) was fortunate to have seen this remarkable man perform back in the 70’s, in, of all places, Fresno). Shadoo-ba-dweet-dweet-doobie-shoobie-doo.

AND that’s what jazz sounds like, kids, when it’s performed by some of the brilliantly gifted folks who helped put it on the Music Map.

 *We know, we know… Another Wikipedia article, but it’s a nice overview, and this post is really NOT intended to be a lesson in Jazz, just an introduction to a fabulous Jazz singer, in an attempt to lift spirits — albeit, our own. 

**Perhaps some of you recall the fact that one of us (me) met this amazing woman back in her youth (mine, not Ella’s), in Canada. The fascinating tale of this momentous meeting can be found HERE. Ah yes, good times.

PS: Count your lucky stars (or whatever it is that you like to count, including, but not limited to, those dust bunnies congregating under your bed) we didn’t mention word one about last night’s elimination round of AMERICAN IDOL. That’s right, despite a number (one) of requests from our (my) veryvery smart tho’-sometimes-she-has-questionable-taste-when-it-comes-to-TV-shows sister, Dr. Terri, to reprise a series of brilliant posts (brilliant? hahahahaha!) that we (I) wrote last year about the show, we (I) decided not to. Mostly because we (I) haven’t seen it. We have it on good authority (hers) that our (my) decision not to watch was, and we quote: “stupid”.

~snuppy



Reality TV MadLibs! by mattresspolice
Thursday, 22 February 2007, 9:03am
Filed under: cracks us up, guest who?

It seems like just yesterday I was crashing this party, trying to get my hands on Princess Lampsha’s fortune, and now here I am introducing a guest poster, like I own the place. Anyway, this clever post was devised by a good friend of the Mattress Police, and now a friend of the Snark as well, Joel from Crummy Church Signs. If you haven’t visited CCS, you need to. I have said before, and I’ll say again, that his site probably has the highest laugh:word ratio of any site I’ve come across. You seriously won’t believe some of these godawful church signs. And Joel’s commentary… well, you’ll have to read it for yourself. Anyway, without further ado, I present Joel’s take on “reality” TV….

~Diesel

Joel

Hi everyone! This is Joel from Crummy Church Signs. Thanks to my new friends at the Snark for allowing me to guest post over here today. I appreciate the chance to extend myself beyond the genre of church-sign reviews. It may not appear so on the surface, but that particular genre can be pretty narrow sometimes.

Anyhow, to endear myself to a new readership, I though it might be fun to play a game! Do you remember MadLibs? A popular travel game in the 80’s, MadLibs had contestants pick out random words from categories (“verb”, “noun”, “proper name”), write them in blanks, and then turn a page to reveal a wacky story that they had just created.

Well, here is my first attempt at an on-line MadLibs game. Copy and paste the list below into Word, then type in words that fit in the 34 categories. Then print out the letter you see below the list (No Cheating! Do the list first!) and fill in your responses in the appropriately numbered blanks. See what a fun creation you have made!!

THE LIST:

(1) FIRST NAME: __________________________

(2) NAME OF MTV REALITY SHOW: (Choices might include “Real World”, “Road Rules”, “NEXT!”, “Dismissed”, “Date My Mom”, “Parental Control”, “The Gauntlet”, etc.) : ______________________

(3) ANY WORD THAT MEANS THE SAME AS “PREDETERMINED”:
  ___________________________

(4) ADJECTIVE THAT DESCRIBES “OUT OF WORK ACTORS”:
  ___________________________

(5) ACTIVITY THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ENJOY: ____________________

(6) ACTIVITY THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ENJOY BUT THEIR PARENTS DISAPPROVE OF: ____________________

(7) ACTIVITY THAT YOUNG PEOPLE ENJOY BUT THE LAWS OF ALL 50 STATES DISAPPROVE OF: __________________________

(8) PERCENT GREATER THAN 1.3%: _________________

(9) SYNONYM FOR “DRUNKEN”: ________________________

(10) SYNONYM FOR “REVELRY”: ________________________

(11) NAME(S) OF ANY BIBLICAL CITY (CITIES) THAT WERE COMPLETELY DESTROYED BY GOD IN HIS RIGHTEOUS ANGER:
___________________________________________

