Central Snark

Nothin’ by Snuppy
Monday, 4 June 2007, 10:29am
Filed under: d'oh!

Are you a shining example for the huge collection of wingtips and loafers that must be lodged up your lower bowel?”

                                             ~Dr. Melfi (Lorraine Bracco), The Sopranos

writers blockTRUST US, we know we complain a lot (a lot) about the fact that we never have anything to write about, but this time we’re not kidding. No, really. We have NOTHING to say. No funny jokes to tell, no hilarious musical opposites to offer, no lame-ass video to share. Nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada.

THAT’S not to say we didn’t mull over a few potential topics we thought might be snark-worthy, because we did. But nothing “grabbed” us, and if it didn’t grab us, we felt sure as hell it wouldn’t grab you. That said, and in light of our current uninspired state of empty-mindedness, we’re willing to share a few of the fleeting “creative questions” we asked ourselves — that ultimately caused our eyes to glaze over as we stared at the empty screen in front of us, we hasten to add — in order to give you something to read:

1. Is it just us, or is David Chase telling us to all screw ourselves instead of thanking us for being loyal viewers and watching 85 freaking episodes of The Sopranos? Because that’s how we feel at the moment, screwed. And that asshole didn’t even take us out to dinner before having his way with us and/or dragging us into this one-sided relationship in which we give and we give and we give, and in return we’re forced to watch every single character die like a rat in cement boots before our very eyes. What’s up with that?

2. Would it be too disgusting to mention that the second antibiotic the doctor prescribed — after the first one caused our face to swell up, not to mention turn a freakish shade of red — “upset” the delicate bacterial balance in our even more delicate digestive tract, causing us to have the worst case of diarrhea in the history of mankind? Also, was it a mistake to eat delicious-yet-incredibly-spicy Mexican food two nights in a row?

David Caruso cool3. Are we stupid for watching mindless shows like, say, CSI: MIAMI, which is as inane as anything we’ve ever watched in our lives, just because the visuals are spectacular? Also, has David Caruso always been such a lame actor? Wasn’t he good for a minute back in the days of NYPD Blue? And, what’s up with his need to look at anything and/or everything but the person he’s talking to at any given moment of any given scene? Are we wrong to think it’s hilarious? Should we let people know we engage in such behavior?

4. Speaking of decisions to watch reallyreally bad and/or stupid stuff on TV — besides, we mean, the Sopranos, which will be dead to us as soon as Chase kills off Tony, which is where the finale seems to be headed, whether we like it or not — would our friends walk away in disgust if they knew about the dumb movies we find ourselves watching every single time they show up on cable TV? Movies like Pirates of the Caribbean? Or The Philadelphia Story? Or The Fifth Element? Or — and some of us are very loathe to admit this one — The Big Bounce? Are we nuts?

5. If we don’t clean before Not-Hazel gets here to clean, will our house get clean? Could Not-Hazel write a post for us, instead? If so, would we have to not-write it, first?

6. Did everyone enjoy DJ LAMPSHA’S Saturday Spin as much as we did over the weekend? Also, will everyone show up tomorrow if we promise they’ll find something completely hilarious and read-worthy, even if it was written by another favorite Snarker, who’s name is not DIESEL? How ’bout Wednesday, when TEH PENGUIN pops her beautiful head in? How ’bout Thursday, when we’ll have ANOTHER surprise guest post, by another favorite blogger?? How ’bout Friday, when we will finally be able to share part two of that TV news series we did several years ago — that features our veryverysmart sister — and involves a little something we fondly refer to as HOT SEX? 

giant roll of toilet paper7. Do we have enough toilet paper to get us through the day?


Would it be funny to not-write a funny post for Humor-blogs.com?


