Central Snark

SPAM? by Snuppy
Thursday, 30 August 2007, 10:09am
Filed under: funny...

too much spamSOMETIMES, when we get Really Bored, and we don’t think anyone’s looking, we read our “spam”. Mostly, because we like to make sure one or two “real” comments haven’t fallen through the Spamcatcher’s Large Net. But also, because some of the e-mails we find in there are flat out hilarious. Spamilarious, if you will.

SOMETIMES, when we’re suffering from the Worst Writer’s Block Ever, and we don’t think anyone’s reading our drivel, anyway, we like to offer up the “spam”, in lieu of a cleverly worded post. Mostly because we’re hoping the folks out there who could stop by will think this stuff is as Spamilarious as we do. Otherwise, we might have to talk to our “doctor” about changing up our meds.

SOMETIMES, when we get in the mood to substitute Silliness for Intelligence, we imagine putting some of the strangely altered “wise sayings” on posters, t-shirts and/or creating our own crappy line of Inspirational Greeting Cards. Or, better yet, using them as future captions for one of DIESEL’S CONTESTS*. We also planned to send a few of the “choice” items to CRUMMY(yet not)JOEL, in hopes he might use ’em to craft a witty/hilarious “Dear Crummy Spammer” letter. Unfortunately, he came up with his own Spamtastic Version before we could get around to telling him about our Spamtabulous Idea. Not that we minded — truth be told, we were relieved to discover we’re NOT the only ones being Spamindated with this stuff.

NOW, the following are but a few of the crazy “sayings” we’ve received, of late — attached, of course, to links for sites featuring such things as “doctor booty good”, “frat-party-porn” and one of our favs, the “nude granny cam”:

  1. Have a head like a sieve
  2. Every seed knows its time
  3. A bird may be known for its flounder
  4. Leave one’s cheese in the wind
  5. He who would eat the fruit must spit the seed which knows its time

SOMETIMES we read this stuff and just scratch our fragile little heads in confusion — then we laugh. But one day, mid-chuckle, we started to wonder: how the hell do these “Spaminators” come up with such skewed versions of what we can only imagine were once choice Words of Wisdom? The answer, of course, was simple: Babel Fish Translator. One phrase in one language, poorly translated, yields another phrase fit for the Spamcatcher. “Wowie!”, we thought, “that’s kind of cool.” (have we mentioned lately how easily we’re amused?)

To test out our Spamirific Theory, we plugged in: “A rolling stone gathers no moss”, and after translating it into French and back again, we wound up with: “A stone of bearing does not collect any foam.”

Doing the same thing with “The early bird catches the worm” — only in German and back — turned into: “The early bird gets caught the continuous screw.”

And, finally, in Japanese, “don’t look where you have fallen, but where you slipped” became: “Time the ぢ at the place, being the place where you inserted, you do not have to see.”

OKAY, that last one was just weird, but it doesn’t mean we didn’t laugh. Trust us, we could have gone on all day (we’re lame like that), but then our mom called, and we had to stop, because she has that effect on us and/or our fragile sense of humor.

BY THE WAY, sometimes we honestly don’t know where the ridiculousness stops, and our own Bizarre Sense of Humor and/or Bad Timing begins. Pretty sure we’ve covered any and/or all aspects related to “spam” by now. That said, and speaking of timing, this year happens to be the 70th anniversary of the questionably nutritious product the questionably “valid” e-mails and/or comments are named after, i.e. SPAM. Happy Birthday, Spam. Blah blah blah, and all that crap.


Laughter is of good reading medicine in Humor-blogs.com.

*Normally we’d have pimped the fact that one of us has a caption in this week’s “contest” and begged you all to vote. But, thanks to some lady wearing ELASTICWAISTBANDEDPANTIES, we aren’t going to. It seems she is the only one allowed to use the word “poop” in a caption, and has accused us of *gasp* plagerizing her offering — which didn’t make it into the top 10. What can we say? Some of us are able to use Poop in a phrase better than some of Diesel’s other readers. But don’t tell that “lady” what we said — last thing we need is for some chick to get her panites in a wad over one of our pathetic-yet-fragile little whinings.

