Central Snark

Get Your Nickel Back! by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 24 April 2007, 8:23am
Filed under: FYI (ish), Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselI’m pretty sure I just coughed up my ovaries, but other than that I’m feeling pretty good. Mentally at least I’m doing much better than I did when I coughed up last week’s almost incoherent post.

I thought I’d change gears this week and talk about one of the other areas that I’m an expert in, as far as you know. I’ve recently retired from my job, so I’m now a “home maker.” No really, I’m building a house. I’ve got pictures to prove it.

Anyway, as a result of my retirement and corresponding lack of income, I have become something of an authority on “home economics.” As such, I thought I would share some nuggets of wisdom with you about saving money in and around the house.

First, you’ve probably already noticed how much money you’re saving by not driving 50 miles in to work every day. Why, you’ve already saved enough to buy the latest Nickelback album. And by simply turning on the radio rather than buying that album, you’ve saved that amount once again. And extrapolating from current gas price and Nickelback popularity trends, I would estimate that you will save around $80,000 over the next year. Impressed? I thought so. And that’s just the start.

Second, here is a little tip on shopping: Look for 2-for-1 sales on items. A “2-for-1” sale is when you can get two of something for the same amount that it would normally cost you for just one of those things. For example, if the latest Nickelback album ordinarily costs $16.99, that means you could get TWO of those albums for $16.99. Or you could buy their current album and their last album, which is essentially the same thing. But that’s not all! The trick is to buy THREE of whatever it is. Because the dirty little secret of 2-for-1 sales is that you can actually get three of whatever it is for what it would ordinarily cost you to get one and a half of those things. And that’s an even BETTER deal than getting two of them, especially if what you are buying is a hamster. Because after all, what good is one and a half hamsters? I mean, unless you have a snake.

Third, here’s a simple rule for determining which store has the lowest prices: The bigger the store, the lower the prices. Your worst value is your local “mom and pop” store. Sure, they’ll lure you in with a good selection, cheery lighting and an open parking space three feet away from the cash register, not to mention friendly and knowledgeable proprietors who are willing to go out of their way to make you happy, but shopping at such places is going to cost you precious nickels that could still be jingling around in your pocket if it weren’t for little Suzy Proprietor’s health insurance. And I don’t know about you, but I love that jingle-jingle sound nickels make in my pocket. Sometimes I take nickels out of the March of Dimes box just so I can hear that sound. Because the March of Dimes is just going to throw them away anyway, because they only take dimes. It’s in the name, you stupid nickel-givers. I’ve got my own charity. It’s called the Jingle of Nickles. It’s like Christmas wherever I go.

Your next best bet is going to be your medium sized chain stores like Target and Kohl’s, but the real savings are to be found at places that have “Big” or “Super” in front of their name, as well as places that require a membership card. Those stores are so big that they can’t help but pass the savings on to you, the consumer. Sure, customer service is lousy, selection is terrible and there’s something profoundly oppressive about an endless array of gigantic florescent lights constantly humming over your head, making everything into some kind of vast Orwellian nightmare-scape, but there’s no better place to go if you want six pounds of raisins or eight Nickelback albums. I have to say though that I’m disappointed that nobody in the U.S. has yet built what I would consider a truly gigantic store. I’m talking about a place that’s so big that stuff is practically free. Of course, selection would be even worse, the employees would be downright hostile and the overall oppressive environment would probably turn you into a suicidal alcoholic, but at least you’d be getting a good deal. You’d become dependent on the store for meeting all of your needs, and you’d be so happy that you’d never want to leave. And just in case you did want to leave, they would build a big wall around the store and try to shoot anyone who gets out. Consumers of the world, unite!

Uh… so anyway, there are lots of other things you can do to save money. Like, um, I hear you can make your own ketchup with potatoes or something. Although I’m not sure why you’d want to, since you can take all the ketchup you want when you go to McDonald’s for lunch. I hear they have McDonald’s in Wal-Mart these days, which is awesome because I’m going there anyway to stock up on Rice Krispy Treats. Three for the price of one and a half!

~Dime-Store Diesel

You can save money by the barrel of monkeys at Humor-Blogs.com.

13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

just think of how much you could save with coupons — especially if you use ’em at one of those Super Gigantic Big Buck Savings Stores on your next outting. my mom once went shopping with a fistful of those things and wound up spending $4.12 on $281 worth of groceries. of course, she and my dad will be eating peanut butter well into the next decade, but that’s beside the point.

as always… i lovelovelove your musings, Diesel! glad you’re feeling better — can’t wait to see what you come up with once your head is finally cleared of all snot and/or drugs and/or allergens (don’t know about you, but allergies are running rampant out here — and so are more than a few noses… oh look! there goes one now)

🙂 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Funny post, Diesel. Are you close enough to your neighbor’s house to plug your home-building power tools into one of their backyard outlets? Big savings! And, if you time it right, you can get away with it for as long as a month.

(They’ll never figure it out if they have a pool.)

Comment by al

I hate it when I cough up my ovaries! I feel for ya, man!

Comment by Allen's Brain

“I have to say though that I’m disappointed that nobody in the U.S. has yet built what I would consider a truly gigantic store. I’m talking about a place that’s so big that stuff is practically free”

They have…it’s called Ebay. The only problem is that shipping is like 20 bucks an item.

Comment by CrummyJoel

I do enjoy a good RiceKrispyTreat.

I shall think of your Dieselnomics on the next shopping trip. We do have a membership in one of those stores that requires a card. Although for the life of me I’m sure we don’t save enough money to justify it as I get disgusted at buying 75 granola bars at a time. No good can come of that.

Comment by Lampsha

I never thought about it this way! Logic through and through. And imagien on top of this you had good enough friend sthat would just give you the CD!

*hands him teh newest Nickelback CD plus a poster that came with it* Now cut it out!

Comment by Monika

The sad thing is that I really do make purchasing decisions based on the size of the store. I assume stuff at CostCo and Home Depot is cheap, because they’re obviously not spending they’re money on qualified employees or decor.

Today is the first day that I actually feel semi-normal again. I think I’m done with the massive coughing spasms at least, which is good because I can’t afford to lose any more sex organs.

Oh, and don’t forget to vote in the Caption Contest! A certain Hot Puppy is in the running once again!

Comment by Diesel

Y’gotta look on the bright side with this coughing-up business. One less cancer risk. Not to mention other surprises.

You should try a food-free diet sometime. Big savings! Positively planetary …!

Bingo on eBay, Crummyjoel.

Comment by oceallaigh

My mom has a membership card for one of those Super Mega Club Orwellian Enterprises. Because it’s the only place in town that sells the bacon she likes. You heard it here first, folks. I think that’s the only reason to go to one of those places (unless you run a daycare, etc.)

I’ve heard that cough syrup with Codeine really cuts back on the coughing business. If you’re lucky, it also makes you super hyper and jumpy and keeps you awake all night. Just think of all the money you’d save if you could work around the clock!

Comment by Robin

Hrumpf!Diesel, there are more than one snarkster in the running and I simply won´t stand for being ignored like this. *storms out*

Comment by Penguin

d’oh! Penguin… come back! Diesel was just being nice to his “Crazy Aunt Neva”!! come on… i’ll give you a … er… nickel if you stop pouting. AND i’ll go vote for you… how’s that?? 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

I always wondered why you would say my ideas sounded like more fun than a bucket of monkeys, instead of barrel of monkeys. It’s because you can only get about a half a monkey in a bucket, and just a half a monkey’s not very much fun.

Comment by Glacial Spain

Great tips. Another good way to save money is to turn your Depends inside-out to double their lifespan.

Comment by tfg

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: