Central Snark


Sex Ed. 101 by Snuppy
Friday, 18 May 2007, 10:54am
Filed under: FYI (ish)

good witchANNOUNCEMENT? Yikes. Nothing we hate more about ourselves than when we promise to conjure up something special for you kids and then can’t. Or don’t remember what we were thinking when we made the promise to try, in the first place. Sometimes the party in our heads rages on without our permission, and we’re the ones left picking up the confetti of ponderings and/or bad ideas when all the brain cells have gone to bed. While you mull over that last sentence, allow us to pull an “announcement” out of our, um, hats…

A couple of weeks ago, a certain LAMPSHA was engaged in a flurry of e-mails with a certain CURMUDGEON. Actually, it was more of a flur, because there were only one or two, or so we were told, but that’s beside the point. The point, because we absolutely must have one around here somewhere, is that during that flur of e-mails, it was revealed that the aforementioned curmudgeon had put the names Gina and Neva together to form a unique — and moderately amusing — moniker: Nevagina. Don’t think those of us named Neva and/or Gina didn’t laugh and laugh and laugh at that one, because we most certainly did. Then we said to ourselves: Hey, let’s use that as a jumping off point to introduce a new “feature” in the Snark! Something to do with sex! Not “sex” sex, but “sex-ish” sex. Related to sex. Sex, but not SEX.

What the hell are we saying here? We’re saying that on Fridays* we’ve decided to try to have fun with sex without being too, uh, gratuitously, er, sexy. In other words, no matter what we seem to be leading up to, anyone who gets too inappropriate and/or racy will be cut off faster ‘n you can say “Lorena, put down that knife.”

cluelessIN the absence of a clue and/or stepping off point, we decided to start this new “feature” off slow and easy, in hopes it might grow organically, on its own. In lieu of enhancements, we thought it might be fun to offer up the following Instructive Video for your amusement and/or education. Don’t thank us now, save it for later — after you snag a date, enjoy a mouthful of weenies at the dance, and successfully commandeer a memorable-yet-tongueless good-night kiss.

NEXT week, we’ll post something that lends itself to more, um, participation. For today, we just hope you can all enjoy this video, and maybe share a few stories about your own first dates and/or dating faux pas.

NOW, having spent the better part of the morning (around 47 minutes) working on this post, we have no idea what’s going on around the blogosphere. That said, we know for a fact that DIESEL’s doing something that involves funny pictures and captions, but, for the life of us, we can’t remember what it’s called. Ah well, it’ll come to us eventually — most things that give us pleasure usually do. Loreeeena…

Plenty to laugh, chuckle and/or titter at on Humor-blogs.com.

~snuppy

*except when we don’t feel like doing it.

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26 Comments so far
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Truth be told, Lampsha and I really do plan to start talking about sex “related” topics on Fridays*… and offer up advice with the help — we HOPE — of our “partners” in writing crimes, i.e., TEH PENGUIN, CATTY YUMMY MUMMY, and when we can get her, THE LITTLE BLUE PILL. Okay, and DIESEL. If we get really lucky, we might even convince our sister, the VeryVerySmart DR. TERRI to weigh in from time to time.

*MOST Fridays, that is… Also, we happen to think this particular “feature” will make for EXCELLENT lead-ins to the ever popular SATURDAY SPINS… which, as you all know by now, are hosted by the VERY BRILLIANT DJ LAMPSHA! xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

I’m pretty sure Nick isn’t going to get lucky anytime soon…he throws like a girl. I love those videos!!

Comment by BoBo

BoBo: i’m pretty sure there’s a reason Nick throws like a girl — it wasn’t Kay he wanted to date, but Danny Kaye. i mean, was it me or did he enjoy those weenies a bit too much?. (not that there’s anything wrong with that) 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Let’s see, there’s the school carnival, bowling, the square dance… Lots of things you can do AS A GROUP. WITH PLENTY OF OTHER PEOPLE AROUND WHO CAN SEE EVERYTHING YOU DO. Yes, it will be swell!

Did anyone else see the suggestive hand movements Nick is making while playing with his ball?

Nick has better luck with women than I did, and he’s retarded.

Comment by Diesel

Nick sure is a far cry from hyper active, isn´t he. Ok, mini-golf…my place, next Saturday…bring double dates!

also: I certainly wouldn´t mind throwing my five cents into teh sexy discussions coming up. I could bring…aemm…an international aspect to the group.
*giggles* On second thought, maybe it is best, I am left out of this!

Comment by Penguin

FYI: My lord, those pants were snug back then! 🙂

Comment by Penguin

Diesel, perhaps if you too had played with your ball as suggestively, but all’s well that ends well, ay?
Penguin, we’ll bring the weenies! And I’m sure your input would be most welcome by the community at large.
Snuppy – a wonderful kickoff. That Nick – quite the assertive fellow. A swim meet as a date? Oy vay. Well this is the start of a wonderful public service, it can only go down up from here. xox

Comment by LAMPSHA

Sex! Ah, now I understand where the perky pecker caption came from. Just loved it! Now, if Diesel took Spiderman out on a date, what would they do, where would they go? Maybe they could go see “Aracnophobia” together, only Spidey’s probably seen that one. Weenie Roast everyone! Now isn’t that just swell?

Comment by Theresa

Sex is always good for a laugh – in our house anyway.

