Central Snark

Now What? by mattresspolice
Tuesday, 15 May 2007, 7:59am
Filed under: funny..., Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselLast week I detailed the Ten Stages of Blogging, which outlined the gradual decline into apathy and mediocrity which we as bloggers blah blah blah something or other, you get the idea. Many of you have already experienced these stages and are at the point where you are looking to “get out,” as they say in the mob. Actually, I don’t know if they say that in the mob, but sometimes I say it in the mall. I hate the mall. I try to get out, but they keep pulling me back in.

Anyway, for those of you trying to wean yourselves from blogging, here are some suggestions for things you can do to pass the time and fill that void in your life.

Talking to yourself on the street

Before blogging gave an outlet to millions of people who had something to say, those people had to make do by muttering to themselves on the street. In fact, in most big cities this is still a highly respected semiprofessional activity. Your local muttering club is probably accepting new members. Just find the guy wearing his baseball hat sideways and six pairs of pants. Approach him slowly and say something like, “Hello, friend! I’m interested in muttering to no one in particular, punctuated with occasional agitated barking.” If he responds with something completely unrelated, like “Red rubber shoes quack,” he’s your man. Follow him around for a while and imitate his style. Eventually you’ll feel ready to go out on your own. If you run out of nonsensical things to say, just start quoting Cream’s White Room. No one will know the difference.

Writing letters to the editor of your local paper

Yes, they still publish letters to the editor! And no, they’re not all from cranks. Well, ok, they are all from cranks. But you could be one of those cranks! People care what you have to say. I mean, I don’t, and nobody I know does, but… well, old people who read letters to the editor do. That’s right, you could be communicating directly to other cranks right now. And they’ll write letters right back, telling you how stupid you are and quoting the Bible to prove it. Why, it’ll be a regular old-fashioned crank-off! So don’t wait. Dust off that Smith-Corona and get started!

Giving advice to friends and relatives

Now that you’re not advising the movers and shakers on how to solve big problems like Iraq and Paris Hilton, you can focus on solving problems like your son-in-law not meeting his potential or you sister wearing too much jewelry. Put those unsolicited advice-giving skills to work improving the people around you!

Forwarding chain letters

Before there were memes, there were chain letters. No, not the emails from Bill Gates that you have to forward to all your friends so that Bill will cure cancer. I’m talking about actual hard copy letters that you have to stuff in an envelope and put a stamp on… a perfectly good stamp that you had to pay… holy crap, 41 cents! Nevermind. You’d have to be a moron to do that.

Joining a book club

You’ve gotten really good at making comments to virtual strangers about something you pretend to have read. Did you know that there are actual clubs for that? Show off what you’ve learned as a blogger by segueing seamlessly from Angela’s Ashes to Aqua Teen Hunger Force.


You can’t bore plants no matter how much you blather on about stuff they don’t care about. As long as you’re giving off carbon dioxide with every breath, they’ll love you for it. (Although I did hear of one unfortunate ex-blogger who droned on for so long about Anna Nicole Smith that his azaleas finally tore out his larynx. I’m told this behavior is rare, only occurring in extreme cases with certain hybrid varieties.)

Well, that should keep you busy. Just pick one or more of these activities and pursue them with gusto; pretty soon you won’t even miss all that chatter about blogrolls and caption contests and memes. And if you do miss it, just start reminiscing to yourself out loud as you meander aimlessly about downtown. No normal person will have a clue what you’re talking about, and you’ll be the star mutterer in no time.

~ Diesel

Strawberrry water tire factory at humor-blogs.com, wouldn’t you know it?


22 Comments so far
Leave a comment

well, Diesel, this is as fine a post as has ever seen the light of a match. that said, may i offer one or two pieces of constructive criticism? i believe you should have encouraged one and/or all to write chain letters to Paris Hilton, who clearly needs all the attention and/or good fortune she can get, what with her impending incarceration, and all. and what’s up with her hair? i mean, would a few low lights kill her? i think not. maybe a few pounds, too. and a different shade of lipstick.

so running with the butterflies can provide meaning and good fortune, but only if the fishnet stockings you wear have holes in them. sometimes i like to eat peanut butter with swiss cheese, but only when i can melt it together on a flour tortilla. Dune was a fabulous book, but nothing can touch Animalia for colorful content. Hot puppies, grub! xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Man, I’m glad I’m not the only one who pretends to read blog entries before commenting…thanks for bringing that up. Good stuff!

