Central Snark


It Was a Dark… by Snuppy
Thursday, 12 April 2007, 9:45am
Filed under: happy happy

retro blogger?BLOGGING. On any given day, it is the absolute bane of our existence. Not that we don’t enjoy it, mind you, but still, who hasn’t suffered under the extreme pressure of content conjuring? Not us, baby, not even on days we think we do have something on our minds (a rarity, to be sure, but it has happened). All this to say: we intended to be brilliant today, but the best laid plans of men and bloggers are sometimes thwarted by forces decidedly more powerful than, well… than us. So, instead of amusing and/or entertaining you with our wit, we figured we’d attempt to put you inside our shoes, in hopes you can gain a little insight about our writing process and/or those aforementioned forces that will surely keep us from realizing our dream of becoming world-class writers anytime soon, Shirley.

IT is a dark and stormy night. You go to bed early, in hopes you’ll sleep well and wake up full of vim, vigor, and, er, brilliance. Suddenly (let’s say around 3:11 am) you’re awakened by the sound of your dogs snorting, scratching and sniffing (especially around the corners of your bed, a spot one pup once “soiled” 2 years ago). You hop up before your partner does because A) he’s the one who usually gets up, and you’d like to let him sleep for a change, and B) you need to pee. So out of bed and down the stairs you go, in order to take your precious doggies out to do their “business”. And “out” they go, into the far reaches of your backyard. And “out” they stay, into the far reaches of the early morning. So “out” you go, wearing little more than a tiny tee-shirt & skimpy undies, after grabbing the first warm thing in sight — which happens to be a heavy coat, 3 sizes too big, that barely falls below your rear end, and a pair of snow boots, 4 sizes too big, that barely stay on your feet.

It’s dark. It’s cold. It’s wet. You stumble up the hill, squinting into the inky recesses of the yard, for wearing your glasses would have made too much sense, what with it being late, and the dogs merely needing to pee, and you being so tired, and all. You can’t see well in the daylight without your contacts and/or glasses, so, for all intents and purposes, you’re blind as a bat. A stupid bat. A cold wet bat. In big floppy shoes.

You forge ahead, because, goddammit, those dogs have had enough time to mark every tree in the yard. How long does it take to lift a leg and pee, anyway? Hell, you needed to pee and come to think of it, you still do. Could you lift your leg and relieve yourself against that large rock? You could, were it not for that stupid coat, those over-sized boots, and the fact that you’re not a pathetic uncivilized maroon, despite evidence to the contrary.

Where are those dogs? Is there a hole in the fence? Would you be able to see the hole, when you can’t even see the fence? Damn you, anyway! Why-oh-why didn’t you put on your glasses before going outside? Why-oh-why did you put on your husband’s coat and boots, instead of your own? Why-oh-why are you asking yourself these questions when you need to be thinking of something to write for that post that won’t be writing itself, despite your desperate attempts to “think” it into existence?

You see a flash of lighter dark, visible against the darker dark of the trees and/or shrubs (please, dear G-d, let those other shapes be trees and/or shrubs), you call out to your puppies and the two lighter dark flashes come racing towards you. For a second it occurs to you those flashing dark lights might be bands of rabid raccoons and/or coyotes, and you consider running, until you remember those boots, your bare legs, the rain (did we mention the rain?) and you realize you’d most likely land on your ass in a puddle of mud, where you’d be torn to shreds by those rampantly rabid (and/or skanky?) scavenging raccoons and/or coyotes. Oh the humanity. No, the dogs. Whew. It is the dogs. You’re okay. You heave a sigh of relief and hope you remember to wipe that dribble of pee off your leg when you get back inside.

As for the post? Eh, you figure something will come to you in the morning.

~snuppy

footnote: The sun is always shining at humor-blogs.com.

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13 Comments so far
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pretty sure this doesn’t belong in the “happy happy” category — altho’, come to think of it, i’m pretty freaking “happy happy” to be done with this post.

yes… it was a long, dark and VERY stormy night. oy. xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

I sincerely thank you for your sacrifice and for the image you’ve created in my head…t-shirt, undies, big coat and floppy boots…adorable!!! Having made this 3am run many times myself I can attest to the the strange thought that seems to occupy as you wait for the pups to return…the desperation as you go tromping through darkness in search of said pups who have decided to forego the trip back in and instead bed down under a big tree in the furthest reaches of our rather long backyard. In spite of your pre-dawn trials and tribulations, however, you have crafted a truly hilarious offering this rainy, stormy, cold, why isn’t it spring yet, New England morning…way to go babe!