Comment by Nessa

Diesel: good thing you’ve got that whole “humor” schtick going on — in fact i’m guessing Mrs. Diesel thought yours was hilarious, otherwise you’d still be eating weenies by yourself. wait… that didn’t come out right. WAIT, that didn’t come out right, either. d’oh! xox

Penguin: no-no! there’ll be NO backing out, my friend. (did that come out, right? i’m tellin’ you, apparently i’m a veritable innuendo machine, today. at least in my head i am. that’s what he said…. help.) uh… where was i? oh yeah: i think YOUR point of view will come in very, er, handy, once we kick this puppy off. oy. i need to stop now, don’t i? 😳 xox

Lampsha: one can only assume he did play with his balls that way… to the exclusion of every one else! or, um… you’re right, it can ONLY go up, no down, no up from here… (that’s what he said…) aieee! THIS is what i get for watching too many episodes of The Office, unchaperoned. (that’s what she said…) 😉 xox

Theresa: Swell? are you talking about the weenies?? Lorena…! heh heh. and yeah — i suppose i did have “perky peckers” on my mind when i did that caption — tho’, in my defense, that picture kind of screams for at least one dumb penis joke, don’t ya think? 🙂 xox

Comment by snuppy

Nessa: as i used to tell my EX-husband, “Hey, if I can’t make fun of it, what’s the point? Besides, I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at you trying to do that.” yeah… that didn’t end well (good riddance, and Hello Joel!) guessing that’s why i wound up with the kids. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Here’s a story from the early thirties to go with the video: my father stood up his date for the prom because his Baptist minister dad (born around 1870) had never heard of proms and saw no need for them.
Maybe they should have gone square dancing.

Comment by weirsdo

At first, I thought it was going to be a threesome joke–but omg, it was trying to be serious:)

Comment by actonbell

You know, Neva, the nice thing about you writing about sex is we’re distracted too.

Comment by Doug

Oh, and I’m glad I could help.

Too funny, Actonbell!

Comment by Doug

Weirsdo: laughing at that story, and at the fact that when i first read your comment, i read “prom” as “porm” and suddenly thought of a bunch of porn-related spam we’ve recieved of late, which all link through the word “Porm”. maybe your grandfather was on to something, after all. 😉 xox

Actonbell: hahahaha! pretty sure that’s gonna happen next week, at the weenie “roast”. i can just hear Kate now: “Ménage à what? I thought you said you liked mayonaise!” 🙂 xox

Doug: thank goodness for that, i was afraid i’d have to resort to shiny tit-tassels in order to keep the focus off of my bad writing, and i wasn’t sure you’d recovered enough from last time to wear ’em again. and yeah — without NeVagina, we had nothin’, so thanks!
🙄 xox

Comment by snuppy

Life was innocent and kind of nerdy back then.

Comment by Claire

Claire: assuming “weenie roast” meant barbequed hot dogs, then yeah. my favorite part is when Nick “discovers” the secret to his friend’s ability to come up with activities a girl might like. “Of course! A list on the wall! It was right there behind that column and under an announcement about tomorrow’s lice check all along! D’oh!”. that Nick. and, hello? Kate enjoys swim meets AND baseball games? something tells me she’s not like all the other girls working on that scavenger hunt, either. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Oh good grief – I hope I don’t have to provide advice.

Nevagina…bwahahaha.

There was a woman in our writing group named Nina and one day when a NY Times author of romance was talking, my best friend & I started to get stupid (re: bored) and began to make fun of her (Nina (pronounced Nie-na)) hair because this is what catty girls do when they’re bored. We GINina because her hair looked militaryish but what seriously caused us to crack up was that it also looked pubic hairish. This sent me into giggles that resulted in tears, muffled snorts and leaving the room when we were glared at. Good times. And no vagnina just wasn’t as funny.

(See I just contributed to sex friday!)

Comment by littlebluepill

LBP: THERE you are! yeesh — i figured it would take something cheesy to draw you back out, my friend! thank goodness this silly video and/or the promise of future romps through topics of a, ahem, sexual nature did the trick! LOVE that story — i tell ya, Gina and i just cracked up at Doug’s little name-combo. that said, poor Nina… pubic hair? ewwwww, talk about yer bad hair days… 🙂 xox

Comment by snuppy

ps: did ANY of you catch the “Lorena Bobbit” reference in this post? am i that weird to have thought it was funny? woe is me… and my warped sense of humor.

and on that note…. nighty night! 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Diesel’s insane. Don’t go there. Nothing to see, move along.

Comment by Skul

Swell, isn’t that what weenies always do? So, who’s weenie should we roast first?

Comment by Theresa

Well, Pup, after that movie, no one will need the little blue pill. Ten minutes of fore-play like that and flagrant delicious was inevitable. The sexy hair and dresses on those babes must have driven the boys wild. I’m still laughing. But, truly, I was actually there. I was five and sitting under the table, near the punch bowl. The guys kept giving me little bottles of stinky stuff to pour into the bowl. And the girls kept giving me aspirins to slip into the Coke. I had fun, but, lots of them (I remember thinking) must have been bored because they wound up asleep on the floor….Ah, yes! I remember it well………Judy

Comment by J.D.

Weenie roasts are my favorite. I thought that film was square though…

Comment by Terry

Skul: agreed. and yet, like a train wreck, it’s so hare not to look as i drive past the mess. xox

Theresa: my point, exactly. not sure who’s first… Diesel, perhaps? (i heard he’s insane, so, y’know, he might like it!) 😉 xox

JD: hah! well your memory is far better than my own. actually, i think i was just a wee bit too young to take advantages of such “golden” opportunities. which explains, i suppose, why my first kiss didn’t happen until i was almost 16. yikes! xox

Terry: hahahaha. i think the most square aspect of the film was poor Nick’s head. no wonder he had problems getting dates. yeesh. xox

Comment by snuppy




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