Central Snark

Dear Crummy Noisy Neighbor by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 3 July 2007, 8:21am
Filed under: crummy letters


crummyjoel's avatar

Dear Next-Door Neighbor,


As far as I can tell, the only reason anybody would have to send off flares at three o’clock in the morning would be if they had just crash-landed their Cessna on a remote desert island. Now, I haven’t checked in a few hours (as I have been trying to sleep), but I feel fairly confident that our neat little suburban respite has not suddenly been transported into the middle of the South Pacific. If I am mistaken with this assumption, then my deepest apologies are extended to you and yours. If I am not mistaken, and we are still in fact nestled on our comfortable little cul-de-sac, then may I ask WHY THE HELL DO YOU FEEL THE NEED TO SHOOT OFF FIREWORKS AT THREE O’CLOCK IN THE FRIGGIN’ MORNING?!

Look, I get why you might want to experiment with fireworks. I mean, gunpowder has only been around for seventeen hundred years or so. Perhaps you, Mr. John Doe in Anytown, USA, could find some other use for exploding gunpowder that scientists from all different continents couldn’t. Perhaps in the short two week span immediately proceeding July 4 you could find some new, groundbreaking property that has completely escaped the scientific community since the year 300. More power to you. I was just wondering if maybe you could conduct your experiments during daytime hours.

I have actually conducted a couple of experiments myself over the last few minutes. While lying here in bed, unable to sleep, I have determined that every successive “whizzzzzzzzzBANG” coming from your back yard makes me 12% more pissed off than I was before. With each new explosion that rattles my window panes, I have become 26% more likely to stalk across my front lawn towards your house armed with a gas-powered weed-eater and an aluminum baseball bat. And in the morning, when I spend three and a half hours in my front lawn picking up residue from spent M-80’s, Black Cats, and Bottle Rockets, I will be 100% more likely to throw a “For Sale” sign in my front lawn and sell to a family of circus clowns who plan to breed laughing hyenas in the back yard, just out of spite.


Or perhaps you aren’t conducting scientific experiments. Perhaps the noise I hear is actually your children shooting off these fireworks. Excellent move on your part! I guess you won’t have to worry about their X-Box addiction when they blow half of their fingers clean off. Oh, and you’ll be able to turn off the V-Chip on your television: It’s hard to see adult content when you lose your eyes to a misguided Bottle Rocket! Let me get this straight: You won’t let your children run with scissors in the house because “it’s dangerous”, but exploding small armaments in the middle of the night is A-OK? Let me guess: You also won’t let them eat fast food, but it’s OK if they nibble on shards of broken glass from time to time, right?


Let’s take a second and look at a calendar. July 4 is on a Wednesday this year. Oh…look at this, it also happens to fall in July. What the crap are you celebrating on Thursday, June 28th? Is Mr. Miyagi’s Birthday really a celebration worthy of pyrotechnics? I think not.


Please, please, please let us sleep. Save the fireworks until July 4th. Have at them on the actual holiday. Until then, there’s no need.



PS: Humor-blogs.com suggested that, if you continue your nighttime pyrotechnic activities, you mix in some heavy drinking. Five times the fun and only double the casualties!

CrummyJoel thanks his father Bruce for suggesting the recipient of this weeks’ crummy letter.


15 Comments so far
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thank you CrummyJoel for this pointed, well-punctuated and PARTICULARLY HILARIOUS “crummy” letter!

and thank you CrummyBruce, for suggesting your son write it. here’s hoping those neighbors get the message. i’m thinking they will, if you spell it out in their driveway using those Black Snake thingies. 😉

Comment by One Hot Puppy

We have a former neighbor who would be a perfect compliment to yours. Somehow we must get them together – just for the torment sake. Not that I’m the vengeful sort…it would just be fun.

Nice crummy letter.

Comment by BoBo

We have a neighbor who yells at their dog all friggin’ day. All day long it’s “JADE! Stop that!” “JADE! Get over here!” “JADE! Be quiet!”

When we were debating what color to paint our house, I suggested that we paint the side of our house facing theirs black, and then write in giant hot pink letters “JADE!”

I like the black snake thingy idea too.

Comment by Diesel

Whatever happened to celebrating the 4th of July on the 4th of July?! Damn annoying neighbors. Our tale of annoyance involves the neighbor’s dogs being let out for a frolic and what sounds like preparation for dog fights at 5:00 am. Grrrrrrr!

I totally understand cave dwelling. Don’t get me started on little drummer boy two houses in the other direction. Thanks Joel, I’ve vented. These sessions are working out nicely.

Comment by Lampsha

4 years ago (when my son was a newborn), my neighbors spent half the summer shooting firecrackers directly AT my house….specifically my son’s window. Now THERE is a reason for justifiable neighbor violence. 😉

Comment by Michelle

Hey Lampsha…we too have a drummer boy right next door. He prefers evenings and late night for his practice sessions – of course.

Comment by BoBo

Man, the blogosphere is quiet today. TOO quiet.

Anybody have any fireworks?

Comment by Diesel

Your post put me in a state of boisterous merriment and caused me to convulse with laughter.

Comment by diamatik

Diesel: you’re SO right. should we be concerned by the fact that not even CrummyJoel showed up for his crummy post? yowza. ah well, maybe everyone decided to heed his letter — and are planning to let loose with one hellacious brouhaha tomorrow.

that said, the only fireworks around here are the ones that will go off as soon as our youngest son gets home from wherever the hell he is. (currently it’s 2:17 AM, and i’m playing “worried mom” to the max. which explains why i’m up at the moment, commenting on your, um, comment.) 😉

Comment by snuppy

Thanks everyone. I was out of town for a few days for a concert (The Police, reunited at last) so I was unable to comment.

Hope everyone enjoyed it a lot, and my trip to the concert left me with enough ammo for another music-themed crummy letter.

Comment by CrummyJoel

you tell em, beezy.


Comment by anon

CrummyJoel: i’m looking forward to hearing about the concert! i was just reading about it this morning — and i’m dying to know if the opening band (featuring Sting’s son) was any good. sorry to know you wound up with “crummy letter ammo” because of your experience, tho’ i’m guessing your pain will certainly be our pleasure. but only from a “funny post” standpoint, i hasten to add — not because anyone wanted you to have a, er, crummy time. 😉 xox

Comment by snuppy

The opening band was called “FictionPlane”, featuring Sting’s son on bass and lead vocals, a guitarist, and a drummer. Yep, a 3 piece. Sound familiar?

They were actually quite good live. I am going to head over to TheirSpace and check out their stuff and see how it sounds recorded.

I was skeptical at first, but they were quite good.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Oh, and “anonymous”…don’t you have homework or something to do?

Comment by crummyjoel

[…] Tuesday October 30th 2007, 7:38am Filed under: crummy letters Hi, neighbor.  You may recall that the last time I ranted in your direction, it was about the number, frequency, timing, and volume of the fireworks you were shooting off. I […]

Pingback by Dear Crummy Neighbor (Part II) « Central Snark

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