Central Snark


The Self Portraiteers by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 31 July 2007, 7:07am
Filed under: crummy letters, funny...

CrummyJoel here. It’s Tuesday again, but I’m taking a break from my normal CrummyLetter for a change of pace. I think today’s offering has plenty of Snark for everyone, though.

This is a short movie that my best friends and I created. It’s a mockumentary entitled The Self Portraiteers. It’s about a couple of guys who take pictures of themselves and strongly feel that what they create is high art. Though they share a passion for the same “art” form, they differ in their philosophies.

That’s me as Rousedauer, Kevin Sample as VonDutch, and Lance Cooper edited, filmed, directed, and came up with the original story idea. All three of us wrote it.

This is the films first “official” posting anywhere, and it’s probably what would be considered “first cut” (that is, we will likely still adjust some things) so we’d be glad to hear your thoughts.

Also, if you have accounts for either of these websites, we’ve posted it to MySpace Video, and also to LiveVideo. It wouldn’t hurt our feelings if you rated it highly and added nice words to the comments. (We would put it on YouTube, but it’s about 3 minutes too long for YouTube’s tastes……..ah well.)

Anyhow, enjoy!!!

[livevideo id=967ABB9681E243F3ADBCA947046BE230]

Keep your hand on the humor-blogs.com !!!!

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Sidewalk Surfin’ by Snuppy
Monday, 30 July 2007, 7:44am
Filed under: funny..., music music

skating queenREADY to roll into a new week? Neither are we, but apparently, it doesn’t matter what we want, the new week is started, whether we like it or not. Which means we’re either rolling, or we’re gonna wind up stuck on the side of the road, like some old car with a flat tire. And that won’t be good for anyone. So, let’s begin, shall we?

SINCE this is Monday, and we spent the entire weekend hap-hoppily listening to the fab DJ LAMPSHA’S even more fab find, the hip-hoppery Lupe Fiasco — in a music video about and/or featuring skateboarding, we figured we’d roll with that sort of “theme” for one more day. By which we mean, of course, another music video about and/or featuring more skateboarding. What can we tell you? We remember when skateboards FIRST came on the “scene”, back when we were just dumb kids in sneakers ‘n sassy ponytails. Yep, in those days, we’d break up a pair of roller skates, slap those puppies onto one side of a flat roundish board, and voila! Instant Groovy Weapon of Scrawny Wrist Destruction. The fact that we could only go “down” hill, and not very well at that, was beside the point. The point, for we had one, just before we wiped out tryin’ to shoot the curb, was that “sidewalk surfin'” was all the rage, and we were rollin’ around on our driveway with the best of ’em. That is, until we fell down. Stupid old wheel-less skate left out in the driveway…

OH yeah, and we listened to some rockin’ music back then, as well. DJ LAMPSHA and/or her Lupe Fiasco have nothin’ on us. Or wouldn’t, had they been around back in 1964, when all the “cool” girls wore pedal pushers and/or push-up bras, bouffant do’s and lip gloss, and listened to the music of a couple of guys from Southern California wearing skintight pants and even more bouffant do’s, with voices that seemed, at times, higher than our own. NO we’re not talkin’ about the Beach Boys, tho’ that would have been a good guess. We’re talkin’ about the 2 groovy guys who hit the surfy music scene first, the hip-tho’-not-yet-hop JAN AND DEAN.

NOTHIN’ like good old-fashioned skateboard music, poorly lipsynced by a couple of guys in tight pants, to get things off to a rolling start, eh? By the way, Jan and Dean may be yesterday’s Groovy Duo, jan and deanbut that hasn’t stopped one of ’em from setting up a Very Groovy Jan and Dean MYSPACE PAGE, featuring cool old songs and interviews. We’re thinking it would be Very Groovy if this stuff could be released on a record or something. We’re guessing that might happen, as soon as someone can figure out how to spin a vinyl 45 on an iPod. The problem? No Grooves.