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what’s most tragic about this post, is that it was “written” weeks ago, and then left to fester in the queue. my fragile little brain, being the uncooperative thing it is on any given day, just couldn’t conjure something “fresh” for today, and so i had to rely on something i had pretty much given up on. oh to be clever and in the process of continuing my education, like our LOVELY LITTLE PENGUIN — perhaps then i’d have had something more worthwhile to say. oh well.

as for that last little “blurb”. i SWEAR i’m only poking fun at Elastic…lady! apparently she had ‘entered’ a caption that was similar to mine, BEFORE i did. unfortunately, i didn’t see hers, and even MORE unfortunately, i made it into the top ten, and her’s didn’t. aieeeeee! it’s not as though i NEED to ‘borrow’ stuff from other folks (except on days like today). i mean, i’ve managed to make the top 10 PLENTY of times, without using the word “poop”. whatever — a vote for me will become a vote for her, and i think that’s just fine!! πŸ™‚


Comment by One Hot Puppy

Poop has to be used just right, otherwise, it is just messy.

Comment by Nessa

If you forward me all the funny little sayings you get in Spam, I will compose a “serious” poem out of them and use it as one of my guest posts here.

joel dot bezaire at gmail dot com

Send away, folks.

Comment by CrummyJoel

“The early bird gets caught the continuous screw.”

Boy, ain’t that the truth?

Comment by Diesel

Excellent post…inspired I must say. I think your babel fish explanation is right on the money – it makes so much sense. Bravo Snup!

Comment by BoBo

Nessa: smelly, too. πŸ˜‰

CrummyishJoel: i actually saved a bunch just like the ones i posted, and will happily send ’em all to you! πŸ™‚

Diesel: as a wise Spanish/French/Englishman once said: It which laugh finally, you laugh it better possible. pretty sure truer words have been spoken by someone from Japan. πŸ™„

BoBo: where would i be without Babel Fish? i tell ya, that site is comedy gold. gold, i tell ya, GOLD! (or not…) πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

As the proud recipient of 200 spam comments a day, I must admit to enjoying deleting such finally crafted comments. To think that people earn a living creating spam is mind boggling. Good thing I have all the pills to choose from.

Comment by Brian

Y’know…if the early bird got the continuous screw instead of the worm…I’d be getting up a lot earlier. Like when my alarm goes off instead of hitting the snooze for a minimum half hour. Then again if I was getting continuously screwed I really wouldn’t need the alarm clock would I? I’d also settle for infrequent screwing. Sporadic screwing. Once in a blue moon screwing. I could go on but I’m really bumming myself out. Sigh.

Comment by littlebluepill

I thought you did an honorable job of apologizing to Elastic/Panties when you first discovered your plag… I mean oversight. But I give you a big thumbs up (in the air) for going for the poop reference. As you know, I’m a big fan of the poop.

Comment by Jeff

Ive been up early and there was no worm or screwing,
I think I got gyped.

Comment by logoβ„’

Brian: there are days when our spamcatcher spits out that many, and i, for one, hate it. needless to say, i feel your pain. πŸ™‚

LBP: shouldn’t you be on vacation? or are you back, and trying to tell us you didn’t have as much “fun” as you expected to have? either way, i’m sorry. funny, but, considering the fact that testosterone levels are highest in the morning, that misquoted “saying” actually should have merit! hmmm… maybe you’re looking for those, um, worms, in the wrong place??? just a thought… πŸ˜‰

Jeff: heh — lord knows i tried. i never saw anyone get so worked up over poop. far as i’m concerned, she can have all the shit er, poop she wants! πŸ™„

logoβ„’: thinking this is a conversation you should be having with Mr. Logoβ„’, if you catch my drift, and i’m guessing you do! πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

Thanks for the spamilicious info. I see very little spam these days (yes, I’m bragging).
Babel Fish is funfunfun!

Comment by Claire

Claire: “very little spam”?? wow — lucky you! and, yes… Babel Fish is the best! πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

Welcome to my world…german television is my daily babel Fish translator. How I suffered for 19 years πŸ™‚

Now…with Diesel’s caption contest…if you get there a day late…there are at least 60 comments you would have to read to offer your own and not step on anybody’s toes. I haven’t given a caption on occasion becuase there were so many before me and I simply don’t have the time to rea dtrhough them all…sinc eit is a game…just go with whatever comes to your mind…poop is not poop. It come sin all shapes and sizes and smells too:)

For what it is worth…I thought your caption was funfriggintastic!

