Central Snark

Dear Crummy Concert Fan by Snuppy
Tuesday, 5 June 2007, 8:37am
Filed under: crummy letters, guest who?

crummy joel avatarAIEEEE. Guess who’s not here to do a post for us today? That’s right, DIESEL. Apparently he thought it was more important to take his family on vacation than stay home writing a post for his friends in the Snark. That said, guess who showed up to do a guest post for us, instead? That’s right, the one, the only, the not-so-crummy-but-oh-so-funny, CRUMMY JOEL. Assuming you kids like this — and we’re guessing you will — we’re hoping to convice our clever friend with the tacky church signs to do something similar on a more regular basis. Nothin’ we like more than a great and/or funny post, especially when we don’t have to write it, ourselves. Enjoy. ~ Snuppy

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Dear Woman Standing In Front of Me at Last Night’s Concert,

I realize that a great deal of excitement accompanies seeing a major rock concert. I myself have been anticipating the chance to see Chris Cornell live for many years now. I feel I could have enjoyed the evening more, however, had your public behavior matched the expectations of a modern, civilized society. This letter hopes to address some practices that you might consider abolishing for the next rock concert you attend.

First of all, is it really necessary to document the entire evening’s proceedings on your piece-of-crap camera phone? Don’t the fourteen pictures that you took during “Outshined” closely resemble the seventeen pictures that you took during “Cochise”? It’s not Hamlet. There was no fricking wardrobe change.

And look, it’s not like that 0.1 MegaPixel wonder is taking good pictures. How could it possibly, since you’re just waving it in the air (and, consequently, in my face) while randomly clicking “Capture”? There is absolutely no doubt that you took more pictures of me than you did of Chris Cornell. You want a good picture of Chris Cornell? OK. Here’s one. Here’s another one. Hell, here’s at least 10 pages of pictures of Chris Cornell, every single one of them better than your best effort last night. People will believe you when you tell them you were there. It’s not like you’re telling them you went to the freaking moon. You don’t need proof.

If it’s a matter of needing to remember the evening’s proceedings, I have a suggestion. Before the concert, DON’T bathe in whiskey (or shower in rum, or take a ride down a tequila-soaked Wet Banana, or whatever it is you did pre-concert). You might claim to have done none of the above, but I know for a fact that a stench that profound could not possibly have come just from drinking. Certainly less contact with alcohol will allow you to remember more of the evening (or any of the evening, for that matter) and rely less on 14,000 grainy, blurred pictures.

Speaking of controlled substances: You know, some people are able to smoke without it affecting everyone around them. Then there are people like you, where everyone within a 3o-foot radius smells like they just hitch-hiked through a wildfire in Marlboro Country. You are to be congratulated, because I have never in my life seen one solitary cigarette belch out that much smoke (…and you smoked 53 of them in a 2-hour period in this manner). Together, you and your date caused R.J. Reynolds stock to rise an entire percentage point in one evening.

Ah yes, your date. I realize that perhaps some of last evening’s songs may have had some sentimental value to you and your significant other. (Who hasn’t had a romantic encounter to “Jesus Christ Pose”)? If a young couple wants to take the opportunity during a concert to become cuddly, gropey, and affectionate, then I completely understand. However, when you and your date are only a matter of months from receiving your AARP cards, you simply must keep your hands off of each other in public. It’s like watching my parents make out. I saw no less than 4 pierced-and-dyed teenagers break into uncontrollable sobbing when they saw you and your date entangled during “Like a Stone”. I’m not asking you to act your age, but getting within a decade or four wouldn’t kill anybody.

Perhaps it is now pertinent to mention the flailing, bouncing, and hopping about in which you frequently engaged. You are sure to categorize your actions as “dancing”, but anyone who saw it is sure to dispute that definition. When people are packed in close quarters and you choose to drunkenly flail about like you did, consequences are sure to ensue. One such consequence is that your long hair is likely to end up in places you don’t want it to end up. Don’t worry too much…it was only your hair. It was, however, MY MOUTH.

I am certain that despite the fact that you acted like a shrieking teenager at her first ever NKOTB concert, you are a regular attendee of such shows. Please consider some of the items addressed in this letter next time. I am certain it will make for a more enjoyable experience for everyone.





