Central Snark

Woody? He Would. by Snuppy
Friday, 13 July 2007, 7:56am
Filed under: Sex, Ed?

gidget dreams about a boyHAHAHA. Sometimes we crack ourselves up before we even start posting, never more than when we’ve come up with a particularly hilarious title. Not that today’s title is all that hilarious, mind you, but, well, we just watched an especially funny episode of Robot Chicken, and we’re still in a really good mood. But, as so often happens when we watch funny stuff on TV, we digress.

TODAY we’d like to revisit a topic on Sex, Ed? that we’ve discussed before, mostly because we find ourselves in need of a little advice. And that topic is: Dating. Actually, WE don’t need advice, but our son, does. Not that he wants advice, mind you, truth be told, he’s more likely to tell us to shove our well-intended words up our well-tended asses than follow anything “helpful” we have to offer. Nonetheless, in our never-ending desire to enjoy that “empty nest syndrome” so many of our friends keep talking about, we’d like to see our son meet a “nice” girl, start dating, get married, and settle down. In another state. Maybe in another state located along the coast opposite from the one on which we live. Unfortunately, at 23, our son hasn’t had much luck with that whole “dating” thing. Oh, he’s had “luck”… sadly, it was with a crack-whore hose-beast of a slut, who’s name shall forevermore remain…Succubus*. Actually, we’re pretty sure he’s had a “good” time with a couple of other losers women over the past few years, but, as parents are inclined to do, we continue to wait with bated breath for the day he brings home the girl of our dreams and/or mother of our future grandchildren. Hopefully, they’ll be one in the same.

ANYWAY, after leafing through a few Less-Than-Helpful books designed to walk someone through the “art” of dating (“Dating for Dummies”, “Idiot’s Guide to Dating“, “It’s a Date, Stupid, Not Rocket Science!“) we finally stumbled over a 1940’s film called “Dating Do’s and Don’ts” that really filled in a few blanks. Or maybe we blanked out while watching it, and only think it’s chock full of Helpful Dating Information. The fact that the main character’s name is “Woody” speaks volumes. Oh, maybe not “volumes” about today’s topic, but “volumes” nonetheless.

THANK goodness Woody didn’t try to date that little bitch, Janice. And we tend to agree with the announcer’s assessment on Betty. She wouldn’t be much fun because, let’s face it, she’s ugly. We bet Janice thinks so, too. We knew Woody found his winner the minute we heard that Ann knew how to “have fun” AND “make a fellow relax in order to have fun, too!” Besides, did anyone else notice the zeal with which she attacked her cotton candy? We might be wrong, but we’re bettin’ she was equally enthusiastic once she wrapped her lips around Woody’s, um, ear. That Ann.


Eventually, Woody did find the girl of his dreams on Humor-blogs.com. Despite the fact she was a figment of someone else’s imagination, they lived happily ever after.


27 Comments so far
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*for anyone who actually reads that old post i linked to, it should be noted that ultimately, young Betty turned out to be only slightly better than Succubus. So slight, in fact, we now refer to her as Succubus β€œlite”.

so MANY things that now seem wrong and/or hilarious about this particular film. my favorites include the part where Ann is lecturing her little sister on the “rules” of dating (“I think the most important thing about a date is to have fun!” “Make sure the boy has enough money left over…” she claims it’s so he can take her out again, but i think we know what she really means. hotel rooms weren’t cheap, even back then…especially if the young couple was intent on “having fun”.) and i adore hearing Woody’s mom talk about her first date. hello? the guy was an hour late, and by the time he arrived her hair and makeup were a mess and had to be redone? HUH?

and don’t get me started on “symbolism”. did anyone catch the shape of those balloons at the carnival? and what’s up with hot dogs?? is it me, or is that all kids ate back then?

ah well… the GOOD NEWS for one and all is that tomorrow my NBFF, the clever and brilliant DJ LAMPSHA will take over the reins of the Snark for another of her fabulous Saturday Spins… talk about someone who knows how to “have fun”! wait… that didn’t come out right, did it? πŸ™„

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Ok, I can#t find head phones in this lovely onterent caffee and I am so not gonna talk to the dude at the counter again … so I won’t be able to listen to this video.

