Central Snark


No Diesel? by Snuppy
Tuesday, 19 June 2007, 9:00am
Filed under: funny...

sifting through the archivesDAMN. Just when we thought we were getting out of having to write on a more frequent basis, someone — whose name shall remain DIESEL — goes on vacation… comes home… writes a couple of hilarious posts of his own… but, because he’s “drained” after all his “stressful activities” (yeah, like flying 2,000 miles with 2 young kids is so hard), he decides he’s not quite ready to resume his Snarky duties. What’s a blog, dependent on a such a clever-yet-witty writer to do? Sift through a few of his old posts, in hopes of triggering an idea that might, in turn, lead to a string of words, that can be pieced together into something that resembles a sparkling fresh new post! Unfortunately that didn’t happen.

TRUTH be told, it was fun looking back through the “Diesel Archives“, as they’ve come to be known just now. We laughed, we cried, we spewed coffee and/or tea. Good times. We were also fascinated by how many folks out there linked back to a specific post Diesel wrote just before he made like a cow pie and hit the trail. We adore that guy, too, but wonder if some of you are going a bit overboard with all your linky love. Still, it would be stupid of us to ignore a topic that clearly resonated with so many. So, in order to understand it better, we’ve taken the liberty to pick it apart, in hopes of figuring out how to be as clever as our good friend was (and is) in the future. Because we’re nothing, if not lazy, we’ve tried to re-create the post from memory stored deep within the bowels of our fragile little minds — because it would take up too much of our valuable time to actually look it up in the aforementioned archives. That said, bear with us if we get a few facts wrong.

Signs You Are Spending Too Much Time Jogging

1. You think to yourself, “Am I spending too much time Jogging?” And then you blog about it. Yeah, we can see where that might be a problem. After all, how many times can we talk about the hill we have to walk up because we’re too tired and/or old to do anything else? And does anyone want to read about that time we almost had an “accident” 2 miles into our run, because we went out after drinking 3 cups of coffee, and didn’t have the good sense to go to the bathroom before leaving the house?

2. Your wife’s lawyer serves you with divorce papers by leaving a comment on your blog. Well, we don’t have a wife — but we suppose she might want to divorce us if we did all that running she’s been accusing us of. On the other hand, what a bitch! Who the hell does she think she is, anyway? She’s not the boss of us, and that’s what we’re gonna tell her, as soon as we get back from our next 10K.

3. Your mom finds out your son broke his arm while jogging with you. Our son is clumsy, and our mom knows this. But then, so is she — seriously, falling down twice over the course of 7 months? If we didn’t know better, we’d think that second fall was a ploy to get more Vicodin. We’re thinkin’ it’s time for Mom to hang up her Nikes and stick to something less stressful on the joints, like rock climbing and/or tennis.

4. You find yourself thinking, “I can’t wait to go jogging” and you’re flossing. Nothing says “I love to exercise” like clean teeth.

5. You sometimes have nightmares about stretching in front of a large group of people wearing last year’s Adidas. Oh yeah, and you’re naked. Who hasn’t had that dream? Only in ours, we’re 7 months pregnant, our breasts are the size of two large cantaloupes, and every step involves a hit in the chin by one of our bouncy boobs.

6. You start a caption contest so you don’t have to spend as much time writing. Let’s face it, it’s hard to stay inside when the weather turns nice. Being outdoors is nothing, if not inspiring. Truth be told, we come up with some of our best stuff and/or hilarious captions while on a run. Of course, nothing pisses us off more than submitting a bunch of the aforementioned hilarious captions and then NOT winning the whole shebang, but that’s beside the point. The point, which came to us recently, in a dream about old Adidas, naked stretching, and bouncy boobs, is that sometimes we run so we can write.

7. You’ve stopped using the terms “jogger friends” and “real-life friends” because you no longer have any of the latter. We no longer have any of the former, either — especially now that our sister is in San Diego. Of course, that’s, like, the World’s Greatest Place to go running, so shut up.

8. While skimming alongside a particularly long fence post you find yourself thinking, “Splinters!” and then you remember you brought along tweezers, because “shit happens”. Something you learned the hard way. Then you start thinking about that character on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wonder how those guys are doing. Yeah, what’s up with that?

9. You can only keep track of which day it is by which blog you’re guest-posting at. Wait. Is it just us, or does this one make no sense?

10. You’re putting off going to bed with your pretty blond wife so that you can think of a way to improve your time on your next 10K. Well there’s that wife we don’t have, again. In our bed, no less! What a slut. Hmm… apparently that divorce-threat was just a coquettish ploy to get us between the sheets. Since we don’t swing that way, we’ll have to pass. But not before asking her why our jogging is such a problem. Doesn’t she appreciate our well-toned calves? Stupid bitch. Maybe we should serve her with divorce papers. Wonder if she has a blog?

WELL, that’s it. Pretty straight forward, but hardly the stuff of Pulitzers. Especially #9, which is, needless to say, just bizarre. What does “guest posting” have to do with jogging? Beats the hell out of us, but then, so did 4,312 people in the last half-marathon we ran — which was down in San Diego, back in 1985.

