Central Snark

Goll-eeee by Snuppy
Friday, 22 June 2007, 7:18am
Filed under: cracks us up, Sex, Ed?

big period?THERE’S no reason to ever expose you to a post like this. Period. And yet, here we are, doing just that. Oh well, blame it on a chaotic week. Or the fact that, at the moment, our levels of energy and/or creativity are lower than usual. Or — and more to the point — blame it on the fact that today’s post is supposed to have something to do with Sex Education and we had the need to give an equal amount of time to the topic of “growing girls” everywhere, after last week’s look at, ahem, growing boys. Whatever it is, that’s why you’re reading all these words, even though we have no intention of reading any of ’em, ourselves. And if that doesn’t make sense, so what? Do we look like we care? Who the hell do you think we are, anyway? Your lousy 7th grade Science teacher, Mrs. Anderson? Jeez, are we really that lame? Or are you under the impression we’re here to amuse you? To cater to your every whim? Seriously, what in the wide wide world of sports do you want from us? Blood?

OOPS. We didn’t mean to get so carried away there, we’re just a little on edge. No, not because it’s “that time” of the month. Yeesh. We’re just tired. And cranky. Not to mention headachy. We have cramps, too, but, trust us, it’s not what you think — unless you’re thinkin’ we ate too many beans for dinner last night, in which case, it is what you think — but that’s beside the point. The point, which is as big as the giant period that looks like a bubble being held by a naked lady in the upper left hand corner, is that we enjoy being a girl, but sometimes it’s hard, so shut up.

MEET Molly… an incredibly naive-yet-stupid young girl who’s about to discover that “men-stroo-ating” has nothing to do with a bunch of guys tossing around a deck of cards while playing a frenzied game of Crazy 8’s, and everything to do with the end of her heretofore uncomplicated life.

COUPLE of quick questions: why did Molly’s mom leave her gloves at the nurse’s house last night? Is there something they’re not telling us? Also, speaking of “weird relationships”, is it just us, or does Molly seem a bit obsessed with her sister, Jeanie — who looks old enough, by the way, to be her quirky spinster aunt, Gert? Speaking of “old”, how ’bout that dad? Is it just us, or did he look a bit past his prime? Speaking of “Dad”, how ’bout that look he gave Molly when he realized she was no longer a “child”? Speaking of Molly — who’s-not-a-child — she says she can’t go out with her friend because she’s got the “curse”? Wha-a-a? And speaking of “the curse”, did Molly really ask that nurse (and/or Mom’s secret “friend”) if she’ll always have hers on Tuesdays? Poor Molly. So young. So stupid. So destined to get knocked up by some horndog named “Chip” before she graduates from high school.

DON’T mind us, we’re not trying to be difficult, it’s just that our heads are exploding with all the Useful Information we just learned from this Enlightening Educational Film for Morons made in 1953. Not to mention those Not-So-Useful Yet Burning Questions related to all things “Molly” that keep racing through our fragile little brains. We told you we had a headache, now you know why.


By the way, and speaking of “Tuesday’s”, don’t think we weren’t a tad pissed off at DIESEL for leaving us high and dry 3 days ago. That said, and speaking of Diesel, don’t think we weren’t incredibly grateful for his timely — and hilarious — “save” yesterday, as well as TEH PENGUIN’S lovely — and wonderful — post the day before. Speaking of “timely, lovely, wonderful and/or hilarity”, don’t think we aren’t looking forward to another wonderful Saturday Spin tomorrow, assuming our NBFF, the lovely — and brilliant — DJ LAMPSHA, has enough time to do one before heading out for — what promises to be — an afternoon filled with good friends, good food, and, oh yes, lots of laughter. Golly, we don’t know about you, but we can’t wait.*

For a good time, read Humor-blogs.com. Exclamation point.


13 Comments so far
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1. please accept my apology for the lengthiness of this video. were it not completely hilarious, i wouldn’t have bothered putting it up there, at all.

*2. please accept my apology for rubbing your faces in the fact that some of us will be hanging out with a few of our “close personal blogging friends” in NYC tomorrow. that’s right, kids, THE CURMUDGEON (or as Lampsha and i have dubbed him “Party Girl”) has decided to grace the east coast with his presence, and a festive time promises to ensue. assuming some of us can get close enough to actually talk to the guy, because did i mention everyone within a 700 mile radius will be there? gulp.

