Central Snark

Dear Crummy Customer Service Reps by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 7 August 2007, 9:08am
Filed under: crummy letters

Since one doesn’t normally deal with crummy customer service reps through letters, today’s crummy “letter” is actually a crummy phone conversation. Witness (almost verbatim) my end of the conversation when I attempted to cancel my internet service a few weeks ago.

(Dials 1-800 number)

(Holds for 17 minutes and 8 seconds, waiting for a customer service representative)

– (snapping to attention, startled by the voice at the other end) Hello?!? Yes, I’d like to cancel my internet service.

– Social Security Number? Sure, it’s XXX-XX-XXXX

– Windsor, Ontario Canada. May 24, 1976.

– Brush. She married into “Bezaire”.

– O positive.

– I believe that’s known as “The Pythagorean Theorem”. Look, can we get a move on, I just want to cancel my internet service!

– Because I’m moving, and where I am moving has internet provided.

– No, I’m fairly certain that where I am moving has internet provided.

– Because I’ve used it before.

– No, I don’t need to wait to see if it “still works”. I just want to cancel.

– It’s in the contract. I signed the contract. They signed the contract. The contract said “Internet provided”. It’s pretty cut and dry, actually.

– No, the internet they provide is not through your company.

– No, I’m pretty sure that they don’t want to “switch”. I’m just a tenant. I’m not in charge of the place.

– “Talk to someone”?!? No, I couldn’t just “talk to someone”. I just want to cancel.

– NO. Look, you realize that I had a dial-up account, right? My new place has high-speed. I’m pretty sure the other tenants don’t want me to organize a meeting where we can discuss the merits of regressing to a dial-up connection…


– (under breath) Crap.

(Holding for another 9 minutes and 13 seconds, waiting for a “Customer Service Manager“)

– Yes, I am calling to cancel my internet.


– Windsor, Ontario Canada. May 24, 1976.

– Brush. She married into “Bezaire”.

– O positive, and the answer to the next question is “The Pythagorean Theorem”, and all I want to do is cancel my freaking internet. Stop charging me money, and you may cancel my account.

– I TOLD the last guy, the place I am moving to already HAS internet.

– NO it’s not with you guys.

– I’VE ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION! JUST STOP TAKING MY MONEY AND I WILL STOP USING THE INTERNET! I don’t know why I have had to talk to two people today when every time I have called for help over the last five years it took an act of Congress to just talk to one person….if you can automate absolutely everything else about your company, why the hell can’t you automate this too?!?

– OK, but these are the last questions I am answering.

– I would rate that a “3” because often the line was busy and I couldn’t get on.

– 4

– 3

– 4

– 2

– It was dial up, that’s why I ranked it so low.

– 5

– 3

– It just was.

– 4

– 4

– 4

– Did you really just ask me about customer service? In the middle of the longest phone call of my life? 1. One. Uno. And only because “Zero” isn’t an option.

– NO DON’T PUT ME ON……*(&^&%(&*

(Holding for another 12 minutes and 53 seconds, waiting on a “Billing Representative”)

– I am calling to cancel my internet.

– XXX-XX-XXXX, and while you’re asking let me give you “Windsor, Ontario Canada”, “May 24, 1976”, “Brush”, “O Positive”, and “The Pythagorean Theorem” and so help me if you put me on hold again I will hunt you down, you and your family, I don’t care how many planes, trains, catamarans, or rickshaws I need to use to find your little outsourcing paradise, I will FIND YOU, and I will….

– Yes.

– Yes.

– Yes, thank you.

– Yes, thank you, you have a good day also…..WAITWAITWAITWAIT….did you just say something about $4.99 a month?

– No, I don’t want to keep “only” my email account…why would you assume that? Are you aware that there are no fewer than DOZENS of free email services all over the internet, all of them with an interface 4000% more useful than the one you gave me with my internet service, which, by the way, I haven’t looked at in the past seven months due to it’s complete lack of user-friendliness. And I KNOW the computer screen you are staring at tells you that I haven’t logged in for months, but you tried to stick me with a monthly charge anyhow. I want ZERO dollars charged to my account from this second forward, and I promise to have ZERO affiliation with your company from this point forward. Understood?

– Thank you. Goodbye.


(Two months later, after receiving my credit card statement).

(Dials 1 800 number)

(After 15 minutes, 3 seconds on hold)

– Hello. I’m calling to see why I am still getting charged for internet service…..

At least humor-blogs.com knows why it was called NetZero.


15 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i was getting ready to publish this hilarious post when the phone rang, and lo and behold, it was a rep from my credit card company. d’oh! 2 hours 17 minutes later i finally convinced Ramalafar i was NOT interested in identity theft protection, for the umpteenth time in 2 months.

kidding, i just overslept, which is what one does when one has a friggin’ head cold-turned-CHEST-cold that won’t go away.

EXCELLENT and oh-so-funny (and sadly way too true) post, Not-at-ALL-crummy CrummyJoel!! *claps*

Comment by One Hot Puppy

I’m sorry about your cold. 😦 Doesn’t seem possible to get a cold with a heat index of 110 degrees but then you walk inside and it’s cold enough to hang meat!

A way excellent post Joel and I find it amazing that every week, just in time for Tuesday, you have a run in with ‘Dear Crummy what’s there face.’ Truly inspiring. 😆

Feel better, One Sick Puppy.

Comment by Brian

Who do I call to compliment n this excellent post?

Comment by Lord Likely

I can’t even laugh over this as it’s so true. I changed internet providers years ago when I followed their instructions and all of a sudden I had no memory in my computer. They gave me the wrong number for Apple Support after saying “I don’t know anything about a Mac.” Did I not say it was a Mac at the beginning? Why yes…yes I did. Frickin’ Telus. It really numbs my bum that they’re my phone company too.

This was, by the way, an awesome post.

Comment by Jenna Howard

Yeah, Jenna, I know what you mean. This post was only a very slight exaggeration over the actual phone conversation. Sad.

Of course, telephone and credit card companies are the same way.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Oh, thanks for all the nice feedback, by the way. I thought this worked better than a letter for this particular subject matter.

Comment by CrummyJoel

“planes, trains, catamarans, or rickshaws”… I think we should get John Hughes to come out of retirement and film that sequel.
One of your better efforts- well done!

Comment by Emily Bezaire

Nicely done Joel. You make aggravation look humorous until I realize that I, myself, have to call a credit card company.

I think I’ll go lay down for a bit.

Comment by DJ LAMPSHA

Mr. Snark. Your ordeal reminds me of mine. Three months after signing on to Earthlink DSL/phone service I was finally up and running. Three on-site service calls. 20 plus calls to the Philippines, India and Nebraska. At the end they offered me a $5 Starbucks card. I accepted. It never came.

Why bother? I don’t know. …Where am I?

Comment by Karl Wolfbrooks

See, this is WHY we live in iceland. The threat to hunt someone down is oh-so-real! It´s gotta be one of teh 300.000 living on this island…give or take a few days…someone will be knocking on your door!

Comment by Penguin

Some time I’ll tell you about the time that Verizon made me disconnect my phone line and reconnect it for no reason, and in the meantime “lost” my DSL service.

I actually believe these letters/calls are getting funnier each time. This was the best one yet. Nice work!

And everybody should go visit the humor blogs review site and tell Joel what a great job he’s doing filling in for me. So he’ll keep doing it.

Comment by Diesel

Good post, and so true. We canceled our dial-up service and switched providers, and they made it as difficult as they possibly could. I actually had to send a signed letter to our old provider, even though I knew all the answers to those questions. It was hard to time this neatly, so that we could start the new service on the 1st of a month. I think I actually screamed–not so refined…Oh, and then, there were problems, at first, with DSL–not our fault–and then the real fun began, with overseas tech support…

I hope your cold is better!

Comment by actonbell

That was a major PIA! I hate being put on hold…

Comment by claire

Thanks, everyone. It’s funny…the posts on Snark I am least excited about seem to get the best response.

I should half-ass it more often.

We’re living with the inlaws for a couple months, and I can’t wait until I have to hook up all of my utilities, etc. again when we hit our new place. More hold time on the phone!!!

Comment by CrummyJoel

Oh, and I hope your cold gets better, OHP!!!

Comment by CrummyJoel

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