Central Snark


We Comment by Snuppy
Wednesday, 28 March 2007, 9:30am
Filed under: whatevers

teacher and kidsWE know what we said on Monday. We said we’d tell you about our fun/fabulous week with teh PENGUIN — now doing her best to spread smiles across the West coast, in spite of the fact she’s been hanging out with a certain CURMUDGEON, who’d prefer to do anything but (smile).  And we plan to do that, eventually — although we doubt we’ll be able to improve on the account offered by LAMPSHA (who most certainly does not suck), but that’s beside the point. The point, for we think we had one when we got here, is that following the hilarious/insightful post DIESEL did yesterday, we believe we’d be remiss if we didn’t offer up a few helpful tips for proper responses to any and/or all “funny posts” you’ll surely encounter as you meander along the yellow brick road through our Blog, Shirley. And don’t ask us to explain what the hell that means. Most of the time we just write the first thing that pops in to our head, we can’t be bothered to explore why it’s there in the first place.  

Now, where were we? Oh yeah. In the year or so since we took it upon ourselves to set up our humble little blog, we’ve noticed something about ourselves: We like comments. We need comments. Without comments we feel like our time has been wasted and we honestly wonder why we’re here. With comments, we realize we’ve wasted our time, but that someone appreciates it, so it’s okay that we’re here. By now you must be wondering to yourselves (maybe even to each other): “How can we help you feel even better than you already do about yourselves, your blog, and/or our comments?” Glad you asked. Below we’ve attempted to outline our “7-Step” Program, which we affectionately refer to (in the privacy of our own blog) as CRAPPER:

1. Comment. Make it a good one. Use a few well chosen words.

2. Respond in a way that indicates you’ve actually read something remotely related to the post for which you’re leaving a comment. In other words, “Hey, great tip, I tried something like that on my couch once, but it left a stain.” probably won’t convince us that you studied our carefully crafted words about how Stephen Colbert pwn3d Bill O’Reilly a few weeks ago. Unless, of course, something did get pwn3d on your couch — in which case we want you to explain, in graphic detail. Especially the part about what the hell “pwn3d” is, because we really don’t know. That said, if you’re just blowing comment smoke up our asses, pwn on your wn time, and use a towel. 

3. Avoid trickery. Don’t you dare try to drag us over to your tawdry website with promises of larger penises, Howard Stern’s discontinued fragrances (really), and/or opportunities to watch mothers bake cookies while their daughters have sex with with mutant goldfish. We fell for those things once upon a time — but that was then and this is now. Oh, and we don’t need any more “designer” handbags, either. We might be interested in your “get rich quick” plan, but only if it involves a dying Princess and/or dead philanthropist who wanted to “do good works” with her/his funds, rather than give them to family members who haven’t “paid their dues”. Our dues are not only paid, we have reciepts (somewhere at the bottom of our designer bag).

4. Print. It’s hard enough for us to read our own handwriting, don’t force us to decipher yours.

5. Praise us. Tell us we’re pretty. Or pretty funny. Or funny pretty much most of the time. Or pretty much anything you like, because, did we mention we like comments? Tell us we’re pretty, throw in a “winky” face, and we’ll be yours forever, or until we check out your blog and decide we like it and/or you. Speaking of “winky faces”…

6. Emote.   and  are charming devices for saying “Golly, not only did I read this post, i sort of enjoyed it and/or at least it didn’t make me throw up in my mouth a little, so thanks for that.” 😉

7. Resist the urge to say “Wow! This post is just like the one I wrote today! Come check it out! Hurry! Follow me!” As far as we’re concerned, you may as well write “Come read my blog, because I’m a far better writer than you are, dumbshit. Neener neener neener.” Guess what? Stuff like that will get us over to your blog. That’s where we will slap you. Oh, and we won’t leave happy/winky faces, X’s, O’s, or ((hugs)) — not that we’re likely to do that last thing, anyway, because, really, (((hugs)))? Seems so… tentative. Like, well, it’s a hug, but it’s wrapped inside parentheses, so, like, it’s an afterthought. Or an injection. An injected afterthought. In parentheses. With X’s and O’s. What is this, Tic-Tac-Toe? No, it’s a blog. What? Why did we just say that? Hell if we know. If you’re so freaking curious, re-read the last sentence of the first paragraph, then tell us. We’ll be waiting for you in the back corner of the comment section, wrapped inside a parenthetical cage of our own emotion.

