Central Snark


How to Write a Funny Blog by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 27 March 2007, 8:55am
Filed under: FYI (ish), lists, Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselDo you wish you had a funny blog? Of course you do. Everybody wants a funny blog. Funny blogs are da bomb. Are the kids still saying “da bomb”? If they are, then that was a good example of topical humor. Or at least a topical sentence, assuming “da” is an article.

Anyway, that’s exactly the kind of hit-and-miss crap you’ll find on my blog all day long. And with my simple eight step program, your blog could be just as funny. Now, because of my love for humanity and inability to get anyone to pay $39.95 for my pamphlet entitled Eight Steps to a Funny Blog, I present an abbreviated version of the program here:

Step 1: Write what you know. If you never leave the house and all you know about is your cats, write about that. Writing what you know allows you to utilize excruciating detail to compensate for the fact that your cats are no different from 80 million other fluff-coated fatballs that nobody gives a shit about.

Step 2: Write about how “crazy” your life is, especially if your life is fantastically dull. For example, let’s say that your toilet overflowed just as you needed to leave to pick the kid up from soccer. That’s what I call a “manicdote” – A story that has a sense of urgency but otherwise is of absolutely no interest to anyone. Manicdotes are pure gold, because (a) people can relate to them; (b) they keep people from feeling bad because your life is more interesting than theirs; and (c) they are a great excuse to use tons of exclamation points!!!

Step 3: Use familiar phrases to evoke a sense of wackiness, such as “You can’t make this stuff up!!!” This particular phrase is quite useful for camouflaging a story that could very well have been made up, but in all likelihood should not have been. Other gems are: “You don’t have to be crazy to read this blog – but it helps!!!” and “Blogging hard or hardly blogging?!!”

Step 4: Pick a joke and stick with it. Don’t confuse your readers by taking your post in strange and unexpected directions. For example, if you think George W. Bush is stupid, introduce that idea in your first paragraph and then take another 16 paragraphs working up to a punchline in which it is revealed that he is, in fact, quite stupid. The payoff chuckle is well worth the 20 minutes of buildup.

Step 5: If you run out of material, copy and paste jokes from an email that’s going around the office. You know, the one about the differences between how men and women drive, or the one with the list of silly things that kids say about going pee-pee and whatnot. Even if we’ve all seen them a hundred times before, it’s probably been a good three weeks since the last time. What’s a blog for if not endlessly repeating other people’s jokes?

Step 6: Break the rules. Don’t feel constrained by other people’s notions of proper grammar, spelling or capitalization. Far more important than following these arbitrary rules is the copious use of smileys and abbreviations like “LOL” to telegraph your point to the reader.

Step 7: Whine about your stupid jerk boss or your ex-spouse (or even better, current spouse!). You won’t sound immature or bitter. Just darned funny.

Step 8: Always end your posts on a positive note. People love that kind of stupid crap.

~Diesel

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24 Comments so far
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Dear Diesel,

I have just enrolled in your 8 step program for funny blog writing, following a less-than-successful and/or satisfying stint in a 21-step program for cleve blog writing (which I failed to complete, due to my inability to recognize the fact that I don’t wish to write “cleve” blogs, as I don’t even know what they are), and a 2-step program on “how to read funny blogs” (1. read 2. laugh — or LOL, as you so succinctly put it). $39.95 is a small price to pay for the skills I plan to acquire herein, or therein, or in case of emergency. Thank you for your time, and cleve post. You are da bomb!

Sincerely and clevely,

Snuppy

Comment by One Hot Puppy

ROTFLALAL!!!!

Comment by LAMPSHA

I think I just ordered roti and falafel.

Comment by LAMPSHA

That was hilarious. I’d pay for that pamphlet and woud even alow you to keep teh change of my 5 dollar bill 😉

According to your steps, my blog is darn funny and I like that re-assurance every now and again. You saw my clip about how men and women shower differently, right????

Morning my dear snarksters.

Comment by Penguin

Awesome! I’m so glad you’re validating my gnarly humor blog. Sometimes I don’t know why other people don’t recognize how “crazy” my life really is. Sometimes its so crazy all I have time to blog about is the mildly humorous email making its way around the office. I mean, how else are my readers supposed to get exposed to that stuff??

Comment by mojotek

Diesel, this may be your best work yet. Man this was funny.

In a deliciously ironic twist, I can see somebody copying htis post, pasting it in an email, sending it out to his or her email list, and it becoming a post on a bunch of other people’s blogs.

Hmmmmm….