Advices and ideas on dating? Allow me to laugh πŸ™‚ The only rule is: there are no rules! Mwaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh! Sadly, very true.

From what i know he is a gorgeous and really warm person, he’ll get there in the end, but first- at 23- hes has a bit of finding himself to do, before he can combine that with another consept of self.

It takes longer for some. *looks at herself in the mirror and smiles knowingly*.

Empty nest syndrome…many a parents ambition I am sure! You should ask mine πŸ˜‰

Comment by Penguin

Boy that Janice wears a lot of make-up. We know what kind of girl that makes her. Yes I noticed how Ann dug into that candy floss voraciously. They both really but their faces right into it! But from the way Woody reads methinks he has plenty of problems. Not smooth at all. All stopping and starting.

But Ann: “We’ll have fun. We’re just that way.” Wink wink nudge nudge. Then again with Woody’s stopping and starting…maybe not.

Am going out drinking tarting partying tomorrow night so who knows what kind of trouble fun I’ll get into so who knows…maybe there will be an lbp post!

Comment by littlebluepill

What the hell is a “hi-teen” carnival? Sounds like every carnival I ever went to.

My fav line… “dad, were you excited on the night of your first date?” “I sure was!” I’ll bet he was eh eh nudge nudge wink wink.

Comment by Jeff

Hey lbp – you stole my nudge wink thing before I could finish my comment. Not fair, now I look like a copycat. D’oh!

Comment by Jeff

Okay first off…Woody is clearly “special” cause he had a helluva time reading the note. It was painful! Could kids not read in the 40’s?

We are yearning for the day we experience “empty nest syndrome” but rapidly losing hope that it will happen in our lifetime. (did that sound bitter?)

Comment by BoBo

Penguin! oh, to know you’re even connected to the blogosphere in any way, shape, and/or form is a treat! as for our “boy”? heh heh… with luck (and a few more dates under his, uh, belt), he should be fine. i just hope Bobo and i live long enough to see it. oy πŸ™„

LBP: yeah, that Janice is a ‘ho, FO SHO. but Ann just seemed like loads of fun. that said, i can’t remember if we got to see her bite into one of those delicious hot dogs, but i’m guessin’ she did it with gusto! and, i believe you already know how i feel about any and all posts you decide to write, my lovely friend! the space is here when you’re ready to fill it. (sounds like a cheesy line that “ho” Ann might have said to “Woody” on their second date…) πŸ˜‰

Jeff: yeah — “hi-teen”, sounds like a pot party, doesn’t it? at first i wondered if i had posted “Reefer Madness” by mistake. i’m sure you and LPB can figure out who was doin’ the nudging and who was doin’ the winking and who was doin’ both! *nudge nudge/wink wink* oooh, and speaking of LITTLE BLUE PILLS, truth be told, i came thisclose to linking to that hilarious post you did yesterday — what with the title of this post/the subject matter of your post, and all. but you don’t have your blog set up for “permanent links” my friend. so get on that, and we can get it on with the, um, er, linkage. πŸ™‚

i also realize a lot of you folks may be pressed for time in those various cubicles and/or offices of yours, but everyone should definitely try to check out that Robot Chicken link when you all get a chance. this was a special Star Wars parody — that even had a cameo featuring George Lucas. i’m tellin’ ya, it’s WAY too funny! unless none of you kids are Star Wars fans, that is. in which case never mind… πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

Bobo: “empty nest”… sounds like a dream, doesn’t it? sigh. what were you saying the other day about “arranged marriages”?

as for Woody being “special”. yeah… guessing he’ll spend most of his life dating Rosie Palms. poor kid. d’oh! πŸ™„ xox

Comment by snuppy

Jeff: my wink is your nudge. Or is it my nudge is your wink?

Comment by littlebluepill

Sure Snuppy – just call me good time Lampsha. πŸ˜‰

LBP, I too noticed how Ann tore into her cotton candy. Sure Woody, Ann knows how to make a guy comfortable as she simulates oral gratification on a mound of cotton candy. Was it something else perhaps she made you feel?

