Central Snark


No, Comment! by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 1 May 2007, 8:16am
Filed under: funny..., Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselYou may know that our beloved Snuppy lives for comments on her posts. Truly, she feeds on them the way zombies feed on brains. And when she doesn’t get enough comments… well, things can get ugly.

You may think Central Snark is a carefree, fun-filled place, where penguins frolic in fountains of tequila and reruns of Sanford and Son play in an endless loop on gigantic plasma screens. And most days, that’s exactly what it’s like. Except for Thursdays, of course, when it’s badgers and Three’s Company. But when the Puppy doesn’t get her comments, her scary side comes out. She insists that we call her “Crazy Aunt Neva,” and there’s no telling what’s going to be in the fountains. Today it was tomato juice. Man, I hate tomato juice. After a day of cleaning up after the penguins, I was really looking forward to a nice jump in the fountain to get rid of the smell. I dove in head first. Do you know what it’s like to have your sinuses filled with tomato juice? I just hope there are no long term ill effects.

And then there are the mandatory pillow fights. She says they remind her of the fun she had when she was in college. What kind of person had pillow fights in college, for crying out loud? I’m sure a lot of you did some crazy stuff in college, but pillow fights? And why do I always have to be the one wearing the chicken costume?

The doctors don’t know what’s wrong with her. They use complicated medical terms like “cognitive disorder” and “short yellow bus special.” Honestly, I don’t think there’s a name for it. Don’t get me wrong, her childlike innocence is enjoyable at times. But then there’s the bizarre behavior, binge drinking, promiscuity and general sexual confusion.

Anyway, you get the idea. It’s not pleasant. So I need your help. You have to post a comment. I don’t really care what you say, just leave a comment. I need at least ten comments to get Crazy Aunt Neva to go away. Look, I know some of you think you’re too good to leave comments, but let me tell you, you’re not. I mean, unless you’re a diva like Cher or Shakira, you’re not too good to leave a comment. I suppose I should establish a definite threshold, but I can’t think of where to draw the line. It’s definitely in the lower level pop singer/upper level politician area though.

So please, leave a comment. Maybe you can relate to something in this post. Maybe you have a funny story to tell. Hell, you can just guess how many comments this post will get if you want. But it’s got to be at least 10. You can count to ten, right?

The only restriction is that it can’t be mean. I don’t want to hear from any bugfuckers, ok? Can we agree on that, at least? No bugfuckers. Ok? Good.

So comment away. I’m sure you’ll think of something, or monkeys will literally fly out of my butt. And I know you don’t want that.

~Crazy Diesel

This post would make more sense if you had paid attention during humor-blogs.com

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48 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i see the pupil has become the teacher. well done, asparagus boy, well done.

of course, if this post doesn’t garner at least 10 comments, those monkeys are gonna fly right back in. so… y’know… fingers crossed and all that. oh, and i’ll keep a bowl of chocolate pudding on hand, in case we run out of pillows. πŸ˜‰ xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

ps: laughing at the title of today’s post — especially since i’m reading (okay, scanning) “Eats, Shoots and Leaves” by Lynne Truss and yes, i believe i did link to it on the Penguin Books site — consider it a sort of reminder that a certain Penguin will be entertaining one and all TOMORROW πŸ˜‰

anyway, funnyfunnyfunny post, as per usual, Diesel, and not at all condescending. πŸ™„ xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

What kind of bug? I mean, I’m with you on roaches, definitely, for the most part. Look, once a cowboy always a cowboy. I don’t ban bible-thumping heretic computer-coding family men from my site! I mean, I know this isn’t technically your site but the way I see it, and the National Forest Service agrees with me, if you can close the road you own the road. I’m just saying if you want people like me to comment, the comments section should be warm and welcoming, like fresh roadkill or warm pumpkin pie or a lovely lady praying mantis.

Comment by Doug

I was tempted not to leave a comment, I mean, monkeys flying out of your butt, that would surely make the evening news. Then you’d have something new to tell us about tomorrow, and we could all laugh even harder than after reading today’s hilarious post.

Comment by Theresa

Crazy Aunt Neva – We’re up to five! See, people like you. They REALLY like you! Please put down the whip!

Doug – I guess what you’re saying is that it all depends on my definition of “bugfucker.”

Theresa – It’s true that once those monkeys fly out of my butt, all bets are off.

