Central Snark

Dear Crummy Television Commercials by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 21 August 2007, 8:15am
Filed under: crummy letters

We need to set some things straight. You see, it turns out that I am not in fact a complete friggin’ idiot. It could be that you are dealing with outdated data, as there was a time in my life when I could have been considered an idiot (ages 2 through 4, to be exact); but that was some time ago. It’s time to change your marketing campaigns based on this new information, because recently you have completely lost me.

Sure, some of your output is enjoyable. I like the Gecko. The Beer Delivery man amuses me. Of course, these campaigns don’t persuade me to start using the products they advertise, but they are at least passable entertainment in between real television shows. The pickins are quite slim after that, however.

Take, for example, the distinguished graying gentlemen on a commercial I recently had thrust upon me. After realizing that people were shunning him for his gray hair, the elevator he was riding on began to plunge uncontrollably down the elevator shaft. Floor after floor he fell, his life flashing before his eyes, remembering mostly those better days when life had meaning, his hair was a deep, rich chestnut brown, and swimsuit models flocked to his side. Only after he accepted the Gospel of Just For Men into his heart to forgive his Follicle Sins did the elevator halt its plunge and the swimsuit models return.

I’m graying. I don’t plan on using your product. Should I save some time (not to mention the collateral damage) and just throw myself down a nearby elevator shaft? Has all hope been lost? Has any thought of a workplace promotion faded like the hair on my head? Or am I about to lose my job entirely? Is my long, storied history with swimsuit models now at and end? Will women (and children) now instead cross to the other side of the street just to avoid being confronted with my hideous graying visage? Turn away!! TURN AWAAAAAYY!!

As it turns out: no. The next commercial I saw told me that compared to my hair loss problems, the graying is just a proverbial drop in the bucket of Brylcreem. The problems outlined in the previous paragraphs are a picnic compared to what is in store for me now. My hair loss issues will likely cause my wife to leave me and my pets to shun me, not to mention the implied possible harassment from the IRS, increased stops for traffic violations, likely deportation to Bhutan, and nightly alien anal probes. The fact that I’m graying and losing some hair, and it’s any wonder that I’m even vertical and coherent what with all my impending doom and whatnot.

Except here’s the thing I’ve noticed…NOBODY SEEMS TO GIVE A FLYING &^&*^ ABOUT MY HAIR!! Least of all me, and certainly not my wife, my friends and family, the IRS, the traffic cops, the border patrol, or even the anal-probing aliens. It turns out that most of American society is able to rub two brain cells together to cause enough of a spark to realize that graying and/or losing of one’s head covering is not necessarily an indictment of the gray matter inside said head. Perhaps thousands of years ago, the first homo sapiens sacrificed those with gray heads to their primitive gods, but I’m pretty sure that practice has been halted for at least the last couple dozen years or so (except maybe by the Scientologists, I‘ve never really understood how they operate…)

So here’s an idea for you: Get off my television screen. I don’t need you to tell me that my life is incomplete because of my lack of Rogaine or Just For Men or whatever magic witch’s brew you’ll cook up next. I know this for a fact: I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, the anal-probing aliens love me.


PS: Humor-blogs.com would like to note that despite the implications of the above letter, CrummyJoel is still a damn fine looking dude.

18 Comments so far
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okay, i took a peek at this last night, and laughed so hard i sprayed Sleepytime tea all over the keyboard and/or screen. seriously, this post is just too damn funny, (Never-Has-Been-Never-Will-Be-Crummy)CrummyJoel!

that said, i’m thinkin’ those “anal probing aliens” might love you just a little bit more if you started taking “Enzyte”… i mean, look how happy that guy in the commercial is, not to mention the ear to ear grin we see on the face of his “wife”. oy. 🙄

Comment by One Hot Puppy

What I find funny is that the commercials are targeted to certain channels and shows. There you are, minding your own business enjoying some mindless entertainment, when suddenly, there it is, an ad that tells you that your life is over unless you use this _______ product.