~snuppy

Bust your buns at Humor-blogs.com. While you’re at it, break out that wallet, and buy a copy of Antisocial Commentary. That’s what all the “cool” kids are doing.



SATURDAY SPIN by Snuppy
Saturday, 28 July 2007, 9:15am
Filed under: Lampsha Spins

Diesel, Diesel, Diesel – it’s all about Diesel! If you’ve ever watched the Brady Bunch, that will make sense.

Okay, this will be quick because it’s getting late and oops, was I supposed to have something up here today? I think so.

I don’t know what the weather is where you live – but here in NYC, it’s muGGY! I think we need something a little smooth to cool us off. So we’re going to listen to LUPE FIASCO. If you haven’t heard of him, mainly because you’re not into HipHop say, then a little fill-in – the guy comes with plenty of cred – nominated for three Grammys for his first album Food and Liquor, including one for the song featured in the video. By the way, Lupe is his stage name and as a practicing Muslim, he does not drink alcohol or go clubbing which may set him apart just a little bit from many of his contemporaries.

So let’s roll:

You can check out more at LupeFiasco.com or at his MySpace.

Now go kick and push and cooast your way into a good weekend.

~ DJ LAMPSHA – YO!

PS: Head on over to Humor-blogs.com’s skate ramp – it’s rad!

PPS: CONGRATS TO SNUPPY who won Diesel’s Caption Contest with a hilarious caption! And Congrats to Diesel for finally showing in his own contest with an equally funny caption.



No Sex, Ed. by Snuppy
Friday, 27 July 2007, 8:23am
Filed under: Sex, Ed?

NO sex, anyone. That’s right, zip, zero, nada. What? After yesterday’s Big Book Launching Bonanaramananza, we’re just not in the mood to “do” anything. Chalk it up to a headache. Blame it on the bossa nova. Discuss it amongst yourselves and/or with your mothers-in-law. Just don’t bother us with your prodding, because trust us, there’ll be no discussions around here about anything even remotely related to “gettin’ lucky”. Not today.

SO stop your pouting, and get over yourselves. Think about something else for a minute or 10, okay? We find reading helps ease the tension of not “getting” what we want, perhaps that might work for you, as well. Unfortunately, it’s highly doubtful purchasing and/or reading Diesel’s “Antisocial Commentary” will do anything to enhance relaxation, let alone stimulate one’s sagging libido. Altho’, now that we think of it, a quick read could force us to remove our panties. Sadly, we’d probably be doing it because they were soaked in all that pee we were unable to hold in from laughing so much. Or not. Because, let’s face it, no matter how lacy they are, pee-soaked panties are just plain disgusting.

mattress police

OKAY, you found us out. In truth, this is just another shameless plug for DIESEL’S book, in hopes he’ll be so freakin’ happy he’ll agree to supply us with a few more Snarky posts before running off to join the ranks of Russo, Chabon, Walker, Updike, Eugenides, and/or Barry* — which is something we expect to happen the instant he sells a few copies of his book and becomes rich, famous, and/or embroiled in a scandal of some sort. Hopefully not one involving the likes of Lindsay Lohan or Britney Spears, because, let’s face it, that would be disgusting.

*That’s right, we’re not as stupid as we look. Or, maybe we are, but at least we’ve purchased a few books written by Pulitzer prize-winning authors, in the hopes our friends will think we’re well-read, should they ever elect to stop by and peruse our meager-yet-impressively stocked bookcase.

~snuppy

Will you pee your pants when reading Humor-blogs.com? Depends.



