Filed under: crummy letters
WE know you thought — as did we — that our good old buddy, DIESEL, would be back by now. Well you — like us — thought wrong. Darn that Diesel anyway, making us wait for another few days before showing his happy-yet-scraggly face over here. Wait, did we say “darn that Diesel”? Heh heh. We meant to say “whee!”, because his absence gives us a chance to feature another crummy-yet-funny letter by our funny and not-at-all-crummy friend, CRUMMYJOEL. Woo and hoo. Not to mention HAHAHA, because, trust us, this post is hilarious.
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Dear Person Whom I’ve Somehow Managed To Follow Throughout This Entire Grocery Store:
Admittedly, first impressions are everything. We probably got off on the wrong foot when you came tearing through the parking lot at Mach 4 (in the wrong direction for the lane you were in, no less) and stole the parking spot that I was about to pull into. That’s OK, though, because given your size you had a far greater need for a close spot than I did. So, given as far away as I had to end up parking, I figured you would have been done shopping by the time I entered the grocery store.
Imagine my surprise when we encountered each other in the deli. Quick question: How much sliced meat can you possibly need? You do realize you only drove a Hummer to the store and not, in fact, a 747? Are you in charge of concessions for a major sporting event? And by “major sporting event”, I mean “Wimbledon”? All 2 weeks’ worth? The poor deli worker had carpal-tunnel syndrome from working the slicer by the time my turn arrived.
After finally obtaining my measly quarter-pound of processed meat, we next met at the peanut butter. Which, by the way, I didn’t even want, but given your need for enough food to feed the proverbial army, your 6 shopping carts were in my way and I couldn’t get around you. Here’s a hint: Despite the manufacturers’ claims to the contrary, there are only two kinds of peanut butter: Smooth or Chunky. Don’t let the appearance of 16 dozen different options fool you. Smooth or Chunky. That’s it. (That crazy third kind that needs to be refrigerated doesn’t count). Pick one out and move on (which, incidentally, is developing into our theme).
So, after I managed to reverse my cart and use the next aisle over to get around your traffic “jam” (har), we next met in produce. I should actually thank you, because you gave me an alibi if I ever need one. Should I decide to commit a crime all I need to do is involve one of these pears, because before I got to them I saw you put your fingerprints all over every last one of these damn things. Were you looking for a certain pear? Did your cousin in Peru call you, exclaiming, “You have GOT to see this pear we just grew! We’re sending it to a store in your hometown! I’ll mark it with an “X”!” For the love of Chiquita, they’re pears. Pick the green ones and get out of the way.
Finally, we arrived in the checkout line. When I say “we”, I mean “you”, because I was actually in the back of the store behind your armada of shopping carts. Yes, I also said “line”. Singular. The only one that was open. Which was too bad, because given that fact I finally ended up paying for my groceries the following Thursday.
Once in line, you must realize that every single trash magazine has the same content: Jen’s new man, Angelina’s new baby, Britney’s new meltdown, and Paris’ new crotch shot. That’s it. Pick one out and pay, already. Yes, “pay.” Did this fact sneak up on you? Did you think you could sneak your 17 tons of food out the door without anyone noticing? Why wait until the cashier is done scanning and the bagger is done bagging before you start diving into your purse for your wallet? And who the hell pays with personal checks anymore?!? Swipe a card and get out of the way! If you absolutely must write a check, is there really any need to break out an effing calligraphy pen? How long can you possibly make this take? You’re making it out to “KROGER”: 6 letters! That’s all!
In conclusion, I realize that you will not likely have to grocery shop ever again given the amount of food that you purchased on this trip. If you do, however, please consider some of the items mentioned above. It will make for a more pleasurable experience for your fellow shoppers.
Humor-blogs.com thanks you for leaving all your shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot when you were done unloading them. Much obliged.
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