Central Snark


Notes… by Snuppy
Friday, 4 May 2007, 10:57am
Filed under: funny...

➡ THURSDAY, 2 May 2007:

7:34 A.M. ~ Race to computer to publish hilarious post written 5 hours earlier.

7:38 A.M. ~ Discover hilarious and brilliant post written 5 hours earlier has gone MIA, realize you are SOL and wonder what in the hell to W-R-I-T-E.

7:41 A.M. ~ Wipe tears from eyes, decide missing hilarious/brilliant/insightful post will turn up eventually, pop in something dumb to hold it’s place, hope no one notices. Clean house before Not-Hazel arrives to clean house.

8:11 A.M. ~ Take son to work, remind him how hard it is to be on time for his job when he leaves the house 11 minutes after he’s supposed to be there.

9:12 A.M. ~ Decide to get nails done, in hopes a few minutes with “Nancy the Nail Girl” — who’s 47 and gives a fabulous neck massage — might inspire a future post.

11:31 A.M. ~ Return home relaxed and manicured, sit back at computer, click over to ONE or TWO or THREE or FOUR FAVORITE and/or FABULOUS* BLOGS, (maybe FIVE or SIX or MORE…) leave behind a trail of hilarious/brilliant/witty comments. Marvel at ability to do that. Jolted as thought occurs that — due to a number of misspelled words — the aforementioned comments might seem less than hilarious, brilliant, and/or witty. Hope no one notices.

5:59 P.M. ~ Look at clock. Gasp. Realize past 4.5 hours have been spent searching ‘net for pictures to enhance upcoming hilarious/brilliant/witty and/or potentially award-winning post, wonder what’s for dinner.

11:37 P.M. ~ Fill up on a cheese calzone while watching Earl, The Office, and the Daily Show. Realize next post won’t write itself, consider staying up late, change mind, go to bed.

FRIDAY — 3:12 A.M. ~ Wake up, ponder the meaning of life, consider writing a post about it, fall back asleep.

4:17 A.M. ~ Dream about flying through the air and dive bombing high school “rival” — a whore named Donna — who had nerve to show up outside Home Ec. classroom on the arm of Someone Else’s boyfriend.

4:19 A.M. ~ Somehow miss Donna, instead land smack dab on top of Miss Van Deusen — who threatens to sue and/or hand out a failing grade for putting “flour” in the tomato sauce which, as it turns out, is not the best way to achieve a rich and thick marinara. Meanwhile, watch in dismay as Someone Else’s boyfriend chases after that bitch, who’s suddenly naked and humping the bus driver, Pierre.

6:28 A.M. ~ Hit “snooze” button on alarm clock, fall back alseep, in hopes of convincing Miss Van Deusen to change grade after she gets out of the hospital. Consider baking her a “dreamy” lasagna, by way of a bribe, remember rich and thick marinara is now a block of red cement, change mind. Tuck block of sauce under arm, and go searching for Donna, who shows up sporting 12 slimy/slutty arms, one around every cute boy in school.

7:03 A.M. ~ Leap out of bed, remembering son needs to be at Starbucks in 27 minutes.

7:41 A.M. ~ Drive son to work, remind him again how hard it is to be on time for his job when he leaves the house 11 minutes after he’s supposed to be there.

8:02 A.M. ~ Consider various topics for potential Pulitzer-prize winning post, including, but not limited to, the upcoming Kentucky Derby (oooh, A Day at the Races!), a drunken David Hasselhoff (ohhh, Kitt would be so ashamed), and/or the Hindenburg — which exploded 70 years ago, Sunday. (oh The Humanity).

9:29 A.M. ~ Despair over fact that new hilarious post is still not written. Hope no one notices.

10:16 A.M. ~ Recall DIESEL is having a new caption contest…wonder if it will be as much fun as the LAST ONE… Smile and remember that tomorrow is Saturday, which means LAMPSHA will be doing another wonderful spin. Sigh in delight and/or relief at thought of having two whole days to procrastinate think up something to write for next week.

creative writing10:29 A.M. ~ Fail to load up one single goddamn post-enhancing picture after bending-over backwards to write something worthwhile, swear like a fucking sailor under breath. Hope no one cares that this, too, will be less than stellar post. Toss back last few drops of TGSNWM, gag at the fact drink is now cold and/or bitter, chuckle at irony. Hit “publish”.

~snuppy

10:29:30 A.M. ~ click over to Humor-Blogs.com. Laugh.

*This particular FABULOUS BLOGGER finally has a new video/post up, and promises she’ll have another for us to enjoy, in the very near future. Does that make us happy? Sí Sí… you bet your sweet ass it does. FO SHO’!

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17 Comments so far
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10:57 A.M. (EST) ~ BARELY get this stupid thing up an running on the same day it’s written. oy… 😉 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Ah yes, a day or two in the life…ain’t it grand? Quite the dream you were having and yet laying right there next to you I had nary the clue. Sounds like it was a doozy! As for our son…his start time is more of a guideline to him than a rule…at least in the world in which he lives.

TGIF!

Comment by BoBo

TGIF indeed! And I’m home cleaning – not so TGIF, but hey until we can get our own NotHazel, I’ll still have to clean instead of just pre-clean.

That was some dream and I am cracking up as I try to decipher the meaning but I am distracted by the thought that I should be having a TGSL myself…if I just slipped out the front door now I could be back in time to put in a good effort.