20 Comments so far
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finally — can we get a pass (no bad pun intended) because, dammit, it’s Monday, and everyone else is probably feeling as lame as we are today? (even if no one’s feeling as, um, uncomfortable)

oy — i meant to have an actual post today — not sure why i didn’t. oh well — the rest of the week is shaping up nicely, so stay tuned. now if you’ll excuse me, i have to, er, uh, make sure Not-Hazel’s finished cleaning the, um, toilet. (if your doctor ever tells you “Augmenten” will upset your stomach — BELIEVE IT! aieeeee!) 😕

Comment by One Hot Puppy

You’re funny and entertaining even when you have nothing to say. Yes, last night’s Sopranos left us wondering “what’s it all about Alfie,” or “Alfonso” as the case may be…and yes, if the ending is truly in the direction it seems to be heading we will feel used and abused and toyed with…but I guess that’s nobody’s fault but our own. We know better. We’ve been through this before, have we not?

Sorry about the upset tummy thing…what’s that old saying about the cure being worse than the illness?

Comment by BoBo

That was a great post, especially being about nothing…yup, that’s the best darn nothin’ I’ve ever read about. I’ve never watched the Sopranos, so I can’t say much about that, but I love The Fifth Element (I actually have it on DVD, shhh…don’t tell anyone I said that.) and the first Pirates of the Carribean was pretty good (I have that one too, so if you’re nuts for watching it, I must be too). Mexican food and antibiotics, that sounds like a real bomb, remind me never to mix those two things together. I enjoyed the Spin…this morning, as soon as I got my damn computer up again, and if it keeps working (keeping my fingers crossed here) I’ll be back tomorrow for another good laugh.

Comment by Theresa

Ooooh, Questions! Cool.

1. The guy’s tacked a traditional mob-flick denouement onto the end of what’s lately been a drawn out Goombah-pera.
2. Probably not as disgusting as if you’d also shown us a hidden-camera photo of that Mexican restaurant’s kitchen.
3. Acting? Writing? Ha! Except for cool lighting and set design, there’s little point to watching any scripted television.
4. You’re lucky you live in Connecticut. In New York, its a Class-C Felony to mention “Pirates of the Caribbean” and “The Philadelphia Story” in the same sentence.
5. You’re cleaning lady would be happy to post for you, but only if you have a Mac, because, of course, she doesn’t do Windows.
6. As always, loved-loved-loved The Saturday Spin. Where oh where does she find thse fabulous artists?
and 7. If you follow Sheryl Crowe’s advice to use just one sheet at a time. And both sides.

Comment by al

Oh no not Sil!!!!!!!! Totally wrecked my night. The post Soprano’s ritual phone call to my dad was pretty sad. We probably will be mourning Sil for a while. 🙂 however I don’t think Tony will die, I think he is going to cooperate with the feds instead.

Have a good day everyone!!

Comment by cj

Apparently last night’s episode of the Sopranos was originally intended to be the series finale but David Chase decided to do one more hour.

Comment by BoBo

For someone who never has a funny post you still make me smile.

Comment by Nessa

I have to admit I’ve never seen the Sopranos. We’ll catch up some day on Netflix.

I have to drop whatever I’m doing whenever a Steven Seagall movie is on tv. There’s something about those movies that is so wondrously awful. I would have bought a boxed set of his movies at Costco the other day if Mrs. Diesel hadn’t given me the “are you serious?” look.

Yes, yes, I’m on vacation. Leaving in a few hours. Bye!

Comment by Diesel

Also, has David Caruso always been such a lame actor? ……

The answer is YES; DEFINITELY…however, it took a lame show like CSI Miami to show us the truth.

