Central Snark


Hammering Out Another Post by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 20 March 2007, 8:04am
Filed under: happy happy, Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselI’m desperate.

Writer’s block is a problem I rarely have. So many bizarre ideas are floating around my head at any given time that it’s usually only a matter of assembling them in some kind of semi-coherent fashion and then putting a cork in it at the right moment.

Today, though, I’m tired. I’ve been framing walls all day, and whoever said that sitting at a desk for 10 hours a day responding to idiotic emails was adequate preparation for hammering together two-by-sixes is a damned liar. Nobody said it? Ah, that’s what I get for assuming.

I understand that writer’s block is a problem that affects a lot of bloggers, though, so I figured, “Why not write about that? Perhaps it will endear me to the little people.” I tried to imagine what a writer desperate for a topic might do. Being a writer myself — and not just any writer, but a writer with a giant brain, most of which is taken up by my phenomenal imagination, I had little trouble visualizing this scenario. “I know just what such a pathetic wretch might do!” I exclaimed within the cavernous vault of my brain. And just like that, I did a Google search for “Writing Prompt.”

Today’s Writing Prompt: While rummaging through your attic, you find an old dusty typewriter with a half-completed letter in it. Immediately, you realize who the author was and her intentions. In honor of that person, finish the letter. (From the Writer’s Digest website)

Ha! No problem. Observe the master:

…and probably some lettuce too.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Chenowith

There! I don’t know what you people are always complaining about. As you can see, for a real writer, even such a rudimentary prompt unleashes a torrent of… what? More? Okay, fine.

P.S.: The toilet is acting up again.

Do you see what I’ve done? I’ve created a sense of tension. Will the toilet get fixed? Why is it acting up ‘again’? Was it fixed once, but shoddily? Is this letter a thinly veiled rebuke, perhaps of her no-account layabout husband who always has time for one more round at the pub but can’t seem to keep the toilet from running all night? What’s that? Resolution? Well, of course there must be a resolution! Every real writer knows you can’t create tension without ultimately resolving it. Watch this:

P.P.S: Nevermind, it seems to be working now.

And just like that, the narrative tension that we previously… Look, who’s writing this story anyhow? Not a satisfying resolution? What do you want the toilet to do, make calimari for you? It’s a friggin’ toilet, for Pete’s sake. What? Oh for — FINE.

P.P.S: Nevermind, it seems to be working now.

P.P.S: Nevermind, I’m sick of the f—ing toilet not working and I’m sick of you. I hate our life. Keep the children. I’m leaving you.

THE END.

Happy? Screw this. Write your own damn post.

~Diesel

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13 Comments so far
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after spending a marathon 8 1/2 hours behind the wheel of my car (not driving, just sitting) i, too, am tired beyond composition, nevermind commenting. and yet, here i am — doing just that.

too funny, and thanks for the fantastic “idea” (Reader’s Digest)! after overcoming my angst about that toilet (will it overflow? did someone put lettuce in it? who the hell is Mrs. Chenowith?) i realized that i, too, can incorporate this nifty device next time i’m exhausted beyond words. either that, or i can whine in hopes of convincing you to do one, for me (worked out well, this time… surely you’ve got more half-finished letters in that attic of yours, Shirley) 😉 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

AIEEEE!!! Snuppy here: Yesterday was our LITTLE BLUE PILL’S BIRTHDAY. How the hell I missed making a connection between a Little Blue Pill and Big Blue Men is beyond me, but I did it. Not only that, but TODAY is our CATTY YUMMY MUMMY’S BIRTHDAY!! Feliz Cumpleaños amiga!!!! xoxoxoxxoxoxox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Poor, poor Puppy…..8 1/2 hours…that is just too much…hope it was worth it.
BTW the bathroom toilet is ower flowing Mermaids happyily swimming around…Oh!!! it is not April 1st yet…never mind!!! I will get back to you on this…now block it from your mind 😉

Diesel great post, now do you think you can fix blogger…seems it’s down again.

Happy, Happy Birthday Catty Yummy Mummy…now get you a.. back to SF 😉

What, what’s that you say “This is not a chat room”

Comment by Mo'a

Snuppy! 8 and a half hours? IT certainly must have been some destination you were looking for. Hope you didn;t get lost somewhere in downtown New York!

Diesel! Even if you just chew and spit out undigested mumble, you still are very funny. No go fix that toilet!

Miz B! A wonderful birthday to you! All the best and little celebration wave in honor of you!

Comment by Penguin

Diesel,
To avoid writer’s block, all you need to do is start a blog with an exceptionally narrow topic base, then have your readers supply the material for you.

Not that I know anybody like that or anything….

Comment by CrummyJoel

Happy Birthday Miz B!!! 🙂

Comment by cj

Thanks, folks. Next time I’ll try starting on the post when my brain isn’t literally fried (CA sun, you know).

You may see me doing another guest post this week to help out our even more exhausted Snuppy Puppy. Not to mention shamelessly plugging a new feature I’ll be announcing at MattressPolice on Friday. 🙂

Comment by Diesel

‘…endear me to the little people…’ You think the midgets like you now?

Comment by Robin

Excellent advice…perhaps now I can manage more than one or two posts a month?

Happy B-day Miz.

Comment by BoBo

They were the best of times, they were the worst of times,they were the times of stuffed up toilets. Magical indeed.

Don’t frame yourself into a corner.

Hahahaha – okay fine, it really wasn’t funny, I’m just tired.

Comment by LAMPSHA

News of the Weird. Or Flickr. Those are my writer’s block outlets. Although at the moment I have 103 half-finished posts sitting in my drafts folder, so it’s not so much writer’s block as laziness that’s getting to me.

Also, the fact that I’m expecting a baby (September) and having ridiculous complications doesn’t help much either.

Comment by Anita

This is magnificent. I am adding this blog to my collection too! *snip! snip!*

Comment by Tanya

Diesel, you are a certified goofball!

Comment by Claire




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