Oh this is all so tawdry, and the perfect break I needed right now. I think if you show your son this flick he feel like Rico Suave in comparison and will thus be an ego booster. It can’t hurt!

Okay, since I’m home today that means I have no time right now. So have a great day and see you all later!


PS: So nice to see little Penguin back in the mix!

Comment by LAMPSHA

Snuppy – You’re like the 4th person to ask me to turn on permalinks, but until *you* asked, it just didn’t seem important enough.

There… done!

Now if I ever post anything clever enough for you to want to link to again, you should be all set. Thanks for inspiring me to get off my butt and read some help text.

Comment by Jeff

WooHoo, let the good times roll! I like how his mom tells him “don’t overdo on dating”. If only she could see Ann go at that cotton candy. I don’t think she would approve of the little hussy after all…
On my recent trip my future BIL ‘the rocket scientist, for reals’ showed me the robot chicken thingy, and yes it was Hi-larious!
My oldest son is away for a week and I am Not worrying about him. Really, I’m not -outa sight, outa mind! A year ago his girlfriend broke his heart and now he thinks (still!) all girls (except his sainted mother of course) are bitches. Hummm.

Comment by Claire

LBP: as long as you’re nudging, and Jeff’s, um, winker stays put, i’m thinkin’ it’s all good! πŸ˜‰

Lampsha: “good time Lampsha”? hahahahahaha! all i can say is that i had a lot of fun on OUR fist date… *wink wink/nudge nudge*

i always lovelovelove it when you’re home, because that’s when you seem to be the very busiest. you go girl — just don’t forget about tomorrow. (i need a break from all this “fun”, i reallyreally do!) πŸ™„

Jeff: like a tourniquet, i’ll always be here to apply unbearable pressure that will probably help, yet cause an untoward amount of pain. no, wait, scratch that. i’m NOTHING like a tourniquet. maybe a flimsy little bandaid, but that’s about it. πŸ˜‰

oooh – looky here — i came back in (with a “comment edit”) to LINK TO THAT HILARIOUS POST!!! well done, Jeff, well done!

Claire: don’t think i don’t RUE the day i told both our sons “you guys don’t get to start dating until you’re at least 30. and forget about getting married… no girl will EVER be good enough!” at this rate, i’m thinkin’ we’ll be lucky to get both boys out of the house before we’re so old they have to put us into a home. yikes. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

My favorite part is Woody’s joyful whistle at the end that says, “Man, I am so beating off tonight!”

I take issue with the “How do you say goodbye?” advice though. I’ll have you know that I’ve used both method #1 (“The Wolfman”) and method #2 (“The Package Drop”) to great success.

Comment by Diesel

Snuppy, when you said “just don’t forget about tomorrow”, I got quite nervous that I was supposed to be at a place until a time! I quickly realized you meant the Spin which is (miracle of miracles) in the queueueue!

Come to think of it – there was that cotton candy dessert at that restaurant on one of our first-ish dates πŸ˜‰


Comment by LAMPSHA

Diesel: yeah — i thought that whistle said “dead kittens, coming (heh) up!”, too. poor Woody. poor kitten. guessing you have had at least some success… i mean, those two gorgeous kids didn’t just pop outta nowhere. πŸ˜‰

Lampsha: “at a place until the time”… heh. WITH that cotton candy! yep… that was us. ah… golly, did i look as slutty as Ann whilst dipping into that pink confection on our table? it’s a wonder you agreed to see me again. speaking of which, DON’T THINK i’ve forgotton about your birthday that i remembered last week on the blog but not in an e-mail and/or with a call or card. (did you follow all that?) i have a GIFT for you, missy… oh yes, and i intend to give it to you not unlike the way Ann was “giving it” to her cotton candy. only, um, you know, not. wait, what am i saying here?… you had a birthday. check. i have a gift for you. check. i need to give it to you. double check. it won’t be ANYWHERE near my mouth. CHECKMATE. whew. that was almost embarrassing. almost. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

Wow, I just can’t keep up with your blog skilz. First you challenge me with permafrost or whatever it’s called, then you’re all “comment edits” on the backside. How do you do it girl? HOW DO YOU DO IT?!!

