Central Snark

Dear David Milch by Snuppy
Wednesday, 18 July 2007, 9:54am
Filed under: funny..., tube sucks

hump in the roadWHOA. That was some funny crummy hump-in-the-road related letter NOT-SO-CRUMMY JOEL wrote for us yesterday, wasn’t it? Why yes, yes it was. Trust us when we tell you we laughed and laughed and laughed. Mostly because the letter made perfect sense. Pot holes? Seen ’em. Crappy American made cars? Had one. Disdain for a city government incapable of helping crank up it’s image to any thing worthwhile, hoping the words: “Drive as fast as you can through this metropolitan nightmare and pray to whatever god you have that you never find yourself living here” might score points with tourists? Hey, we lived in Fresno back when it was the “Least Livable City in the US“, and that was its motto.

NATURALLY, none of that has anything to do with today’s post. We just wanted to take a moment to nod vigorously in the general direction of someone capable of writing in a fashion both coherent AND entertaining, before offering up one of our own “crummy” letters to someone who seems to have lost that skill. Please bear with us while we attempt to get this off our chest. But don’t look, because once this is off our chest, our chest, which was rather ample once upon a time, will be bare. Maybe droopy. Whatever our chest is, we don’t want the likes of you staring. We’re nothing, if not modest. If any of that made sense to you, chances are you “get” the show we’re about to bitch slap, and will be excused from reading further. If the word fuck offends you, you should have stopped reading one sentence sooner.

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Dear David Milch (if that’s your real name):

We may not be your biggest fans, but we have been great admirers of your work over the past several years. Heck, we were glued to our sets each week, during your NYPD Blue heyday. Well, we were until you killed off Bobby, that is. After he “died”, we were pretty upset. Oh, we tried to watch during the “Rick Shroder” phase, but we kept seeing him as that kid in the film about a man who hit other men really hard until he died, and we had to stop. Besides, all that death, alcoholism, and destructive behavior? Truth be told, eventually NYPD got a little too NYPD-pressing for our tastes, if you catch our drift, and we’re guessing you don’t.

Then you came out with one of the best shows ever. And by “best shows ever”, we mean, DEADWOOD. David (may we call you David?) that was just fanfuckingtastic television. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. We were horribly and/or fuckingly disappointed when it was cancelled. Did we say “fuckingly disappointed”? Make that fuckingly verklempt. Then we realized the words “fuck” “fucking”, “fuckingly”, and/or “fuckilicious” were sneaking into our everyday vocabulary on a more regular fucking basis than was proper and/or fucking acceptable, so we decided the cancellation was a fucking blessing after all, and we let our fucking anger go. The fact that we knew we’d be treated to not one, but two 2 hour “movies” fucking softened the fucking blow, but that’s beside the fucking point. The point, which was fucking with our mood a minute ago, is that Deadwood was fucking awesome.

duke kanahamokuNow, David, as your new best friends, we feel it’s our right and/or duty to ask you a small editorial question regarding your newest creative effort, currently featured on HBO, i.e. JOHN FROM CINCINNATI. Uh, David? WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHOW ABOUT? Wait… perhaps it would help if we shared a few things about this surf-related “television of the absurd” program that we know and/or wish we knew, but don’t:

1. John. From Cincinnati. Crosses the border from Mexico into California. Looks for Butchie. Maybe for directions on how to take a world class dump. Parrots the words spoken by everyone else. Might be an alien, might be an angel, might be a retard. Has “magic” pockets filled with money and/or credit cards.

2. Huh?

3. Bruce Greenwood levitates while wearing a wet suit.

4. Dead bird and/or surfer boy — both not so dead, after all.

5. Good actors who can’t surf. Bad actors who can surf. Show set in a fictitious So Cal beach town with at least one funkified surf shop, owned by main characters. NO extended scenes involving the actual sport of surfing.

