Central Snark


Tibbar, Tibbar by Snuppy
Monday, 30 April 2007, 10:49am
Filed under: happy happy | Tags: ,

AND other items for this, the LAST day of April — and a Monday, at that.

bunny guitarINDECISION — like indigestion — can be a terrible thing. Never more so than for a blog with ADD. That’s right, we said it. We have ADD. Or, as some of you folks call it, Attention Deficit, uh, something. Delusions? No, that’s not right. Designs? Nope, not that, either. Oh well, it’ll come to us… eventually. These things always do. Now, where were we? Oh yeah… indigestion. Boy, that was some good Mexican food we had last night. It was a perfect complement, we think, to the amazing sounds spun for us by our diligent, delightful, and never-delusional DJ LAMPSHA over the weekend. A’yup, we could play the música fantástica de Rodrigo y Gabriella lunes a viernes, y dos veces el sábado, and never get tired of it — OR them. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about, is it? No, it is not.

ON most Monday’s, we do our best to bring you something we call “cheesy musical opposites for the sake of a few cheap laughs”. And over the past few months, we’d like to believe we’ve come up with a few winning entries. We’d like to believe that, but we don’t. That said, we don’t care. Sometimes it’s all about what makes us laugh, not you. Uh, did we just say that last part out loud? Damn us and our penchant for blurting out the first thing that pops into our heads. Pretend you didn’t hear that. What we meant to say is that we hope you find some of our “offerings” as hilarious as we do. To that end, we’re pretty darn certain we’ve come up with an excellent choice for this fine Monday, something that’s absolutely* out of this world — literally.

WITHOUT further ADDieu, we proudly present THE SPOTNICKS — a Swedish group from the ’60’s, who became famous with a little instrumental number called Amapala. But that’s not what we plan to share here, because honesty, it’s pretty darn good. As is their version of The Spanish Gypsy Song, which might also have made for great viewing, as well. Aieeee. Believe it or not, this group you never heard of was responsible for some decent music — despite the fact they named themselves after a Russian satellite and were so “fashion forward” they looked like they might’ve dropped off the planet at any second. Still, we were more than pleased to find several fine examples of their music. Unfortunately, ADD-bloggers that we are, for a minute or two, we couldn’t decide which one to play — so many choices, so little space (heh). Finally, we closed our eyes, and picked one — a rousing-and-more-than-a-little-curious rendition of, My Bonnie Lies Over the Ocean. Bizarre and entertaining, The Spotnicks play outstanding guitar dressed up like a bunch of guys from the past who tried to look and/or play like there was no tomorrow. Or, like there might be a tomorrow, but it was gonna be strange. Whatever. Enjoy:

AS we mentioned at the top of today’s post, this is the last day of April. Normally, we’d wait until manana to wish you all Rabbit, Rabbit, but since DIESEL will be here with another of his clever musings white rabbit backwards clock(a post to reflect every one of our “comments” from Friday? We’ll believe that when we see it) — we figured we’d get a bunny jump start on our good wishes for the upcoming month, in hops, er hopes, it’s a good one for you all. If the Spotnicks aren’t your cup of enbärsdricka, you can always bid us adios and/or goddag, and go get your laugh on at Humor-blogs.com.

~snuppy

*”absolutely” cracked us up for a nano-second, because it reminded us of Absolut Vodka — which is manufactured in Sweden. Some of us may not drink, but that doesn’t mean we can’t get drunk on our own stupid jokes. Or, for that matter, high from winning and/or coming in second in one of DIESEL’S contests — even if it was Lost. (thanks to all who voted, loveyoumeanit)



SATURDAY SPIN by Snuppy
Saturday, 28 April 2007, 7:39am
Filed under: Lampsha Spins

Ole!  This week I have a duo whose fancy fretwork just amazed me the first time I heard them, and well continue to do so. They are Rodrigo y Gabriela, a guitar duo from Mexico City by way of Dublin (where they are #1 on the charts).  How do you like that McCafferty Himself?   