Comment by Jeff

Jeff: heh. trust me… it’s no big deal. that is, it’s no big deal if you’re bloggin’ on WordPress. sadly, Blogger offers no such perks. (one of the reasons this silly blog was started in the first place was to provide a “haven” for those of us who wanted to bitch, whine and otherwise complain about the evil ways of Blogger… ) anyway, i have to say, it’s nice to have the luxury of “correcting” something left in the comment section… tho’ sometimes, i confess, it’s tempting to go in and change someone else’s comment, too. not to worry, i haven’t done that yet, and, as far as i know, none of the other Snark administrators have, either. that said, there’s always a first time… πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

Hi-Teen Carnival? Holy shit the 50’s sucked. No wonder people were into sock hops then. I am also disappointed at this video for failing to note potential to ‘score’ as one of the factors for picking out a date for a high school dance.

They come close by making looks a key, but don’t take the concept to it’s end. The hot slutty girls in high school get the dates. Lots of them.

I also love the examples in this video. First there is Janice, bitch on wheels. Because the boy in this video is not Brad Pitt he stands little chance in hell of winning her affection. And when she gives that look of disapproval when he only manages to hit the 25 point balloon with the dart, you know he’s done.

Yet he seems to enjoy the ridicule.

Then there is Betty who seems that she wouldn’t be much fun. Translation: She’s not as good looking as Ann or Janice and she’s boring.

Next up is Ann who is chowing down on the cotton candy like a fiend and laughing at everything said by the boy. I suspect she has been previously smoking trees and going by her description that ‘she likes to have fun’ I am thinking 9 on the score meter.

It is no wonder he picks her. πŸ™‚

Comment by Chris C

also wanted to add the Star Wars Robot Chicken Special was really funny. I like how it was a collage of the old stuff and the new. Most of it new.

The Bobba Fett/Han Solo bit was kinda creepy though πŸ™‚

Comment by Chris C

Chris: yeah — i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: with Helpful Films on Dating, Sex, etc. like this, it’s a wonder any of us are here! seriously, how those kids in the 40’s & 50’s were able to procreate is beyond me. oh well… as for that Star Wars parody? sooo glad you liked it! i recognized the older stuff, too, and just loved the “newer” pieces…tho’, i agree with you, that Bobba Fett/Han Solo one was definitely creepy. still, it was funny as hell when Fett was doin’ his “you lookin’ at me?” bit, don’t ya think? πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

Dear Snuppy…I’m still lerking around on the back roads of Blogsville and I must say I’m glad you had a day off today (Saturday)…..Sooooo…..I’m glad you had a day off today! You are so prolific! You have been working overtime since The Queen went on holiday, and you’re doing a great job of it.

I really chuckled at this theme and it’s comments. I began dating in 1959, and just TODAY, a friend and I were talking about this very topic and agreed that we were lucky to be part of the 50’s. It was easy to be a kid then. Things were simple. There were simple rules and we were simple enough to follow them without many questions. I was in College in Canada when students in the U.S. started questioning the rules of society. It took a few years to filter up here. We hadn’t heard of bullying kids for fun, drugs, drinking at fifteen, gangs, shooting people because we didn’t like them and we had very little knowledge of sex. ( One day, about 1956, in class, a girl asked the teacher what petting was. We were all shocked that she was so bold, but the rest of us listened with high interest because we didn’t know either…hahaha, the real hoot was, this was an all girls high school and the teacher was a nun. Her answer was, “You can kiss above the neck. Below the neck is petting.” That… and a book on “The Female Body” was all the sex ed most of us got.

Music, dancing and group dates to the movies and parties at home (every weekend) with more music and more dancing got us through to our late teens. Did I mention the music and dancing? We had a great time (was going to say “ball”, then thought better of it:-)

Did I hear somebody say, “The 50’s sucked.”? We had the time of our lives and wish all kids, since then, could experience that joyful time too. Today’s parents of teens (having been born after the 50’s)would not believe how care-free those years were. Our parents worried about us getting our driver’s licenses and denting the car, (which I did several times) not driving drunk and taking lives.