Comment by CrummyJoel

Wow, I’m glad you liked it. I thought I might have come across as extra-grumpy but not particularly funny. It’s good to know that the amount of time I spend on a post bears absolutely no relation to how well it is received. 🙂

And Penguin – Yes, I saw the shower post, but you can get away with it. Are you home yet?

Clevely yours,
Diesel

Comment by Diesel

When I run out of material, I just tell dick jokes. Works every time.

Comment by tfg

Cool post

Comment by Kelly

I know one thing! You can’t make advice like this up!! 🙂 LOL 🙂 ROTFLMAO 😀 Woot!!! Woot!!!!

On a postive note… my cat is no longer stuck in the toilet!!!!!

XOXOXOXO

Comment by Bice

I’m a little offended that you beat me to the punch with that “my toilet is overflowing” idea, but otherwise, you gave some sound advice overall.

For what it’s worth (and I know I’m just pimping my own blog here), I also tried to offer some advice on writing funny-make-’em-ups, though I’m not sure if I was quite as effective.

Comment by Eric Spitznagel

lol, I like the advice you give about whining, then being positive at the end. I do that, sometimes, out of guilt.

Comment by actonbell

thanks to Lampsha, we’re having rotini AND falafala(lalala) for dinner. oh wait, no we’re not. we’re having tuna. don’t tell BoBo. (sorry, Lampsha, but that cracked me up) xox

based on the responses thus far, it would seem e-mails involving cats with dicks, stuck in overflowing toilets will be the secret to my bloggy success. that IS cleve. thanks Diesel! i said it begore — which is like “before” only different (damn my poor typing skills, anyway!) — and i’ll say it again: you’re da bomb. da bomb’s bomb. da bomb’s bomb exploding on a cat’s dick, inside an overflowing toilet. xox

as far as i can tell, the ONLY thing you left out — with regards to properly expressing yourself within the context of a post — is the all important ((((((((hug)))))))) (sorry, it couldn’t be helped).

Comment by snuppy

Aw, ((((Diesel))), poor grumpy soul, you make me LMAO and ROTF- at the same time!!!!!! 🙂 🙂
You are sooooo special…

Comment by Claire

:mrgreen:

i still don’t know what that green emoticonda guy stands for, but i’m guessing he could be worked nicely into a post about overflowing toilets with exploding cat dicks, at some point in time. maybe like this?

“…and then, the cat’s dick exploded in the toilet, and there was nothing left to do but call our roto-rooter man. Fortunately, he came out in a flush, and quickly solved the problem. Golly, those folks are awesome. ((((( :mrgreen: )))))”

maybe not.

Comment by snuppy

Hey man,
You forgot to put the cat on the roof.
GS

Comment by Glacial Spain

Diesel,
Thank you SOOOO much for giving me permission to publicly complain about my spouse! I love it! I can’t promise a positive ending unless it involves he himself getting stuck in the toilet or his penis exploding,(not in a good way) and I definitely plan on using a ton of exclamation marks! I think I’ll write a blog on my site now about what a “Crust Gestapo he is” when he threatens the family that we’d better not take another slice of pizza until we’ve finished the outer crust! THERE IS NO NUTRITIONAL VALUE IN CRUST!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks. I’m leaving to vent, I mean write about it now. :0)

Comment by Random Ponderings

So halfway through the post you decided to sabotage your readers future efforts? I ask that, because the first two are good. I’m pretty sure you borrowed the last 6 from “How To Write a mySpace Blog”.

Comment by Gregory

Hopefully, someone will post after me so I won’t be the rotten egg ! When will your “Blogging for Idiots” be published? Will there be a book signing party? If so, I’ll bring the whiskey-in-a-jug. May I have permission to use your mug shot back at your place?

Comment by swampwitch

Diesel, that’s hilarious. I did something similar back in April ’06 where I made a post template based on all the crappy blogs I had run across trying to find good ones.

Comment by Howard

Fantastic suggestions. I also think all perfectly “funny” posts have to convey that you, the author think you are spectacularly humorous. Especially if what you’re writing about is utterly dull and common. Thus, it is essential to insert a LOL somewhere in the post which will function like a laugh track – pointing out the “humor” that one with humor might have overlooked.

Comment by Monica Hamburg

haha count me in… I’ll try to work on my manicdote thank you very much

Comment by lachy

Very good logical flow of information. Thank you cause I really needed this!!

Comment by Brendan Carr

[…] So why not try to use it in your blog? Of course, writing to be funny is easier said than done. Seek out some tips and give it a go on your […]

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