Central Snark

Skin Flutes… by Snuppy
Friday, 24 August 2007, 9:15am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

Why do men name their penises?” “So they can be on a first name basis with the one who makes most of their decisions.” ~ Classic Penis Joke

guy eating a hot dogWELL, um, er, ah… ya see it’s like this: we thought it might be fun to write a post featuring information from a certain book* written by the veryverysmart woman related to one of us, in hopes three or four of you might be impressed and/or amused. Especially since the primary focus of the aforementioned book is, um — gasp — private parts. But then we got, uh, kind of embarrassed, because we planned to discuss a certain dangling part(iciple) that roughly 50% of the population possesses, and we weren’t quite sure it was appropriate to — ahem — put out there (and/or here). Not that there’s anything wrong with that “part”, mind you, not that we know of, anyway. Of course, some of us don’t happen to, er, have such a utilitarian organ flopping around between our legs, so what the hell do we know? It matters not, we’ve cast the dye and/or die and/or made our bed, and now we have to roll around in its colorful-yet-damp messiness.

ANYWAY, despite our desire to talk about this “part”, we find ourselves somewhat reticent to mention it by name, for fear we’ll land smack dab in the middle of Spam Hell (this “item” is a popular search term). So we’ve decided to do what any blog armed with a book loaded with “nicknames” might do, and only use those terms of endearment others have affixed to this “thing” which represents “manhood”.

BUT what word to use? The choices, it seems, are infinite. Okay, maybe not “infinite”, but there do seem to be an awful lot of ’em. We debated well into the night, going back and forth and back and forth, until we finally came to a decision: we’ll use ’em all. Or at the very least, a bunch of ’em. Then it occurred to us we might find something funny on YouTube to help “illustrate” the nature of “nicknaming” Dick’s “johnson” and/or John’s “dick”. Imagine our surprise, then, when we discovered there wasn’t just ONE willie-related ditty out there, but dozens. Needless to say, it was exhausting — and more than a little disturbing — to sift through some of this stuff. But we did it so you wouldn’t have to. Some of our favorites (featuring some surprising artists) can be found HERE, HERE, and HERE. We rather enjoyed THIS ONE, mostly because it covers about as many nicknames as any we could ever hope to know. On the other hand, THIS ONE kind of creeped us out, despite the fact its focus is on the concept of using “proper names” when referring to the body. Then, of course, there’s the one you’re about to watch (sung by Monty Python’s Eric Idle) — an homage, if you will, that’s the least “offensive” of ’em all — even as it helps to reinforce the point that a lot of folks are completely obsessed by their “thingies”.

WASN’T that lovely? Alrighty then, since this post is starting to give us a headache, we think we’ll let YOU take over, maybe share a few of your favorite “organic” monikers. But take care, we’re NOT looking for anything yucky and/or inappropriate here. Offend and/or piss us off, and we’ll go Lorena Bobbitt on your ass faster ‘n you can say “Hey, honey, have you seen my…?

*BEFORE you get any wrong ideas about the potentially salacious nature of the afore-aforementioned book, let us be quick to point out that the veryverysmart person who wrote it is a certified sex therapist and was a college professor for many years. Her decision to write a comprehensive missive related to “genitalia” came after much prodding by a “certain” nagging sister, who thought it would be, and we quote, “…hilarious to write a book listing many of the ‘nicknames’ for the Male Organ that your students were required to come up with, as part of an exercise demonstrating how difficult it is to discuss sexuality!” (the actual suggestion was worded differently, but you get the idea) What was a sister to do, but pull out (heh) her long list of monikers, and set pen to paper? We’ll tell you what she was to do, she was to spend 2 years researching and/or triple checking resources, in order to provide a comprehensive volume on facts, fancies, legends and/or oddities related to private parts belonging to both genders. But that’s beside the point. The Point, before it shrivels up and becomes impossible to see, is that she wrote this very wonderful book, and, despite all our “help”, we never saw a nickel of profit from sales (national or foreign, hard cover or paperback). Shouldn’t we be allowed to glean a little inspiration from its pages, in order to provide fodder for a post, or three? Yeah, we think so, too.


Et tu, Brute?” ~ Biggus-Diccus, while standing next to his well-endowed buddy, in the men’s room at Humor-blogs.com.