6. HUH?

7. NYPD and/or Deadwood-esque dialog. In Southern California. Dude.

8. Luke Perry is a conniver. And he’s, like, old.

9. The guy who played Al Bundy plays a guy named Bill who talks to a parakeet named Zippy. John (From Cincinnati) manifests himself in 3 or 4 different places, in order to sermonize to the entire cast — whether they’re in the scene, or not — about circles, lines, zeros and ones, walls, boning, dumping, and/or the Father. The Father who is not their Father, but may be John’s Father, who may or may not be in Cincinnati, even as John sermonizes. Cassie’s camera, Cissy NOT teaching her son how to masturbate, Shaun parented by his porn-queen mom over a tuna sandwich, someone coming on someone else’s face, and so forth and so on.

10. HUFUCKINGUH????????

David, David, David. Have you lost your fucking marbles? Or have we??? What were we doing with your fucking marbles in the first place, David? Our head hurts, and that’s never a good thing. In closing, David, we’re begging you to please, for the love of Bobby (may he rest in peace), surfersexplain to us, once and for all, what’s going on. And, David, if possible, it would really help if you could do so before next week. Believe it or not, David, we plan to keep watching John From Cincinnati, but we’re convinced it would be a hell of a lot more entertaining and/or fuckalicious, if we knew one thing: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHOW ABOUT?

Thank you for your time, David. And so forth, and so on.


PS: David, don’t think we weren’t more than a little chagrined to learn those 2 Deadwood “movies” were, in fact, someone’s sick-ass idea of a joke. Well, look at our faces, David. Are we laughing?

PPS: David, it recently occurred to us that HAHAHA is nothing but a bunch of oddly connected straight lines, to someone who can’t read Humor-blogs.com.


15 Comments so far
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TRUST ME when i say i realize most of you could care less about my (and BoBo’s) viewing habits on any given night. it’s just that last Sunday’s episode of John From Cincinnati was so mind-boggling bizarre, we re-watched the ending 3 times, and STILL couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on.

if any of you can shed a little light in order to clear up our confusion, it would be GREATLY appreciated.

PS: sorry for all the fucking “bad” language. sometimes i start typing and i don’t know WHAT the fuck i’m saying, until it’s too fucking late. 🙄

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Laughing and agreeing 100%. Amazing that I can laugh after this morning’s 2.5 hour commute.

jillion cars + rain = parking lot

Comment by BoBo

Holy fucking. There was a lot of fucking in this post and no one got naked…not even in the synopsis!!

Have heard of this John from Cincinnati (WKRP maybe…there was a John on that show and really after Dr. Johnny Fever then can really be no other John’s from Cincinnati…just saying.)

So he’s a preacher like guy? Maybe it was supposed to be called Sinsin Aty? That may help with the guy talking to bird. Wow…that sounds so raunchy in my head.

My mind is apparently on that bent. Hm. Perhaps I should do a Friday post. I think it was all the fuckingly awesome fucks. Was it good for you? Was great for me!

Comment by littlebluepill

Well, fuck.
I fucking totally missed NYPD-pressing, Deadwood, the Deadwood movies, and now I am pretty sure I will fucking skip John from Sinsinatea, just cuz he pissed off my beloved Snuppy.
Fuck him and the rarely featured surf board he rode in on.

Comment by logo™

Haha and ha! What is this show about? Of course, I had a growing sense in the pilot episode that I wouldn’t figure it out after the whole season, so I jumped off the surfboard that apparently nobody ever got on (which might have been a draw to continue watching) after that. I have wondered if it picked up any coherency, seems not.

However, like Bobo, I spent 2.5 hours commuting too and am not too coherent either. Perhaps a surfboard for the trip home would be good.

Also, insert Logo’s perfect comment here for me too – double!

Fanfuckingtabulous post Snup. And by the way, how is Big Love heating up? I haven’t tuned back in there either and I was a devoted follower since Season One. Let me know. And thanks XOX

Comment by Lampsha

This is completely off topic and in no way remotely funny, but today is our 20th wedding anniversary.

You may now proceed with your blogging. 😛

Comment by Brian

BoBo: so you’re saying i can save my latest silly “dance” for another day/bad commute? good to know. 😉

LBP: fuck yeah, girlfriend! POST AWAY! and, please, for heaven’s sake (not to mention mine) do it soon!! (i’m thinking Friday would be a great time to get back into your “snarky/sexy” groove…) “guy with the talking bird”? HAHAHAHAHAHA. raunchy, and more than a little funny! 🙂

logo™: yeah, fuck ’em all if they can’t take a joke and/or let us see a little more surfing. OR make sense. tellin’ ya, this show gets curiouser and curiouser by the week. yikes. 😉

Lampsha: fanfuckintabulous is a word i wish i had thought of in time for this fucking post. heh heh. sooooo sorry you and BoBo both had such lousy commutes today. too bad you didn’t have your Woodies (remember those?), complete with surf boards on top. (wait… there’s that Woodie again… yeesh. there’s no keeping that guy “down”, is there??) 😉

Brian: happy anniversary! 20 years is a nice round number — and quite a landmark, too boot! the thing i’ve noticed about being married to someone you love for a long period of time, is that it just gets better and better each and every year. congratulations! 🙂

Comment by snuppy

I’ll consider myself warned.

Comment by claire

I’ve never heard of it, but it sounds downright odd. Like Twin Peaks meets… um, something weirder than Twin Peaks.

And btw, I’ve also never seen Deadwood, which stars Timothy Olyphant, who is from Modesto, which is currently the least livable city in the U.S., and just south of me. Also, he was in Die Hard 4. Which was pretty good.

And that, my friends, is the circle of life.

Comment by Diesel

Hey, do you remember Push, Nevada? That was cool.

Comment by Diesel


Comment by Diesel

What? Kind of a David Lynch meets Harry Potter meets Married with Children kind of a thing?

I just filled out my Nielsen book. We watched News, Jeopardy, Daily Show. Period.
And once a show about pirates on the history channel, for Toyplayer.

Comment by weirsdo

maybe I have been away too long or I am high…but this was one hilarious post. That was well written, snuppy!

Sometimes Europe and its television seems to be an easier place, less strong-worded. We suck all the friggin’ time, hence nothing new :)I don’t own a Tv, have I mentioned?!

I mean the title of that show alone, should have been a hint to not wtahcing it 😉

brilliant post snuppy!

Comment by Penguin

From the outside, it looks like it has potential. I’ve always thought Luis Guzman was intense and Rebecca De Mornay was hot. Although I never cared for Jennifer Grey too much. The important thing is – does Becca get naked?

Comment by Jeff

Claire: the show may be confusing, but that doesn’t mean it’s bad. that said, it’s SO confusing, it might be bad, and we’re just too dumb to know it. 😉

Diesel: i’ll be impressed when you can show me his connection to Kevin Bacon. or a BLT. actually, they threw dead bodies to the hogs on Deadwood (very yuck) so i believe i just came up with the Olyphant/bacon connection on my own. wow. now that’s the “circle of life”. especially when you add in that “Push, Nevada” thing and remember my name is Neva. those things combined also make about as much sense as John From Cincinnati. 🙄

Mrs. Weirsdo: you and i watch the SAME damn programs, sister/girlfriend! or we would, if you started watching John From Cincinnati…and i started watching Jeopardy (if you love The Daily Show, you’ll lovelovelove The Colbert Report) 😉

Penguin: thank you for such high praise, sweet friend. as for the “title” being the clue for NOT watching? in some weird way, the title was the reason i wanted to watch! 😉

Jeff: i’m laughing, right now, because until you mentioned her, i didn’t realize Jennifer Grey was in the show! i mean, i thought the character she plays looked oddly familiar, but still… since she had that work done on her “nose” (read: entire face) she doesn’t look like herself. or anyone else, for that matter. and no, Becca does not get naked. doesn’t mean she won’t… on the other hand, John From Cincinnati was naked as he tried to take the aforementioned “world class dump, a dump a man could be proud of” in the first episode. so there’s that. 🙄

Comment by snuppy

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