The story goes something like this: met in Mexico City where they are from; formed a Trash Metal Band; decided that was not the way to go to make a living and set off in their current incarnation. That’s the short version. For a little more detail, you can check out their artist bio here from the Bonnaroo Festival. Their metal influences come through in their covers of Stairway to Heaven, Wish You Were Here and Metallica’s Orion which sounds really beautiful here at their MySpace page.

And of course, here they are performing live on Late Night with David Letterman:

Funny, Tali (my daughter) has just asked me what do I rate them.  Hmmm, I never gave ratings before, but on a scale of 1 to 10 – I’d say diez!

Right, I’m off to violin with above daughter, so for now enjoy and have a great weekend!

~ DJ LAMPSHA
  spinning out of control since 2006



No Post For YOU by Snuppy
Friday, 27 April 2007, 11:14am
Filed under: d'oh!, lists

pouty kidNO comments for us? No post for you. That’ll learn ya. Instead, we’ve decided to give YOU a comment, in lieu of a post — in order to let YOU do a post, in lieu of a comment. Doesn’t that sound like fun? It does to us. Besides, it’s about time some of you (who are not our truest and bluest friends, and You Know Who Some Of You Are) started to pull your weight around here, if you know what we mean, and judging by the collective groans of dismay we just heard, we’re guessin’ you do.

SO here’s our comment. Actually, here are a few comments — take your pick, then write something that might have applied to one of ’em. Or come up with something of your own. The more random, the better, that’s what we always say (in the privacy of our own blog, which is where we go to find some):

1. Hahaha. Last time I heard something that funny, I was wearing an over-sized fringed lampshade on my head and drinking shots of Tequila out of some guy’s football helmet. Good times… well, sort of.

2. You’re not kidding, are you? Because some of us would SO have enjoyed soaking our heads in tomato juice. Not only does that take care of the smell, but acidity is supposed to be good for enhancing highlights. Or so I’ve heard…

3. I can count to 10 in Japanese, does that help?

4. Well, instead of pillow fights, my roommates and I used the throw chocolate pudding at each other. So, y’know… it could have been worse.

5. Oh you’ll have to pay for that, eventually. Once upon a time I did the same thing, only with pepper. You’ll never know how painful it is to have that stuff up your nose and/or how difficult it is to get out!

6. 12

7. I think it all depends on your definition of “bugfucker”.

8. Sonny Bono?

9. Once those monkeys fly out of your butt, all bets are off.

10. Well, when I was younger, it was called “busy mind”, but now, with all the new testing that’s available, I think it’s referred to as “retarded”. On the other hand, I was once called “retarted”, which I think meant I was a stupid slut, but then, that guy wasn’t getting any cuter, despite the copious amounts of tequila I had consumed, so he might have just been bitter. Either way, he was an asshole, and I still went home with someone else. A guy named Dennis, who later became a transvestite, and changed his name to Dolores. Long story short, he looked better in that evening gown than I did!

OF course, you don’t want to play our game and/or let us not comment, you can always come back here tomorrow, when the brilliant DJ LAMPSHA, will be entertaining us with another of her grand musical picks — one that will, no doubt, keep all ten of our toes a-tappin’ for the rest of the weekend. Or, you can let your fingers and/or mouse do the walking right now, and shuffle yourselves off to Humor-Blogs.com.

~snuppy



Spam? A Lot! by Snuppy
Thursday, 26 April 2007, 8:25am
Filed under: friends, funny...

spamalot canUNIMAGINATIVE (and unpopular) bloggers (comment whores) that we are (and, bitter ones, at that), we’ve decided to milk this (yesterday’s) Monty Python/Spamalot/Coconut Orchestra thing (goofiness) for all it’s worth (about $3.50). Meaning we’ve decided to do another post about… Spam (spam). Based on yesterday’s disappointing (totally shitty) turnout (shut-out), we figure none of you will mind too terribly much (since most of you probably won’t bother reading this post, either).

