Central Snark


Sooooo Long by Snuppy
Friday, 31 August 2007, 9:26am
Filed under: funny..., Sex, Ed?

I want to be big” ~ Tom Hanks’ character, “Big”

dr. frankenstein makes a WE’RE probably going to hell for today’s post, but, unless we miss our guess, we’ll be surrounded by a number of happy… faces. Heh heh. In case our title is too subtle, the topic du jour is, um, “enhancement techniques specific to a certain male body part that managed to go unnamed last week and will remain as such for a moment or two longer.” Did we just say longer? Heh, even if you’re not laughing, we’re truly cracking ourselves up. “Up“? Heh… there we go, again. “Go again“?? Hahaha, we could do this all day. “Do this all day“??? Oh good grief, just shoot us now, and put us out of your misery. Now where were we before we interrupted ourselves with the ADD drivel that plagues us like Erectile Dysfunction used to plague Bob Dole? Oh yeah… “enhancements”.

BELIEVE it or not, even before CRUMMYJOEL’s completely hilarious post Tuesday — in which he eloquently and/or handily gave the “what for” to spammers offering, among many things, ways to make his “what not” bigger — we’d planned to do a follow-up to our own modest post from last week. Mostly because a certain “cheeky” PENGUIN reminded us of an especially funny clip from one of our favorite films, which, for the sake of today’s topic and/or your amusement, can be viewed here:

NATURALLY, that clip led us to hunt around for this next one:

…and the rest, as museum curators say, is history. What the hell does that mean? It means we thought it would be fun to share a couple of archaic (i.e. historically bizarre) methods for the aforementioned “enhancements” that might make a few guys cringe, even as it causes the rest of us laugh out loud. Once again we must thank our veryverysmart sister for exposing us to this “helpfully” intimidating info.

FIRST off, allow us to provide some size-related perspective:

  • The smallest natural (and functional) penis on record is: 5/8 inch (eek)
  • The largest natural (and/or functional) penis recorded is 13.5 inches (yowie)
  • Over 75% of all men fall into a range between 4.5-6.5 inches. And, oh, by the way, the range between 5-7 inches is considered large. (whew)
  • Most partners say it’s not what size, but the “right” size that matters (whoa)
  • We have NO interest whatsoever (zip, zero, nada) in knowing how large anyone’s you-know-what is. Just saying, don’t bother offering up info, for we will delete with gusto and/or great glee! (bitches)

NOW then, after sharing the Austin Powers’ Swedish Penis Enlarger, we suppose we should mention that even in 2007, such an item (minus the Austin Powers seal of approval) is a hot commodity. That’s right, believe it or not, there are lots of guys willing to pay between $20-150 and up to $500 in order to pump “it” up. Perhaps something to consider, ladies, next time your guy volunteers to do the “vacuuming”. If he insists, be sure to warn him of the dangers, which include bruising, broken capillaries, blisters, and, gee, will ya look at that? Impotence. Yep, we always knew housework sucked, but until now, we didn’t know how much.

AH, but less-than-gifted men need not resort to scary devices in order to “impress”. Or so we assume, based on Very Useful Advice offered up in The Karma Sutra:

First rub your penis with wasp stings
and massage it with sweet oil.
When it swells, let it dangle for ten nights
through a hole in your bed,
going to sleep each night on your stomach.

After this period, use a cool ointment
to remove the pain and swelling.
by this method men…of insatiable
sexual appetite, manage to keep
their penises enlarged throughout their lives.

OKAY, wasp stings? Ouch. Not to mention eww. That said, perhaps you all remember the fabulously funny guest post by The Drive-by Blogger a couple of months ago, in which we learned about the potentially magnificent effects of spider bites. Those Brazilians. In the 16th century one tribe also enlisted the aid of snake bites to, um, help their “little” friends along. The 6 months of penile pain that followed the aforementioned love bite notwithstanding, those submitting to the serpent fangs were rewarded, um, impressively. Whether these tribal “members” ever functioned normally is unknown. But that’s beside the point. The point, which will soon be stabbing into our eyes once we re-read this post, is that a big dick is a lot of work. At least it is for those not born with one, in the first place.

AS you would imagine, Surgery is another option for stretching the “truth”. “Another option”, that is, if the idea of having some guy named Dr. Dick slice into your manhood in order to sever a ligament, then having to hang 2-10 pound weights on Wee Willie for a few months so “gravity” can work its magic seems like a good choice. (“Alex, I’ll take Shredded Schlongs for $5000“)

ANYONE still reading? Oy, we were afraid of that. Suffice it to say there are many MANY means for “magnifying” one’s “member”, including — but not limited to — acupuncture, fat injections, and/or penis/thigh slappings. Whether any of these things work or not is for us to decide. Or not — because, quite frankly (heh) we have no desire to involve ourselves in anyone’s protrusile-related decision making process. We can tell you there are a couple of non-surgical and/or relatively painless things worth trying before undergoing the knife and/or flying down to the Amazon in hopes of landing a bigger banana:

  1. Shave
  2. Lose weight

THAT’S right, a little less hair “down there” will make Junior look much more grown up (read: formidable). And, get this, doctors say every 35 pounds gained represents one inch lost, if you catch our “drift”, and we know you wish you didn’t.