Comment by BoBo

Great post…..I laughed so much that I am about to dribble down my leg.
And I thought I had problems…no problems now…last tech geek fixed my problems…but I do keep waiting for the other boot to drop…I used to be an optimist until I found myself in front of a computer…but think of the fun I would be missing…so now I am a fun seeking pessimist…and boy do I find fun here on CS…thank you for taking my rant yesterday, with such class…yes, you are one classy lady…but somehow the picture of you in Joel coat and boots don’t have the same effect on me as it does Joel…hmmmmm!!!

Comment by Mo'a

🙂 A night in the life of a spoiled dog owner. Its nice to know its not just me who has extremely spoiled puppies. We have one puppy like that (mathilda) who takes her sweet time…. where Gertrude is quick to get back into the warm bed.

Hope you remembered to wipe the pee dribble – and had a more restful night!

Comment by cj

Hahahaha and ha!!! Why did I put off going to the bathroom before reading this – why? Funny and suspenseful, I might add – what with those skanky raving rampaging rhinoceros, oops racoons (in my head I amped up the danger a bit)!

See I’m a bit selfish because your blogging is not the bane of my existance. I come here fully expecting a little entertainment during a dull day at the desk and I always am. So wherever you find your inspiration – the dark corners of your very wet and cold yard at 3:00 am or YouTube, I think you’re doing pretty good.

Also, now I don’t feel so bad about being awakened at 3:00 am by my son who is crawling into our bed – I mean at least I don’t have to take him into the backyard at that hour! So thanks for that too. xox

Comment by Lampsha

Hey, Snuppy — re: your description of running ’round in the dark…

Where’s YouTube when you need it?

Comment by al

See, I really hoped this story would turn in the brave Neva defending her home and dog from rabid raccoons direction. Instead of nail-biting suspense I had to settle for rib-twisting laughter.

Comment by Doug

Makes scooping the litter box seem perfectly fine. Diane says she wants a little dog some day, guess who will be walking in the middle of the night? That’s right, the bunny.

Comment by Brian

Now I know why I don’t own a dog 🙂 Thanks for the laugh

Comment by pia

BoBo: i have a whole new level of respect for you and/or those late night/early morning jaunts out in the yard with our pups. yikes. of course, i’m not sure i looked as “adorable” in my get up as you do when in your bathrobe and those same boots, but i gave it my best shot. xox

Mo’a: “fun seeking pessimist”? hahahaha! BEST line of the day, my friend! you call yesterday’s comment a “rant”?? i called it another hilarious stream of Mo’a-consciousness… lovelovelove it when you do that! 🙂 xox

CJ: heh. yep, that’s us — losing sleep/dignity for the sake of our spoiled puppies. i *did* remember to wipe my leg… uh… at least i think i did. d’oh! xox

Lampsha: well, i thought i’d try to inject a little “suspense” into today’s post — as opposed to succumbing to my own suspense about whether or not i’d do a post in the first place. this is the kind of crap that floats through your brain in the wee hours of the morning, even as you attempt to float across a mud puddle in a pair of gigantic boots (can’t be done, in case you thought about trying that yourself, sometime) that said, a rhinoceros, eh? i like it! xox

Al: i swear that very thought raced through my mind… and was quickly followed by another heavy sigh of relief. (trust me, that wouldn’t have been good viewing for anyone) xox

Doug: believe it or not, i DO have a “raccoon story”, and considered sharing it — altho’ the “ending” was a little less amusing (“… and, as I watched the guy from Animal Control drive away, I hoped the poor, sick raccoon — whose fur might have made a nice collar for someone’s coat — would be put down with as little pain as was humanly possible.”) yeah… that didn’t scream “funny/haha” to me… hence, a story about pee down my leg my dogs peeing in the back of the yard… late at night, in the rain. xox

Brian: trust me… scooping out litter boxes takes on a whole new level of “okay-ness” after one episode like the one i had! and walking a pup late at night in Florida conjures up all kinds of other concerns, hungry ‘gators being at the top of the list. 😉 xox

Pia: there are MANY rewards that come with having a dog (or two or three) in the family… but it’s hard to remember what they are late at night, in the dark, when it’s raining and you’re freezing. thank you for laughing! 🙂 xox

Comment by snuppy

A life filled with incident. The last time I was up at 3 A. M. I had just finished watching “Apocalypse Now.” And we really do have real coyotes in our yard from time to time, too.

Comment by weirsdo

Ive been heard to mutter,
“bitch!”
on those occasions

Comment by logo™

Hilarious!

Wow, taht si so you and I can almost picture you, squinting yor eyes ino teh dog…all and every thought running through your head, while trying to find those pups.

You are so funny, and I know we are mean laughing at your predicament, but just look at that image!!!

Comment by Penguin




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