(12) SLIGHTLY RISQUE BODY PART(s): ____________________

(13) EXTREMELY RISQUE BODY PART(S): ____________________

(14) SLANG TERM FOR BODY PART(S) IN (12): __________________

(15) SLANG TERM FOR BODY PARTS IN (13): _______________

(16) ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 50 AND 99: __________________

(17) ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 90 AND 100: _________________

(18) ANY NUMBER BETWEEN 99 AND 100: _________________

(19) SYNONYM FOR “BOVINE EXCREMENT”: ________________________

(20) FAMOUS MURDERING DICTATOR: ____________________________

(21) FAMOUS SAINT: _____________________

(22) ANY USEFUL TALENT: _____________________

(23) ANY TALENT THAT, WHILE UNUSEFUL, AT LEAST PROVIDES SOME FORM OF MILD ENTERTAINMENT TO OTHERS: _________________

(24) ANY TALENT THAT SERVES NO USEFUL PURPOSE OR HAS NO ENTERTAINMENT VALUE WHATSOEVER:
 _____________________________________________

(25) SEXUAL PREFERENCE:  _________________

(26) A DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAN (25): _________________

(27) A DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAN (25) or (26):
__________________________________

(28) A DIFFERENT SEXUAL PREFERENCE THAN (25), (26), or (27):
____________________________________

(29) A NUMBER LESS THAN 12: ______________________

(30) A NUMBER LARGER THAN 21: ____________________

(31) ANY NUMBER IN THE TEENS: ________________

(32) ANY INTIMATE ACT THAT INVOLVES NO MORE OR NO LESS THAN GETTING TO SECOND OR THIRD BASE: _____________________________

(33) PARENTAL UNIT: ______________________________

(34) ONE OF THE NAMES OF THE DEVIL: ______________________

After choosing these 34 responses, click on the picture below, print it off, and fill in your responses in the appropriately numbered blanks. Enjoy!

MTV Form

~Joel

You can find lots of ________ and _________ at humor-blogs.com.



Whiny Wednesday by Snuppy
Wednesday, 21 February 2007, 9:44am
Filed under: whatevers

lucyTHIS post-haste little post is destined to be unpostworthy of the tasty post-it posted here yesterday by that damned delightful reeler-inner-of-all-things-related-to-film, DIESEL. Nor is it likely to hold a drippy candle to the postastic post posted over the weekend by that daringly delicious spinner-outter-of-super-good-songs-she-spots, DJ LAMPSHA. Sometimes, posting is very suck, because we simply have no clue what to say, let alone write, let alone post — especially when we’re forced to follow the aforementioned delightful and/or delicious postabulous duo (damned, daring, and/or otherwise) we just, er… mentioned. Call it post-partum depression — that’s what we do, in our deepest, darkest moments of non-posting-post-what-post?-we-ain’t-got-no-post posting-without-inspiration despair.

SO, um, this post is about not posting, because we simply have nothing to say. Zip. Zero. Nada. That said (or not said, as the case may be), this post is NOT about being a WORDLESS WEDNESDAY post, because, if we’ve said it once, we’ve said it once: we like words, and plan to use as many as we can as often as we can, whether we have the ability to string them together in coherent sentences, or not. Today would be an excellent example of that, we suppose. Suppose? Heh, you can take that statement to the bank. ‘Course ya can’t cash it, because the check it’s written on is post-dated for sometime down the road, when we will have something to say in a post that is a post.

HAVE we ever mentioned how much We Love Lucy? We have? Well, it bears repeating, especially since we just found a clip from one of her most famous skits that puts our inability to properly express ourselves into perspective. Tomorrow we plan to drink a bottle or two of VITAMETAVEGEMIN*, in hopes of loosening our own sorry brain cells/tongues and/or fingers, and then let’s see who’s posting a post worth posting and/or reading, shall we? We shall.

(Don’t bother adjusting your computers, the audio isn’t quite synced up to the video — not unlike the way our brains fail to sync up with our tongues and/or fingers, and we wind up wroyomh smv/pt sfkting kujw lusp. Swi?)

*Those of us who have been sober for decades will surely not be doing this, Shirley. Though, in fits of posting despair, we often find ourselves tempted to throw ourselves not just off the wagon, but under it.

~snuppy