Central Snark


I am an aunt…again! by Snuppy
Wednesday, 23 May 2007, 8:54am
Filed under: Teh Penguin

baby shoesOn Monday at 11.29 my latest niece was born. Mother and child are doing fine and the dad (my brother) is beginning to calm down a bit. It is their first child and they really don´t know what they are about to embrace. I asked; the child did not come with an instruction manual and the first time I called my sister-in-law, the little baby girl started to cry so the mother had to put down the phone, stop talking to me and focus on the little attention stealer. Good luck, parents! I mean that.

This little baby girl, was ready to greet this world and give it the benefit of the doubt, way back in March. The doctor stopped it and sorta pushed her right back in. My sister-in-law was due over a week ago and I guess little baby girl simply felt rejected and started to wallpaper the inside of the womb, ready to ignore the birth canal and create her own religion, when the doctor decided to induce labor. Two hours later she was there, 53 cm and equipped with my brother´s ears and mouth…or so I am told. I really hope she got some of her mother´s features ,too… ‘cause that nose on a girl…

Now, I am the oldest of my siblings. We are seven. Five grandchildren have been awarded to my mother as of today. Neither one of them from me. I used to get all sorts of crab from my mother about the lack of reproduction at an age she deemed appropriate. Finally my younger sister started to multiply and I thought that would be the end of the pressure from aforementioned grandma. Little did I know. There are three sides attacking me now…and you used to wonder why I moved to Iceland of all places. It´s nothing to do with the rotten shark meat, it´s the frozen phone lines that make my life easier.

As an excited aunt, I of course, inquired about the name. Caroline. Ok…I can make my peace with that. Any middle name you care to announce, like anything in direction of Monika? Nope, no middle name. Let me get this straight: I have 4 nieces now…neither of which carries a reference to the great family patriarch that is me? Upon illuminating my brother on his oversight, he just laughed. Was it something I said?

I can´t wait to see her in the beginning of July, though. Hold her, smell her hair and discuss with her the levels of “googlegoo”, “yum yums” and “beddie byes” that we deem appropriate. Make thousands of pictures, trying to capture her first smile and gently, but convincingly, make her sign a contract to stay away from guys until the age of 19. When we get to the situation of an “oopsie-daisy!” , however, I´ll pass her on to the nearest-by standing parent and announce: “ I´m outta here!”

At the end of my conversation with my brother I left him with these little jokes, and assured him, it´ll get easier with the next one or the one after that…either one of which he should feel free to name Monika, if proper gender applies. Otherwise, I just call Godmother!

Parenting

“Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.
2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

3rd baby: Your maternity clothes ARE your regular clothes.

—————

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don’t bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn’t do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

—————

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn’s clothes, color-coordinate them, and fold them neatly in the baby’s little bureau.

2nd baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can’t they?

—————

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress – a whimper, a frown-you pick up the baby.

2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

—————

Pacifier

1st baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

2nd baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby’s bottle.

3rd baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

—————

Diapering

1st baby: You change your baby’s diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

2nd baby: You change their diaper every 2 to 3 hours, if needed.

3rd baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

—————

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn’t squeezing, poking, or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

—————

Swallowing Coins

1st child: when first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand x-rays.

2nd child: when 2nd child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for coin to pass.

3rd child: when 3rd child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!! ”

~ and on that happy note, Auntie Penguin… OUT!

Treat your own inner child to a few laughs at Humor-Blogs.com.

Advertisements

26 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Congratulations on becoming an auntie again, dearest Penguin! while i sat here laughing at these “observations” it occurred to me that this is exactly the reason i stopped at two, and opted for dogs. in the end, i believe we made a wise and/or prudent decision! 😉 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Actually, Minka, I think you’re just chicken. (Is that what penguin tastes like …?) Of course, it does take two, and if you’re collecting spaghetti-haired, purple-painted, terra cotta statues in your garden, it’s not going to get you anywhere. Oh? that’s the point?