Comment by Vixen

Bobo: honestly, i think the writing is better this season — but the storylines suck! harder than poor dead Vito did on, well, on the things he sucked on that got his ass killed (and in such a painful and horrifying manner, i hasten to add). you say last night’s was initially intended to be the last episode? all i have to say is this: IT’S A DAMN GOOD THING CHASE DECIDED TO GIVE US A FINAL FINALE. otherwise letters would have been written. my dad’s Italian — he knows people who know people who used to be people. (they aren’t Sons of Italy for nuttin’) 😉 xox

Theresa: the first two seasons of The Sopranos were amazing. then something happened in the third season — got worse in the 4th (something about waiting 2 years for it to start, i think) and went downhill from there. oy. lo rende ammalato, as my dad used to say (actually, he’d say it better, because he wouldn’t have to resort to Babel-Fish to translate “it makes me sick”). xox

Al: HAHAHAHAHAHA! for #5 — well, for all of those answers, but 5 was just flat out funny. even more so, because it’s true. (by The Philadelphia Story, you know i’m talking about the Cary Grant/Katherine Hepburn film, right?) xox

CJ: now that’s an interesting thought. and a good one. maybe Tony will rat out the others — he may as well now that all his guys are dead. i just don’t want to see Phil wind up with the whole manicotti, so to speak. he’s an asshole. oh wait, Tony is, too. yeesh. 🙄 xox

Nessa: the my efforts to write inbetween my dashes to the bathroom have not been in vain. thanks girlfriend, you make me smile, too! 🙂 xox

Diesel: you and my sister. Steven Segall and — dare i admit this — Bruce Willis in any of the Die Hard flicks. actually, i don’t mind admitting i love all those movies — it’s fun to watch the “good” guy beat the crap out of the “bad” guys. i love The Long Kiss Goodnight for the same reason — especially because the “hero” is a woman (doesn’t hurt that Samuel L. Jackson is her side-kick, either). Kill Bill, too. now, step away from the computer, and get going on your trip! xox

Vixen: you’re so RIGHT! and, after looking at your blog, i can see you know what the hell you’re talking about. i think he got away with his “looking away from the person he talks to” thing on NYPD Blues because of camera angles and jump cuts. i mean, that show moved fast (for the most part). bless his little heart. (he played the same character in that movie he did with Meg Ryan and Russell Crowe — i’m thinkin’ that’s when directors realized he had no talent, just a “look”. or a non-look “look”. whatever. he’s pretty bad.) xox

Comment by snuppy

Okay, you’ve got plenty of nothin and nothin’s plenty for me. It’s an ambitious post about nothing I must say.

My favorite part about The Sopranos (because you have to hold onto something) was when one of the thugs4hire called to say the deed was done to their contact who in turn called Paulie, “Does he speak Ukranian to his goomar (sp)?” “F***, do I know” and they consider the matter closed. Oops, apparently not. Besides killing off Syl (I agree cj – terrible), the way Dr. Melfi booted Tony out had to have been one of the worst Shrink break-ups in film history (I can’t recall another to reference, but I’m sure it had to have been handled better).

Hope you’re feeling better, gotta run. But one other question – The Big Bounce? I’ll have to google that. XOX

Comment by Lampsha

Lampsha: i laughed out loud when that happened, too (when the thug asked Paulie if Phil’s goomar spoke Ukranian). by the way, according to the website, the woman (in rollers) coming down those stairs (who got shot) was Phil’s housekeeper. yeah — it was a tragic series of unfortunate events gone terribly terribly wrong! and Dr. Melfi’s dismissal of Tony was un-freaking-believable! mostly because, hello? Mafia-guy? Bad temper?? OY. still, i guess he had it coming. (“Since you’re in a crisis, I don’t want to waste your time”. ouch.) i think that’s Chase’s ultimate message to us all, Tony’s a bad guy, and he has it coming — as do those of us who stuck it out for the past 6 (7?) years. damn them all, anyway. ah well — Big Love starts up next Monday — a show that was surprisingly good last year. hopefully it will continue to be entertaining, this time around.

as for The Big Bounce? heh heh — it’s a bad remake of a bad movie based on an Elmore Leonard novel — you can read about it HERE or a review of it, HERE. still, with Owen Wilson and Morgan Freeman — shot on location in Hawai’i’s North Shore, it does have its moments — no matter what those reviewers (or members of my immediate family) say. 🙄 xox

Comment by snuppy

I proposed a drinking game for CSI – Miami where every time Horatio says “Eric…” – you have to take a drink. I’m guessing you wouldn’t make it to the 2nd half.