3. Part 3 of my own Family Drama That’s Taking On A Life of it’s Own unfolds today. hopefully i’ll be back later this afternoon. that should, by the way, give you all enough time to watch this freakin’ long-ass film. or not. what the hell, since most of us will be out most of tomorrow, you kids can entertain yourselves by learning all about Molly, then.


Comment by One Hot Puppy

Ah yes, family life…ain’t it grand? Great video…love these things…and equally stellar post!

Comment by BoBo

I’m taking all the notes for later viewing. Actually I think I have heard audio clips of this but look forward to see that we’ve at evolved ever so slightly in terms of being a woman.

See you tomorrow…if you don’t get “your friend” that is.


Comment by Lampsha

ok, ok *puts notebook aside and rumages through her cupboard for a pretty Sunday dress to put on next time teh curse will come*

I mean is it just me or:

a) Molly´s mother´s gloves (I totally agree with you should not be in the school nurses office!) pose questions

b) that a woman´s uterus reminds me of a ram´s head.

c) there should be mentioning of side-effects that accompany the curse. Pain, Vomit, aches, headaches… and let alone the bloating.

Nurse:”change your underwear more often, use deoderant and put on your Sunday dress…remain in an upright position!” WTF?

penguin:”Be curled up under a blanket, in sweatpants and your favourite t-shirt, eat loads of ice cream, insult Mother Nature without hesitation, frequently (she´ll understand, being a mother and all!) and watch your favorite DVD for the gazillionth time! Give people “the look” when they disturb you and grab anything that can inflict pain, if they announce that you are edgy while on your period!

Comment by Penguin

At the risk of pissing off my fellow women here I am going to brag and say I was relieved of my uterus back in ’03. Let me say, WooHoo!! (If you haven’t had children yet this post does NOT apply to you!) I have never felt better. Don’t let anyone talk you into keeping your uterus if you can get rid of it. As in, “We can probably just remove the fibroids.” HAHAHA, No Thanks, I said, “Take the bitch out!”

Comment by claire

Bobo: kids, can’t live with ’em, can’t get a teensie tiny tax break without ’em. 😉 XOX

Lampsha: hahaha. my “friend’s” ship sailed quite a while ago. don’t let Tali see this, no point in giving her nightmares. SEE YOU TOMORROW!! 🙂 xox

Penguin: i have always thought that the uterus — along with those two pesky fallopian tubes — looks exacly like a ram’s head! sure there’s a tacky comment to be made about that in there somewhere, but i’ll leave that to other, less refined folks to make! trust me, my kids learned about PMS before they could walk. nothin’ says “Mommy doesn’t feel well” like slamming a few door, tossing spaghetti up against the wall, and locking one’s self in the bathroom for a few hours. poor kids. it’s a miracle they’re still around. d’oh! 🙄 xox

Claire: i have a couple of girlfriends in the same boat as you, and i have to say they’ve told me the same thing. as long as YOU are okay, that’s all that matters. stupid hormones, who needs ’em and/or that freakin’ monthly “curse”, anyway?? 🙂 xox

i guess more of our friends equipped with, uh, penises (as opposed to those ram-shaped organs we’ve all been endowed with) are too shy and/or grossed out to comment on this post. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! hey, if my husband of nearly 22 years can take it, so can the rest of you “boys”. or should that be, “wimps and/or whiners with weenies”?? heh heh. 🙄

Comment by snuppy

Yeah, I just want to say that same-sex pedophilia is no better nor worse than heteropedophilia. What’s with that old lady and “Gee, Molly is really growing up. Prrrrrrr?”

Penguin is right about side effects, too. Rightly the script should have read “”Daddy, I’m not a baby anymore, not that you pay any attention at all! I hate you! I hate you! And your pants are stupid!”

They totally left out passive-aggressiveness and murderous rage.

There’s no way I’m submitting rather than deleting this comme…

Comment by Doug

Is it just me or does Ms. Jensen remind anyone else of Miss Hathaway from The Beverly Hillbillies?