Great post and I don’t need no hair goop either. Or Enzyte, thank you very much.

Comment by Brian

I happen to find bald men attractive. Rogaine, don’t go there!

Comment by Charlottalove


My hair has always been thin since birth, but it also never lost its baby softness. Nothign can be done to my hair, no amount of advertised products bended it into any other shape than the one I was born with. I kinda like it…it is very me.

Grey hair is sexy, for some reason it implies wisdom and that might be wrong, but as misconceptions go…it could be worse!

Baldness suits some skull shapes and some not so much. But would we notice if John Jones walks past us that his baldness did not fit his skull…we really don’t give a tiny rat’s ass about people’s hair, especially when we don’t know them. And the ones we do know, well…we love them for other things.

Comment by Penguin

And so do we Joel, so do we.

Now you’ve experienced just 5% of the advertising aimed at making women into the perfect image. Although I must say a graying man always looks fine to me.

Oh and what Penguin said. Good post.

Comment by Lampsha

Tom Cruise said that Scientologists do not go gray or bald. They are clear. Just look at 45 year old Tom and 53 year old John Travolta or even 60 year old Lisa Marie. And they do not permit any kind of chemicals on the head because it changes your brain chemistry.

Comment by Nessa

I thought about after a wrote this about how this is NOTHING compared to what women go through with advertising.

Hopefully y’all can at least relate rather than think I’m a whiny punk (which I am, I just don’t want you to think it)….

Thanks, all!!

Comment by CrummyJoel

Evidently George Clooney and Bruce Willis haven’t seen these illuminating Commercials. I hope, at this point, that they don’t—because I don’t want them to “shaft” themselves.
Thanks for the laugh.

Comment by Rachel B.

Good post, Joel. I believe that those for-men-only commercials are bad in a very desperate way; they know that most men don’t give a damn, and that most women do not object to gray hair on men, so as a result, the adverts go over-the-top with the whole petty concept, just to get your attention. After seeing those commercials for awhile, SOME guys will actually consider coloring their hair. It’s both scary and fascinating, how suggestible people are–not necessarily gullible, or idiotic, just–pliable.

Comment by actonbell

The easy solution, funny enough, is to just shave one’s head. I actually have a lot of people think I’m younger than I actually am (which is 31). Some think I’m in my 20’s, just cause I “choose” to go bald.

Of course, for that to work you need to have a properly shaped head (As Penguin mentioned) so you don’t look like that kid off of the Foghorn Leghorn cartoons or something:

Comment by CrummyJoel

Judging by the unnatural mane on Joe Biden, presidential candidates don’t have as much faith in the citizenry as you do, Joel.

I guess Captain Picard will never be president.

Comment by Diesel

And that, my friend, is our great loss.

Comment by CrummyJoel

I am SO SICK of commercials reminding men they need to take drugs at the least sign of a limp flag. It has gotten outa control. Bring back the hair ads, at least then I won’t have to explain “E.D.” to my 11 year old daughter!!

Comment by Claire

Now if they would just start selling something to fix stupid, THAT would be worthwhile!

Comment by logo™

Very well put sir.

Picard / Riker 2008 (They got my vote)

Comment by jeremy

Too funny! We have those Just for Men commercials over here in Spain too, and let me tell you, they are equally stupid in Spanish. The best thing to do is turn off the T.V. and blog instead, it’s much more satisfying.

Comment by Theresa

I think I’ve seen these commercials as well, but mostly I just vegetate when they come on. As you might guess, I vegetate a lot.

Comment by inthespoon

Picard/Riker ’08 would rock! I hope they make Worf secretary of defense. But, don’t you have to be born in America to be president? Picard is like English..or with a name like Jean Luc maybe French Canadian…Oh, those crazy Canucks and their cranial couture….I’m still gonna’ buy Enzyte so I can be as happy as Bob.

Comment by OklahomaJoel

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