Filed under: funny...
DAMN. Just when we thought we were getting out of having to write on a more frequent basis, someone — whose name shall remain DIESEL — goes on vacation… comes home… writes a couple of hilarious posts of his own… but, because he’s “drained” after all his “stressful activities” (yeah, like flying 2,000 miles with 2 young kids is so hard), he decides he’s not quite ready to resume his Snarky duties. What’s a blog, dependent on a such a clever-yet-witty writer to do? Sift through a few of his old posts, in hopes of triggering an idea that might, in turn, lead to a string of words, that can be pieced together into something that resembles a sparkling fresh new post! Unfortunately that didn’t happen.
TRUTH be told, it was fun looking back through the “Diesel Archives“, as they’ve come to be known just now. We laughed, we cried, we spewed coffee and/or tea. Good times. We were also fascinated by how many folks out there linked back to a specific post Diesel wrote just before he made like a cow pie and hit the trail. We adore that guy, too, but wonder if some of you are going a bit overboard with all your linky love. Still, it would be stupid of us to ignore a topic that clearly resonated with so many. So, in order to understand it better, we’ve taken the liberty to pick it apart, in hopes of figuring out how to be as clever as our good friend was (and is) in the future. Because we’re nothing, if not lazy, we’ve tried to re-create the post from memory stored deep within the bowels of our fragile little minds — because it would take up too much of our valuable time to actually look it up in the aforementioned archives. That said, bear with us if we get a few facts wrong.
Signs You Are Spending Too Much Time Jogging
1. You think to yourself, “Am I spending too much time Jogging?” And then you blog about it. Yeah, we can see where that might be a problem. After all, how many times can we talk about the hill we have to walk up because we’re too tired and/or old to do anything else? And does anyone want to read about that time we almost had an “accident” 2 miles into our run, because we went out after drinking 3 cups of coffee, and didn’t have the good sense to go to the bathroom before leaving the house?
2. Your wife’s lawyer serves you with divorce papers by leaving a comment on your blog. Well, we don’t have a wife — but we suppose she might want to divorce us if we did all that running she’s been accusing us of. On the other hand, what a bitch! Who the hell does she think she is, anyway? She’s not the boss of us, and that’s what we’re gonna tell her, as soon as we get back from our next 10K.
3. Your mom finds out your son broke his arm while jogging with you. Our son is clumsy, and our mom knows this. But then, so is she — seriously, falling down twice over the course of 7 months? If we didn’t know better, we’d think that second fall was a ploy to get more Vicodin. We’re thinkin’ it’s time for Mom to hang up her Nikes and stick to something less stressful on the joints, like rock climbing and/or tennis.
4. You find yourself thinking, “I can’t wait to go jogging” and you’re flossing. Nothing says “I love to exercise” like clean teeth.
5. You sometimes have nightmares about stretching in front of a large group of people wearing last year’s Adidas. Oh yeah, and you’re naked. Who hasn’t had that dream? Only in ours, we’re 7 months pregnant, our breasts are the size of two large cantaloupes, and every step involves a hit in the chin by one of our bouncy boobs.
6. You start a caption contest so you don’t have to spend as much time writing. Let’s face it, it’s hard to stay inside when the weather turns nice. Being outdoors is nothing, if not inspiring. Truth be told, we come up with some of our best stuff and/or hilarious captions while on a run. Of course, nothing pisses us off more than submitting a bunch of the aforementioned hilarious captions and then NOT winning the whole shebang, but that’s beside the point. The point, which came to us recently, in a dream about old Adidas, naked stretching, and bouncy boobs, is that sometimes we run so we can write.
7. You’ve stopped using the terms “jogger friends” and “real-life friends” because you no longer have any of the latter. We no longer have any of the former, either — especially now that our sister is in San Diego. Of course, that’s, like, the World’s Greatest Place to go running, so shut up.
8. While skimming alongside a particularly long fence post you find yourself thinking, “Splinters!” and then you remember you brought along tweezers, because “shit happens”. Something you learned the hard way. Then you start thinking about that character on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wonder how those guys are doing. Yeah, what’s up with that?
9. You can only keep track of which day it is by which blog you’re guest-posting at. Wait. Is it just us, or does this one make no sense?
10. You’re putting off going to bed with your pretty blond wife so that you can think of a way to improve your time on your next 10K. Well there’s that wife we don’t have, again. In our bed, no less! What a slut. Hmm… apparently that divorce-threat was just a coquettish ploy to get us between the sheets. Since we don’t swing that way, we’ll have to pass. But not before asking her why our jogging is such a problem. Doesn’t she appreciate our well-toned calves? Stupid bitch. Maybe we should serve her with divorce papers. Wonder if she has a blog?
WELL, that’s it. Pretty straight forward, but hardly the stuff of Pulitzers. Especially #9, which is, needless to say, just bizarre. What does “guest posting” have to do with jogging? Beats the hell out of us, but then, so did 4,312 people in the last half-marathon we ran — which was down in San Diego, back in 1985.
PS: Were we the only ones shocked by Diesel’s passion for jogging? We know he keeps in shape, but we had no idea he was such a fan.. what’s that? Not jogging? Blogging?? Oh. Heh heh. Never mind.
No one ever runs out of funny things to write about on Humor-blogs.com.
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