Central Snark


Dear Crummy Grocery Shopper by Snuppy
Tuesday, 12 June 2007, 8:19am
Filed under: crummy letters

crummy joel's avatarWE know you thought — as did we — that our good old buddy, DIESEL, would be back by now. Well you — like us — thought wrong. Darn that Diesel anyway, making us wait for another few days before showing his happy-yet-scraggly face over here. Wait, did we say “darn that Diesel”? Heh heh. We meant to say “whee!”, because his absence gives us a chance to feature another crummy-yet-funny letter by our funny and not-at-all-crummy friend, CRUMMYJOEL. Woo and hoo. Not to mention HAHAHA, because, trust us, this post is hilarious.

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Dear Person Whom I’ve Somehow Managed To Follow Throughout This Entire Grocery Store:

Admittedly, first impressions are everything. We probably got off on the wrong foot when you came tearing through the parking lot at Mach 4 (in the wrong direction for the lane you were in, no less) and stole the parking spot that I was about to pull into. That’s OK, though, because given your size you had a far greater need for a close spot than I did. So, given as far away as I had to end up parking, I figured you would have been done shopping by the time I entered the grocery store.

Imagine my surprise when we encountered each other in the deli. Quick question: How much sliced meat can you possibly need? You do realize you only drove a Hummer to the store and not, in fact, a 747? Are you in charge of concessions for a major sporting event? And by “major sporting event”, I mean “Wimbledon”? All 2 weeks’ worth? The poor deli worker had carpal-tunnel syndrome from working the slicer by the time my turn arrived.

After finally obtaining my measly quarter-pound of processed meat, we next met at the peanut butter. Which, by the way, I didn’t even want, but given your need for enough food to feed the proverbial army, your 6 shopping carts were in my way and I couldn’t get around you. Here’s a hint: Despite the manufacturers’ claims to the contrary, there are only two kinds of peanut butter: Smooth or Chunky. Don’t let the appearance of 16 dozen different options fool you. Smooth or Chunky. That’s it. (That crazy third kind that needs to be refrigerated doesn’t count). Pick one out and move on (which, incidentally, is developing into our theme).

So, after I managed to reverse my cart and use the next aisle over to get around your traffic “jam” (har), we next met in produce. I should actually thank you, because you gave me an alibi if I ever need one. Should I decide to commit a crime all I need to do is involve one of these pears, because before I got to them I saw you put your fingerprints all over every last one of these damn things. Were you looking for a certain pear? Did your cousin in Peru call you, exclaiming, “You have GOT to see this pear we just grew! We’re sending it to a store in your hometown! I’ll mark it with an “X”!” For the love of Chiquita, they’re pears. Pick the green ones and get out of the way.

Finally, we arrived in the checkout line. When I say “we”, I mean “you”, because I was actually in the back of the store behind your armada of shopping carts. Yes, I also said “line”. Singular. The only one that was open. Which was too bad, because given that fact I finally ended up paying for my groceries the following Thursday.

Once in line, you must realize that every single trash magazine has the same content: Jen’s new man, Angelina’s new baby, Britney’s new meltdown, and Paris’ new crotch shot. That’s it. Pick one out and pay, already. Yes, “pay.” Did this fact sneak up on you? Did you think you could sneak your 17 tons of food out the door without anyone noticing? Why wait until the cashier is done scanning and the bagger is done bagging before you start diving into your purse for your wallet? And who the hell pays with personal checks anymore?!? Swipe a card and get out of the way! If you absolutely must write a check, is there really any need to break out an effing calligraphy pen? How long can you possibly make this take? You’re making it out to “KROGER”: 6 letters! That’s all!

In conclusion, I realize that you will not likely have to grocery shop ever again given the amount of food that you purchased on this trip. If you do, however, please consider some of the items mentioned above. It will make for a more pleasurable experience for your fellow shoppers.

Sincerely,

~ CrummyJoel

Humor-blogs.com thanks you for leaving all your shopping carts in the middle of the parking lot when you were done unloading them. Much obliged.

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19 Comments so far
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once again, CrummyJoel, you manage to capture the frustration of being around “that crummy person” to a, er, “C”. i know this shopper of whom you speak. i wound up — much to my dismay — BEHIND her on the way in to Whole Foods last year. from the point i entered the store, and was treated to her cart bumped up against my as — that’s right, i said up against my ass, because the bitch was trying to “push” me through the doorway, despite the fact there were people ahead of me — to the moment she maneuvered her cart in front of me, in order to check out 3 nanoseconds faster, i was annoyed. no, wait, i wasn’t just annoyed, i was totally pissed.

i’m thinkin’ i’ll print up your letter and have a copy on hand, in case i run into that idiot again.

this was hilarious — and i’m SO GLAD (and grateful) you came back with another letter this week. dare i “announce” you’ll definitely be doing this on a regular basis from now on? (“regular” being as often as suits your needs and/or inclinations) maybe i should — that way these can start appearing without my crummy little introductions! 🙂

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Merci, OHP. Yeah, I can do these on some sort of semi-regular basis.