OKAY. So maybe that’s not quite true (it is). Maybe we were just doing a little spring cleaning (we weren’t) when we opened up a mailbag (our “in” box) and were shocked to discover a bunch (8 or 9 bits) of unopened comments (spam). Or mail (lots of spam). Or stuff we really don’t want cluttering our humble little blog (shitloads of spam). In case we haven’t mentioned it before (we have), we hate spam (we do). Which is why, we suppose, we’ve decided to share it with you. Not because we hate you (we don’t), but because we need to share our pain (just the little ones) as well as our joy (oh, if only we could remember the last time we got to do that).

vintage mail manSo spam’s what we’ve got… and now, like cooties, you’re about to get some, too. The following are but a few of the solicitations we’ve recieved since the last time we checked — which, last time we checked, was last week. Enjoy (trust us, you’ll thank us later for not forcing you to watch A LAME VIDEO of some stupid cat playing the piano):

1.  GoBlueveroom: HI everybody. I have spent cool weekends! Me and my friend bought viagra and all our university group went to the forest. PHENTERMINE. We hadn’t tried viagra before, but – recommend to try – won’t be sorry! We bought anonymously. Uh, GoBlueveroom? GoBlowitoutyerass.

2. Yakzutt: Execuse mee plees for vis messaga posted from Norenbergen Shutgorto blin… Not only do wee execuse youse, Yakzutt, we fart in your general direction.

3. Christos: thanks for inviting me to your site. i don’t have any idea to write rite now. i already bookmark your site and will come back soon. anyway, thanks again. peace. : ) Rite now would be a good time to take that bookmark and shove it. ,,l,

4. Vincendevers: Hello, my name is vincent. I am french from paris and I am looking for some people who know the language bahasa melayu in paris. I would like to learn this language because I went to malaysia for a week and I enjoyed it. Voulez-vous coucher avec whaaa? Hahaha!

5. Mapqest: Good site! it a cool. We think it a, too!

6. Esaon: No way. It is spam? well…I try away. Instead, please go away.

7. Esasion:  It is glad to a meeting! Glad to a meeting, indeed, Esasion. Glad to a meeting, indeed.

8. Jersee: It is all in your mind–hypnosis is the answer. Weight loss is achieved faster with hypnosis. Look into our eyes… you’re getting creepy… creepy…

rich peopleFINALLY, this last one is a bit of potentially enriching news, assuming no more “unforseen circumstances and reason” gets in the way. Eight-Hundred and Fifty-Thousand United States Dollars seems like a reasonable fee for doing nothing, and we’d really like to capitalize on our earnings, especially since Princess James is still clinging to life in that Holistic Home for the Dying But Not Yet Dead. Damn her and those ungrateful relations, who continue to reap that which they did not sow…

Dear Friend, It is my pleasure to reach you after our unsuccessful attempt on our business transaction. I am obliged to inform you that I have succeeded in receiving many of the funds with the help of a new partner from Paraguay Mr.Fernando Alvaro Gomez. Everything was perfectly done because we strike a deal with  one of the lady Accountant who works with the Federal Ministry of Finance (FMF), and she rendered a tremeldous help to us.

In appreciation of your earlier assistance to me in receiving the funds, I have decided to compensate you with the sum of $850,000.00 (Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars) in a Cashier’s cheque. This is from my own share. I did this simply to show appreciation to you for your kind support an assistance even though we could not succeed due tosome unforseen circumstances and reason. Presently, I am in Paraguay for investment project with my own share under the advice of my partner. In the light of the above, you are therefore, to contact my Secretary Kelechi Michael, and do send him your contact address where you want the cheque to be sent to you and phone number. Please do let me know immediately you receive it so that we can share the joy together after all the suffering at that time. In the moment, I am busy here in Asuncion the capital city of Paraguay because of the investment  projects, which the new partner and I are having at hand. So feel free to get in touch with him to send the cheque to you without any delay. Domago

Thanks Domago, you should have.