Comment by Jeff

Jeff: heh. pretty sure you’d get the same results if you did that every time H said “Frank”, as well. 😉

Comment by snuppy

Toilet paper is very important, and so are those seat covers. TLP–my mother, I mean–gives them to me ever so often, so they must be super important.

I’ve never seen The Sopranos, but that sounds super-important, too. Maybe I’ll read the book, when it comes out.

Happy Monday! It didn’t really suck.

Comment by actonbell

I write a lot about my obsession with toilet paper.
LOVE that photo BTW!!!!!

I watched a few episodes of The Sopranos, and although it was great I just couldn’t get past all
of the cursing and violence. I’m frail like that.

I couldn’t even watch Desperate Housewives because I felt it was too inappropriate for the girls.
A few months ago, after a friend of mine,(who happens to be a guy) kept raving about it, I rented the first season and watched the whole thing in one weekend when the kids went away with their grandparents. Now I have to wait for their next trip away so I can rent the other seasons. :0P

I wish I could write about nothing the way you write about nothing. Your nothings are so much better than my somethings!

Comment by Zoning Out Again

Gee, sorry about your intestinal problems! Amazing you can even write Anything with all that going on.
I’m with you re: the red-headed circus freak. Have you ever watched ‘The Soup’? They make fun of him on a regular basis -hilarious! I have never seen The Sopranos, can you believe it?!

Comment by Claire

Actonbell: heh. good to know about your mom’s, er, penchant for dispensing Toilet seat covers (is there something we should know?) as for The Sopranos? i wouldn’t bother with the book, if i were you, just read The Godfather — it’s a much better story, and has a hell of a lot less cuss words, too! 😉 xox

ZOG: well, season 2 was good, as well, but after that, the show took a real dive (in my opinion). i didn’t know about your passion for TP (not to be confused with Actonbell’s mom, TLP, someone we ALL love and adore). i had a veryvery OCDish roommate a few years ago with a very bizarre — not to mention expensive — obsession with the stuff. or ensuring she only used the least potetially germ-laden amounts, which were only found after unwrapping the first 2/3 of a roll. yeesh. believe it or not, i found that picture after i wrote this post, and thought it was pretty darn funny, as well!
🙂 xox

Claire: honestly, i had NO idea so many other people felt the way i do! i stopped watching The Soup after John Henson stopped hosting it — maybe i should check it out again, eh? oh, and i’m feeling MUCH better, by the way, and i thank you kindly for your concern! 🙂 xox

Comment by snuppy

some people can´t catch a break. *wonders if she should send toilet paper*

CSI is ok, and seriously, you can´t really help it, it is always on, even here.

And snuppy, if one is sick…an excuse for watching movies again and again is perfectly fine. A certain penguin had a detist surgery yesterday and decided it would be ok, to watch pride and Prejudice (teh 6 hour BBC version) for teh second time in two months.
Sometimes it is better not to think about one´s sanity.

feel better soon!

Comment by Penguin

Penguin: heh heh… no need to send toilet paper — all is well in our household (finally!).

you know, the last time i was really sick (actually, i had surgery on my arm, so that doesn’t technically qualify as “sick” so much as stuck in bed) i watched that series, too! can’t imagine a more perfect way to spend the afternoon! that is, unless it’s with company, sipping on tea (or TGSNWM’s) and watching Pride and Prejudice, The Simpsons, and/or Friends! 😉

sorry about your own bit o’ surgery — hope you’re feeling better soon, too!! (now i’m worried. do you need me to send you some tea? coffee? chocolate? more movies????) xox

Comment by snuppy

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