Wake Up and Smell the DIESEL by Snuppy
Thursday, 26 July 2007, 8:35am
Filed under: funny..., Pop! goes the Diesel

OH JOY. Just when we think we’ve got nothing left to say, we find out it doesn’t matter. Er, what we meant to say, is that we have an announcement to make. One, we hasten to add, will be found, at the very least, moderately confusing for a good many of you, and mildly amusing for the rest. Brace yourselves, here goes:

diesel avatarSO there’s this guy, see? Name’s DIESEL, see? And he wrote a book, see? A funny-yet-humorous book based on his even more hilarious-yet-laugh-out-loud funny posts, see? And he’s planning to sell it, see? Maybe let us take whatever money we might have otherwise spent on Penicillin and/or groceries to buy his book, instead, see? Even tho’ we’ve had that hacking cough for well over a week now and/or have probably read most of the material in this so-called “book” over the course of the year — or so — since we first met this guy, see? But wait! There’s more! As you’ll soon see, see?

AFTER he begged us to advertise the “book” launch and/or whined about how much he does for the Snark, we agreed to help and/or whined about the fact that we’ve been busy “entertaining” a certain lively/lovely visitor from Iceland. That’s when Asparagus Boy — which is what we call Diesel in the privacy of our fragile little minds — offered to make it easier. And by “make it easier” we mean he wrote a “let’s get Diesel’s book sales off to a rousing start” post for us. We kid you not. And, not only did he provide a few of his own “well-chosen words”, he plucked ’em down in 4 — count ’em fourdifferent postettes, featuring the aforementioned “well-chosen words”, Antisocial Commentary book coverwhich he (and we) hope will entice one and all to race over to MATTRESSPOLICE.COM, in order to plop down the aforementioned “big bucks” for the purposes of buying the aforementioned “book”. And, by “big bucks”, we mean $11.95 + S&H, or $9.95 to pre-order — and get an autographed copy (which might be nice, since we hear Diesel has excellent penmanship). And by “book”, we mean “Antisocial Commentary — Something Something Smart, Funny, and Clever“. Or something something like that.

Whatever the “book” is called, here’s what “Diesel” wants you to know, depending on who you are and/or how much you like him, and/or how much we like you:

~4 Ways to Help Launch My Book and/or Sell, like, a Million Copies~ by Diesel. (Illustrated by us. No, not the book, the 4 “postettes”. Yeesh.)

1. THE OVER-THE-TOP RAVING ENDORSEMENT

Diesel is Young FrankensteinDiesel, the twisted genius behind the humor blog MattressPolice.com, has announced the publication date for his first book! Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, is a hilarious excursion through the mind of Diesel. From topics as varied as James Blunt and the Incredible Hulk to global politics and perpetual motion machines, Antisocial Commentary is a tour de force of satire, sarcasm, and just plain silliness. Savor such essays as “The Force is Middling in this One,” which answers the question “What happens to someone in the Star Wars universe who isn’t quite Jedi material?” and “Harry Potter and the Inevitable Slide into Satanism,” which explores the nefarious connection between the works of J.K. Rowling and the minions of the Devil.

Antisocial Commentary will be published on August 15, but for a limited time you can pre-order a signed copy at a significantly discounted price. In addition to being an all-around great guy, Diesel is quite possibly the funniest blogger on the internet. This book is a collection of over 50 of most hilarious essays. I’ll be pre-ordering my copy today, and I suggest you head over to MattressPolice.com and do the same.

2. THE NONCOMMITTAL SUGGESTION

Diesel is a casual carefree authorDiesel, who runs MattressPolice.com, has announced the publication date for his first book! Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police, is a collection of over 50 of his best essays. These include “The Force is Middling in this One,” which answers the question “What happens to someone in the Star Wars universe who isn’t quite Jedi material?” and “Harry Potter and the Inevitable Slide into Satanism,” which explores the nefarious connection between the works of J.K. Rowling and the minions of the Devil.

Antisocial Commentary will be published on August 15, but for a limited time you can pre-order a signed copy at a significantly discounted price. Diesel is a good guy and an excellent writer. Help me show some support for a fellow blogger making his first foray into print. Head over to his site to preview the book or just check out some of his funny posts.

3. THE OFFHAND MENTION

Diesel needs a monkeyI wanted to mention that one of my fellow bloggers, a funny guy named Diesel, has announced the publication date for his first book. Antisocial Commentary: From the Secret Files of the Mattress Police is a collection of over 50 of Diesel’s funniest posts. Head over to his site, MattressPolice.com, and check it out. You can pre-order a signed copy, read a preview of the book, or just read some of his funny posts.

4. THE MERCILESS PAN WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE

diesel is a monkeyGet this: A guy who goes by the name “Diesel” has just announced that he’s publishing a book. Yeah, the same “Diesel” who is so painfully un-funny on his blog, MattressPolice.com. You may be wondering how in hell a hack like “Diesel” gets published. Simple. The same way every other hack gets published these days: He self-published the book through Lulu.com. You know, the place that ranks just below Kinko’s as a reputable publisher? Yeah, them.

Anyway, this book – which is mercifully only 159 pages long by the way, making it more of a breathtakingly dull brochure than a book – is a collection of Diesel’s “best” posts. Seriously. Gee, thanks, Diesel. Because I can no longer get to your website to read your interminable tripe since my anti-stupidity software flagged it as a potential hazard to my intellectual well-being. I can’t wait to get the hard copy version, because I’ve got an end table that has one short leg.

Of course, it’s going to be a while before I can fix that table, because the book isn’t even published yet. That’s right, he’s having a “release party” for a book that hasn’t been released. Supposedly you can “pre-order” a copy, whatever the hell that means. Sounds like a scam to me. He’s even offering “signed” copies at a discounted rate – presumably because anything that he scribbles his signature on immediately loses much of whatever value it started off with.

So if, for some unfathomable reason, you find Diesel’s tired, self-involved sarcasm amusing and you just can’t get enough of it on his website, head over to his site and experience one of the 100 biggest publishing sensations since the last Harry Potter book came out 5 days ago.

******************

HEY, what can we say? We don’t just like this guy, we lovelovelove him. And WE plan to buy up as many copies of his little “book” as we can, in hopes of selling ’em on eBay, once he makes it big with one of those “other” books he plans to write, assuming THIS one sells enough copies to make it worth his while. So make it worth HIS while, and, while you’re at it, OUR while, and while away an hour or two perusing the pages of his “book”. ~snuppy

*******************

Yes Virginia, there IS a Diesel on Humor-blogs.com… and he’s hilarious.



Rock is Dead by mattresspolice
Wednesday, 25 July 2007, 8:04am
Filed under: funny..., music music, Pop! goes the Diesel

DieselI will freely admit that I don’t know anything about music.

I don’t know anything about most of the other stuff I write either, but I’m less willing to admit that.

I do know that there was a time when musical virtuosos poured their souls into their music, producing works of genius that will live on for ages to come. That time was the early 90s, with the release of U2’s Achtung Baby and Guns ‘n’ Roses’ Use Your Illusion 1 and 2.

I’m also pretty sure that music can’t possibly get any worse than Fifty Cent and Fergilicious. And I’m not just another old guy who is disgusted by what the kids are listening to these days. Well, ok, I am. But seriously, have you heard this crap?

Motley CrueWhen I was in high school, listening to music by the likes of Mötley Crüe and Poison, the grownups just didn’t “get it.” Guys in wigs and leather pants squealing operatic vocals that delivered a message of dimestore Satanism in time with mind-numbing percussion was cool, dammit. And you know what? It’s still cool. I can still rock out to Def Leppard’s Pour Some Sugar on Me and Foreigner’s Urgent, and as far as I can tell I’m just as cool as I was in high school. I mean, hell, I still hang out with one of the guys on the debate team, and he’d tell me if I was slipping, right? Of course he would. Yeah, I’ve still got it. I think Night Ranger said it best in their song “You Can Still Rock in America” when they said, and I quote, “You can still rock in America.”