Comment by Diesel

No, really, I understand the lengths one will go for comments πŸ˜‰ Since I am not the type to pull things out of my orifices…..I have used other methods on my blogs…..just today, should you like to take a look, and, comment…I have a give away on one blog and…I am not proud of this, proud of him, but not his…I have a cute baby photo πŸ™‚

Comment by Mo'a

Doug: we’re thinking about reconfiguring the blog, in order to add in a barbecue pit. i promise, once we do that, we’ll be roasting a pig in your honor. until then, will this place seem more inviting if i just tack up a few strips of bacon around the edges? ; P xox

Theresa: monkeys in and/or out of Diesel’s butt would be hilarious — as long as they’re not bugfucking monkeys, because that would just be…gross πŸ˜‰ xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

Diesel: bugfucker. hahahaha! the whip goes away when ALL the comments are in πŸ˜‰ xox

Mo’a: OOOOOH and call me “Zippy” (that’s what he said)… for i’m on my way to BOTH your blogs, even as i hit “submit comment” (“submit”? heh. sounds a little dominating, doesn’t it? guess that explains Diesel’s “whip”) πŸ™‚ xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

I know that book “Eats, Shoots and Leaves.” I have the panda joke on my blog. Who would have thought someone like Lynne Truss could make a living writing about commas, colons and semi-colons combined with pandas?

There is hope, for there seems to be an audience for nearly every kind of book. Diesel, this is your opportunity to write about those monkeys and your butt. I would actually downplay the butt part or you may get an “X” rating. Just concentrate more on the monkeys.

Perhaps you could combine monkeys with the exclamation point and the question mark. I’ll bet that could be very witty. Just think of the possibilities.

How about “The Diesel Riding orangutan” as a preliminary title?

Comment by McCafferty Himself

See 10 comments – no prob! Now everyone better come back on Friday with the same enthusiasm. You see, there’s a little something about Snuppy, Neva, my NBFF, whatever you call her, you should all know and can be found here in this story

I didn’t want to have to do that NBFF, but I think it’s important that people understand just who they’re dealing with – commas and all.

Comment by Lampsha

McCafferty: heh heh — you said “colons”. oh, and i think writing a book is an excellent idea! now that i think about it for a nano-second, i believe “Diesel Riding His Sock Drawer” is already in the works. πŸ˜‰ xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

Neva is Snuppy?

I’m a little confused…

Comment by Robin

Lampsha! i can’t believe you told everyone about that! sigh… okay, i suppose it’s time they knew the whole truth about “Snuppy”. *squints eyes and rummages in hall closet for new shovel* i’ll meet you out back, young lady! πŸ™„ xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

Thats right, Neva is Snuppy. πŸ™‚ When I found that out it was like a Darth Vader really is Luke Skywalkers dad moment!

Comment by cj

Earth to Robin… 😐

kidding, i kid! xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

I have no idea what’s going on really, but I will not sit around and be called “Cher”, mon ami. I was NOT born in the wagon of a travelin’ show, NOR did my momma used to dance for the money they’d throw. Thank you VERY much.

Comment by Andy

I’m with Theresa. The monkey thing would have been worth watching. I wonder what kind they would have been. Aah, no, never mind. I don’t wanna know.

Comment by Skul

Oh kay…

Comment by al

If they were like the ones from The Wizard of Oz, look out Diesel!

Comment by Lampsha

I’m obviously going to miss the monkeys now, so what’s the point of hanging out?! I’m off to comment elsewhere. Looking forward to another contest πŸ™‚

Comment by wreckless

You wouldnΒ΄t know a Diva if she tolloped right infront of your face!

Hi neva *waves ever so excitedly!*

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Ok, so I know most of you are reading this post and the comments and thinking to yourself, “WTF?!?!” So here’s a hint for you: this post is 4 days late. Good luck figuring it out.

Comment by Diesel

again, I am sorry for not logging out…the hot puppy above Diesel would be the penguin. Some people simply shouldnΒ΄t be allowed a key!
*blushes*

Diesel, i got it πŸ™‚ I am very attentive that way. You did marvelous. When is your next caption contest? Have I mentioned how well written, funny and/or interesting this post is??? *winks pathetically*

Comment by One Hot Puppy

I did it again.
I am mad…that should explain things!

Comment by Penguin

I came back to see if there were any monkeys, now I’m so disappointed. Looking forward to the caption contest, though. Hey Diesel, you could stick yourself in a Wizard of Oz shot as one of the flying monkeys, then we’d all be happy.

Comment by Theresa

Actually…I do think I would like to see monkeys fly out of your butt. I don’t get to see that everyday. *thinks* well hell! I have never seen it! But then again, we don’t have a lot of monkeys just hanging out in Texas.

Comment by Mindy

Oooh, I love Theresa’s idea!!! That’s a good one.

Comment by Lampsha

Well, hell! I spent all morning waiting around at YouTube for the video of the monkeys (you KNOW somebody’s gonna have a recorder or a cell phone or something), but now I find out that you made your quota. So, I’ll leave a comment since it’s too late.

Hey! Next time, let’s make the quota 500, and then we can sell tickets to the Butt Monkey Fly-out Spectacular!