The really sad part is how soon you get used to all those nappy changes …

Comment by oceallaigh

snuppy, see some people are just smart and I wanted to relieve my sister of the third burden quite willingly, but she did not want to share.

OC, did you just call me poultry? *flutters off*

Comment by Penguin

There never was a funnier aunt. If you’re a good horsie you have it made.

I thought you came for the rotten shark meat. Huh.

Comment by Walela

Congratulations sweet pingüinita! I am sure she will gogglegoo away for her favorite auntie once you guys meet FO SHO! But 19? As a mother I can attest to the fact that the age of 43 might be a preferable one for the contract… ok… make it 62… um, on second thought, up that a little and… *sigh* I can’t even go there I tell you! 😉

As for the clothes, I am happy to report that never did I wear ANY maternity clothes during either pregnancy… nope, not gonna do it I tell ya and thanks to SF’s faboo second hand stores many faboo and hippie clothes were had (stretch is where it’s at FO SHO!) at VERY affordable prices!

I did nothing other than my regular yoga routine and avoided breathing classes and whatnot like the plague because a) I figured that once the pain kicked in all theories would be shot to shit (and they were!) and b) I had a total aversion to pregnant women and was freaked out when surrounded by them (I know, I know but there you have it!)…

As for the rest, ha, ha, haaaa and oh so true (though knock on wood, spit three times, throw salt over your shoulder, dance a jiggie jig jig) but thankfully, no coins have been swallowed or stuck up any noses in this here household! Phew! THAT would freak me out! Nope… my bohemian babies come equipped with wallets and they like money too much to mess with it! Oy! 😉

Faboo post sweet amiga and here’s hoping that you get to see that sweet little lady soon!!!!

Besos!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Walela, right you are, I have-on occasion- tried the horsie thing and then all wanted to jump on simultaenously and I am just one human being. So I gave that up pretty quick!

CYM, I´ll get to see her in about a month and a half…I can´t wait. I also get to see my one and only nephew I haven´t seen yet…I fear for my ovaries, I really do!

Comment by Penguin

Congratulations to you wonderful auntie! Those observations on life with kids and the loosening of standards sounds just about right. I do remember when Julian was born and I’d put him in to sleep during the daytime. Suddenly I might see the door to the bedroom open – hmmm, interesting. I’d go in on more than one occassion to find Tali giving the bassinet a “gentle” rocking. Well, we all survived in tact – so far.

I think you should have your own version of the Nanny 911 show – Auntie 911. Think about it.

Comment by LAMPSHA

Congratulations, Auntie Minka. You could just start calling your niece Penguin. I’m sure everyone else will follow along.

Comment by Nessa

Excellent post Auntie Minka (has a nice ring to it). Let me just say children are the gift that just keeps on giving…and giving…and giving…etc…god bless ’em (delivered with just the slightest hint of sarcasm). Over the years I have become convinced that if couples were to adopt dogs before having children they might think twice about the latter. To the best of my knowledge, dogs never wreck cars, do drugs (at least not knowingly) or date psycho hose beasts. They rarely talk back and are always glad to see you and spend time with you. Just saying.

Comment by BoBo

…did that sound bitter?

Comment by BoBo

Only just a titch, Bobo …

Well the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon,
Little boy blue and the man in the moon;
“When you comin’ home, son?”
“I don’t know when,
“But we’ll get together then, Dad,
“You know we’ll have a good time then.”

Comment by oceallaigh

I guess I am sorta callous, I skipped to stage two on most things but I didn’t get to stage three, just sort of held steady.
Congrats, Auntie Minka!

Comment by logo™

Enhorabuena! That’s the best way to have kids, you get to enjoy them and then give them back to their parents for all the crying, diaper changes, snotty noses, etc. You just get to have fun being the cool aunt. Those observations are not only funny but absolutely true, yup, that’s the only way not to go crazy. I hope you enjoy that sweet little niece, even if she’s not named Monika (and just think of all the practice you’ll be getting for the future…).

Comment by Theresa

congratulations to your brother and sister-in-law and of course to your niece, it is not an easy thing to step out to this world. brave little girl!