NEEDLESS to say, there’s a LOT more to this size thing than meets the monster’s one eye, but since this post is getting longer by the moment, we’ll leave the rest of our hefty load of information for another day. Another day in the far distant future, that is, because, honestly, we’re gettin’ tired of going on and on and on about these things. Maybe if we had one we’d feel differently, but somehow, we doubt it.

~snuppy

The laughs on Humor-blogs.com are bigger, longer, and uncut.

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24 Comments so far
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in the beginning, this was a hilarious post. the longer it got (heh), more my head, um, throbbed. trust me, there’s no Excedrin for an ache that big. whatever… at some point — around 1 AM, i think — i came thisclose to tossing the whole damn thing in lieu of a less salacious topic. but you know how it is… once you start something, you just have to finish, if only to see how it all comes out.

happily, tomorrow things are sure to look up. that is if our dear/darling/delightful DJ LAMPSHA is actually around to do her regular Saturday Spin. if not, there’s no telling what i might do! stay tuned… πŸ™„

PS: do i think this post lends itself to comments? i do not. but that doesn’t mean i don’t expect to see one or two of you come up with a good one.

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Uh, hmmm…what to say. Interesting and, as always, very entertaining post Snuppy…just hoping to be able to unclinch my thighs and walk normally at some point today. Must get that imagery (weights, shredding, wasp bites) out of my head…yikes.

Comment by BoBo

Oh give me a home,
Where the implants roam,
and the pills
are popped all day.
Where everyone’s large
And nothing is charged
For the women cannot
stop la-a-a-ughing.

Home, home on the golf course,
Where the balls,
Fly looooonger each day
Where never was seen
A shrink-ing head
And the 19th hole
Was very po-pu-lar.

πŸ™‚

Have a great holiday weekend everyone!

Comment by Brian

BoBo: i promise to be kinder and more considerate in the future. and brief! πŸ˜‰

Brian: pretty sure there’s a crack to be made about putters, but i’ll not be the one to make it! πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

[…] Central Snark invites you to “say hello to my little friend” with a hilarious post on natural male enhancement. […]

Pingback by Get Incensed » Blog Archive » The Friday Six, Dirty Harry Style

The things people will go through for beauty’s sake; insect bites are an interesting choice.

Comment by Nessa

Well, I loved it all. ALL. Not too long. Not a bit. Well rounded out too. Not skimpy.

Loved the Woody piece. Very funny. Talkin’ about the clip.

And you can add this to the rest of the things for which I will be burning in hell. See ya!

Comment by tanlucypez

I was totally cracking “up” after reading your post and it took me forever until I could get up to watch those fantastic videos, and they sent me right back onto the floor (all in all I’d say it’s taken me about two hours to get to the point where I could actually write something again) – and I am not “stretching the truth” here.

All this reminds me of this very bad joke:

Why are women so bad at parking?
Because men keep telling them that this…
||
………is 12 inches.

Comment by Theresa

Umm, this:
| |
seemed a lot longer when I was typing it.

Comment by Theresa

My brain feels bigger already.

Comment by doug

Nessa: kind of different from that “bee sting” look that’s so popular for women’s lips tho’, doncha think? that said, yeah — beauty’s a bitch. heh heh. πŸ˜‰

TLP: you and me, sister — we’ll burn down there, together. but hey, at least we’ll be laughing! πŸ™‚

Theresa: awww *blushes* thanks for reading and/or laughing. and we can ALL thank Monika for reminding me about that hilarious scene from Austin Powers — which triggered this whole silly post, in the first place! and… I I?? HAHAHA! seemed a bit longer? that’s what she said. (sorry, goofy joke reference from The Office) πŸ™„

doug: at least something‘s bigger. (what? too chicken to leave a link back to your blog for fear one or two “weirdos” might follow??) πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

So we’re supposed to measure it?