Comment by Penguin

Penguin: and THAT’S why i lovelovelove YOU so friggin’ MUCH (okay, it’s one of MANY reasons). considering you grew up with Babel Fish-esque translations, it’s a minor miracle you speak English so damn well! (better than most, come to think of it!) πŸ™‚

so?? 2 days in… do we still like school???

Comment by snuppy

Thanks to Spam Assassin, I don’t see as much of this as I used to, but there are enough really odd websites/blogs out there (give StumbleUpon a try for a day if you don’t believe me) to make up for the lack if I feel the need for some bizzarity.

First time here! Love the blog!

Comment by Jayne

We still like school. Although I discovered there are aparently Icelandic philosophers and philosophy by itself can be tiresome, but in Icelandic??? So help me God!

we’ll see…I keep you posted!

Comment by Penguin

We still like school. Although I discovered there are aparently Icelandic philosophers and philosophy by itself can be tiresome, but in Icelandic??? So help me God!

we’ll see…I keep you posted!

and snuppy, you know my English is solely based on FRIENDS πŸ™‚ If a word made it there, I know it πŸ™‚

Comment by Penguin

Ha, ha, haaa! I can SO relate to Monika’s comment! Spanish television was our very own personal Babel Fish Translator FO SHO! The hardest part is when the name of entertainers are said…

Yony Deep (Johnny Depp)

Khale Berrrry (Kh as in the I-am-gonna-spit-kh sound and rrrrrr as in a heavy rolling of the r= Halle Berry)

Ehteeben Ehpeelber (Steven Spielberg)

Yeah, I SO kid you not! Oh, and if in asking directions you mention the name of a fast food joint (pretending that that is where you might be headed) correctly, they will not understand you unless you mention it just like them…

Boorger Keen (Burger King)

Ma-do-nal (MacDonald’s)


Oooh! And now for some real Babel Fish Time!

“I am free from my shackles! FREE!” translated to Russian and back again = “4 it is free from my fastenings! IT IS FREE!”

Ooooweee! My “fastenings” sounds so kinky! Who knew?

Faboo post my dearest amiga! Writer’s block sits well with you I must say! *sigh* I need some lessons from thee I tell you! Is there an automatic-hyper-hyphenated-bohemian-rant generator anywhere to be found? πŸ˜‰

Besos to you my dearest amiga and forgive my late (or should I say early as it is 4 am and Loverboy has recruited me to save him from two sleepless young ‘uns) arrival to this wonderful and oh so hilarious party! Thou art FABOO FO SHO!

Or what I just said up above translated to German and back again:

Besos to you my dearest Amiga and forgive this wonderful and OH- so urkomisch a party of my late (or am I should legend early, there drew in it 4 in the morning and Loverboy me to store around it from two sleepless young ‘ us to), arrival! Thoukunst FABOO FO SHO!

Thaaaat’s better! Um… what?

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

Still waiting on those Spam email submissions….. (tap fingers pointedly on desk….)

Comment by CrummyJoel

Jayne: guess i’ll have to check that out… as well as your site! thanks for visiting… hope ya find your way back over here again, sometime! πŸ™‚

Penguin: a’yup — if you didn’t hear it on Friends, it ain’t in your vocabulary. one of the many charming things about you, my lovely friend! so glad to know school (after TWO WHOLE DAYS) is still going strong! give ’em hell! (i know you will) πŸ˜‰

Miz B: heh heh. Joel stayed home from work today, and is watching a Yony Deep movie, even as i type! and mercies with you, dear Amiga! if happy you managed to trail here during a moment! here hopes that your weekend is while FABOO while you are! ! (would have made too much sense to write the English version of that last part out before i translated it to French and back, don’t ya think? oy.) cheers & besos! πŸ™‚

Crummy(tho’ NOT)Joel: er, um, well you see i… that is to say… i haven’t exactly been spending a lot of time on the computer over the last couple of days, which is why i haven’t sent you anything, as yet. as soon as i log into my e-mail i will SO forward you any and/or all the spam you could hope for! can’t wait to see what you do with it all… ‘cuz i just know it’s gonna be great! 😳

Comment by snuppy

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