I put the pacifier in my own mouth to make it clean before giving it back to the baby. 😛

Comment by ariel

lampsha…my own show. I´ve been thinking about it. I could fill 10 series easy. But who´d take my word for it? Single and childless?

Nessa, interesting…*gets the phone to give her brother a ring*

Bobo, just a tad bitter. Speaking from experience? And “Sieben, sieben ailulu” how was that. My fingers hurt from stitching the costume 😉

Oc, that was bitter-sweet too. Maybe I should hand out muffins or something?

Logo, thank you. I wanna skip to stage two too. Fortunately, twins run in my family 🙂

Theresa, true, but I do wonder if I can create such cuteness as my nieces already are, minus the stretch marks of course. I really think my sister should share, she has four…I got none! Not fair!!! I used to give her my pudding way back when we were tiny and small!

ariel, you have a child? I had no idea! By the by, when is your blog opening? Joke!

Comment by Penguin

Minka…don’t forget the big sunglasses and faux fur…a must for full effect.

Comment by BoBo

Bobo: i’m thinkin’ she needs a big, floppy hat, and a stuffed parrot to wear on her shoulder. at least that’s how I like to look when in full “Auntie” mode. 😉

also, you forgot to mention the occasional SUCCUBUS that finds her way into one of their hearts and/or our front door. ouch. xox

Comment by snuppy

Haha! What fun, to be the a new aunt again! cool beans. I remember how exciting it was when dddragon had her girls. Congratulations, Monika!

Comment by actonbell

Bobo…I am just concentrating on teh star on my head…it keeps falling off, nothing like a crown, I tell you!
By the time I get there, I hope we both are really kidding about this 🙂

snuppy, I have to bette rlook into those succubus. I am a bit worried now! And puppy, did I apply for a role in pirates of the Carrabean 4, “From the Beyond”? The parrot really gave it away!

actonbell, few things quite like it. I get to spoil them silly and nobody can blame me, it´s in my job description!

Good night everybody…~penguin out!

Who won American Idol????

Comment by Penguin

Kidding?

Jordin Sparks wins Idol (not that we really care)

Comment by BoBo

Penguin: i’m such a nerd! i thought Bobo was talking about what you should wear when you visit your nieces — forgetting, of course, the “performance” of acts from Eurovision you’ve promised to do on your next visit. so the hat and parrot — in my head — were to be part of your “crazy auntie” attire, not your Eurovision Performer Extraordinaire Ensemble.

that said, i think you’d make a perfectly lovely wench and/or heroine in the next round of Caribbean Pirate films! 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

I’m sure your sister will share temporarily, otherwise you can borrow mine for a few days. My family is originally Dutch, so my kids already know how to say Tante (It’s the same in German right?) – They can call you Tante Minka, or you can teach them the Icelandic word if you want (It’s all good with me). As I said, this is the best way to have kids, you get all the fun and your sister gets all the dirty work.

Comment by Theresa

Bobo…I was joking about the kidding part. Breathe!

snuppy… I think so too. yes, bobo and I have been planning this performance down to the last detail!

Theresa…Tante Monika. I could live with that. I´d love to check yours out one day, in Spain of course!

Comment by Penguin

Funny post, Snuppy! And, GREAT news, too. Congratulations!

Comment by al

Somehow, I never get over here on time when you post, penguin. This was very funny. I like the bit about her starting her own religion in the womb.

With Climber, the nurses kept putting off the epidural until finally it was “too late.” And that kid had a BIG head. Not pretty.

With Speed Pony, she lay down and basically said, “Give me the f@$%*ing epidural, b$%#$! And then of course Speed Pony’s head was like the size of a walnut. She just popped right out.

Anyway, congrats to you and the new parents!

Comment by Diesel

Al…I´ll re-direct that to me 🙂 Thank you!

Diesel, yeah I am startign to take that personal…cried myself to sleep last night and all. Seriously though…glad you could make it! Speed pony ey, seems a good name for her!

Comment by Penguin




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: