I’ll admit it. I’m a huge sports fan. I am man enough to admit that I enjoy watching other men dressed in brightly colored spandex run headlong into each other at full speed, all the while trying to maneuver a ball into some arbitrary position on the field or court. Is it a metaphor for something else, buried deep in my subconscious? Probably, but I certainly enjoy me some organized, team sports. Name any sport, and I have a favorite team!
College football, you say? Why certainly! My favorite team: The Mighty Michigan Wolverines! 9 time national champions! 18 wins in bowl games! Winningest college football program ever, by total wins or by winning percentage!
And, of course, on Saturday they became the first ranked I-A team to lose to a I-AA team. Ever. In the history of the whole frickin’ universe. Appalachian State beat the Michigan Wolverines 34-32 at Michigan’s home field. For those of you unfamiliar with college football, this would be an upset the equivalent of a foreign homeless man winning the next presidential election. Or of some backwater Middle Eastern country defeating the US in a war (OK, bad example…)
We sports fans do have our codes. There must be “just cause” to drop a team and start rooting for a new one. Does an unprecedented loss count as “just cause”? I don’t know yet, but in my research I found the following Articles and Appendices tucked away in the Sports Fan’s Guidebook Of My Imagination. Here are some of the rare occurrences when you can drop a favorite team for a different one, as well as video, audio, or photographic corroboration for each one:
- If your entire team backs down to one solitary opponent, you may drop your team for another (Article I, Section XXII of the “Your Team is a Pansy Garden” Sub-Section).
- If this guy or this guy or this guy is your team’s star player, you may drop your team for another (Addendum A, Appendix Z of the “If Your Team Employs A Complete Effing DoucheBag” Section)
- If your sports team ever has a guy who gets knocked out by one punch, you may switch sports teams (Article 7-A, Chapter 43 of the “Glass Jaw” Sidebar)
- If your team ever gives up the most runs/points against since 1896, you may switch sports teams (Section 12, Sub-Section 22, Paragraph 7 of the “Scoring On You Like A Cheap Hooker” Chapter)
- If your sports team dresses like this or like this, you may choose a new favorite team (Section1, Chapter 1, Paragraph 1, of the “They Paid Somebody To Come Up With That Ugly *&$%?!?!” Addendum)
- If this is your favorite sports team, please choose another for any reason whatsoever (Page 1, filed under “Get Off The Damn Bandwagon Already”)
So, while I haven’t found the necessary documentation for my particular case, you can see that there many instances where you can switch allegiances. Wish me luck looking for the section entitled “National Embarrassment”
PS: Humor-blogs.com says I’ll be back next week with my first attempt at poetry since I was courting my wife. Knowing how much trouble poetry got me in last time, I’m still gonna try it again. Just kidding, dear.
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