Central Snark

Crummy Sports Teams by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 4 September 2007, 8:15am
Filed under: crummy letters, Sporting Goods

I’ll admit it. I’m a huge sports fan. I am man enough to admit that I enjoy watching other men dressed in brightly colored spandex run headlong into each other at full speed, all the while trying to maneuver a ball into some arbitrary position on the field or court. Is it a metaphor for something else, buried deep in my subconscious? Probably, but I certainly enjoy me some organized, team sports. Name any sport, and I have a favorite team!

College football, you say? Why certainly! My favorite team: The Mighty Michigan Wolverines! 9 time national champions! 18 wins in bowl games! Winningest college football program ever, by total wins or by winning percentage!

And, of course, on Saturday they became the first ranked I-A team to lose to a I-AA team. Ever. In the history of the whole frickin’ universe. Appalachian State beat the Michigan Wolverines 34-32 at Michigan’s home field. For those of you unfamiliar with college football, this would be an upset the equivalent of a foreign homeless man winning the next presidential election. Or of some backwater Middle Eastern country defeating the US in a war (OK, bad example…)

We sports fans do have our codes. There must be “just cause” to drop a team and start rooting for a new one. Does an unprecedented loss count as “just cause”? I don’t know yet, but in my research I found the following Articles and Appendices tucked away in the Sports Fan’s Guidebook Of My Imagination. Here are some of the rare occurrences when you can drop a favorite team for a different one, as well as video, audio, or photographic corroboration for each one:

  1. If your entire team backs down to one solitary opponent, you may drop your team for another (Article I, Section XXII of the “Your Team is a Pansy Garden” Sub-Section).
  1. If this guy or this guy or this guy is your team’s star player, you may drop your team for another (Addendum A, Appendix Z of the “If Your Team Employs A Complete Effing DoucheBag” Section)
  1. If your sports team ever has a guy who gets knocked out by one punch, you may switch sports teams (Article 7-A, Chapter 43 of the “Glass Jaw” Sidebar)
  1. If your team ever gives up the most runs/points against since 1896, you may switch sports teams (Section 12, Sub-Section 22, Paragraph 7 of the “Scoring On You Like A Cheap Hooker” Chapter)
  1. If your sports team dresses like this or like this, you may choose a new favorite team (Section1, Chapter 1, Paragraph 1, of the “They Paid Somebody To Come Up With That Ugly *&$%?!?!” Addendum)
  1. If this is your favorite sports team, please choose another for any reason whatsoever (Page 1, filed under “Get Off The Damn Bandwagon Already”)

So, while I haven’t found the necessary documentation for my particular case, you can see that there many instances where you can switch allegiances. Wish me luck looking for the section entitled “National Embarrassment”


PS: Humor-blogs.com says I’ll be back next week with my first attempt at poetry since I was courting my wife. Knowing how much trouble poetry got me in last time, I’m still gonna try it again. Just kidding, dear.


25 Comments so far
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as a NON(ish)-sports fan, married to a decidedly MAJOR(ish) sports fan, i feel your pain. seriously, i’ve seen my husband’s highly ranked teams lose to girls (practically) and it wasn’t pretty. cracking up especially at the “embarrassing event” that led to this unbelievably hilarious post — we were just talking about that yesterday, and remembering when our (his) beloved Fresno State Bulldogs did something similar (yes — they’ve had good teams in the past. and yes, they were ranked high and on a winning streak, only to suffer a horrifying (even to me) loss. don’t remember which team, but i CAN tell you it was bad).

i’m in particular awe of this well-researched post, too, my friend. i watched every one of those clips and/or checked every other link. HILARIOUS! *bows deeply* you are the humor master, sir. well done!! 🙂

Comment by One Hot Puppy

Researched?!?! RESEARCHED?!?! You talkin’ ’bout RESEARCH!?!?!