Note: Don’t mention this post to the folks over at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM. No telling what might happen if it’s discovered we’re not only NOT funny, but pathetic in our whorish attempts to get attention by leaping on to DIESEL’S cleve/brillaint blog-tails when he wasn’t looking.

~snuppy

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13 Comments so far
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last night this seemed like a great idea. i laughed at myself (i do that a lot), i cried (not really, but it sounds good), i tap-tap-tapped out all this crap before realizing it was not only NOT hilarious, it was dumb. but, as everyone knows (or should by now) i’m nothing, if not lazy. chances are always good that, if after taking the time to write out something, lame and/or otherwise, it WILL see the light of day, because, really… what are the odds i’m gonna come up with anything better and/or even mildly humorous on short notice? especially when i can’t come up with anything on long notice. slim and none, i tell ya, slim and none. 😉

Comment by One Hot Puppy

A few well chosen words…would not, could not properly articulate my indebtedness (where’s one of those aforementioend in your wonderful post 🙂 dead heiresses when you need one) to you for this wonderful system of commenting!!! CRAPPER – perfect.

So let’s see, that’s C and R taken care of. Do not come to my crummy blog EXPLODING CAT DICKS because chances are it will only pale in comparison to this brilliant post written by one of the funniest prettiest wittiest ladies of the blogsophere!!!:) 🙂 🙂 😉 Okay, that’s APP.

Oh, I took care of the E, but just to let you know I didn’t throw up in my mouth a little – really I am sure it was just indigestion from breakfast – :)!!!

R: I am sure I’ve never stooped written anything remotely like this.

Having said all that, I just can’t wait for tomorrow’s post. Hope springs eternal (((((XOXOX))))). Oh wait, no parenthetical cages?

(By the way, parenthetical cages of our own emotion? Don’t look now but I think I will have to swipe that one!!!)

XOXOX

Comment by LAMPSHA

what a well crafted post completely unlike the Birthday wishes I posted today for my elder Thing.
A style completely dissimilar and so enjoyable and witty. It brought tears to my eyes, or perhaps that was the tea I drank before it cooled.
Thank you kindly for your schooling on this matter.
:p

Comment by logo™

Brilliant! Bravo! Woohoo! 🙂 🙂 🙂

/grandious placating

Snuppy, I won’t stand for anyone calling your posts dumb, not even you, missy! Lovelovelove your wit and you deserve to be recognized for it (calling all bloggy humor awards!).

((((((((hugs)))))))))

Comment by Sar

Oh my lawdy LAWD I am so laughing my ass off and bouncing up and down on the couch as I clap in pure joy and mirth like the demented fool that I am, so in awe of your fabulously woven words of pure comedic genius! I KID YOU NOT!!!

How ever do you create such faboo posts and thoughts and comedy bang, bang, SHABAM from that pretty, beautiful, woweeee cabezita of yours? Hmmm? Bohemian minds want to know and though my words may sound oh so sweet that you may want to puke (and harumph to that if that be the case!), know that the feeling and sentiment and emotion and all that good stuff is indeed sincere! SINCERE I TELL YOU!!!!

I have no fucking clue, NO FUCKING CLUE, what pw3nd is and that has this bohemian peeved at the time that is missed, by her (who else? DUH!), in the blogosphere! Oh *sighetty sigh*! Woe is me DAS FO SHO!

I have nothing to say about penises but hope to have something up, soon, about where penises like to visit… is this a way to drag you all over to my place? Not really, I am quite bashful about that, plus, I have yet to put anything up and it will be some hours, if I even get to it so seeing that I am resisting such urges I will also mention that I hate, HATE, HATE, HAAAAATE (GOT THAT PEEPS?) this ((((((hugs)))))) thing because it makes me think of a skinny wee lass of a man making a cutesy girly girl face, looking constipated as he shrugs his shoulders in towards his chest, reaches out his pathetic twiglike arms, fingers outstretched desperately towards us as he squeaks out “hugs”! UGH! FUCK NO!