Comment by Doug

Doug: pretty sure Ms Jensen (that’s Miss Jensen to you) had the ability to launch into “murderous rage” mode on more than one occasion — and quite possibly on Molly’s dad, depending on how things went with his wife. d’oh!

and YOU’RE SO RIGHT! i knew Miss Jensen reminded me of someone, but i couldn’t quite place her. “Jane Hathaway” from The Beverly Hillbillies… that’s it! heh heh. (yeah, like we believed she had a crush of Jethro. guessing Elly Mae was the one who got ol’ Jane hot under her clip-board, poor dear.) 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

Since I made my Sweetie watch the “boy” video, he made me watch the “girl” one… wowsa… that is another squirmy movie! He asked me if I learned anything… yes, I learned that you can’t go swimming, horseback riding, do anything that “bumps you up and down” or get chilled whilst you are under the curse…things I never knew all these years past. Geez Loooueeeze, good thing I survived!

Comment by Terry

Terry: hahaha. honestly, it’s a wonder any of us survived. believe it or not, my mother actually took me to see our family doctor before i was allowed to use tampons. that’s right, somehow she thought i would lose my “virginity” to cotton, and be rendered unsuitable for marriage to a nice man, down the road.

of course, i managed to get away with the old “what? of course i’m a virgin, i just use tampons” on more than one occasion. (kidding. and thinking i’ve just grossed out every guy who ever reads this blog to the point of never commenting again.) 🙄 xox

Comment by snuppy

Oy! Were I to follow that advice I would be in trouble FO SHO! Or should I say were the peeps in the vid to see the things I still do when the curse arrives they would lock me up (sad that even in this day and age many people balk at a menstruating woman refusing to stop doing the inverted poses in yoga… I do and will keep doing them neener, neener to those bastards I say!)…

“passive aggressiveness and murderous rage”? Ha, ha,haaaa hermanito mio it sounds like you must have had quite the run-in with a sistah or two! Methinks you and Loverboy might have quite a story or more to swap on that end FO SHO! The poor man trembles when that time of the month arrives when our “life and marriage and his treatment of me” all must be re-evaluated and it all ends in my crying a big sobbing cry and becoming a heaping, shrieking mess on the floor… it happens, what can I say! *sigh*

As for your tampon comment amiga mia, ha, ha, haaaa! My grandma nearly had a heart attack the first time I wanted to use one… well, she thought I was about to use one as, with a panic, she lectured then-virgin-but-definitely-not-hymen-wise-because-a-bitch-gynecologist-had-the-brilliant-idea-of-ripping-it-with-the-speculum-she-opened-WAY-too-damn-fast-which-sent-me-home-bleeding-and-no-I-was-not-on-my-period-then-and-though-the-absent-men-may-very-well-be-vomiting-it-happened-and-so-there-you-go me with all her heart as to the “evils” of tampons and how they would “taint” me and whatnot… Cousin A and I delighted in teasing her and little did she know that there stood her virgin grandaughters, with tampons and all, teasing and laughing away… bwahahahaaaa!

This panic over such ridiculous things is just sad… although I do admit to Lil’ Mischief being utterly relieved when told he wouldn’t have to worry since he would not bleed nor ever need to use a tampon in his life… his disgusted face as he walked in on me changing the damn thing warranted an explanation you see! Oy! 😉

Ahem… um… methinks I have been gross enough so off I go to bed… Loverboy and I had lord-knows-what for lunch as, lo and behold, up we both were at 4 am nauseous (well, I had to wake him since I was worse off) and me, finally vomiting… but all is well and the non-menstruation demons have been exercised and off I go to bed!

Another faboo post though I DO need to catch up on last week’s come morning seeing that I missed a faboo Neva & Dr. Terri collaboration! *GASPETTY GASP*

I hope that part 3 of the family drama went smoothly and had a positive end result my dearest of amigas! Loverboy and I have held you in our hearts and thoughs FO SHO and here’s to smooth travails and a peaceful weekend! Give that hermano o’ mine a big squeeze! Besos to you my dearest and most beloved Neva!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Well, whatta ya know… I had NO idea you could wash your hair while you were menstruating (pronounced men-stroo-ating). You learn something new every damn day around here!

Comment by Jeff

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