Central Snark

Oscar Cap by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 27 February 2007, 9:14am
Filed under: Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselWell, I hope you all had as good an Inappropriate Card Day as I did. I barely had time to slap together this post, what with the festivities and card exchanging and, uh, more festivities. Man, this holiday needs some frilling up. Sorry if you missed it; I tried to alert as many of my fellow bloggers as I could. Anyway, on to the Oscar post.

I was so excited during the Oscars Sunday night that I almost turned on the TV to watch them. There’s something about a bunch of plastic people with fake smiles and empty heads wearing ridiculous outfits and interacting in a completely artificial environment that really rings my bell. By the time I put my Star Wars figures away, the Oscars were over.

Not having watched the show handicaps me a bit in terms of recapping the ceremony, though no more so than all the armchair nitwits who suddenly become cinema gurus every year around the middle of February, not only predicting who will win, but stating with rock solid moral authority who should win. These people couldn’t tell a gaffer from a key grip, and yet we’re supposed to take it on their word that Apocalypto‘s sound editing beats that of Blood Diamond hands down. Idiots.

Meg RyanAside: I love the fact that they give awards for editing. 90% of editing is figuring out what bits of film (or sound) to leave out of a movie. How do you give an award for not including something? That’s like giving Matthew McConaughey an award for all the crappy roles he didn’t take.

Anyway, here’s my recap, er… cap of the Oscars, based on my unrivaled expertise in the area of capping shows I haven’t seen about movies I haven’t seen:

  • Plans were thrown into complete disarray when it was announced that Ellen Degeneres had been diagnosed with a chronic case of not being very funny. She was replaced at the last minute by Scarlett Johanssen’s cleavage. No one seemed to mind.
  • Peter O’Toole won the Best Actor Oscar, forcing the Academy to admit that they made up the movie he was nominated for to see if anybody was paying attention.
  • In an embarrassing scene, Tom Hanks was accosted in an alley on his way to the theater by a bag lady who turned out to be Meg Ryan.
  • Pirates of the Caribbean won the award for Best Technical Shit We Don’t Care About.
  • Al Gore something something lose something something academy something something election [polite laughter and applause].
  • In a shocking upset, Eddie Murphy was un-nominated for his performance in Dreamgirls when someone opened a door and the stench from Norbit wafted in.
  • Alejandro González Iñárritu won the award for Hardest Name to Engrave on a Plaque. The award was accepted by Al Gonzalez.
  • The big winner of the night was The Departed. That’s right, me. I was in bed by 10pm.



14 Comments so far
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well i, for one, had a perfectly lovely Inappropriate Card Day, Diesel, and am now scouring the card shops in anticipation of next year’s festive festivities, which i just know will be more… uh… festive than this year’s festive-i-ness.

as for your Oscar “Cap”? i’d say you capped it off pretty well (but then, aside from that Dreamgirls “moment”, we didn’t watch the show, either) that said, i would have missed Ellen Degeneres, as A) i am a fan. a big fan. an adoring fan. and B) i am not a fan of Scarlett Johanssen’s (or “Johanshanssen”, as i just wrote it before i realized my mistake) cleavage, despite the fact that i’m told it’s spectacular. (or is that Teri Hatcher? i always get those two sets of boobs confused). Meg Ryan a bag lady? hah! i wondered what happened to her after Nora Ephron stopped writing that insipid “romantic comedies for her. (“that”, because, let’s face it, her movies are all variations of “When Harry Met Sally” — only the names and the locations have been changed to protect the potential for profit)

good to know you got enough sleep. i’m sure that accounts — in part — for the hilarity of this post. xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

The Oscars? They’re still on TV? Nice recap Diesel from another who just can’t bring himself to care or be board for the four hours of paint dryingly dull “entertainment.”

Comment by BoBo

Somehow I missed it again this year too, huh, you’d almost thing I didn’t care about them at all.
Nice review thought, glad you didn’t let reality cloud your vision, I hate it when that happens.

Comment by logo™

Somehow I missed it too – I think it was my excitement leading up to Inappropriate Card Day!

You’re recapping or uncapping or putting a lid on the Oscars actually provides crib notes for those of us who didn’t see so we can as officiously disucss something we didn’t see. Thanks.

Comment by Lampsha

bobo: we meant to watch, tho’, didn’t we? no, wait… i think i got “watching the Oscars” confused with “getting a colonoscopy”, again. xox

logo™: i doubt anyone will ever accuse Diesel of having vision “clouded” by reality and/or judgement anytime soon. (and thank G*d for that, right?) 🙂 xox

Lampsha: it’s a wonder any of us were able to get anything done prior to Inappropriate Card Day, what with all the anticipation. as for the Oscars? i’m laughing and laughing at the moment, because, tho’ i suspect you intended to write “discuss”, you wrote DISUCSS, which seems like the perfect thing to do/say with regards to not just the Oscars, but *all* awards shows. “Yo, dis sucks.” “Word, yo.”. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy


Comment by LAMPSHA

Nice post, Diesel.

To me, “Best Actor” translates to “The Guy Who, After Being Given an Unlimited Number of Opportunities to Get It Right, Proved to Be the Best at Pretending to Be Somebody Else In a Movie Last Year.”

Substitute “Girl” for “Guy” and you’ve got “Best Actress.” For the TONY awards, simply delete the phrase “After Being Given an Unlimited Number of Opportunities to Get It Right.”

Pardon mon Francais, but entertainment award shows are exactly the kind of overproduced ticket-and-DVD-marketing publicity stunts you’d expect from the folks who, after all, perfected the circle jerk.

Comment by Al

I had a very nice Inappropriate Card Day, thankyouverymuch!

And I never make it to the end of the Oscars, either. This year was particularly dull, even though I did like Ellen D’s emceeing. I just didn’t really care about the movies this year, I guess. And I agree, it’s all SO self-congratulatory, and all everyone seems to do is pose all night. A local fashion guru criticized Meryl Streep for not wearing enough makeup! That culture can’t even deal with reality.

Comment by actonbell

I laughed. He sure is brilliant, this Diesel dude!
I actually watched the Oscars, believe it or not: they air in Icleand via life transmission. You guys sure have a heck of advertisements in between. Annoys us to no end! I had a night shift and that was the only thing on telly…

Plastic and fake smiles (a thing Europeans constantly observe about Americans, you all have teh same teeth!) were in plentitude and few surprises. But in her defense, i have to say-for my part- Ellen Degeneres was the better part of the eveing!

Comment by Penguin

I think Al Gore was also deified that night or so I’ve heard.

Comment by Claire

Bah, I read your post up until “Scarlet Johanssen’s cleavage” then decided to watch the first few scenes from “Lost in Translation” because she parades around in undies. Wooh!

Comment by Malnurtured Snay

I’m sure this post (“cap”) could have been much longer, but the music cut you off just as you were getting going, right Diesel?

Comment by CrummyJoel

Man, I can barely be bothered to show up for my own post these days. Thanks for stopping by, everybody. Glad it was worth a laugh or two. Well, you know what the music means….

Comment by Diesel

Diesel: this post was hilarious. hahaha–larry–ous. next time stop talking to Ryan SeAcrest on that red carpet and get your ass inside a little sooner. that way you’ll be able to enjoy the accolades, en sa totalité. heck, for the sheer pleasure of seeing your happy little avatar, i’ll even tell the orchestra to hold off on their “get off the freakin’ stage” song for a few extra moments. (unless there’s a break scheduled in there, somewhere, then, y’know, my hands are tied.) xox

Comment by snuppy

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