*******

ACTUALLY, instead of sharing more bits of useless spam, we considered exploring some of the “searches” that have brought folks over here in recent days, but after we saw “key” search phrases like: Kitty Carlisle sex goddess punchline; homoerotic movies; hilarious manicdotes; gay fisters; and hilarious manicdotes in homoerotic movies featuring sex goddess Kitty Carlisle and gay fisters, well, we decided to do what we know, and stick with spam — which sticks in our craws and/or to your ribs, but that’s another crappy post for another unimaginative day and/or Humor-blogs.com, whichever comes first.

~snuppy



Coconut Clip-Clops by Snuppy
Wednesday, 25 April 2007, 8:40am
Filed under: funny..., whatevers

King Arthur: …We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court at Camelot.
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: What? Ridden on a horse?
King Arthur: Yes!
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’re using coconuts!
King Arthur: What?
1st soldier with a keen interest in birds: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ’em together.

holy grailAS you might imagine, we were beyond happy and/or amused to find out the record for the World’s Largest Coconut Playing Orchestra was broken 2 days ago, in London. That’s right, the old record of 1,789 coconut playing fools folks, set last year in New York, was virtually shredded, when over 5,000 limey fools folks gathered together in Trafalgar Square for the sole purpose of watching Monty Python and the Holy Grail on a big screen AND play along with Python’s famous “Always Look for the Bright Side of Life” with over 10,000 halved coconuts. Whoa. And wow. Not to mention WTF? Because, really, are we to believe 5,567 people had nothing better to do Monday, than watch a movie — albeit one of our all-time favorites — for an hour and a half, and then clip-clop on a set of coconuts for 5 or 6 minutes to a happy little tune? Would you have participated, had you been anywhere near Trafalgar Square* day before yesterday at around 7 pm?? Yeah? Well, by golly, now that we think about it, so would we.

BET you think that means we’re planning to show you THE VIDEO from that momentous “performance”, but you’d be wrong. Oh we thought about it, all right, until we realized that 6 minutes of clip-clopping — while interesting and/or moderately amusing — was less than riveting, even by our own low standards. But, because we’re nothing, if not lazy and/or uninspired on Wednesdays (if you had to write a post the day after DIESEL — and you weren’t a certain charming/clever PENGUIN — wouldn’t you be, too? Yeah? Well, by gum, now that we mention it, so are we) …uh, where were we before we so rudely and/or ridiculously interrupted ourselves? Oh yeah… we’re nothing blah blah blah lazy blah blah blah uninspired blah blah blah especially on Wednesdays, so we do feel the need to show something, if for no other reason than to avoid more writing. But what? A clip of the song, as performed by Eric Idle in “The Life of Brian”? HAH! Too easy… guess again. A clop of the coconut, as performed by Michael Palin in a Monty Python sketch? WHA…? How the hell did you know that? Did you peek? Man, we have got to get better locks for this blog… no telling what else you kids are getting into when we’re not around (one shudders to think).

WE have no excuse for showing that to you, aside from our hope you’d all appreciate watching an aging Python demonstrate the proper preparation of the aforementioned coconut, as well as what to do, once it has been, er, properly prepared. It cracked us up, but then we’re easily given to fits of the giggles. Besides, don’t you burst into uncontrollable and/or maniacal laughter once you’ve managed to pluck another half-assed post out of your butt? Yeah? Well, by gosh and by golly, now that we’re nearly finished, we will, too.

*This links to a live webcam overlooking Trafalgar Square — which might have been fun to know about, oh we don’t know, maybe TWO DAYS AGO? Wonder if there’s a webcam on Humor-Blogs.com…man, that would be hilarious.

god and the holy grailPS: you WON’T find a webcam and/or a record breaking Coconut Orchestra, but you will find a bunch of nutty captions in Diesel’s contest this week — which happens to feature two (count ’em TWO) of your favorite Snarksters’ offerings. Wouldn’t you like to go vote for one of ’em rightthisminute? Yeah? Well, now that we’re linking to IT, by gosh, by gum, and/or by golly, you’d better.