30 Comments so far
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oh, i know what you’re thinking: what the hell was I thinking, to do a post like this? well, lest you forget and/or think i’m the only one to bring up (heh) this subject, i’m here to remind you, i’m not. Anyone recall THIS POST our happy little Penguin did a couple of months ago — based on something Theresa wrote about, the day before? yeah, that’s what i thought. we’re not “tacky”, just, uh… playful.

anyway, i know there are LOADS of great names out there, and i’m guessing some of you might even know a few. i have to say that song (the one linked to, sung by either Weird Al, Tom Green, or Dane Cook — depending on who you ask) covers quite a few of the best ones… a few more in my sister’s book — that totally cracked me up — include:

Cecil, the One-eyed Monster
and my (as well as my sister’s) all-time favorite (but only as an insult:

OH YEAH: in case anyone wonders, featured in those video links are the musical stylings of Brad Pitt/Edward Norton (in Fight Club), Cameron Diaz/Christina Applegate/Selma Blair (in The Sweetest Thing), and a very silly animated short based on a song by Rodney Carrington.


Comment by One Hot Puppy

It figures. The one subject I know nothing about. πŸ™„

I have it on, how shall we say, good authority that it’s not the name, it’s how it sings. πŸ˜€

I can’t divulge the name, but it does feel very strange at times.

Have a fun weekend y’all, see you on the flip side.



Comment by Rose-Dewy Knickers

Thanks for the heads up on the clips, Pups.

Comment by littlebluepill

I’ll have to watch this plethora of video clips later. But in the meantime, I was impressed by your most excellent pun-age in this direct quote (taken out of context of course) from your post:

…well into the night, going back and forth and back and forth, until we finally came…

Now THAT is the spirit of Sex Ed Friday. Nicely done!

Comment by Jeff

PS: am still amazed that my friend and I were able to lip-sync this song in junior high in an airband contest without getting in trouble! Granted the airband that won won with Faster, Pussycat!!

Comment by littlebluepill

Oh Snuppy that was a laugh! πŸ™‚ I loved that song in “The Meaning of Life”. When volunteering for sexual assault services I heard many a terms for the penis that I had never heard of before. Oddly enough its hard to say penis but trouser snake was easy!

Have a great weekend everyone!

Comment by cj

Rose: guessing your “situation” gets a little “awkward” at times, eh? (and you most certainly can name this “item”, i just didn’t want anyone getting too, um, weird — in case someone stumbles in here who’s easily offended.) πŸ˜‰

LBP: color ME surprised! i figured you’d have been, er, exposed to some of those videos LONG before i did this post! oooh, and can you re-do that link? thinkin’ i’m missing a good one! πŸ™‚

Jeff: aw… thanks. i always wonder if my efforts to be punny are noticed by anyone besides, by husband! (thank goodness he “gets” me and my silly sense of humor) πŸ™‚

CJ: heh heh. The Meaning of Life is a classic! i’ve heard of Trouser Trout, but “snake” is a new one. love it! as i mentioned in the post, the “point” of the exercise my sister had her students do in class (listing penis/vagina nicknames) was to show just how many words we have for our private parts — which really does help to illustrate the fact that people have a hard time talking about the “real deals”. too many words/not enough communication = lousy relationship and/or sex life (potentially). πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

this topic is too scary for some of you kids, isn’t it? my bad. i promise to offer up something less, um, tangible next time! 😎

Comment by snuppy

Actually I didn’t name “it”, Diane did. πŸ˜‰

Have a good weekend Snuppy, going to be doing the final edits on Real Magic, so I have no time on my hands.

Comment by Brian

Well how dare my link not work! harrumph.


did that work? now I’m paranoid.

Comment by littlebluepill

Brian: good luck with that, final edits can be exhausting (i know this from helping my sis with her book). πŸ™‚

LBP: yes!! and yay! and THANK YOU for reminding me of this song… an oldie, but a goodie, to be sure! πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Sorry I am late, I hate mornign shifts…
love dthis post…I have touched your sis’ book and glanced ove rteh very interesting subject of one of our most priced posessions.

I have my Balted thursdya Trivia tied in with this topic, to show full fledged support for this topic and your ever-so-brilliant way of writing..

“The point, before it shrivels up and becomes hard to see” had me on the floor.

Now…what is teh movie I am thinking off, where a giant rocket flies through the air and people see it and all teh different nicknames come out of them…sound like Austin Powers…can it be right?
Now I have to go to my night shift, but i’ll think of a few of my favourite nickanmes for this useful piece of equipment.

There is a saying in german:

“Wo er nicht hinkommt, spuckt er hin!”

