“I want to be big” ~ Tom Hanks’ character, “Big”
WE’RE probably going to hell for today’s post, but, unless we miss our guess, we’ll be surrounded by a number of happy… faces. Heh heh. In case our title is too subtle, the topic du jour is, um, “enhancement techniques specific to a certain male body part that managed to go unnamed last week and will remain as such for a moment or two longer.” Did we just say longer? Heh, even if you’re not laughing, we’re truly cracking ourselves up. “Up“? Heh… there we go, again. “Go again“?? Hahaha, we could do this all day. “Do this all day“??? Oh good grief, just shoot us now, and put us out of your misery. Now where were we before we interrupted ourselves with the ADD drivel that plagues us like Erectile Dysfunction used to plague Bob Dole? Oh yeah… “enhancements”.
BELIEVE it or not, even before CRUMMYJOEL’s completely hilarious post Tuesday — in which he eloquently and/or handily gave the “what for” to spammers offering, among many things, ways to make his “what not” bigger — we’d planned to do a follow-up to our own modest post from last week. Mostly because a certain “cheeky” PENGUIN reminded us of an especially funny clip from one of our favorite films, which, for the sake of today’s topic and/or your amusement, can be viewed here:
NATURALLY, that clip led us to hunt around for this next one:
…and the rest, as museum curators say, is history. What the hell does that mean? It means we thought it would be fun to share a couple of archaic (i.e. historically bizarre) methods for the aforementioned “enhancements” that might make a few guys cringe, even as it causes the rest of us laugh out loud. Once again we must thank our veryverysmart sister for exposing us to this “helpfully” intimidating info.
FIRST off, allow us to provide some size-related perspective:
- The smallest natural (and functional) penis on record is: 5/8 inch (eek)
- The largest natural (and/or functional) penis recorded is 13.5 inches (yowie)
- Over 75% of all men fall into a range between 4.5-6.5 inches. And, oh, by the way, the range between 5-7 inches is considered large. (whew)
- Most partners say it’s not what size, but the “right” size that matters (whoa)
- We have NO interest whatsoever (zip, zero, nada) in knowing how large anyone’s you-know-what is. Just saying, don’t bother offering up info, for we will delete with gusto and/or great glee! (bitches)
NOW then, after sharing the Austin Powers’ Swedish Penis Enlarger, we suppose we should mention that even in 2007, such an item (minus the Austin Powers seal of approval) is a hot commodity. That’s right, believe it or not, there are lots of guys willing to pay between $20-150 and up to $500 in order to pump “it” up. Perhaps something to consider, ladies, next time your guy volunteers to do the “vacuuming”. If he insists, be sure to warn him of the dangers, which include bruising, broken capillaries, blisters, and, gee, will ya look at that? Impotence. Yep, we always knew housework sucked, but until now, we didn’t know how much.
AH, but less-than-gifted men need not resort to scary devices in order to “impress”. Or so we assume, based on Very Useful Advice offered up in The Karma Sutra:
First rub your penis with wasp stings
and massage it with sweet oil.
When it swells, let it dangle for ten nights
through a hole in your bed,
going to sleep each night on your stomach.
After this period, use a cool ointment
to remove the pain and swelling.
by this method men…of insatiable
sexual appetite, manage to keep
their penises enlarged throughout their lives.
OKAY, wasp stings? Ouch. Not to mention eww. That said, perhaps you all remember the fabulously funny guest post by The Drive-by Blogger a couple of months ago, in which we learned about the potentially magnificent effects of spider bites. Those Brazilians. In the 16th century one tribe also enlisted the aid of snake bites to, um, help their “little” friends along. The 6 months of penile pain that followed the aforementioned love bite notwithstanding, those submitting to the serpent fangs were rewarded, um, impressively. Whether these tribal “members” ever functioned normally is unknown. But that’s beside the point. The point, which will soon be stabbing into our eyes once we re-read this post, is that a big dick is a lot of work. At least it is for those not born with one, in the first place.
AS you would imagine, Surgery is another option for stretching the “truth”. “Another option”, that is, if the idea of having some guy named Dr. Dick slice into your manhood in order to sever a ligament, then having to hang 2-10 pound weights on Wee Willie for a few months so “gravity” can work its magic seems like a good choice. (“Alex, I’ll take Shredded Schlongs for $5000“)
ANYONE still reading? Oy, we were afraid of that. Suffice it to say there are many MANY means for “magnifying” one’s “member”, including — but not limited to — acupuncture, fat injections, and/or penis/thigh slappings. Whether any of these things work or not is for us to decide. Or not — because, quite frankly (heh) we have no desire to involve ourselves in anyone’s protrusile-related decision making process. We can tell you there are a couple of non-surgical and/or relatively painless things worth trying before undergoing the knife and/or flying down to the Amazon in hopes of landing a bigger banana:
- Lose weight
THAT’S right, a little less hair “down there” will make Junior look much more grown up (read: formidable). And, get this, doctors say every 35 pounds gained represents one inch lost, if you catch our “drift”, and we know you wish you didn’t.
NEEDLESS to say, there’s a LOT more to this size thing than meets the monster’s one eye, but since this post is getting longer by the moment, we’ll leave the rest of our hefty load of information for another day. Another day in the far distant future, that is, because, honestly, we’re gettin’ tired of going on and on and on about these things. Maybe if we had one we’d feel differently, but somehow, we doubt it.
The laughs on Humor-blogs.com are bigger, longer, and uncut.
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