Central Snark


Dear Crummy Driver by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 26 June 2007, 7:28am
Filed under: crummy letters

crummyjoel's avatarIT’S official. CRUMMYJOEL is now in the “system”, which means our funny friend can post on a more frequent and/or regular basis. Which means our funny friend has to post on a more frequent and/or regular basis. Which means oh please oh please oh please post on a more frequent and/or regular basis, CrummyJoel, because we love these crummy-but-not-really letters of yours, and since our “other” funny friend, DIESEL, is busy selling t-shirts and/or making book pitches, we need you. Not that we didn’t need you before, mind you, but now we’re kind of desperate, in that clingy way we get sometimes. Not “hang on to your pant leg for dear life” clingy, mind you, but “oh sure we could make it without you, but puh-uh-leeese don’t force us to try” clingy. We know you hate that, and we hate ourselves for getting that way, but what can we say? Oh sure we could make it without you, but please don’t force us to try! Uh, heh heh. All this to say… CrummyJoel is now in the “system”, and all is right (and/or write) in our world. Also, from here on out, he’ll get no special treatment (and/or set-up) from us. What he writes is what you’ll get, which you’ll find out for yourselves, as soon as we let go of his pant leg. ~snuppy

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Dear Crummy Driver:

Just the other day, I was wondering to myself what it must feel like to merge onto the freeway on a Big Wheel©. Now I know. I realize that a vehicle as large as yours might take some time building up to highway speeds, but considering you were driving 85 mph on side roads methinks you could have been a bit quicker on the uptake when joining interstate traffic.

As is always the case not only were you able to merge with absolutely no problems (leaving the clusterf&^k to the line of endless traffic that had built up behind you), but you immediately felt the need to move to the left-most lane of freeway traffic. Which would have been fine, except for the fact that you swerved in front of 14 vehicles in the process. Oh, and the fact that you immediately set your cruise control on approximately 36 mph.

After negotiating the merge mess you left me with, I finally made it over to the fast lane. And by fast, I mean “36 mph”, because by that time you were leading the charge. I would’ve given anything for you to move right and let the faster traffic (me) pass. When you finally did, little did I realize the nightmare that your changing lanes creates. Hey, next time you get into your car, do me a favor and find those mirrors. You know, the ones you use to put your makeup on. Notice that if you take your face away from these mirrors long enough, you can actually see the traffic behind you and therefore avoid recklessly careening directly into their trajectory. Of course, this would mean that your makeup would have to get applied in some place other than your car at some time other than when you are on the interstate. A sacrifice, yes, but perhaps one that is best for everyone involved.

Quite honestly I was surprised you had time for the makeup, what with everything else that was going on in your vehicle. The main deck of the Enterprise had less activity than your driver’s seat. Between your makeup, coffee, CD karaoke, and cell phone, I swear you must have sprouted an extra arm out of the middle of your torso to keep it all going. By the way, do the size of cupholders match the size of the vehicles they occupy these days? I didn’t realize that had Starbucks started selling their coffee by the silo. Then again, I didn’t realize that Chevrolet had started selling aircraft carriers, either.

Eventually, we became separated and I can’t say that I was sorry. Of course, the reason we were separated is that I took heed to the warning that the left lane was ending in 2 miles. I got over to the right lanes, as I was specifically instructed to by multiple signs containing very large flashing LED lights and the scruffy gentlemen with orange vests and flags. I’m pretty sure you got out of the left lane approximately 10.6 inches before it ended. I wouldn’t know for sure as I was a ways back, a location reserved for people who follow traffic rules and dictated by those people who stay in lanes until there’s only 10.6 inches to spare. Thanks.

Next time, please do us a favor and take public transportation. Maybe you could earn some tips with your CD karaoke.

~Crummy Joel

PS: humor-blogs.com asked that if you are going to flick cigarettes out your car window, could you try not to aim for our sunroof? Thanks.

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17 Comments so far
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pretty sure this crummy driver was in front of us on the West Side Highway Saturday, as we were desperately trying to get in to Lower Manhattan in order to meet up with a few of our soon-to-be-close-personal-blogger-friends.

as for the putting on of the make-up whilst in the driver’s seat? heh — in the words of Billy Crystal playing Fernando Lamas (or was it Ricardo Montalban?) “it’s better to look good than it is to drive good.” or something like that.

HILARIOUS CRUMMY LETTER, CrummyJoel! these just keep gettin’ better and better. i tell ya, i’m gonna have to keep a few pillows on the floor at the base of my chair if you keep this up. (and i sure hope you do!) 🙂 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Thanks! I’m glad to be a regular part of the fun around here.

Comment by CrummyJoel

I can’t decide if I’m laughing because the post is so funny or if I’m camouflaging pain from memories of being “that car” stuck behind the Hummer or one of it’s relatives. *Sigh.

Great post!

Comment by Charlottalove

I think that was me, Joel.

____________

You’ll find some great recipes at humor-blogs. Like this one:

“The Texas Two-Step:”

1. Gut a pineapple. Save the pineapple guts.
2. Dump a scoop of tuna salad into one half of the hollow pineapple.
3. Dump a scoop of chicken salad into the other half.
4. place the pineapple guts on top.
5. Decorate with a cherry and an anchovy.
6. Serve with a knife, spoon, fork, and stomach pump.