Comment by CrummyJoel

hahahaha. guessing it takes time to scroll through the “losers” you love to hate and/or mock. even if most of the “scrolling” takes place in your head! just my lame-ass way of saying this was one funny post — thinking we have a few “fans” out there who will be able to relate, BIG TIME! 😉

ps — can you fix that “Appalachian State” link? or would you like for me to do it… assuming you “linked” to their actual site! (i wasn’t sure whether you were back at work or still lucky enough to be home, this fine morning) 🙂

Comment by snuppy

Dude, I am soooooo sorry. I would say that I feel your pain but I’m pretty sure that wouldn’t be accurate. As Snuppy mentioned, I’ve had my share of pain and suffering connected to misplaced fanatiscm but…

Great post. Hang in there it can only get better 😉

Comment by BoBo

Joel- As a Rutgers alum, I can say that I know the pain of which you so eloquently speak. For years, as a means of punishment, professors would make students go sit in the stands for home games. Ouch.

But not this year! Rutgers, AKA The Big East’s BCS team, is 1-0! If I wasn’t so mature I’d make some snide comment out of the years of pain and frustration, but I am above that, so I’ll just leave you with one parting thought:

Neener neener neener.

Comment by the frogster

Thanks, all. I knew I could come to the Snark for some caring and compassion in my time of need….

Comment by CrummyJoel

Wow you must have been reading my mind or vice-versa because about five minutes before I clicked over here, an essay about sports was forming in my mind.

As for Michigan, they are my favorite college team. Two things concern me about that game.

One, the BCS blows. If one loss takes you out of contention it should be one against a better team. The only reason why they schedule that game is to pad Michigan’s season. If they are going to allow colleges to pick and choose their opponents, then they should not be penalized, especially when the opponent gets NO GAIN from that win. Is A. State suddenly now in the running for the BCS? If the BCS is going to play this game of elitism in their sport, then why penalize teams for wanting to maintain this? Only like five other teams benefit from this out of hundreds.

The other area of concern is that I think Michigan is very overrated this year. I will bet they lose another game out of the next two.

I also question people saying it was the greatest upset in college football history. Michigan blew the game in the end for one thing. A. State also seemed to match up well against them, and sometimes that is all it takes. Maybe there is some weakness the Wolverines have that nobody picked up on until this weekend.

Don’t even get me started on the friggin’ Yankees but I will say this. Their fans are not as evil as they seem. There is a huge difference between going to the Stadium as a Red Sox fan and going to Fenway as a Yankees fan.

I’m chatty today, but hey this post is about sports and I am a guy, so why not drop a 1,000 reply 🙂

Comment by Chris C

I am completely immune to caring about sports. It’s my superpower. The only team I ever really rooted for was Calvin’s basketball team. BTW, if you ever need to pick a college basketball team made up entirely of white guys, pick the one that has all the Dutch guys on it.

As Jerry Seinfeld once said, you’re basically rooting for clothing. Or something like that.

What about if the team leaves for another city? Surely that’s reason to drop them?

Comment by Diesel

Chris C.: I agree. I think Michigan will struggle to be about .500 this year. Tons of “O”, not much “D”.

Diesel: I figure a lot of The Snark’s readership falls into the same category. Not to stereotype or anything, but I don’t hear much sports talk around here. Hope the post was enjoyable anyhow.

And yes, relocation is certainly a viable reason.

Comment by CrummyJoel

not a lot of sports talk around here? hmmmm…. guess we’ll have to work on that, in the future. that said, where the hell were YOU when i did THIS FINE POST? if that doesn’t scream “sports”-related silliness, i don’t know what does. oh, and whatever you do, do NOT let a certain Penguin hear you question HER passion for sporting events, especially soccer. trust me, you haven’t MET a fan of the game until you’ve met her! and you’ve never heard anyone “chat up” the game until you’ve listened to her stories of last year’s FIFA World Cup, held in Germany, which she attended! (she and her dad are pretty cute when they IM each other about fishing too.) 😉

Comment by snuppy

Ah, Ekim (the hubby) went out to a nearby bar to watch PSU beat up on FIU, but became much more interested in the Michigan game. At least they’ve made things interesting. There’s nowhere to go but UP! Of course, the coach is probably in deep sh&t. Hey, at least you’re not the coach:)

Comment by actonbell

Snuppy, I missed that Play Ball post, my bad.