By the way, you should have mentioned something about chain letters…that would have been funny!

Comment by CrummyJoel

As my son once said when he was two, “Grandma fish cracker.”

Comment by Diesel

But I don’t LIKE gardening!

Comment by logo™

What if you already talk to yourself? You know, because no one else seems to make sense any more. And I’m surprised you didn’t mention catatonia. I find it to be an excellent way to pass the time when I’m not blogging … and sometimes even when I am.

Comment by Jami

You’re not thinking of leaving us, are you? What would we ever do to fill the void you leave, would we have to mutter to ourselves as we blog? Oh, wait, we already do that. Lucky limerick limes read lazy dogs, moons jump over cows, and eat forbidden legumes….

Comment by Theresa

“Now that you’re not advising the movers and shakers on how to solve big problems like Iraq…

That was for me, wasn’t it?

Comment by Jeff

in the words of my son (back when he was a tiny boy): Shockaponie.

we think that was supposed to be “chocolate pudding” — but it didn’t matter. the point, for it was here a moment ago — is, um… kids look nice when bronzed, and are placed in a garden, next to the bouganvilla. 🙄

Comment by snuppy

Snuppy, I’ll have to remember that – probably by muttering it to myself repeatedly on my way home…”bronzed kids in the bouganvilla, bronzed kids in the bouganvilla”.

Who says blogging is a waste of time?!

Comment by LAMPSHA

In the words of my son back when he was only semi-gigantic “that’s a schiznittybombsnap”
-identifying an unknown bug for a seventh grade project which the teacher obviously never looked at cuz he got an A and no comment on the new species.

Comment by Claire

Just like we don’t read an entire post before commenting, teachers don’t read entire assignments before grading.

Comment by CrummyJoel

have you seen my green hat? Gosh I swear those incinerators use dto be more circly and I wouldn´t mind having one of them coconut drinks, dear Sir Lancelot.

Have a grand Thursday, you all!

Comment by Penguin

Clearly azaleas are a higher life form. ^_^

Comment by Candace

I’ll have you know that I’m plenty proud of my letters to the editor.
Over and out.

Comment by LAMPSHA

By the way, I just noticed your twin – Uma right above your profile pic. There is something similar – would you mind trying on red lipstick?

Comment by LAMPSHA

Lampsha: hah! unless i’m mistaken, Diesel’s name is written in lipstick — quite possibly the same shade Uma has on in that picture above his. but none of that matters now, as i’m wondering where we can find another green hat for teh Penguin — think she’d settle for a green coconut split in half? *nods head* me neither. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Right you are! Look at that.

Would now be the time to do the Letterman bomb? Uma/Diesel Diesel/Uma?

The Penguin is very fond of crowns, so I don’t know about that. 😉

Nighty night Snarksters.

Comment by LAMPSHA

Lampsha: *holds up pantyhose* Uma? Diesel fit her. Diesel fitter? *holds up Uma in pantyhose* Uma.

no… that’s not right. 🙄

so you’re saying we should crown our dear penguin with a coconut? not sure she’d like that. tho’, sometimes she feels like a nut, most of teh time she feels like a piece of chocolate. wait…. that doesn’t sound right, either. ya know what? stick a fork in me, i’m done. ; P

Comment by snuppy

Oh never mind, I found it in rabbit´s house around 45th and snowdrive road. I was Iceskating on teh sand back there. It was a wonderful volcanic eruption!

Comment by Penguin

confess dear Penguin — you found your hat inside Siggi Palsson’s Hobbit hole, on the table by the fireplace, right next to his pipe. 😉 xox (snuppy)

Comment by One Hot Puppy

OMG, I might start crying at Zoloft commercials again! Thanks for letting us know: IT’S OK!

Comment by Manola Blablablanik

I think I would rather continue to blog, no matter how erratically.

Comment by Nessa

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