You don’t need a stinking post enhancer! This was great (oh and not that your post enhancers stink, oh no). xox

Comment by LAMPSHA

Wait! You had two TGSNWMs yesterday????? WTF?

Comment by BoBo

I like yesterday’s better.

Kidding! This was very funny, snuppy. Take the weekend off.

Comment by Diesel

I think you’re trying to do too much.

Comment by Doug

Bobo: “vivid” is the word i might use to describe it. ah well, everyone knew that Donna — like Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy — was nothing but a big whore. and a fat one, at that. xox

Lampsha: TGID’oh! hardly counts as a “day off” when you’re cleaning, my friend! here’s hoping you find your own NotHazel, soon! (with luck one who does a better job than mine does on any given day) xox

BoBo: you weren’t supposed to see that. 🙄 xox

Diesel: watch it, bub… i’m in a “mood”. xox

Doug: i don’t like to complain. xox

Comment by snuppy

Didn’t I tell you this one would be brilliant. Damn kids, they’re all the same, aren’t they? I think their internal clocks must be way out of whack. Scary high school dream! Has Diesel been sharing his happy mushrooms with you?

Comment by Theresa

Maybe you should let not hazel write some posts.

Comment by logo™

Theresa: heh… out of whack and/or broken. gimme 2 triple-grande-soy-no-whip-mochas and i’m flying pretty well by myself! xox

logo™: not only could Not-Hazel not write posts as well as i don’t, she’d not write ’em in Spanish! xox

Comment by snuppy

That picture of you writing creatively is disturbing. How do you bend like that?

Comment by Nessa

Nessa: hahaha! YOU are the first one to notice and/or comment on that picture, my friend! i’d tell ya how to do it, but i’m thinkin’ such things are better left to professionals. (you know, i joke, but it wouldn’t surprise me one bit to find out Miz B could actually do moves like that… not only is she beautiful, she teaches Ashtanga Yoga — which keeps her strong and limber!) 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

I am so, so, so, SO late to the partay but alas, a day spent running around like mad (ok… I got carried away this morning with a one hour yoga practice and a one hour speedwalking jaunt around the ‘hood but the rest of the day was spent running around for things other than my zen adrenaline rush self indulgences FO SHO!) can do that to bohemians especially when they find out that the birthday party for the girl’s friend that was supposed to be next week was actually today, as in this f-ing afternoon and so off the kids were rushed to one store for chocolates for an ailing grandma in the hospital, then they were rushed off to another store and made to wait in the car with their dad as the frazzled mom (and that would be me) bought a gift for the abovementioned forgotten birthday girl, and finally off they rushed to the hospital to hang out with said ailing grandma and then off they rushed to the kiddie party where, it turns out, they look at you like an alien if you actually walk into their home instead of blindly dropping your kid off… and yeah, I walked in and pretty soon learned that the boy and I were quite unwelcome and out we walked and hung around that side of town for an hour at which point we snatched back the girl…

Seriously, what is wrong with these people??? This is the second birthday party I have been “kicked out” of through sheer coldness, is-she-fucking-high-I-mean-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-her-that-she-thinks-she-is-welcome-in-our-home looks of utter WOAH these people give! Dios mio!

Good to be home! Yep, all that to say “good to be home” (why could the bohemian not say that to begin with??? Oh we will never know!) and “Oh so good to be in the Snark” laughing my ass off, MY ASS OFF, at your witty ways amiga mia and I must say those dreams of yours are faboo (as is this hilarious post)!

Loverboy is not too crazy about my nightmares as they tend to involve him being gay and me wondering why I married a gay guy and was I fantasizing then when I thought we were a straight couple in love and why was he our upstairs neighbor’s (from SF… a guy) boyfriend now and why the hell did he marry me to begin with if he was gay and was gonna come home with his boyfriends… and if he isn’t my gay husband in the dreams then he is a total jackass who is having an affair with nasty skinned, fat, short-haired, blond women with afro perms… poor, poor man! Ha, ha, haa!

And oh dios mio! I just read the sweet comment up above! You are too sweet amiga mia though I will say that I have yet to attempt that pose (building an injured shoulder back up am I), though there is a similar one in yoga in a more advanced series than the Ashtanga Yoga primary series, pretzel poses are to be had… maybe a vid of that will be in order some day to show I ain’t joshin’! 😉 But before that happens more speedwalking is in order to tone up…

Dios mio… I am rambling on, what’s new? Can you not tell I miss you my dearest of amigas? Well, off I go to bed to catch some zzzz’s! May all be well with you my dearest of Nevalicious, Snuppylicious, simply amazing of amigas! Besos y buenas noches!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

you did it snuppy, you wrote a hilarious post 🙂

I see you you’ve working on your naked gymnastics in your spare time. nice job!

Comment by kyahgirl

This was funny! I can certainly relate, except not with the picture -that’s just creepy.

Comment by Claire

Isnæt it just annoying how having a deadline almost every day of the week, makes you dream about marinara? I bet it´s all related!

I know I am gonna die for this in a few months, but how about a bicycle for son that leave slate for work every day?! Oxygen does wonderous things to a brain 🙂 Don´t tell him I said that!
xox

Comment by Penguin

CRAP I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS!
You write a brilliant and incredibly hilarious post (even funnier than diesel’s), lose it, then have to put something lame in it’s place until you find it. That happens to me every single time I write a post!
Cool bendy pose! My eyes are bad, please tell me you’re wearing flesh colored tights!

Comment by Zoning Out Again




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