Comment by Jami

erm … a word of advice. Don’t start wearing flat caps just because you’ve seen one on a football star. You will look like a total tosser

Comment by ploop

it’s not at all offensive that a post about MY post — in which i whine and/or whinge like there’s no tomorrow — grabs a shit-load of monkey-butt flying comments…when the original one, did not. hmmmm. bet there’s a message in there somewhere… too bad i don’t get it anymore than i do the popularity of a show like Family Guy.

i’m still waitin’ for someone to come up with something clever involving tomato juice, bugfuckers, and/or Dolores. *taps fingers impatiently on desk, breaks a nail*
πŸ˜•

Comment by crazy aunt neva

30 comments…that’s it…instead of baby photo and a give away…perhaps I should try humor…and pulling things out of my a.. can’t say it…however some here know that I could say it, but not in writing.
Here I am an Amma and still learning *humor, who would have thought…..there are people who like humor…..I guess the world is not filled with only gum chewing, nail biting, like cashiers*
*now I guess I must study this Humor Blog, what better tutorial I wonder* *I could change my name to “Benzine” or something like that πŸ˜‰

Comment by Mo'a

I have no idea why I’m commenting since you are way over the required number, but I had to say, bugfuckers?

Comment by CS

just popping by the Snark to see what the animals are up to. Very interesting indeed!

Comment by kyahgirl

Snuppy – I know YOU got it. I figure you and Lampsha and the Penguin would at least.

Since I have to run to church to count money, I’ll go ahead and give away the “secret.” This was an experimental post, possibly the first of its kind. What is special about it? The comments were written BEFORE the post. “Huh?” you say. And I say, look at Snuppy’s No Post post from 4 days ago. Then examine this post again. Then there will be a collective “Aha!” as you all realize you had far better things to do today.

I’ll taking the Wizard of Oz suggestion under advisement….

Comment by Diesel

Who knew America had such an obsession with flying butt monkeys? I hope Disney is listening.

Comment by dollartree

Nice one, grasshopper.

Comment by Claire

.

Comment by Manola Blablablanik

“I almost whacked you with the clockwise ghost.”

Comment by Glacial Spain

…I got nothing

Comment by BoBo

WHAT THE HELL? Snuppy, One Hot Puppy, Cazy Aunt Neva, Penguin? Are they all the same? I’m confused more than usual! I thought I was the only one with the multiple personalities. Should I name them all and give them each their own blog? We should arrange a play date! And Neva, you NEVA leave me comments! :0P
Some of these names are so cool… Central Snark, Malnurtured Snay…Snark and Snay. Do you guys belong to the secrete society of Dr. Seuss?

I am with everyone else regarding the monkeys flying out of your butt diesel! We all like butts and stuff flying out. Not all stuff, just abnormal stuff. MONKEYS certainly make the cut!(no pun intended)
So can you Photoshop monkeys flying out of your butt for everyone?(Please wear pants though!)

And the line about B’Fers….EEEEWWW! and oh yea, eeewww! I’d feel really bad for any guy who can pull that off! :0P

Comment by Zoning Out Again

I give up. You people are all crazy.

Comment by Diesel

42! It’s the answer!!

What was the question again?

Comment by oceallaigh

CRAZY LIKE A FLYING BUTT MONKEY!

Comment by Zoning Out Again

Dollartree: naturally, Disney would never do such a film through their “family friendly” parent company — but i’m sure they’d love to produce Flying Butt Monkeys via Touchstone and/or Miramax. πŸ˜‰ xox

Claire: he never fails. and thank G*d for that! πŸ™‚ xox

Manola Blahblahblanik: !

Glacial Spain: *pretends to rub back of head* “almost” ouch! xox

BoBo: you got me, babe. πŸ˜‰ xox

Zoning Out Again: that’s what you get for zoning out… again. (laughing at your “you Neva leave comments” because my name is pronounced nee-vah. so i Neevah leave comments. (guess i’ll have to do something about that, eh?) πŸ™‚ xox

Diesel: but then… you knew that. :mrgreen: xox

OC: how old were you when you lost your virginity? xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

But really, why do zombies hafta eat brains??? My youngest (who has a little Aspergers’ Syndrome) is puzzled and I got nothin’ for him…., hey, my mom only ate souls.

Be a pretty tiny little dick to fuck a bug. But if it’s tiny, how pretty can it be?

Comment by notaclue

notaclue: i’ve always wondered about that Brain-eating Zombie thing, too. and, now that my husband and i are hooked on the show, Heroes, i’m wondering the same thing about that damn Sylar. Brains? really? ewwwwww. and you are, of course, right about a bugfucker’s tiny dick. that’s why “bugfucker” is such a grand-yet-hilarious insult! and i’m told (by people who know about such things) that some bugs’ penises (penii?) — while curious and/or interesting — are rarely pretty. maybe they seem more attractive to potential bugfucking partners after a few drinks. don’t know… don’t want to. πŸ˜‰ xox

Comment by crazy aunt neva

Once again…eeeeewwwwwwwwwww!

(and sorry about the miss-pronunciation thing!)

:0) I really hope diesel does a Heroes caption contest soon!!! You seem to have some pull with him.
Can you double dare him?

Comment by Zoning Out Again

Do they serve peanuts on Flying Butt Monkey airlines?

Comment by Manola Blablablanik




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