There were no home security systems in the 50’s, (too early) neither were there any chastity belts. (too late) I think the fifties were pretty close to perfect.

Did I digress a little? Smiles and love…….Judy

Comment by J.D.

I said the 50’s sucked. πŸ™‚

Of course i am not saying your personal life experience during that decade sucked, just a statement that simplicity also can be boring.

One thing has remained though, the high school dance. Through all we have been through, this remains a tradition to this day.

I hate dancing.

Comment by Chris C

J.D.: YAY! i’m so happy to know you’re still checking in! i knew you were keeping “tabs” on that son of yours, but i wasn’t sure if you had the time (and/or inclination) to visit any of your other friends! and thank you for that lovely compliment! i tell ya, i’ll be mighty glad when teh Penguin gets back from her travels… tho’ i AM happy to note she seems to be having a terrific time (i confess i worried that son of yours would try to convince her to stick around Amsterdam a few more days… heh heh.)

thank you for the rest of that fabulous comment, too! i think there’s a good reason folks are so nostalgic for the ’50’s. it was a kinder/gentler time in many ways. so much optimism back then, especially since it came on the heels of WWII. (the Korean War, notwithstanding). there’s a lot to be said for naΓ―vetΓ©, and that was still in abundance (to a certain extent) back then. by the time i was dipping into the dating pool, folks were protesting the war in Vietnam War, and attitudes about a lot of things were… different.

music and dancing you say? sounds magical. πŸ™‚

Chris: spoken like a true 20-something. i was never big on “dancing” either, until i discovered the joys of expressing my own “moves” in the privacy of my own kitchen. no point forcing anyone else to watch — not sure that would be good for anyone. (just ask my husband) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

πŸ™‚ I think the 50’s were a “had to be there” thing. Only we, who lived through it, know for sure. I polled my friends and not a single one would trade that “kinder/gentler” time for the bumpy road called youth today…too many pot holes πŸ™‚

Hubby and I aren’t dancers now either, but THEN, it was a great way to get up close and personal. hahaha…hey! I feel that should be telling me something.

Thursdays have been really lacking something special without the Queen’ssssss Quizzzzzzz!……Judy

Comment by J.D.

Today my new niece Emma was baptized and Erick and I were her god parents. We went over to my brothers castle and spent the afternoon in the sun. We discussed dating a lot today, I think EVERYONE in attendance asked her why she isn’t dating. I admit it must stink when your older sibs are married, and getting to be OLD and married as each day passes. The highlight of my day was hearing my grandma tell my sister she should have went to the christan music festival “Sunshine” that is held in my hometown. Keep in mind I was never allowed to go to such things because of all the pot smoking and sex. (My small town would sell out of condoms on Friday night, the same day the festival started.) Anywhoo I laughed how my sister is encouraged to go to such an event – Me? I’m prevented. When I asked if Grandma was suggesting Kathie go smoke pot and have sex she laughed and said “She is 25 years old, she is going to be an old maid if she doesn’t get crackin’!” My sister has crappy dating habits. But I haven’t actually met anyone she has dated since the guy who told Erick and I at dinner that he was sure glad my sister had a good job (she teaches at the community college) because it was his life long goal to go to professional wrestling school. So its not just your son Snuppy…. my sister is in the same boat!

Comment by cj

J.D.: “had to be there”… heh heh, yeah, i’m guessing that’s true. (pretty true for most generations, now that i think about it!) oooh, and i couldn’t agree with you more about teh Penguin’s “quizzes”! maybe i’ll have to come up with an “interim” brain-teaser, in case she doesn’t have time to do one before taking off on the 2nd leg of Teh Penguin Birthday Tour! πŸ˜‰

CJ: “…doesn’t get cracking”? laughing and laughing here. your grandmother sounds like a total hoot. funny how folks “mellow” out in their old age, eh? pretty sure 25 is still too YOUNG to qualify as anything close to Old Maid! now… tell me about your brother’s “castle”? what’s up with that??? πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

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