PS: Humor-blogs.com called, and they asked that you consider a bra next time, as well.

24 Comments so far
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Thank goodness i’m not a fan of Chris Cornell (well, maybe i’m a fan, since i love Soundgarden and Audioslave, and he wrote & played for both those groups, right?) because i most certainly would NOT have enjoyed sitting anywhere near that woman! laughing at your New Kids on the Block reference, too, because omigod they were less than awesome in my book, but had more than their fair share of the fans in their heyday!

thanks for this great post, Crummy Joel — and manymany thanks to Diesel for making sure i got it before he took off on his glamorous vacation (to Michigan?). 😉 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Thanks, Snarkers. Hope everyone enjoys!

Comment by CrummyJoel

Can I sway my lighter in the air?

Haha, that was a good one indeed. May I suggest that any concert goers print this out and hand it to any transgressers in their way at future shows.

Other than the hair in the mouth and the other aggravation – how was Chris Cornell? Very funny post Joel. Would now be a good post to say – you rock?

Comment by Lampsha

I went to a great James Taylor concert last summer, where there was a seat for EVERYONE. Then as soon as he started playing, 4 skanky b*tches stood up in front of me and completely blocked my view for the next hour. I could see if it was a stand-up rock concert where everyone was standing, but these were the only 4 in our section! WTF?

Comment by Jeff

Funny post, Joel. Took me back to an outdoor Jimmy Buffett concert I went to last July.

Humor-blogs is holding on line one, and she sounds pretty pissed.

Comment by al

this post — and Jeff’s comment — reminded me of a funny SNL sketch a few years ago that featured Chevy Chase (he was the host, and the show was in the early 90’s, i’m thinkin’). the premise was that 2 couples went to a Van Morrison concert, and had the very bad fortune to have Crummy Joel’s annoying fan (they didn’t call her that, but clearly that’s who it was) sitting right in front of them. it was — like today’s post — hilarous!

that said, Jeff — James Taylor? really? (sorry, but he kind of gets on my nerves, for reasons that are purely my own, and have nothing to do with his wonderful songs, many of which i like. and not because of anything he did to me, either.) 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Because I always end up next to this woman, I never go to concerts. I would have been in jail. Very funny and real, post.

Comment by Nessa

That was very funny, interesting and oh so true.
Lampshade…there ar eno lighters anymore, people use tehir mobile phones now to generate light to those songs that bring back memories 😉

I went to a Josh groban concert the last time…oh shut it…I was a) invited and b) I actually had fun! There was one above 50-year old…totally drunk in the row infront of me…her 16 year old grand child was embarassed!!! That really says it all! Ohmigod!!!

Comment by Penguin

Oops Penguin, thanks for keeping me up-to-date! Cell phones are much safer anyway (except if say a Crummy Joel bonks you over the head with one in frustration).

Comment by Lampsha

Thanks, everyone.

The concert was actually great. I was wondering how much “old” stuff he would do…and the first 15 songs were all by Soundgarden, Audioslave, or Temple of the Dog. Only then did he start on the solo stuff.

As an aside, his new solo album dropped today…he does a great blues cover of Billie Jean. Yes, THAT Billie Jean.

Comment by CrummyJoel

I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE Chris Cornell!!!! What a GREAT post! It brought me back to a time when I went through a brief phase after I turned 33. I started attending some pretty heavy rock concerts with friends and boy what a mix of characters you get at those! I went to a Rob Zombie concert and mind you at 4’11” I could really hold my ground and always managed to get up to the very front of the mosh pits so I was right there front and center.

Well, that particular concert I had to be pulled out by security with a few other concert go’ers because the crowd was pushing forward so hard that I literally had my airway cut off.
I thought, geez that was really stupid of me, getting in there with this rowdy bunch at my age, and just then this 75-80 year-old man came bouncing out of the crowd, dressed in leather biker clothes talking about “wow, if you’re gonna die, that’d be the best place to do it!”. He wasn’t a real biker. He actually looked like someone’s grandfather all dressed up for a costume party. It was an odd site.
Anyhow,that phase came and went with that last concert.
Thanks for painting the picture of that woman and her date. “(or shower in rum, or take a ride down a tequila-soaked Wet Banana…”) Tee Hee!
You’re a great stand in for diesel! Come back and post more!

