Get Your Nickel Back!

Get Your Nickel Back! by mattresspolice

Tuesday, 24 April 2007, 8:23am
Filed under: FYI (ish), Pop! goes the Diesel

I’m pretty sure I just coughed up my ovaries, but other than that I’m feeling pretty good. Mentally at least I’m doing much better than I did when I coughed up last week’s almost incoherent post.

I thought I’d change gears this week and talk about one of the other areas that I’m an expert in, as far as you know. I’ve recently retired from my job, so I’m now a “home maker.” No really, I’m building a house. I’ve got pictures to prove it.

Anyway, as a result of my retirement and corresponding lack of income, I have become something of an authority on “home economics.” As such, I thought I would share some nuggets of wisdom with you about saving money in and around the house.

First, you’ve probably already noticed how much money you’re saving by not driving 50 miles in to work every day. Why, you’ve already saved enough to buy the latest Nickelback album. And by simply turning on the radio rather than buying that album, you’ve saved that amount once again. And extrapolating from current gas price and Nickelback popularity trends, I would estimate that you will save around $80,000 over the next year. Impressed? I thought so. And that’s just the start.

Second, here is a little tip on shopping: Look for 2-for-1 sales on items. A “2-for-1” sale is when you can get two of something for the same amount that it would normally cost you for just one of those things. For example, if the latest Nickelback album ordinarily costs $16.99, that means you could get TWO of those albums for $16.99. Or you could buy their current album and their last album, which is essentially the same thing. But that’s not all! The trick is to buy THREE of whatever it is. Because the dirty little secret of 2-for-1 sales is that you can actually get three of whatever it is for what it would ordinarily cost you to get one and a half of those things. And that’s an even BETTER deal than getting two of them, especially if what you are buying is a hamster. Because after all, what good is one and a half hamsters? I mean, unless you have a snake.

Third, here’s a simple rule for determining which store has the lowest prices: The bigger the store, the lower the prices. Your worst value is your local “mom and pop” store. Sure, they’ll lure you in with a good selection, cheery lighting and an open parking space three feet away from the cash register, not to mention friendly and knowledgeable proprietors who are willing to go out of their way to make you happy, but shopping at such places is going to cost you precious nickels that could still be jingling around in your pocket if it weren’t for little Suzy Proprietor’s health insurance. And I don’t know about you, but I love that jingle-jingle sound nickels make in my pocket. Sometimes I take nickels out of the March of Dimes box just so I can hear that sound. Because the March of Dimes is just going to throw them away anyway, because they only take dimes. It’s in the name, you stupid nickel-givers. I’ve got my own charity. It’s called the Jingle of Nickles. It’s like Christmas wherever I go.

Your next best bet is going to be your medium sized chain stores like Target and Kohl’s, but the real savings are to be found at places that have “Big” or “Super” in front of their name, as well as places that require a membership card. Those stores are so big that they can’t help but pass the savings on to you, the consumer. Sure, customer service is lousy, selection is terrible and there’s something profoundly oppressive about an endless array of gigantic florescent lights constantly humming over your head, making everything into some kind of vast Orwellian nightmare-scape, but there’s no better place to go if you want six pounds of raisins or eight Nickelback albums. I have to say though that I’m disappointed that nobody in the U.S. has yet built what I would consider a truly gigantic store. I’m talking about a place that’s so big that stuff is practically free. Of course, selection would be even worse, the employees would be downright hostile and the overall oppressive environment would probably turn you into a suicidal alcoholic, but at least you’d be getting a good deal. You’d become dependent on the store for meeting all of your needs, and you’d be so happy that you’d never want to leave. And just in case you did want to leave, they would build a big wall around the store and try to shoot anyone who gets out. Consumers of the world, unite!

Uh… so anyway, there are lots of other things you can do to save money. Like, um, I hear you can make your own ketchup with potatoes or something. Although I’m not sure why you’d want to, since you can take all the ketchup you want when you go to McDonald’s for lunch. I hear they have McDonald’s in Wal-Mart these days, which is awesome because I’m going there anyway to stock up on Rice Krispy Treats. Three for the price of one and a half!

~Dime-Store Diesel

You can save money by the barrel of monkeys at Humor-Blogs.com.

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