Comment by Al

CrummyJoel: “part” of the fun? dude, you ARE the fun! 😉 xox

Charlottalove: i’m guessing it’s both. heh heh. xox

Al: you forgot: 7. load up concoction onto a fork-lift, taking care to keep fork-lift handy for man who attempts to consume aforementioned concoction in one sitting.

hahaha. kidding, i kid! altho’, i’ve gotta say, you did impress the lot of us when you managed to consume that entire so-called “salad”! 🙄 xox

Comment by snuppy

I laughed until I cried as I too am often behind this same driver – taking curves at 92 then dead stop at the merge.

I just came up with an idea though – a flag, sort of like what the roadworkers use to warn traffic. My thought is a big neon one that says “HEY YOU, CRUMMY DRIVER” and you could wave it out your window to distract them and thus maneuver around their car. Sounds a little flakey, I realize, but worth a try.

Another crummy funny post Joel. Your crumminess is growing on us.

Comment by Lampsha

Al that fruit salad went perfectly with your matching shirts 😉

Comment by Lampsha

CharlottaLove: Thanks!

Al: You’re forgiven. For the recipe, too.

Snuppy: WE are the fun.

Lampsha: If my crumminess is growing on you, I think there’s an ointment for that.

Comment by CrummyJoel

I do believe you had a Keisha sighting!

Comment by RevJATB

JATB: My next letter was going to be to the person in front of me at the drive-thru ATM, but you have covered it so thoroughly that I can’t possibly top that.

I will have to come up with another victim….errr…subject.

Comment by CrummyJoel

It is a rule of the road that the larger the Stupid Useless Vehicle, the dumber the driver.

I think I get behind this driver every time I get on the road.

Comment by Nessa

CrummyJoel: i’m pretty sure there’s enough room in the blogosphere to explore the same subject JATB did! that said, don’t know if anyone else has thoughts, but i don’t mind tossin’ a few of my own “crummy letter” ideas your way:

1. the idiot ahead of me at the Wendy’s drive-through window — or any drive-through window, for that matter.

2. the woman in front of me at the post office — who has 14 different letters/boxes to mail, and hasn’t bothered to address any of them. AND she needs a freakin’ money order, too. (there’s something to be said for the Post office worker — who IS nice — but whose 3 inch fingernails make it impossible to sift through the paperwork. as does her 5 foot wide ass. as does her need to “shuffle” to the backroom between customers to do God knows what with the mail. am i the only one who finds this annoying?)

3. the waitress who felt the need to share her entire life’s story with me, including that bit about having 3 (count ’em THREE) sets of teeth. which she discovered after set “2” got knocked out during an extreme episode of Domestic Violence. i have 2 hours to hear the gross (and mildly disturbing) details of this woman’s life? what about “hey, we came to Disney World with our kids, and we’re only here for 2 days — and already out $1200” didn’t sink in?

4. the large man who walks his 4 huge dogs (named, ironically, Tiny, Fluffy, Winkie, and Fred) down our street — and allows them all to piss on our hydrangeas, and poop (and poop and poop) on top of our pachysandra…

5. those “mischievous” kids who ride around and take batting practice out on the mailboxes down our street. that’s a good time that just never gets old.

6. the store clerk who’s too busy chattin’ up some cute girl (or guy) to actually “help” you find whatever the hell it is you’re A) looking for B) desperate to buy and/or C) in need of exchanging and/or returning for credit. i hate that guy (or gal, as the case may be) so much!

i could go on, but i should probably give someone else a chance to offer up a few “crummy” ideas of their own! 😉

Comment by snuppy

I liek Crummy joel, he makes me smile and soemtimes laugh real hard. Nice addition!

When I went to California a while back I noticed a thing I have never seen before, traffic related. A car pool…two or more people in a vehicle constitute a car pool…that still makes me giggle. I am easily amused!

I don’t put lipstick on, hell I don´t wear lipstick, I am karaokee-ing like hell though. But my Cds are neatly organized and I don’t even need to look to find the right one and insert it into teh slot…

part of a bigger plan!

Comment by Penguin

Joel, I know where you live (because I’ve read your profile on Crummy Church Signs, silly, not because I’m a stalker), and because I live in approximately the same area, I understand *exactly what you’re talking about*. Happens to me every day (several times a day) on Vietnam Vet’s Bypass. These people wouldn’t last a day in LA or some other large car-crazy city. You gotta get up to speed to MERGE, people!

Comment by Sandi

The thing about SUVs is that they’re just about impossible to maneuver out of the way of any kind of hazard, but of course it’s not a hazard if you’re in a vehicle that has more steel in it than the director’s cut of 300. In other words, “Sure I might hit something, but at least I won’t be the one who gets killed.”

Another great post, Joel. Keep it up, and I’m not just saying that because I’m glad Snuppy’s on your leg now.

Comment by Diesel

Since topics for letters are being fielded let me suggest one to the purveyors and (ab)users of fireworks. Being from Canada, the American love of things that go boom (or whiz-pop, or phht, or fweet/krak!) is a constant source of fascination to me. Though fascination is not the word I’d use when it’s happening on the street in front of the house at 2 am, July 5th. Hereabouts, there seems to be some confusion as to when July actually happens, so the plan seems to be that if the month begins with a J, go for it. Take it from there my son, unless that’s you with the firecrackers I hear.

Dad

Comment by Bruce Bezaire

CrummyJoel? pretty sure your dad is on to something there. in fact, based on the noisy pre/post celebratory activity on our own street leading up to and/or following Independence Day, i KNOW you’re dad is on to something! i believe we have a “crummy letter topic” winner! (i could be wrong, but i’m not gonna be the one to tick off your dad…) 🙄

thanks Crummy Joel’s Dad! we lovelovelove your son, and we love the fact that YOU stopped by! 🙂 xox

Comment by One Hot Puppy




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