Comment by Jeff

Jeff: oh yeah… like you’ve never pulled out a yard stick when no one was looking… πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

Oy! Dios mio de mi alma! I am proud to say that I am a HUGE fan of your veryveryvery smart sister Dr Terri who is beyond words faboo and I am a proud owner of her utterly amazing written-by-her-and-edited-and-pushed-into-existence-by-YOU book… though you knew that already seeing that you were sweet and generous enough to gift me a copy for which I am forever grateful… and so these facts are facts I know all too painfully well…

And yes, though I possess not the dangling, um, appendage painfully still applies dammit as I am all too visual a person to the point that I can feel that which I read which must explain my utter dizziness and nausea at the ridiculous things some men do outlined above though through the fog of my dizziness I will applaud you, my dearest Nevalicious Snuppy de mi corazΓ³n for such a brilliant, funny, albeit dizzying… though that hast nought to do with thee and everything to do with those morons who do such, well, moronic (how original am I?) things to such a delicate, and I refer not to the size but DAMMIT take care of those things or I might just vomit if more weird stuff is done to them AAAAAHHHH, body part… post.

And the first video? I had never seen that and just LOVED it FO SHO!

Bravo!

And men… *bohemian shakes head* Seriously now! And then sexism works against us? Baffling!

Comment by Catty Yummy Mummy

All this stuff reminded me of a party I went to once. A friend was getting divorced and the party was intended for women only. The sign on the door said :Check your dick at the door. It was of course a double entendre for “leave your manhood at the door if you want to come in” but also on a table beside the door was a ruler and a Spaghetti measurer. (You know one of those things that has different size holes in it so you know how much spaghetti to use for a certain number of servings?)

A spaghetti measurer is a great way to check a dick. Honest. Ruler’s a big help too.

Comment by tanlucypez

I find that the best way to extend one’s ‘member’ is by simply viewing some pornography.

It never fails to make my mighty organ mightier.

Comment by Lord Likely

CYM: i thank you and my veryverysmart sister thanks you for those kind and lovely and — yes, embarrassing, words! good thing i opted NOT to share some of the more grotesque (heh, she said “grow-tesque”) things men have done to “enhance” their “little friends”. suffice to say it would truly have grossed you out — as well as everyone else! (some things never made it into the book. “things” i hasten to add, that i may — or may not — “share” with our dear readers, down the road!) πŸ™„

TLP: hahahahahahaha! i lovelovelove that! (wish i’d thought of it). my sister recommended a fabulous gynecologist in Chicago, who worked in an “all female” office, and their motto was “No dicks, just Chicks”. that’s close. (she was a fantastic doctor, as were her colleagues). i’ll have to ask Terri (my sis) about that spaghetti thing — i know where the “measuring” is supposed to begin, but not the best tool to use for the most, um, accurate assessment. πŸ˜‰

Lord Likely: hey, whatever works and/or makes ya happy. of course, your method is one that will eventually “deflate” one’s, um… ego — whereas some of the above “techniques” are intended to, ah, extend “Mr. Happy” when in a less, er, excitable state. πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy

Ooooh, and CYM — you’ve never seen Austin Powers, The Spy Who Shagged Me?? dios mio! thinkin’ you’ll need to remedy that one of these days… (seriously, it’s pretty funny). πŸ™‚

Comment by snuppy

I am cheeky!

This was a hilarious post and I am glad I check in even as it is past midnight and I am totally wiped out.

Jokes, connotations and idioms all ove rthe place…you sure have a brilliant way of saying things without saying them… Loved this post and we all know it is not about size but …the whole roundedness of the thing.

Laughing extremely much at TLP,too.

I hope we all get to share a hot pot in hell πŸ™‚

Good job, snuppy!

Comment by Penguin

Penguin: you are, indeed, cheeky, and i wouldn’t have ya any other way! and thanks again for the fabulous inspiration, dear friend — without your comment last week, who knows what today’s post might have involved? could have been a whole lot worse i tell ya. πŸ™„

maybe we’ll get time off for good behavior and/or a glass of water once every 2 or 3 centuries. one can always hope! πŸ˜‰

Comment by snuppy

This post certainly sported the cream of the crop of literary innuendos… delightfully extended humor! My Sweetie cringed when we read the part about the wasp stings… yowsa!

Comment by tsduff

A bit painful to read, but wow, how much research did that take? I’ve had one of those, uhm, my whole life and I didn’t know all that.

Comment by IDiveAtNight

some call it a ‘what-not’ but I prefer the term ‘what’.

Hmmm…I don’t think that came out right.

Comment by Chris C

Terry: thanks for those kind words! i tell ya, while helping my sister edit her book, i found myself cringing on more than one occasion! πŸ˜‰

Morgan: oh, the “research” was easy — but only because my sister did all the actual “work”. all i can say is that i’ve never suffered from Freud’s so-called “penis envy”, and, thanks to some of this info, i’m quite sure i never will! (eventually i’ll share some equally disturbing info with regards to women… stay tuned) πŸ˜‰

Chris: i’m pretty sure you don’t need to worry until someone takes a peek and says “What’s that?” πŸ™„

Comment by snuppy




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