Central Snark

Well… by Snuppy
Wednesday, 4 April 2007, 9:49am
Filed under: funny..., whatevers

woman writerYOWIE. Imagine our surprise when we got in today and discovered that, while we were away, DIESEL had turned his happy little corner of the Snark Park into a veritable comment cachepot. Honestly, that guy garnered so many glowing/flowery responses to his post-tips (like a post-it, only not as sticky and/or yellow), we couldn’t find a place to park for the better part of an hour (about 7 minutes, because we’re nothing, if not impatient). Knowing Diesel has an abundance of hilarious things to write about, we considered sifting through his SOCK DRAWER, in hopes of finding some darn inspiration for ourselves, until it occured to us we didn’t need his stinking socks and/or his drawer.

Okay, so maybe we do need those things, but we asked ourselves how we’d feel if A) we failed to knit together a post even 1/67th as amusing as our favorite Mattress Cop does on a regular basis, in which case B) not only would no one leave 28 comments for us, but C) the number of “hits” would go down from 492 to 14. Then we wondered D) why we keep asking ourselves stupid questions, and E) where did we put our medication, as well as F) will those white coat guys show up before we’re through writing because G) we’d love to get a few comments, maybe even 28, before the end of the day, but H) hell if that’s gonna happen if I) we can’t finish writing. Of course, maybe J) someone will get worried and K) call our mom, who will surely panic (Shirley) because she never knows where we are, let alone L) what we’ve been up to since M) 1974. That’s when N) we got that apartment with O) our sister in P) Fresno so we could Q) go to college, and R) be close to our boyfriend, who was really cute, but such a S) slacker. Glad we finally T) dumped his sorry ass and joined the U) band. Ah good times, but not as good as the time we had reading V) Diesel’s hilarious post and/or W) all those comments. That is, of course, until we X) remembered we had to add all those new folks to the side-bar, and Y) realized that doing so would involve actual work, which we hate.

keith richardsTHEN we found out KEITH RICHARDS snorted his dad’s ashes, our minds were blown and Z) we had to lay down. Don’t mind us, we’re not bitter about Diesel’s post and/OR all those comments, but we plan to play it that way for the balance of the day, in hopes a few of you will feel sorry for us and overlook the fact that — once again — we failed to meet our daily requirements for actual blog content.

YOU want content? We’re guessing you’ll find it at HUMOR-BLOGS.COM — just try to get there before Keith Richards does, otherwise the whole thing might go up in one giant and/or hilarious puff of smoke.



13 Comments so far
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did i mention we had teh Penguin with us yesterday? and that she flew off into the wild blue and/or icy wonder, back to that float she fondly refers to as Iceland? well we did and she did, and now our “nest” is empty(ish) — woe is us. seriously, WOE IS US! how can you expect me to conjure up blog fodder when i’m A) depressed and B) exhausted, because she was supposed to call me when she got home, so every hour i woke up, checked the clock, thought “hmmm. wonder if Monika made it back okay.” and then tried to go back to sleep. (for the record, she did — not that i would know this from a phone call — but at least a lovely e-mail was waiting for me when i finally did get up)

er… all this to say, happy Wednesday. and, um, nice going Diesel, thanks for setting the blog bar so high. hope you can get it back into place by this time, next week! (d’oh!) xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Heard the Keith Richards thing this morning and found it gross even for him. Clearly the man who will do just about anything…no make that WILL do anything.

For someone lacking in inspiration you’re pretty damn funny (by the way).

Comment by BoBo

I heard the Kieth thing last night when I was rocking my baby to sleep. This morning I hear that he was just joking… and I think he’s full of it! I am guessing he DID snort his dad. He has that “I snort dead people” look about him. Don’t ya think?

Comment by cj

In many cultures it’s considered a sign of respect to snort your dead relatives.

Can you imagine the fumes that Keith Richards will give off if they cremate him? They’ll have to call the hazmat guys.

Comment by Diesel

Go easy on Keith – I’m sure it was a mistake. His coke urn must have been at least as large as the one that stored his Dad’s ashes. I’m sure it was a mistake. It happens.

With or without comments, you amuse. Now I’m off for more celebrating (by eating matzo still you say?). I wonder if Keith Richards would snort matzo? I bet he would.

cj: love that “I snort dead people” look.

Have a comment filled wonderful day. XOX

Comment by G

Excellent use of the Harvard Outline format. A new alternative to the many-hyphened-run-on-sentence-our-dear-Miz-B-pioneered-as-a-new-artform-even-though-empty-spaces-are-no-discouragement-to-the-requisite-cussing.

This comment will be stupid and shallow so I can save up wit for several others.

Comment by Doug

Keith Richards is gross. “I snort dead people” LOL!

Comment by Claire

BoBo: gross and bizarre. making it highly credible and/or creepy. funny? me? yeah, i’m a regular laugh riot today (heh heh). just ask our kids… after i let ’em out of their rooms, that is, (which may be sometime tomorrow afternoon, if they’re lucky). xox

CJ: you, my dear friend, have earned yourself 5 (count ’em FIVE) gold stars for best line of the day! “I snort dead people”. damn girl, that was hilarious! (oh how i wish i’d thought of it, first…) 🙂 xox

Diesel: i read somewhere that Keith Richards has his own Hazmat team on call, 24/7. in that same article, it was also revealed that his last act of “substance abuse” will involve embalming fluid — which is pretty smart when you think about it. why let someone else inject shit into his veins, when he can do it himself? xox

G (Lampsha? is that you?): hahaha! actually, i believe his dad had just snorted Keith’s entire stash. Keith wasn’t “connecting” with his dead father, so much as trying to recover whatever “good” stuff was still floating around in his charred tissue. make that tiss-ewwwww. yikes! xox

Doug: next up in our series of “how to confuse and/or confound readers”: the Hyphenated Outline. not sure how it’s going to work, but A) it’ll be challenging, and B) filled with a lot of not-so-much-hyphenated-words-as-statements-about-why-hyphens-and/or-outlines-are-less-fun-to-work-with-than-you-might-think. i know you can’t wait. surely you’ll be A) funny and/or B) witty by then, Shirley. i just hope i can keep up. 😉 xox

Claire: Keith Richards isn’t gross, he’s just misunderstood. no wait, he’s gross. reallyreallyreally gross! xox

Comment by snuppy

I need all the brownie points I can get! feels like I’ve been gone for months!!!!

Comment by cj

My question is, how did they know where the ashes stops and Richards starts.

Comment by Doug

Lampsha – You know, I’m fairly certian that Richards is the only one who can pull of the I snort dead people look. 🙂

Comment by cj

The only thing that creeps me out more than Diesels stinky socks, is Diesels stinky drawers.

Don’t forget, Richards is one of people the far-lefties idolize.

Comment by Skul

well……..in my DEFENSE I considered calling someone that has been up and runnign for me for weeks at 5 in teh morning, seemed a little like inflicting pain. I shoudl have guessed though, that at least one of the dogs was up and running by that, barking teh hell out of the neighbourhood and you´d probably be awake anyway.
I really should have just put my Germaness aside and called despit emy better judgement.
I miss you guys and I have to admit, I am having a rather tough time coping being back on thsi float of mine!

Comment by Penguin

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