Filed under: d'oh!
“Are you a shining example for the huge collection of wingtips and loafers that must be lodged up your lower bowel?”
~Dr. Melfi (Lorraine Bracco), The Sopranos
TRUST US, we know we complain a lot (a lot) about the fact that we never have anything to write about, but this time we’re not kidding. No, really. We have NOTHING to say. No funny jokes to tell, no hilarious musical opposites to offer, no lame-ass video to share. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.
THAT’S not to say we didn’t mull over a few potential topics we thought might be snark-worthy, because we did. But nothing “grabbed” us, and if it didn’t grab us, we felt sure as hell it wouldn’t grab you. That said, and in light of our current uninspired state of empty-mindedness, we’re willing to share a few of the fleeting “creative questions” we asked ourselves — that ultimately caused our eyes to glaze over as we stared at the empty screen in front of us, we hasten to add — in order to give you something to read:
1. Is it just us, or is David Chase telling us to all screw ourselves instead of thanking us for being loyal viewers and watching 85 freaking episodes of The Sopranos? Because that’s how we feel at the moment, screwed. And that asshole didn’t even take us out to dinner before having his way with us and/or dragging us into this one-sided relationship in which we give and we give and we give, and in return we’re forced to watch every single character die like a rat in cement boots before our very eyes. What’s up with that?
2. Would it be too disgusting to mention that the second antibiotic the doctor prescribed — after the first one caused our face to swell up, not to mention turn a freakish shade of red — “upset” the delicate bacterial balance in our even more delicate digestive tract, causing us to have the worst case of diarrhea in the history of mankind? Also, was it a mistake to eat delicious-yet-incredibly-spicy Mexican food two nights in a row?
3. Are we stupid for watching mindless shows like, say, CSI: MIAMI, which is as inane as anything we’ve ever watched in our lives, just because the visuals are spectacular? Also, has David Caruso always been such a lame actor? Wasn’t he good for a minute back in the days of NYPD Blue? And, what’s up with his need to look at anything and/or everything but the person he’s talking to at any given moment of any given scene? Are we wrong to think it’s hilarious? Should we let people know we engage in such behavior?
4. Speaking of decisions to watch reallyreally bad and/or stupid stuff on TV — besides, we mean, the Sopranos, which will be dead to us as soon as Chase kills off Tony, which is where the finale seems to be headed, whether we like it or not — would our friends walk away in disgust if they knew about the dumb movies we find ourselves watching every single time they show up on cable TV? Movies like Pirates of the Caribbean? Or The Philadelphia Story? Or The Fifth Element? Or — and some of us are very loathe to admit this one — The Big Bounce? Are we nuts?
5. If we don’t clean before Not-Hazel gets here to clean, will our house get clean? Could Not-Hazel write a post for us, instead? If so, would we have to not-write it, first?
6. Did everyone enjoy DJ LAMPSHA’S Saturday Spin as much as we did over the weekend? Also, will everyone show up tomorrow if we promise they’ll find something completely hilarious and read-worthy, even if it was written by another favorite Snarker, who’s name is not DIESEL? How ’bout Wednesday, when TEH PENGUIN pops her beautiful head in? How ’bout Thursday, when we’ll have ANOTHER surprise guest post, by another favorite blogger?? How ’bout Friday, when we will finally be able to share part two of that TV news series we did several years ago — that features our veryverysmart sister — and involves a little something we fondly refer to as HOT SEX?
7. Do we have enough toilet paper to get us through the day?
Would it be funny to not-write a funny post for Humor-blogs.com?
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