As for emoting, I am NOT ;)ing about the whole damn hugging thang though I am very 🙂 to have made it in today because I miss the Snark and see so many new faces here I am scared and shy and need to get my ass back… am I lying? Scared and shy? It happens… but not too often…

Ok… I gotta go tend to some whores.

Oh… I have satisfied, I hope, #5, #2, #3, #7, #6 in that order and #1 and #4 are automatically covered! Phew! SLAM DUNK BABY!!!! WOOH, WOOH, WOOOH!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

That was meant to be 😉 ing and not ;)ing…

And my ass back into gear, not “my ass back” cause it is still here and the some! Crap, now I am depressed! Chocolate anyone?

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

You forgot the part about how we’re not supposed to put links to our blogs in BIG BOLD PRINT. Especially if we want you to come and vote in our fantastic CAPTION CONTEST.

Man, I’ve been hanging out here too long. I’m writing with the royal “we” now.

Comment by Diesel

No, no, NO Diesel! I gots me some whores (yes I said WHORES!) over at my place as well as psychics and mobsters and Arabs… oh MY!

AAAAAH!

Is that how I am supposed to pimp it up? Geee! You’d think I’d have a clue after hangin’ with prostitutes! 😉

How’s that for a shameless #7? Hmmm?

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Lampsha: ((((((((((((( 😀 ))))))))))))) you so funny, pretty Lampshade, me likey. (what? did i say anything about being PC and/or NOT responding in asian whore-speak? besides, YOU’RE the one who brought up those exploding cat dicks…) as my NBFF, you are free to swipe anything from me at anytime (except my husband, HIM i keep!) xox

logo™: and i didn’t throw up in my mouth once whilst reading your lovely tribute to Thing One — he’s a little doll! hope he had a fab birthday (trust me, just wait until he hits 20, suddenly those birthdays seem scary) xox

Sar: GIRLFRIEND! how happyhappyhappy it makes me to see you here! (((((((hugs))))))) to you, too. 😉 xox

CYM: oooh, amiga, how we all lovelovelove to see your happy little FO SHO’s in the Snark! FO! SHO! 🙂 yeah, i’m gettin’ obnoxious here, aren’t i? that said, not only do you have a FAB NEW POST UP, i managed to sneak in with the first comment (tho’ i hope you’ll pardon the fact that i kind of forgot my own rules. d’oh!) laughing at your imagery regarding the ((hugs)) — it reminds me of a series i once considered sharing here, called SALAD FINGERS, until i decided it was too weird/creepy for our dear/demented readers (tho’ i kind of like it, but then, maybe that’s because i’m weird/creepy and/or overly demented) xox

Diesel: since you are officialy part of the “we”, i believe it’s fine for you to refer to us that way. or is it “refer to yourself” that way? whatever it is, i’m glad you linked to your contest again, as it saves me the trouble of doing it myself. and thanks again for yesterday’s hilarious post — which might have been even more hilarious had you elected to use it LAST FREAKING WEEK when i needed it. no wait, that’s not what i mean. i mean, i DID need it last week, but it was perfect for this week. and, er… well, you know. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Hmmm… a post about a post about a post.
Yeah, you’re good at milkin’ it for all it’s worth 😉
Very clever.

Comment by Claire

Hi! Loved your post! Please to come over to my blog where a royal relative of Howard Stern’s Penis has left large ejaculation on the couch unclaimed for you! ={)

Comment by weirsdo

Think we could get God to add a commandment about leaving comments on blogs? Maybe she can squeeze it in between the ones about killing and adultery…

Comment by al

Claire: posts about posts are almost passé these days… i’m thinking i’ll start doing more posts about comments. maybe even comments from someone else’s posts… yes, it’s lonely inside my head. so much space, so few ideas. sigh.

Weirsdo: wow! and thanks! can’t wait to see it! hee hee… i almost didn’t recognize you with that mustache, my friend. 😉 xox

Al: i’m thinking we should install a feature in which no one is allowed to leave until they’ve left a comment. there has to be a program for something like that, somewhere, right? in fact, i’m pretty sure some porn sites use something similar, in order to keep you ON their site as long as possible (not that i’ve personally seen any of ’em, mind you, but i can remember a time or two when our sons strayed into XXX waters, and had a hell of a time finding their way out!) xox

Comment by snuppy




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