~snuppy



Get Your Nickel Back! by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 24 April 2007, 8:23am
Filed under: FYI (ish), Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselI’m pretty sure I just coughed up my ovaries, but other than that I’m feeling pretty good. Mentally at least I’m doing much better than I did when I coughed up last week’s almost incoherent post.

I thought I’d change gears this week and talk about one of the other areas that I’m an expert in, as far as you know. I’ve recently retired from my job, so I’m now a “home maker.” No really, I’m building a house. I’ve got pictures to prove it.

Anyway, as a result of my retirement and corresponding lack of income, I have become something of an authority on “home economics.” As such, I thought I would share some nuggets of wisdom with you about saving money in and around the house.

First, you’ve probably already noticed how much money you’re saving by not driving 50 miles in to work every day. Why, you’ve already saved enough to buy the latest Nickelback album. And by simply turning on the radio rather than buying that album, you’ve saved that amount once again. And extrapolating from current gas price and Nickelback popularity trends, I would estimate that you will save around $80,000 over the next year. Impressed? I thought so. And that’s just the start.

Second, here is a little tip on shopping: Look for 2-for-1 sales on items. A “2-for-1” sale is when you can get two of something for the same amount that it would normally cost you for just one of those things. For example, if the latest Nickelback album ordinarily costs $16.99, that means you could get TWO of those albums for $16.99. Or you could buy their current album and their last album, which is essentially the same thing. But that’s not all! The trick is to buy THREE of whatever it is. Because the dirty little secret of 2-for-1 sales is that you can actually get three of whatever it is for what it would ordinarily cost you to get one and a half of those things. And that’s an even BETTER deal than getting two of them, especially if what you are buying is a hamster. Because after all, what good is one and a half hamsters? I mean, unless you have a snake.

Third, here’s a simple rule for determining which store has the lowest prices: The bigger the store, the lower the prices. Your worst value is your local “mom and pop” store. Sure, they’ll lure you in with a good selection, cheery lighting and an open parking space three feet away from the cash register, not to mention friendly and knowledgeable proprietors who are willing to go out of their way to make you happy, but shopping at such places is going to cost you precious nickels that could still be jingling around in your pocket if it weren’t for little Suzy Proprietor’s health insurance. And I don’t know about you, but I love that jingle-jingle sound nickels make in my pocket. Sometimes I take nickels out of the March of Dimes box just so I can hear that sound. Because the March of Dimes is just going to throw them away anyway, because they only take dimes. It’s in the name, you stupid nickel-givers. I’ve got my own charity. It’s called the Jingle of Nickles. It’s like Christmas wherever I go.

Your next best bet is going to be your medium sized chain stores like Target and Kohl’s, but the real savings are to be found at places that have “Big” or “Super” in front of their name, as well as places that require a membership card. Those stores are so big that they can’t help but pass the savings on to you, the consumer. Sure, customer service is lousy, selection is terrible and there’s something profoundly oppressive about an endless array of gigantic florescent lights constantly humming over your head, making everything into some kind of vast Orwellian nightmare-scape, but there’s no better place to go if you want six pounds of raisins or eight Nickelback albums. I have to say though that I’m disappointed that nobody in the U.S. has yet built what I would consider a truly gigantic store. I’m talking about a place that’s so big that stuff is practically free. Of course, selection would be even worse, the employees would be downright hostile and the overall oppressive environment would probably turn you into a suicidal alcoholic, but at least you’d be getting a good deal. You’d become dependent on the store for meeting all of your needs, and you’d be so happy that you’d never want to leave. And just in case you did want to leave, they would build a big wall around the store and try to shoot anyone who gets out. Consumers of the world, unite!