So I call foul on today’s music. I remember thinking, “When I grow up I’m not going to be square like my parents and listen to Mozart and Smooth Jazz™. I’m going to listen to kickass hardcore rock and roll! And you know what? I’ve lived up to my end of the deal. I still listen to rock, and not just sexually confused 80s hair bands. When grunge came along, I was like, “This stuff is dope.” Before there was illegal downloading, there was 8 CDs for a penny from BMG Music Club and changing your address. I snapped up CDs by Pearl Jam, Soundgarden and Nirvana. Then when rap-metal came along, I was like, “I can hang with this.” Linkin Park, Rage Against the Machine, Audioslave? Hell yeah, I was on board. And I’m not just a metalhead either; I dig the classic rock and a lot of alternative stuff too.Rob Zombie

Then something weird happened. Kids stopped listening to rock music. Now they listen to insipid pop garbage by “artists” like the Black Eye Peas and James Blunt. So here I am, feeling like that crazy guy who waits for the bus in the phone booth every morning. “When’s the rock getting here?” I mutter to passersby, who hold their children close and shuffle past.

Are today’s youth just so mellow and well adjusted that they have no need for the likes of Nine Inch Nails or Nirvana? If so, then I think we as parents have let our kids down. We haven’t provided the kind of environment that produced tortured souls like Kurt Cobain and Trent Reznor. I say we drop all this self-esteem nonsense and start meting out harsh punishments for flouting convention. Stop treating your kids as if they were equals, and for goodness’ sake let’s all stop talking about our feelings. I want to start seeing some repression, needless belittling and arbitrary corporal punishment.

It will be hard at first, but with some luck in a few years some of those angry youths will become brilliant musicians. And with a little more luck, none of the rest of them will move into my neighborhood.

~ Diesel

Humor-Blogs.com can still rock in America. And sometimes Canada.



Dear Crummy Civil Engineers by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 24 July 2007, 8:03am
Filed under: crummy letters

Dear Civil Engineers of the City in Which I Reside;

I swear to you that if another traffic light goes up on the road between my house and the interstate, I am going to absolutely lose my &*%(*&. Seriously, it’s like a 3-mile stretch of road. There are 11 stoplights I have to cross. There are less than 30,000 people in our paltry little town. Is it all really necessary?

It would be one thing if they were regular old stoplights. You know, the old fashioned kind where if someone on a side street pulled up to the light they would have to sit there waiting on the light to change, often for minutes at a time with absolutely no oncoming traffic in sight. Ah, the good old days.

But no. That’s not the case here. Every single one of these eleven stoplights can sense traffic and has the trigger finger of Jules and Vincent. If a car on a side street even thinks about pulling up to the stop light, the main artery immediately gets a yellow light.

Now, during a typical rush hour, do you have any idea how many times I have to stop at a light over this three mile course? I’ll give you a second to do the math….eleven stop lights….eleven stop lights with traffic sensors….eleven stoplights with trigger fingers……

Yep, you guessed it…..FIFTEEN. Why fifteen? Because so much traffic backs up because of the lousy system you have installed, that by the time I get anywhere near a green light at a major intersection it’s back to yellow again!!

Look, yours is a difficult job. Not everyone can just waltz into college and become a civil engineer. I get that. But just take 10 minutes one morning rush hour and observe how traffic flows on the main road. And by “flows” I of course mean “grinds to a complete halt”. It is absolutely a shame upon your fine profession.

It is a shame because the term “engineering” implies that some sort of mathematical or scientific thinking occurred, when it is apparent that all that happened in our town is that 11 sets of traffic-sensing stoplights were purchased and installed. That’s not engineering. That’s “shopping”. You don’t want to be called “Civil Shoppers”, do you? Then start engineering something.

Change the stop lights on the cross-roads back to the old fashioned kind and set up some sort of timing system. One that allows cars on the main artery to approach some sort of normal driving speeds. We thank you in advance.

CrummyJoel

PS: Humor-blogs.com wonders if they could get their hands on one of those cool engineer hats? Thanks.

PPS: OK, seriously folks I am running out of Crummy Letter inspiration. Ideas in the form of comments to this post will be greatly appreciated.