Filed under: Pop! goes the Diesel
Well, I hope you all had as good an Inappropriate Card Day as I did. I barely had time to slap together this post, what with the festivities and card exchanging and, uh, more festivities. Man, this holiday needs some frilling up. Sorry if you missed it; I tried to alert as many of my fellow bloggers as I could. Anyway, on to the Oscar post.
I was so excited during the Oscars Sunday night that I almost turned on the TV to watch them. There’s something about a bunch of plastic people with fake smiles and empty heads wearing ridiculous outfits and interacting in a completely artificial environment that really rings my bell. By the time I put my Star Wars figures away, the Oscars were over.
Not having watched the show handicaps me a bit in terms of recapping the ceremony, though no more so than all the armchair nitwits who suddenly become cinema gurus every year around the middle of February, not only predicting who will win, but stating with rock solid moral authority who should win. These people couldn’t tell a gaffer from a key grip, and yet we’re supposed to take it on their word that Apocalypto‘s sound editing beats that of Blood Diamond hands down. Idiots.
Aside: I love the fact that they give awards for editing. 90% of editing is figuring out what bits of film (or sound) to leave out of a movie. How do you give an award for not including something? That’s like giving Matthew McConaughey an award for all the crappy roles he didn’t take.
Anyway, here’s my recap, er… cap of the Oscars, based on my unrivaled expertise in the area of capping shows I haven’t seen about movies I haven’t seen:
- Plans were thrown into complete disarray when it was announced that Ellen Degeneres had been diagnosed with a chronic case of not being very funny. She was replaced at the last minute by Scarlett Johanssen’s cleavage. No one seemed to mind.
- Peter O’Toole won the Best Actor Oscar, forcing the Academy to admit that they made up the movie he was nominated for to see if anybody was paying attention.
- In an embarrassing scene, Tom Hanks was accosted in an alley on his way to the theater by a bag lady who turned out to be Meg Ryan.
- Pirates of the Caribbean won the award for Best Technical Shit We Don’t Care About.
- Al Gore something something lose something something academy something something election [polite laughter and applause].
- In a shocking upset, Eddie Murphy was un-nominated for his performance in Dreamgirls when someone opened a door and the stench from Norbit wafted in.
- Alejandro González Iñárritu won the award for Hardest Name to Engrave on a Plaque. The award was accepted by Al Gonzalez.
- The big winner of the night was The Departed. That’s right, me. I was in bed by 10pm.
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