Uh… so anyway, there are lots of other things you can do to save money. Like, um, I hear you can make your own ketchup with potatoes or something. Although I’m not sure why you’d want to, since you can take all the ketchup you want when you go to McDonald’s for lunch. I hear they have McDonald’s in Wal-Mart these days, which is awesome because I’m going there anyway to stock up on Rice Krispy Treats. Three for the price of one and a half!

~Dime-Store Diesel

You can save money by the barrel of monkeys at Humor-Blogs.com.



Goodbye Kitty by Snuppy
Monday, 23 April 2007, 8:46am
Filed under: FYI (ish)

goodbye kittyAT the risk of appearing even more insensitive than we may already do, we’ve decided to bid adieu to yet, another entertainment legend, who passed away last week at the tender age of… 96. We are referring, of course, to Kitty Carlisle-Hart. Who? you ask, for surely you asked that question, Shirley, or our name isn’t, uh… Shirley. Okay, so maybe our name isn’t Shirley, but still, you asked. You know you asked. We know you asked. The American people know you asked. Asked what? you say in that sweet and disarming way you have when you want to know something. Not “what” we reply, but “who” — then we laugh and laugh and laugh in that annoying way we have when we think we’re being funny, even when we are not.

WE remember watching KITTY CARLISLE on a show called “What’s My Line” back in the 60’s when we were just kids. Of course, when we were kids, many of you were still a gleam in your moms’ and/or dads’ eyes, who were but kids themselves, but that’s beside the point. Our point, for once again you’ve forced us to come up with one, is that we never really knew who in the hell Kitty Carlisle was, aside from some lady with terribly black “done” hair and terribly red “done” lips, who had a ballsy laugh, and seemed smart enough. Smart enough, that is, to be on that game show, but what did we know… we were just kids. Stupid kids with nothing better to do than watch that show. Still, bet you young whipper snappers out there think “What’s My Line” was about DSL vs cable, but you’d be wrong. what's my lineIt was about people. People who did stuff. Interesting stuff. Stuff folks like Kitty had to figure out. Yeah… it was boring, and then some.

UH… did we say we wanted to do a tribute to Kitty Carlisle? Have we done that? Now that this post is already filled with more words than we planned to type, maybe we should do you all a favor and let you read and/or listen to THIS REPORT from NPR. Once you do, you’ll know as much about Kitty as we do, (epsecially since that’s where we got the inspiration for this post). That she was a high society dame in NYC — known for the swell parties she threw — who started her career in show business singing opera, and starred in one of the Marx Brothers most famous/popular movies. A Marx Brothers movie? you ask. (gee, you ask a lot of questions, don’t ya?) Yes, we say grinning and/or nodding our heads. Can you guess which film it was? Do you need a hint? Yeesh. Okay then, here’s a lovely scene from that hilarious film featuring a moving performance by Harpo Marx — one that involves no nighttime singing of opera, we hasten to add, yet seems appropriate for marking the loss of a great star and/or dame we never really knew.

OH it would have been easy enough to share a clip of Kitty Carlisle-Hart in action, either singing her operatic heart out in the aforementioned operatically amusing film or as a game show panelist guessing which cute girl clad in little more than an oversized bathing suit rode Willie the Whale to infamy and/or the deep end of the pool. But where’s the fun in that?

By the way, care to venture a guess as to why this qualifies as an “opposites/cheap laughs” post? Well du-u-u-h. Over the weekend our dear and delightful NBFF, and spinner of Saturday tunes, DJ LAMPSHA, introduced us to the musical magic of Modest Mouse (which we loveloveloved so much we downloaded a bunch of their songs to our iPod). Still wondering? Yeesh, and yeesh again. How hard can this be?

Mouse…?

Kitty…?

Hello…????

Marx BrothersFINE. You can all keep scratching your heads until tomorrow, when DIESEL will give you something worthwhile to think about and/or to find laugh worthy. OR you can take your possibly dandruff-laden heads over to humor-blogs.com, and shake ’em out there.

~snuppy