Central Snark

Crummy Spam Poetry by crummyjoel
Tuesday, 11 September 2007, 8:35am
Filed under: crummy letters

A couple of weeks ago, I posted a well-received Crummy Letter about Spam emails. That same week, Snuppy posted something about the silly subject lines that Spammers use to get our attention now.

The combination of those two posts got me thinking….I should write a poem based on those silly lines! All of the lines (and the title) of the following poem are taken from the subject lines of spam emails. All I edited was the punctuation and the flow of the lines. Enjoy!

Diamond Of The First Water

Nature seems to mock me:

“We could be wrong, you know?”

First in, first out, first off.

Half a mind is better than half a mind.

He heard the clock strike from hour to hour and said…

An old mirror is the best friend:

Constantly using them,

Tired of being like that.

All that glitters is not glitter.

A bird may be known for its flounder,

But fine feathers make fine birds.

Be brighter than the other leaves on the tree:

Better a dove on the plate than a wood grouse in the mating place.

He heard the clock strike from hour to hour and said…

Do not teach a pike how to swim –

a pike knows his own science.

A drop hollows out a rolling stone,

Old flies crawl out of the cracks to sun.

Have a head like a sieve?

This springs from our own imperfection.

Do not think you have gained the mastery:

Finally wiggling out of our embrace.

Finally wiggling out of our embrace.


Deep, man. Deep. Quite honestly, though….is there really that much of a difference between that and some of this stuff?

Thanks to Snuppy for providing some of the spam lines I used.

Hey, if you get a chance go over to my blog and celebrate its third anniversary! Woohoo!


Better a humor-blogs.com on a plate than another blog directory in a mating place.

PS: Yes, I know….Michigan still blows.


17 Comments so far
Leave a comment

dude — what can i say? this, my friend, is a work of art! sheer, um, well, poetry, in all its shiny/spammy glory! i honestly didn’t think you could pull it off, and yet, looky here… you DID!

“…finally wiggling out of our embrace.
finally wiggling out of our embrace.

that last line brought a teensy tear to my eye. *claps*

is it just me, or would some of those lines make great t-shirt sayings?? (“an old mirror makes the best friend”? come on… that’s hilarious!) 🙂


PS: to answer your question (much difference?): NO. 😉

Comment by One Hot Puppy


Maybe I should start opening my spam mail??? Please advise me soonest.

(BTW, I have to know: just what was wiggling out?)

Comment by TLP

I think if Prince put this to a beat, and if I were really high as a kite, I’d attain enlightenment through this.

Thank God for sobriety.

Nice work tho.

Comment by Ironic Catholic

“Do not teach a pike how to swim –

a pike knows his own science.”

taht has my vote, no question. With the right mindset it is even possible to enjoy spam. Who would have thought?

Comment by Penguin

That is AWESOME.

I’ve often been impressed by the crazy names of people that I get spam from — people like Tiawana Grossnickle or Giorgio Mahoney, for example. I don’t how you end up with a name like Giorgio Mahoney, but I’m pretty sure it involves a christening ceremony with a priest. Some day maybe I’ll write a Snark short story about all these characters and their unnatural interest in my man-parts.

Comment by Diesel

This poem is deep yet simplistic at the same time. It is a discourse on the shape and banality of the trivial nature of the discourse of our verbal intercourse as we maintain our day to day existence on a course of discontentment, resentment, and green eggs and ham.

Sam I am.

Comment by Chris C

Thanks everyone! I only hope you all appropriately snapped your fingers after you read it.

Comment by CrummyJoel

That poem could earn a spot in a poetry magazine. Think I’m kidding? Read one.

As a salute to the enormous amount of work this post took and the enormous amount of junk mail you receive, I raise my eyebrows in praise under my John Lennon glasses, stroke my goatee in a thoughtful manner and tip my black beret to you.

Comment by the frogster

I briefly contemplated submitting it somewhere, then posting here the various rejection letters I received, thereby giving us all a laugh.

Or, submitting it somewhere, getting it accepted, posting it here and giving us all a BIGGER laugh.

Comment by CrummyJoel


I mean, if you don’t have roughly 483 things to do that are a bit more urgent.

Comment by the frogster

A couple of reviews are in from the Journal of Spamlit.

Domingo X. Loblolly says,”Hey man you gotta see this!”

Adolph Squires opines,”She’ll love you more than any other guy.”

framchakler concludes, “Avoid cheap foriegn meds.”

Comment by bruce

Very clever. And it works.

Comment by nessa

next time i’m thinkin’ you should attempt a more “ribald” poem, featuring all the utterly bizarre-yet-hilarious “sex” related spam — i mean, we get so much and it’s all so awful, and yet, almost fascinating. (mostly because i can’t believe anyone actually creates all those stinkin’ links on any given day)

all i’m saying is that such a “creation” could make for a perfect post for a Friday — and i would be oh-so-willing to step aside, should you ever feel compelled to take a crack at something for one of our “Sex, Ed?” days. 😉

Comment by snuppy

Well, sh*t! No one told me to snap my fingers as I read it. *sigh*

Now I gotta read spam twice.

Comment by TLP

Who knew spam could be so profound. Great job.

Comment by weirsdo

That is way better than any spam I get. Well, I did get one today that was from somebody called “Lane August”, I guess that’s kind of poetic.

Comment by Theresa

Sitting here in beat poetry garb (complete with beret and all in black naturally): Groovy man.

Sorry I missed this post yesterday but it was just as funny today! Oh and happy anniversary!

Comment by Lampsha

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