Comment by Penguin

Penguin: you, my darling and treasured friend, are hilarious, too! and yes, that scene is from Austin Powers… oh how i wish i’d remembered it earlier, would have been the perfect addition. and, after “translating” that German phrase (thank you, Babel-Fish translator) i am laughing my head off!! oh my gosh but that was beyond HYSTERICAL!!! πŸ˜€

SOOO sorry you had to work a morning shift — and even MORE sorry you have to work tonight! (back-to-back shifts? guess you’re feeling better, eh?) and thank you thank you thank you for the link — maybe with your nod of approval, other folks won’t be so nervous about commenting! πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

King Leer

Chief of Staff


Donald Pump

uh oh…pump up your ego!

(this could go on for a while πŸ™‚

Comment by Penguin

Baloney Pony
Swizzle Stick
Mufasa (King of the Jungle, heh heh)

Sir Knobby?


Comment by snuppy

I’ve only ever named one body part and I think the name may have been taken.

Comment by JACC

JACC: LOL! and that’s saying a lot for me, as i tend to avoid that kind of “short-cut” speech like the plague! that post (and/or nickname) was too damn funny! πŸ™‚

OH, and LBP, while we’re on the subject of great old songs that reference today’s “topic”, how ’bout “Wang Dang Doodle”? this song was especially tasty when performed by the FABULOUS Pointer Sisters, (a group i’ve always loveloveloved and adored!) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

I know this is so wrong:

but the manliness looks like a bishop in a turtleneck!

Bishop hat at the top and the shriveling skin…

yes, I am gonna burn in hell.

Spending my life in Iceland, I guess I cna use a climate change πŸ™‚

Comment by Penguin

I call mine ‘Lord Palmerston’, after one of the British Prime Ministers. Like his namesake, my Lord Palmerston is all to ready to stand up in Parliament, and commands respect wherever it goes.

Sometimes I also call it ‘King Cobra’, as it can sometimes spit in your eye.

Comment by Lord Likely

*falls over in fit of laughter*

okay, you beautiful-yet-completely-hilarious Penguin, you — you win! that’s the best comment of the day. maybe even the whole damn year! and, yes, i do think a climate change will do you a world of good. but only a minor change… like, say, the “difference” between the temps there and the temps here! πŸ˜‰

Lord Likely: “Palmerston”? that’s a handy moniker, if ever there was one, sir! King Cobra is pretty darn good, too — tho’, regarding that “spit” thing, perchance did you translate Monika’s earlier German phrase??? πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

O. k., maybe this is penis envy, but I think there should be more names for ours.

Comment by weirsdo

This reminds me of the out takes from Grumpy Old Men.

Comment by nessa

The topic wasn’t too scary, but running around to gather up items needed before we go beaching for several days was.

I am cracking up at the video and comments though. See what I miss when I step out for a day or so? Now I’ll have to go get the veryverysmart Dr. Terri’s book down from the shelf for a refresher (maybe a little beach reading πŸ˜‰

Comment by DJ Lampsha

So sorry I missed this discussion…I think. The videos were hilarious one and all.

Comment by BoBo

Okay, not really knowing too many of the names, I have nothing to relate… but the Bear I live with introduced me to a moniker, “Mr. Buster Hymen”

I loved the video with Carmen Diaz – FUNNY SUBJECT – and yes, the proper name IS funny!

Comment by tsduff

f.y.i. asking women in bars if they want to see your “bishop in a turtleneck” isn’t a great line to use. Wasn’t helping my cause last night that is for sure!

Comment by Chris C

Weirsdo: believe it or not — there are more than a few! (i know this only from helping my sis with her book). guess i’d best give equal time to the “fairer” sex down the road, eh? πŸ˜‰

Nessa: hah!! Grumpy Wrinkled Old Men… πŸ™„

BoBo: considering you were forced to hear about a lot of these “names” for 2 years (as that book was being edited) i’m pretty sure you’re excused! πŸ™‚

Terry: hee hee — i’d forgotten about “Buster”…. too funny! and you’re right, the “proper” name is pretty darn hilarious, too! πŸ™‚

Chris: not a good pick up line? i’m shocked. shocked i tell ya, SHOCKED! πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

I followed every link and loved it all!

That must have been a lot of work putting this all together. Hard work. Rock solid research.

Comment by tanlucypez

TLP: well, i confess, it was a labor of love… er, i mean, love for my sister and/or her book. and, love for the “brave” folks who saw fit to read/comment (present company included!!). ooooh, and love for one of your brilliant daughters, who commented in the post after this one that she was trying to remember the lyrics to the very song i featured. (guessing it was the Python offering, she and i have a shared passion for that sort of silliness!) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Loved, loved, loved that video! I couldn’t watch it til this morning because our internet connection was just too slow for some reason, but you made my Monday morning.

Comment by Theresa

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