PS: Were we the only ones shocked by Diesel’s passion for jogging? We know he keeps in shape, but we had no idea he was such a fan.. what’s that? Not jogging? Blogging?? Oh. Heh heh. Never mind.

~snuppy

No one ever runs out of funny things to write about on Humor-blogs.com.

Advertisements

13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Roses are Red,
Violets are Blue,
Diesel didn’t feel like doing a post,
Neither did I.

but i had to.

last week, when i first started this thing, it was hilarious (at least it was in my head) — i figured i’d have a bit more time to “tweak” it, but, thanks to an e-mail from Diesel waiting for me this morning, with the words “I Suck” in the subject line, he, um, sucks. and, because of his “suckery”, he was unable to do a post for today. aieeeee!

after reading this post, i think we can all agree, he’s not the only one. 🙄 xox

speaking of “running”, today’s another of those “Very Serious Family Issue” days, which means i’ve gotta scram.

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Here I am with a real cup of coffee and it very nearly did come out my nose while reading this. Luckly, I reacted quickly and swallowed before the spasms of laughter completely overwhelmed me. by the time I got to number 5 I was just about to have one of those “accidents” mentioned in number 1. I will have to punish Diesel for doing this to you by not putting anymore links to him on my blog. Now I’ll be jogging on out…to my garden, to trim the hedge (now that is boring).

Comment by Theresa

theresa: aw… thanks girlfriend! apparently YOU’RE the only one willing to read my drivel today. brave lady — must be something in that rain you have to contend with over there! 😉

by all means punish Diesel. but not too badly, we do, after all, want him to get back to his “regularly scheduled blogging” at some point in time. hell, i wouldn’t even mind a “surprise” post on Thursday. but i won’t hold my breath — that said, where’s Crummy Joel when we need him?? hmmm… i’m feeling another “letter” of my own coming on. xox

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT TEH PENGUIN WILL BE HERE TOMORROW. (you WILL be here tomorrow, won’t you beautiful Penguin? oh please oh please oh puh-leeeeeeeese???) 🙂

Comment by snuppy

yay, Theresa! congrats on being a caption contest finalist this week! and yay to me, too! woohoo!

yeesh, i hope that post i did yesterday doesn’t effect my chances to win. 🙄

Comment by snuppy

Diesel jogs too? Maybe you two could run together on separate coasts. Maybe we could have a Central Snarkathon! Maybe I should go for a walk at least myself. After I go check the caption finalists and actually tend to some things that I seem to be putting off hanging out in blogs…

XOX

Comment by Lampsha

I’m confused.

Comment by Nessa

Diesel is such a slacker! Good thing you’re quick on your fingertips. Good luck with your Very Serious Family Issue. I get those too sometimes. Can’t these people understand that I am a very busy person here for cryin’ out loud. Oh, right -I’m the mother, it’s always All My Fault.

Comment by claire

Lampsha: he jogs, he blogs… heck, based on our first “meeting” (poor Princess James, may she rest in one piece) he probably clogs. let’s face it, that guy can do it all! a Snarkathon sounds like a damn fine idea to me! i say we plan a short course that includes at least one Starbucks along the way. 🙂 xox

Nessa: as you can see, so am i. 😉 xox

Claire: aw, thanks. yeah, next week i plan to focus on my other, Less Important Family, but this week the VIF’s have the floor. not to mention every last second of my time. it is your fault. and mine. 🙄 xox

Comment by snuppy

LOL! Great post!
San Diego, yes. So is Fort Lauderdale–a good place to run, that is. Ah, in December…

Comment by actonbell

Actonbell: if anyone appreciated this silliness, i thought (and hoped) it would be YOU! i’m guessing you’ve “been there/done most of that”, too. and then some.

Fort Lauderdale IS a nice place to run — but ONLY in December. trust me, i know, we lived down there for a few years, back in the 80’s early 90’s. in the summer months, we used to have to get up before the sun in order avoid over-heating (Richmond was like that, too). i’m not a fan of running (or walking, which is what i seem to do more and more of, these days) in extreme heat. when i first started, i lived in Central California, where the temps can get over 100 degrees in the summer, every stinkin’ day! aieeee! sometimes i wonder if my need to run 3-6 miles a day throughout both pregnancies had anything to do with my sons’ ADD. d’oh! 🙂 xox

Comment by snuppy

Well, soemtimes we don´t have time to read your amazing drivel…but we always get here in the end. That being said, it took me two sections to start believing you were talking about jogging and not blogging… because I remember that hillarious post too.
Adding your own wit and sense of humor to it, I am glad I read it alte at night without a beverage in my hand or mouth 🙂

Comment by Penguin

and …er..also…you did win one caption contest, where I believe youw ere up against a certain penguin. That , my sweet, was my only nomination, while somebody else *points fingers* has been nominated repeatedly…

which should tell you: you don´t drivel…you are funny!

xox

Comment by Penguin

Penguin: *blushes* you’re SO good for my fragile ego. as for that caption contest? eh, i just got lucky. NEXT time we’re up against each other (if i’m fortunate enough to be “nominated” again) i promise we’ll pimp the heck out of yours, in order to ensure a BIG WIN!

thank you for tossing me those lovely comment bones. i feel better now! 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy




Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s



%d bloggers like this: