Central Snark

Dear Crummy Morning DJ’s by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 14 August 2007, 8:20am
Filed under: crummy letters, funny...

Hi. You don’t know me, but since my alarm clock/radio only has enough reception to pick up one station, I know you all too well. You see every morning at 5:45, I am awoken to the strains of “The Woody and John-Boy Show“, or “Chester and The Fox in the Morning” or “Big Darryl and The Rotten Chalupa“, or whatever the hell stupid name you call yourselves.

Since my crappy alarm clock forces me into your demographic, let me do a quick rundown of “The Top 100 Things I Am Looking For In A Morning Radio Show“:

  1. Traffic and Weather
  2. Music
  3. News

(skip a bit…)

98. A constant tone in A-flat.

99. A garden rake being scraped across a chalkboard.

100. Two failed stand-up comedians cracking lame jokes and laughing impossibly hard at themselves.

Clearly there has been some misunderstanding, because your particular morning show started at #100 at its inception and never frickin’ changed course. I mean ever. Would mixing a song or two in every hour just kill you? Could you not just give me the tiniest hint as to what the temperature is going to be outside? Did nothing newsworthy happen overnight? Anything?!?

Apparently not, since all you are about is the important business of fart jokes, prank phone calls, vague PG-13 sexual innuendo, and constantly teasing up the next round of fart jokes, prank phone calls, and vague PG-13 sexual innuendo (“Up next on ‘The Dignan and Wimpy Wes Show’…another boob joke! (guffaws all around)”).

Let me outline a simple fact of the entertainment industry, outlined by another Top 100 list. This time, it’s “The Top 100 Jobs In Entertainment (Ranked in Order of Prestige)“:

  1. Movie Star
  2. Rock Star
  3. Television Star
  4. Diesel

(skip a bit…)

98. Other Bloggers

99. Andy Dick

100. Wacky Morning DJ’s

Bloggers like me get the slight nod over DJ’s like you due to the fact that Bloggers have a wider reach. Sure radio stations are broadcasting over the internet now, but rest assured: Nobody is listening to you on the internet. Your range on influence is limited to the few saps in a 50-mile radius of your station whose alarm clocks are stuck on your frequency and a few parents who are spineless enough to have completely abdicated authority of their drive-time listening habits to their 12-year olds. And don’t talk to me about “syndication”: If you reach that career “milestone”, it just means adults in other cities with broken alarm clocks and a pre-teen carpool get to try to ignore you.

At least local television personalities have the chance of screwing up so impossibly badly that they wind up on YouTube. When you guys screw up, it sounds like every other mind-numbing second of airtime. Nobody notices and nobody cares, because nobody is really listening. Even those people who call in and say that they love you? They’re calling in just because you’ll put them on the air:

“Hi this is Claire from Springfield and I looooove Muddy Max and The Pigeon on 108.1FM SHREEEEEIIIIIIIKKKK!!!!!!” (In the background, the sound of seven other schoolgirls crammed in a Honda Odyssey giggling ferociously while a 40-something dad contemplates plowing into the next concrete barrier that he sees.)

The one positive thing that can be said for these people is that at least they are not attempting to make a career out of being annoying on the air, unlike yourselves. Then again, they’re hardly thinking about careers at all, what with them just entering puberty and all. Behold…your audience.

Here’s a pretty simple recipe. I dare you to give it a shot:

  1. Play a song.
  2. Play another song.
  3. Weather Report
  4. Traffic Report
  5. News Report
  6. A dick joke, followed by spleen-rupturing peals of laughter

…and I don’t even care about #6!!! I’m just throwing you a bone there (har!) if you will agree to #1-5. I would tolerate a little childishness just to know whether or not I should bring a sweater or take an alternate route to work.

Please try it. If it doesn’t work, I can be one of your prank phone call victims. I promise you that I won’t see it coming a mile away.

Crummy Joel

PS: Humor-blogs.com wants to hear that one song, by that one group…y’know, the one about the girl.


13 Comments so far
Leave a comment

i wish i had time to properly comment on this HILARIOUS post, but i have a doctor’s appointment in the city this morning, and will be needing to get in the shower anysecondnow. (doctor’s are SO funny about personal hygiene, don’t ya know…)

no doubt i’ll listen to the radio on my way in, tho’ i confess i tend to avoid those “morning drive” guys like the plague. nope… i’m an NPR gal all the way. and, after reading this post, i know that’s how i’m gonna stay!

loveloveloved this post, Crummy (but SOOOOO not) Joel!! once again, you ROCK — and WAY better than those “morning DJ’s”, i hasten to add!! 😎

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Dear Crummy Joel,

Isn’t life tough enough without these guys assualting you in the morning? Buck the demographics man! I think you’ll be a happier person when you do. Happier, but with no blog fodder – so there’s that obstacle.

Good luck on your response.


Comment by Lampsha

Oh and by the way, very funny post – particularly liked your “100” lists.

Comment by Lampsha

Funny. So I take it your radio station is stuck on a Mpls frequency huh?

One thing though… I prefer the slightly warmer tone of a B-flat, but I respect your opinion.

Comment by Jeff

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that you NEED these morning DJ’s, Joel. I mean, look at all the crumminess on your blog. You define your online personality by your crumminess, and waking up with some moron screaming at you is the perfect way to get crummy fast. I mean, what if you woke up NOT grouchy? There goes your whole blog. “Joel says, ‘Gee, this sign is right on. This next sign really speaks to me,'” etc. Your morning grouchiness makes life a little funnier for the rest of us. Way to take one for the team, bro.

Comment by the frogster

Crummy Joel: you need to get a cd player. That’s what I do since my radio station frequency only picks up the inbetween static of rock combined with country.

Comment by Charlottalove

hehe great one!

What is scary is how many people actually think they are funny. Then again, vanilla is the most popular flavor of ice cream.

Comment by Chris C

Yes! Thank you! Those morons who laugh incessantly at themselves drive me up the wall. They’re not even remotely funny, just annoying as heck. One of the local Nashville radio stations changed their format last spring, and they now have a pair of these idiots on every morning (they might even be the ones you’re talking about). We can’t stand to listen to that station at work anymore.

Spot on, as usual, Joel.

Comment by Sandi

I loved your example show names. A morning talk show composed of an actual fox, rotten chalupa, and pigeon would be far superior to anything on the air now. In fact, let’s get to work on that, shall we? Great job.

Comment by Emily Bezaire

Yes. YES!!! Do you know what I do? I listen to a radio station over the internet 3 time zones away specifically so that by the time I get up, the morning show is over. The show I miss is called “Free Beer and Hotwings.” Get it, they named themselves after food, because it’s funny!

And do you know what these geniuses do? They do Bart Simpson-like crank phone calls to bars and supermarkets, and then giggle like retarded children when they find someone who will page “Ima Nunorigal Dumbass.”

They also have a guy who interviews celebrities like Henry Winkler, but he talks in a dumb guy voice and pretends to think that the guy’s name is ‘Henry Wiggler.’ Henry Winkler eventually hangs up when he realizes he’s talking to a moron, and then they laugh some more. F—ing idiots.

Man, I should have made this into a post.

Also, I’m #4! I’m #4!

Comment by Diesel

Diesel….the “Free Beer and Hotwings” started about a year ago here in Nashville, and it was the inspiration for my “Rotten Chalupa” name in my made up show in the post. FB & HW is, beyond any shadow of a doubt, the most talent-free display of idiocy I have ever encountered. It may in fact also be the show Sandi is describing.

Emily: I’ve got the Rotten Chalupa, I’ll leave the other two up to you.

Thanks for the comments, everyone!

Comment by CrummyJoel

No, I don’t think the show I’m talking about is FB & HW (unless they’ve changed the morning show again–I wouldn’t know as I refuse to listen to it). The show I was talking about is named after two guys with very common names. Their initials are “B & T”.

Comment by Sandi

Lucky for me (she said smugly), the morning show I listen to is very funny and entertaining.

Comment by claire

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