Comment by Zoning Out Again

Heh. JT (who you like) gets on your nerves – but for no reason. Got it. 😉

Comment by Jeff

Jeff: okay, so here’s the reason (and it’s a stupid one, at that)…

many years ago, my sister and i spent a month visiting a friend in Hawai’i. this friend — whom i shall call Julie, since that’s her name — was working as a cocktail waitress at a very popular lounge in Waikiki, which had a live band. fast forward to the part where i was, at the time, a fledgling “singer”. my friend convinced me to get up and perform with this band one night (after one mai-tai too many) and, unfortunately, the only song i knew that they knew was “You’ve Got a Friend”. at least they said they knew it, but when we started to jam, they clearly did not. needless to say i was mortified. ultimately, i wound up doing a James Taylor-esque version of Hukilau, which was actually pretty funny — mostly because i didn’t know the words. so everytime i think of JT, i remember that night/my embarrassment, and, well, that’s why his music gets on my nerves. the end.

Comment by snuppy

“where everyone within a 3o-foot radius smells like they just hitch-hiked through a wildfire in Marlboro Country”

my vote for funniest line of the entry. Great stuff Crummy Joel 🙂

Comment by Chris C.

Ok, I just had to stop by and give you kudos on this post. You’re way funnier than any lousy post I’d have thrown together at the last minute. Seriously, I loved this post. Do more!

I saw Audioslave a year or so ago and they were awesome. Gotta love being able to hear songs by Audioslave, Soundgarden and Rage against the Machine all in one concert. Definitely going to have to buy that solo CD.


Comment by Diesel

I just got here after trying to catch up on all the blogs I missed while my computer was down. That woman sounds familiar, I’m sure she’s been around here too, and she left behind a lot of her close family…You know, the ones who block the sidewalk and the aisles in the supermarket, and blow smoke over to your table while you’re out having a beer. So, did you actually get to see any of the concert with all the hair, smoke and camera-waving?

Comment by Theresa

Shhhhh, Theresa. You’ll give away the content of my next letter to Crummy Person “x”.

Thanks, Diesel. I knew if I didn’t come strong, I could by lynched for trying to take your place.

Thanks Chris…I just found your site this week and I love it.

Zoning: I can be thankful that this concert didn’t have any biker grandpas.

Comment by CrummyJoel

thanks Joel! Greatly appreciate the compliments.

You should make this ‘letters to crummy person x’ a regular feature somewhere. So much potential and material to draw from, and very original. 🙂

Comment by Chris C.

[…] Dear Woman Standing In Front of Me at Last Night’s Concert […]

Pingback by Captive Thoughts » Dear Concert Fan

Oh, sorry. That was me! ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!!!

Comment by Ev Nucci

Ev: what (or should i say “who”) was you? heh heh… inquiring minds want to know! 😉

Comment by snuppy

[…] I have had my issues with concert-goers before. In the past, my issues have been with people’s actions during a concert. Thankfully, I wasn’t anywhere near you during this particular show. I do feel the need to address your inane comments following the performance, however. […]

Pingback by Dear Crummy Rock Snob « Central Snark

OK!!!! this is the reason I don’t go to rock concerts…..no not because of any of the things you wrote so elequently about…..because apparantly I am too old…..*gasp!!!*
Never mind to me all the female rockers sound like Bjork and all male rockers sound like Sting, right Lamp Lady? 😉 …so it was not be and HeineKen…I am just setting the record straight.

Truly Crummy Rock Snob, you had me laughing and rolling in the isle…..NO!!! not that isle 😉

Comment by Mo'a is back in her Pretty Kitten Heels

[…] don’t go to many concerts, but oh, how many times I’ve wanted to write a variant of this brilliant letter upon leaving the movie theater. My particular curse is not the annoying music fan, but the Guy Who […]

Pingback by Darth Vader is Luke’s father (spoiler alert!) « The Staging Point

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