You’ve just got to quit substituting me for Diesel. It doesn’t matter how funny I am, people are gonna end up disappointed! 🙂

Comment by CrummyJoel

Why does this sound so familiar? Could it be that there is *one* shopper that goes to every grocery store in the known universe? Sorta like the mythical beings like the Bunny, or The Clause or the Fairy?

Nah!!!!! That would be too easy. People are just morons.

Comment by Brian

CrummyJoel: you keep ’em comin’ and we’ll keep ’em, uh, posted! i wouldn’t worry about “filling in” for Diesel, if i were you — trust me, you kicked traffic ass last week! our stats were awesome, thanks, in no small part, to your contribution! 🙂

Brian: “The Mythical/Moronical Shopper”. i like it! 😉

Comment by snuppy

Another hilarious entry (and exit), Joel. I’ll be back home tomorrow, so maybe I can dredge something up for next week. I don’t think anyone (including me) would mind if you took over my spot though. Well, except for Snuppy, who will squeeze all the funny she can out of both of us.

Comment by Diesel

Diesel: that’s right, bub, and don’t you forget it. i’m a regular bloggy leech, i am, and proud of it. 🙄

Comment by snuppy

Joel, I love these crummy posts – they have a funniness to them each in their own right. I am just imagining a murder scene coverup with the pawed over pears left behind.

Brilliant!

Comment by Lampsha

Excellent “crummy” post Joel.

Comment by BoBo

Oh, you can stand in for Diesel anytime. Funny comes in many forms, crummyjoel, just remember that.
I think we can all relate to ranting about the “it’s all about me shopper” who has decided that the rest of us must wait until they figure out what they want after the head in ass removal of course. Ugh! Firehose anyone? People can really piss me off. Maybe I need to move into an isolated cabin in the Montana wildernes…

Comment by Claire

That was one of the best posts I have read this months. two brilliant sentences that made me laugh so hard, I swear a little pee came out:

“amada of shopping cards”
” For teh love of Chiquita, it´s pear!”

Just brilliant, thank you for that.

snuppy, you squeeze him for more and don´t let Diesel think for a second that he can just leave!

Loved this…oh, and sorry I am late…hope I am not pregnant 😉

Comment by Penguin

Lampsha: funny guy, that Crummy Joel, eh?? 🙂 xox

Bobo: as opposed to my usual crummy crummy posts. sigh 😉 xox

Claire: i’m pretty sure Diesel would agree with you, as do i! (we have Diesel to thank for dragging poor Crummy Joel over here, in the first place!) as for Montana? i’ve been there (back in my “singing” days) — trust me, the “shopping assholes” are there, too. oy. 🙂 xox

Penguin: totally agree — Crummy Joel had some hilarious lines in this post! now… what’s this about being “late”??? 🙄 xox

Comment by snuppy

it´s a joke, snuppy. Put.the.knitting.needles.down!

I came late to one lecture once at university and the teacher looked at me and said: “You are late!” adn without thinking I replied: “Yeah I know, I hope I am not pregnant!” and the entire class roared, while I took my seat 🙂

The professor and I know each otehr veyr well and we knew each of us could take the public humiliation :)Good times!

Comment by Penguin

whew! *tucks knitting needles AND yarn back in bag* not that i was worried, mind you, but still…

loveloveLOVE that story! and i can absolutely picture you having such an exchange with your teacher in front of the entire class. that, my dear friend, is hilarious! 🙂 xox

Comment by snuppy

Thanks everyone. Glad you all enjoyed it!

Comment by CrummyJoel

Do people with Hummer’s do their own shopping?

Comment by Nessa

Nessa…
Come visit Tennessee sometime. If not brand name Hummers, monster SUV’s at least as big are the vehicle of choice for a LOT of families.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Loved it! I meet up with that woman’s Spanish cousin every time I go shopping too. The only difference is that she brings her husband, who calls her from the other end of the supermarket on his cell phone because he’s lost her. She also brings her children who climb on everything and run down the isles at breakneck speed, and of course her mother. Then they meet up with some friends who are also shopping with kids, mother, mother-in-law, etc. and they stop to chat for like, two hours, obliging everyone to squeeze around them, risking breaking their ribs due to the limited space. They also don’t seem to hear when someone politely asks them to move over a bit, and continue on, engrossed in their oh-so-facinating conversation about so-and-so’s kid, who is dating a long-haired, tatooed motorbike freak, or about how the dog threw up on the carpet and it turns out that it’s anorexic. The only thing that keeps them from bringing the dog along to do the shopping is the little sign outside that says “no dogs”, otherwise the place would be crawling with them.

Comment by Theresa

Oops, I meant aisles, not isles, my “a” got lost somewhere in the middle of all that chaos 🙂

Comment by Theresa

LOL. This post just made my day. And to think you wrote it two days ago…I could have had my day made on Tuesday! Oh well. That was written WAY too well. I laughed the hardest when you wrote she paid with check. LOL. We have ALL been behind “that” person.

Comment by Charlottalove




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