Also, remember, I was talking about sports , so we obviously can’t include soccer in that conversation.

I kid, Penguin. Sorta.

Comment by CrummyJoel

Actonbell: BoBo regaled me with tales of that game on our walk, yesterday. apparently it was, um, interesting… to say the least! 😉

CrummyJoel: no worries – it was ‘silliness’, personified. as for soccer??? d’oh snap! guessing the Penguin will have a thing or two to say about them fightin’ words, my friend!

*inches towards door*

yer on yer own, bub. good luck! 🙄

PS: the video i originally shared (in that old post i linked to in an earlier comment) is, apparently, no longer available, meaning no one can now watch it. i’ve handily remedied that situation by replacing it with another. woo…HOO! HOO? we know that guy… he’s on first, right?? 😉

Comment by snuppy

Sports? But we’re talkin’ ’bout Practice man! Practice. We’re talkin’ ’bout PRACTICE! Not the sport. PRACTICE! Yaknowwhati’msayin’?

I love sports. I have another reason to switch teams. You can drop your team if so many players have been traded to other teams that you no longer recognize anyone on the field. (See Section 69, Catch 22, Paragraph 007, of the “Who the F*ck are These Carpetbaggers on the Diamond?” clause.)

Loved your post.

Comment by TLP

Thanks TLP. I just hadn’t reached the Carpetbagger section when I had posted. You’re absolutely correct, though.

Comment by CrummyJoel

well, since the amount of shame is apparently un-precedented…I wouldn’t spend time looking for an article allowing you to switch, write one 🙂

I am a huge EUROPEAN sports fan, your recent predicament I can not follow, but your pain I can imagine. Soccer is my weakness. I did punch myself one time…uh, that would make a nice blog post one day…nevermind.

Chin up…it’s your team…sour and sweet, ey?!

Sports, above all- is about dedication, which is not always easy.

Comment by Penguin

I agree with the Seinfeld quote. Because players move around so much, you root for the laundry not the person. If you do root for the player it is because you are a fan of them.

So being that there isn’t a lot of sports talk here at Central Snark, is this our official sports discussion area?

Comment by Chris C

Chris, interesting point. There are a bunch of us sport freaks around the snark. WE definitely should play a little in that field, too.

Comment by Penguin

C.Joel: I’m a huge college football fan (ok, maybe not Huge)! Loved this post and couldn’t agree more. My favorite team -Linfield College Wildcats! Check it out, they are the biggest little D3 football team ever -hold the national collegiate record for most consecutive winning seasons at 51. WOOHOO! Go Wildcats!

Comment by Claire

@snuppy: Where was I in February? Shackled to the belief that a career in writing began with Associated Content.

In the blogsphere I’m still a little puppy that piddles on the rug occasionally but I have big paws so watch out! hehe

Comment by Chris C

All I have to say is:

Thank God I’m a Seattle Storm Fan!!!!


Comment by Lincoln Rose

[…] Ton of talk in the humor blogs community about college football lately.  And by a ton I mean this post Joel wrote about Michigan’s little “whoopsie” last week.  Thought I’d tell […]

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[…] Frogster was watching Michigan play football, when out of the blue The Chick, who lived in a high tower, posted a comment on his site praising […]

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just want to point out I said above that Michigan would lose one of their next two games. They lost today.

Comment by Chris C

Yep. Les Miles or Greg Schiano can start packing their bags for Ann Arbor right….now. The money truck should be arriving any day.

Comment by CrummyJoel

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